sirfleetfoot

[sirfleetfoot]

Follow my reasoning for a moment.

When you're tired, when you can't do enough self care, there are hairs out of place. Your skin becomes more textured. Your nails and cuticles get ragged. You acquire accidental attributes.

For a deity, every detail about their image is a projection of their will. When they're exhausted, they cannot add texture and resolution to their appearance and presence, and what you get is more essential.

The more vivid their image when they appear on the astral or in a dream, or wherever, the more work they put in. For them, imperfection is ornamentation.

What if, when you take the time to imagine them, create artwork to depict them, it's almost the same as if you took the time to comb your friend's hair and braid it, to give them a manicure?

I think that devotional art may not be just about focus, or work that you put in, or PR. I think it may actually be like a spa day for them. It's pampering.

Which is to say, to all of you making beautiful or even not-so-beautiful art to depict the gods, keep it up. You're doing a service that boosts morale in the higher planes. We need them, and they need you, so that we can all stay sane during these trying times.

[sirfleetfoot]

Hello!! Terribly sorry to bother you, but are applications for your divinekin server still open?

Yeah they're still open, go ahead and fill out the form 😎⚕️

[sirfleetfoot]

hi, sorry if this is out of nowhere, but i don't really know where else to ask.

Is there anywhere to learn about spiritual kin? I think I'm a spiritual divinekin, but I'd like to do more research so I don't misuse the label.

Yo, happy to help! Unfortunately there isn't exactly a comprehensive guidebook so to speak. If you think your divinity is spiritual, I'd recommend exploring your identity further and focus on who YOU are rather than looking for external guidance. Yeah, boring answer, that's spiritual stuff for you...

That being said I've found other people's experiences helpful while figuring out my own stuff. Depending on what kind of deity you are I can link you some blogs by spiritual deitykin. If you want to talk to me about it you can dm me too, as someone who felt my way through the process and knows how frustrating and painful it can be, id love to help another divine out - whether you turn out to be spiritual or not.

-Hermes

[sirfleetfoot]

Spiritual Divinekin Server *ੈ✩‧₊˚

Polaris is a small, close-knit discord server for spiritual divinekin! Many kin spaces aren't centered around spiritual divines (or divinekin at all), so my good friend Hermes @sirfleetfoot made a server for just that purpose.

: ̗̀➛ Polaris is an adult-only server, for both the comfort of the members and the nature of some of the discussions had in the server.

All spiritual divines are welcome in Polaris → angels, deities, demons, horrors spanning universes, etc. While all are welcome, Polaris is not the place to find worshippers or followers.

WHY JOIN? ↯

Polaris is a private server, and every new member is vetted by either Hermes or myself (sometimes both). As such, this server is extremely close-knit and drama-free.

All members are spiritual divinekin, instead of psychological divinekin (or other types of divine). We, as spiritual kins, tend to have differing experiences to non-spiritual kin. Polaris is a space to share common ground where we have an understanding of each other.

This server encourages deeper discussions, debates, and conversations about spiritual divinity; while also having channels that are extremely lighthearted and fun. Polaris encourages deeper connections in general- it is a server about divinity as well as for those who have divinity.

⋆·˚ ༘ * Interested?

Fill out this google form, answering some questions about your divinity and experiences as a spiritual divine. Myself or Hermes will get back to you with any follow-up questions to further assess if you are a good fit for the server. We in Polaris hope to hear from you soon!

[sirfleetfoot]

Spiritual Divinekin Server *ੈ✩‧₊˚

Polaris is a small, close-knit discord server for spiritual divinekin! Many kin spaces aren't centered around spiritual divines (or divinekin at all), so my good friend Hermes @sirfleetfoot made a server for just that purpose.

: ̗̀➛ Polaris is an adult-only server, for both the comfort of the members and the nature of some of the discussions had in the server.

All spiritual divines are welcome in Polaris → angels, deities, demons, horrors spanning universes, etc. While all are welcome, Polaris is not the place to find worshippers or followers.

WHY JOIN? ↯

Polaris is a private server, and every new member is vetted by either Hermes or myself (sometimes both). As such, this server is extremely close-knit and drama-free.

All members are spiritual divinekin, instead of psychological divinekin (or other types of divine). We, as spiritual kins, tend to have differing experiences to non-spiritual kin. Polaris is a space to share common ground where we have an understanding of each other.

This server encourages deeper discussions, debates, and conversations about spiritual divinity; while also having channels that are extremely lighthearted and fun. Polaris encourages deeper connections in general- it is a server about divinity as well as for those who have divinity.

⋆·˚ ༘ * Interested?

Fill out this google form, answering some questions about your divinity and experiences as a spiritual divine. Myself or Hermes will get back to you with any follow-up questions to further assess if you are a good fit for the server. We in Polaris hope to hear from you soon!

[sirfleetfoot]

A lot has happened over the past week+ that I didn't think were possible. Buuut. It happened.

I astral projected for the first time too, just at random apparently.

[sirfleetfoot]

You heard the divine angle, go check it out

Spiritual Divinekin Server *ੈ✩‧₊˚

Polaris is a small, close-knit discord server for spiritual divinekin! Many kin spaces aren't centered around spiritual divines (or divinekin at all), so my good friend Hermes @sirfleetfoot made a server for just that purpose.

: ̗̀➛ Polaris is an adult-only server, for both the comfort of the members and the nature of some of the discussions had in the server.

All spiritual divines are welcome in Polaris → angels, deities, demons, horrors spanning universes, etc. While all are welcome, Polaris is not the place to find worshippers or followers.

WHY JOIN? ↯

Polaris is a private server, and every new member is vetted by either Hermes or myself (sometimes both). As such, this server is extremely close-knit and drama-free.

All members are spiritual divinekin, instead of psychological divinekin (or other types of divine). We, as spiritual kins, tend to have differing experiences to non-spiritual kin. Polaris is a space to share common ground where we have an understanding of each other.

This server encourages deeper discussions, debates, and conversations about spiritual divinity; while also having channels that are extremely lighthearted and fun. Polaris encourages deeper connections in general- it is a server about divinity as well as for those who have divinity.

⋆·˚ ༘ * Interested?

Fill out this google form, answering some questions about your divinity and experiences as a spiritual divine. Myself or Hermes will get back to you with any follow-up questions to further assess if you are a good fit for the server. We in Polaris hope to hear from you soon!

[sirfleetfoot]

Attention all celestial beings, deities, demons, and other ethereal entities inhabiting mortal meat suits:

We know it’s a bit of a drag dealing with these squishy, high-maintenance vessels. Eating? Sleeping? Showering? Yes, it’s all very mortal and inconvenient. But hey, this is your ride, and no one likes a broken-down car. Show some respect to your vessel—it’s literally carrying you around the mortal plane.

Here’s your “Vessel Maintenance Checklist”:

Fuel it properly! Eat some actual food—yes pizza rolls count but throw in a vegetable or two occasionally.

Hydrate. Your body right now is mostly made up of water. You need to replenish your reserves once in a while.

Sleep! At least 6-9 hours. Powering through is not a long-term solution, my friend.

Showering and grooming. A clean vessel is a happy vessel. Your mortal friends will thank you.

Stretch and move. A little walk won’t kill you!

Remember: Treat your vessel with kindness, or it can start feeling bad. You’ve been warned.

[sirfleetfoot]

"So me and my brother made brownies today...."

"You have a BROTHER?!"

"Yeah...several actually. In here." *taps head*

I think people w DID should be able to talk about in nonchalantly bc no it's not a weird scary rare disorder it's not even the most interesting thing about me. But it does affect literally every day of my life so yes it would be nice to talk about. Occasionally.

[sirfleetfoot]

I think people w DID should be able to talk about in nonchalantly bc no it's not a weird scary rare disorder it's not even the most interesting thing about me. But it does affect literally every day of my life so yes it would be nice to talk about. Occasionally.

[sirfleetfoot]

It wasnt ever the 'body's parents'

So, I dont think it's normal to feel a sudden dread, crippling fear and anxiety when you hear Crow's birth giver moving upstairs, and getting a headache and talking with the rest of the system 'okok JJ you don't know her? K. You front.'

'Absolutely!'

Crow experiences a fear so crippling its hard for me to distinguish its his and the body tenses as if its about to bolt and leave the scene. The only way we deal with it now is to be like 'ok. I guess this is just gonna happen. Ain't no amount of positive thinking or pep talk is gonna change that. Imma just do what I'm here to do and lock myself in my room ASAP'

I used to see them as the body's parents and would be confused and irritated, hating myself for fearing them. 1. U don't even know them. Are you even a fictive if you remember them bruh' and 2. 'Theyre not the same people, cope and get over it already, it's been over a year stop being a special snowflake you're not a victim or special'

Journalling - meditation - beating out the fear by directing it onto things - didnt change it at all.

From what I understand now is that my little brother Crow has a lot of trauma that he dosent remember, or dosent share. However the side effects dont disappear cause of that. He is forced into front whenever I see his parents. I say 'his parents' but I do suspect he dosent see them as parents either. Especially since he has very few memories.

When he fronts, as an instinctual response to seeing the faces, I, the host in the body experience the crippling terror, and the feeling of wanting to run, or punch them. Or both. I also experience the sudden urge to put on the happy child mask and make them happy, to cheer them up if theyre sad, and in general, seem happy.

The more we understand ourselves and learn to live as a system, the stronger the feeling gets. I think Crow feels safe enough to front more, whereas he was pushed back into the hesdspace and swapped in exchange for a better, happier narrative. As we let him wander in and out of headspace and dip into front if he likes, he's able to truly show what he's feeling more and more.

It was never the body's parents. Each host had a relationship with them, that they don't remember much of, and Crow least of all. I think Crow is the one who holds all of it, that later on all the trauma from future hosts filtered back into him so the front could maintain a facade of functionality.

I want to have parents so bad, but just the idea of having parents. which kid wouldn't want to be handed loving parents on a silver platter? But the truth is that I feel indifferent about them as people, the only reason I'm interacting with them is out of duty and honour or whatever. None of us have relationships with the parents save for 'deeply traumatised, can't even remember, but what they do remember are masking heavily and role-playing as a child'

I remember when they turned 18, and suddenly, their friends were talking about how being an adult was daunting and scary and new, and they thought, 'Huh. I've been doing that my entire life, you're saying I can do that and be respected and rewarded for it now? That's great news!"

So, none of us have parents, but we do have each other.

Crow: I feel guilty and ashamed for bring terrified of them. I'm lucky to have 2 parents who care so much about me and said they're sorry and let me stay with them, they could have kicked me out, but at the same time, I can't not be terrified. I dont hate them. That would imply I care enough. No, I'm just completely indifferent to them as people. There's no relationships built between us, and we've just been role-playing as a family. They never even liked each other. I thought all families were like this till I saw my 'father''s family. I could see a connection there. I feel a connection with some people there. I'm not just plain indifferent, even though I'm mostly unseen, at my own home, I'm an adult ghost role-playing as a child, ready to be fed the next dream of the day. None of us know each other as people. I was just supposed to be an extension of their will.

[sirfleetfoot]

Alex's fictionkin ask game!

(mostly for fictional characters)

🌲 - what is your fictotype?

🪲 - do you miss your home? Or maybe you're happy that you're here?

🐸 - do you have any sourcemates? If yes, who/what are they?

🌳 - in scale 1-10, how are you similar to your canon?

🌿 - does your fictotype have a different sex/gender identity than your body/you?

☘️ - what aspect of life does your identity affect the most?

🪴 - is your fictionkin experience unpleasant or enjoyable for you?

🍃 - what reminds you of your fictotype? (E.g.: a figurine, a doll, a tv series)

🌄 - on what level is your identity? (E.g. spiritual, psychological, psychical)

🐢 - do you experience shifts? Of yes, how do they look like?

🥝 - what is your source?

🐛 - how do you feel about fanarts of you and fanfictions?

🌵 - do you look exactly like in your source or do you look different? If you do, then what is different?

🥀 - what do you think about ships with you?

🦕 - do you have/had a loved one in your source?

♪♪♪

So, yeah, that's all! :D

Reblog this, so the others can ask you questions or answer them all right now, if you want to :>

[sirfleetfoot]

Experiences in the Alterhuman Community (and Beyond) as a Fictive

It's a weird experience being a fictional character, especially dealing with fandom, the fact that your source is fictional, and interactions with people based on that--including some of the dehumanisation that's so common toward fictionfolk. I'm gonna go into that here because I need somwhere to collect my thoughts, so this might get long. I'll be talking about my experiences as a fictive, but this could very well apply to anyone who identifies as a fictional being--fictionkin, fictionlinkers, etc.

So, I see the version of me on the screen as an AU version of me, in short. I mean, I'm me, and I don't think I even looked exactly 1:1 with my canon self--so naturally, even though events line up pretty closely, I see my source as... Almost like a fanfic of my life? Like sure, that's decidedly me, and decidedly a lot of the things that happened to me and my friends, but also not me. I'm not that guy on the screen, he's what represents me.

Even though I fully believe I got here by dying in a literal past life, my source media here is absolutely fictional to me and I just... Don't look at it in really any other way. Which I guess makes sense if you put it into my perspective--what else would it be? It really is like reading a fanfic based on your life though, or reading an article about yourself in the news. A bit of a shock, a bit of "why did they include THAT?" sprinkled in here and there, a bit awkward sometimes, and it does tend to resurface bad feelings. But overall, it's not that personal to me. I'm largely fine with it existing.

On the other hand, what is shocking is that people see me as fictional. I'm a fictional introject, from a fictional source, from the perspectives of a lot of people here. But I look at my source and I go well... Yeah, that's fiction of course, but my life is an actual thing that happened to me. Realistically I know that not everyone has spiritual beliefs and not everyone even accepts fictional identities as something "real", but man is it weird to just... Have it be spun in such a way?

I'm used to being in the media, I'm used to having cameras on me and being in the public eye. I'm used to articles and stories and posts on the internet. I'm used to fans even! But this isn't your regular, run-of-the-mill experience of people wanting to know you because you're a hero. This is people who see your life and experiences as a fun story they saw in a book or on TV, coming up to you with the idea that you're their favourite character, and not... A whole entire person. It's so damn weird.

There's still that level of disrespect that comes from people who are a little parasocial with you, but it almost hits deeper here because a lot of the time, you know they're not seeing a hero or the things you've literally done in your memories. They're seeing that guy on the screen they think is cool, and while he represents you, he's not you. And they're treating you like a celebrity because of that weird fanfic version of you on the TV or in that book.

There's usually little acknowledgement of your life or experiences as "real". When you're presenting as your fictional identity around others, you tend to get put into one of a few camps:

Cool Character from Media who I love and adore and want to talk to (and will probably get fanperson excited about it). I will probably get dispraportionally upset if Character tells me to back off a bit because I don't want my blorbo to be mad at me.

Character from Media I'm in love with and will immediately start asking invasive questions to or outright flirting with. Could get real gross real quick.

Problematic Character or Guy From Problematic Media that I instantly dislike because that's so Problematic how dare you show your face. I'm reporting you for being Character, you should change your identity if you want to exist so bad.

Character from Media who is disabled/queer/mentally ill/has any soft personality trait ever and I will now be treating you like a sweet little babyboy cinnamon roll who could not hurt a fly.

Person who identifies as Character? How interesting! I'm going to really pry and question everything from your actions in-source (to get unique perspectives from Character) and question literally everything else. Because this is Science and I'll get mad if you don't tell me everything, you need to tell me everything or you're rude.

Of course there's nuance and there's absolutely times where you'll be treated as a normal person, but the above are... So damn common. I've been here for a few months and I've already had some weird stuff happen to me simply because I'm Kirishima and people feel entitled to give me cutesy nicknames or whatever. Even without knowing me or my system at all beforehand. It's just.. So different from anything I've experienced before? Being treated like a celebrity is dehumanising enough, but being treated like a character.ai bot or just generally a form of free entertainment and not a person is so perplexing to me.

There's also that if you're from a popular source, you see stuff about yourself everywhere. Posters, plushies, advertisements, posts on social media--all of it. Some of that I'm used to already, but it's kind of weird when you're mentally aware that this is all for that twisted-mirror version of yourself and not you. And if you get a little uncomfortable at some fanart showing up out of the blue, or someone making a source related joke... You're kind of just expected to brush it off. Which yeah, I get it! It's about the source, not me, but it's still just... A weird feeling. A feeling of not being allowed to be upset because it's about the source and not literal you.

I think there needs to be a line, maybe. Not saying that fictives should be putting a stop to any media or fandom ever, just.. That maybe respect toward us for being uncomfortable with fan content due to being a fictive or fictionkin should be more normalised. It should be more okay to say "hey, I'm Character, please don't joke like that" to a friend, or "don't send me fanart of this thing, I'm Character and that's weird"--which it normally is! But there does tend to be a sort of layer of "Oh, it's because you're Character. You know that's not you, right? You shouldn't be upset, you need to source separate more."--when if most other people were to set a boundary like that, it would usually be respected. Source separation can be great, but if someone hasn't separated or doesn't want to, why is it okay to still send them material they're uncomfortable with--or at least, why do people tend to argue that the fictive should "just separate from source" instead? It... Just boils down to alterhumisia toward fictionfolk, honestly. It sucks.

There's a lot of problems with basic respect toward fictionfolk of all kinds--hell, even in the alterhuman community where it's meant to be safe. I don't know if this rant is entirely coherent or not, I don't know if there's anything noteworthy to take from it--but if you do take something from it, let it be that fictionfolk want to be treated like people. Source separated, not source separated, canon divergent or compliant, hearted, linker, 'kin or 'tive--we're people. Don't let our identities change the way you instinctually treat us. Let us be openly us, and treat us as you would anyone else.

[sirfleetfoot]

The server is opening up again for anyone interested in joining, dm me for a vibe check to see if you're a good fit for the company 😏

All divine beings are welcome, as well as demonic entities, horrors spanning universes, the like. Also accepting suggestions for server events to do for fun, let me know alongside your dm if you've got anything you want to do with a group of other gods/unholy creatures.

/written by Hermes-Tenko. Hermes first, Tenko second.

Discord server for spiritual divinekins

As usual, a very heterosexual hello to you all. Here to announce...I made a server! It's for spiritual divines. I've noticed there aren't many spaces for us in the otherkin community, and everyone's kind of spread out and screaming into the void, hoping someone else who understands them stumbles upon them. So, why not just have a place where we can talk directly?

WHY JOIN?

This server is private, and every member who joins will be me-approved. Passing the vibe check, basically, to sieve out less cool people. It will be kept small and close-knit, and making closer connections and friendships is highly encouraged!

All members are spiritual divinekin and as a result you won't need to watch your words and be concerned about getting cancelled if other nonhumans mistake you for a non-spiritual divinekin. We tend to have a very different experience to non-spirituals and therefore require a space for ourselves rather than being in the general 'otherkin' or 'divinekin' label. It is also a space for spiritual talk as well as divinekin stuff.

The server encourages deep discussions, debates, conversations, about spiritual divinity. Safe to say it won't be a boring time there. It also encourages deeper connection in general - being FOR divines as well as ABOUT divines.

'A server where you can talk about spirituality AND chocolate cake? Sign me up baby' -you, probably

Additionally, I've got a lot planned for it. Clubs - channels hosted by one member and focused on an interest or craft - are something I'm experimenting with, a place where you can teach or share about your craft, special interests, skills, etc! We can even hold club-specific events where the host of the club organises live 'meetings' just like a real club, except with virtual biscuits.

We can add channels if needed, and learn together, whether that be in terms of divinity or other things!

I even have an idea of a tumblr blog for weekly posts, where members can post about new findings regarding their interests, discussions that we think would be good putting on tumblr, and funny shit that happened there.

Lots of fun ideas to think about!

INTERESTED?

Dm me. I'll ask some questions about you and if you pass the vibe check, you'll be given an invite. This server is for people who like deep discussions, learning, and are open-minded and willing to make close friends with others. It is not a place to stagnate your views in or try to invite people into your cult of Mushrooms - if you know you know. If all of the above sounds like something you'd be interested in, go for it!

Additionally, this server is only for spiritual divines. So. Dont dm me if you're not one, instead there are many many many spaces for non-spiritual divines to enjoy. Maybe - maybe go there. *holds you by the scruff of the collar and carries you outside*

Hope to see you at the North Star Lounge soon!

-🪽

[sirfleetfoot]

Am I allowed to just be me?

This is speaking from a mortal standpoint not divinekin.

Can I just BE Tenko without having to relate my life to someone else's?

Virgil: Am I allowed to exist if I was created from a dirty scheme, forged by ichor and feathers, a living mistake?

Can we just be ourselves without feeling as if we are nothing but broken facets of a 'real person'?

We want so desperately to be that, but have not allowed it. Is it time? It goes against everything the brain has been taught. And it's influence is strong.

'It all started at my conception. My parents never wanted a baby. I was an accident. I was such a happy and obedient child. She loved me once she held me. I wanted nothing to be the perfect little successor, the perfect eternal little kid. I would kill myself if you wanted me to, and I would kill myself if I was impure. But I was so impure, so black, I was broken and I was a black smear. I was such a happy kid, so smart, so bright. What went wrong with you, little one? How did you turn out so...so evil? So fragmented? So delusional? So cruel to us? So violent? So sick? You were given everything and you burned it all to the floor and stamped on the hearts of all who just care about you.

You are OUR son, and we tried so hard to be great parents. We weren't perfect. We never claimed to be. You can't expect us to be perfect. How can our happy little boy turn out so jaded and suicidal and thinks he's not our son? We want so badly to help you but you won't let us in."

I wasn't raised to feel emotions but I do now. Well done. So much for being your best investment. You should have bought houses, not an eternal money drain. I'm sick and I'm so sorry I'm sick. It's my natural. I can't help it. I dont know what went wrong either. I just want to be a good dog. Please. Understand that, even if you find me dead, ok? I wanted to be a good dog but I was too weak and I couldn't keep living. I hope you understand.

[sirfleetfoot]

...not everyone has the desire to become a dragon?

"Everyone has the desire to become a dragon. We just all balance the dragon thoughts out with human thoughts" was my version of 'everyone has gay thoughts sometimes' growing up

[sirfleetfoot]

Journal entry whatever:

Buying presents for my 'parents' is a surreal experience, since well, I'm not actually their son, in that I, the host alter Tenko, was born in innerworld and hence don't know shit about them. However, since I'm doing work with the rest of the system, we agree that we want to be their son even if it is not in the traditional sense. See, to me, theyre very friendly and nice to me. I've never known them as anything but. However, O (alter who stores memories the brain went through) is aware that they were not always like that. They were the ones who caused my birth in the first place - as in, the formation of the system, and although I no longer feel resentment for them creating me instead of being a singlet, it cannot be ignored that they were not very plus ultra to the brain during its early developmental years, and after, leaving it, me, and the rest of the system to pick up the pieces and maybe with a lifetime of problems.

O: I used to feel guilty about them paying for expensive therapy, but I dont anymore because theyre paying to fix what they broke. And there's a lot to fix, and a lot that was broken. They were the ones who shattered the new, forming personhood that all humans (in the biological sense) are inclined to, and gave the brain PTSD that the body still feels daily. Even Tenko has to deal with it after his own shitty life in Kamino, and he wasn't even there. Said PTSD gave way to lasting physical problems, too, like fogginess, the feeling that the brain is being eaten alive by worms, stomach cramps and stomach pains, chest tightness and pains, jaw pain, headaches, nausea, amnesia, confusion, random body pains, and some secondary problems that are not directly caused by but are still quite not fun, such as bad dental health due to said confusion, depression making everything very sensitive and brushing teeth to be overstimulating not counting it already difficult to do that kind of thing due to ADHDs, leading to thousands spent on fixing teeth, and teeth still generally being in bad shape. I was already sickly enough as I was...but now I'll deal with poor digestive health and that causes my skin problems to get worse etc. Not even sure what I have anymore. I could be doing nothing different and suddenly get random swells on parts of my body or my skin could decide it is now allergic to subtle changes in temperature and I'd get a rash or swelling, and recently my nose decided it was allergic to air and having wind blow at me causes me to start sneezing uncontrollably, my eyes to feel itchy, and a headache. What the fuck. Its just a snowball that keeps getting larger- digestive problems lead to poor diet because eating makes the stomach feel funny, then leads to a weak immune system, causing the new allergies, etc. So, no. I'm not guilty theyre paying for therapy to fix their mistakes.

Tenko: Bruh right after O typed that I sneezed twice haha. Anyway, I still want them to be my parents although it is more like theyre adopted parents, because well, I dont have anyone else, and they are kind. Who dosent want parents? I guess they adopted me and I feel OK about it now. I do feel like theyre going to backstab me so I am wary of them, and I can feel the body tense up and the stomach cramps, overstimulation, jaw tension, and nervousness when I see them, so even though I wasn't there when the shit went down, I know it must have impacted O a lot. This all came from when I was thinking about buying them gifts since I haven't given them anything for Christmas. I actually received a lot of gifts and it's my first Christmas here. It was really nice. There's a lot of people who care about O, and even though they don't know they're giving gifts to someone else, O and I share the same interests so I was like 'ha ill take these thank you'. It's a shame. I've never been one to hate, and after everything, I dont hate them. I still want them to be my parents. Which kid wouldn't want to be handed a mum and dad who are kind to them? Since I am the host and the other people do not plan to front - one just doing nothing and wanting to die, and the other focusing on the inner mechanics of the mind rather than the outerworld, they can be my parents if I want them to be, and I do want them to. Its a leap of faith, of course. They don't know that I'm Tenko, and I don't plan on telling them. I do feel uneasy when they tell me about things that happened with O or other alters, and I pretend I was there, but

O: How about I co-front when this happens and feed the memories to you? You can just relay them, and you won't have to pretend you were there. I think it would be easy just to smile and nod and tune out what they say if they recall a memory I was present in, as if you were. They do like the sound of their own voices after all and talk at you rather than to you a lot of the time. You can smile, nod, and just play with your toys and tune them out or change the subject.

T: yeah that sounds like a good idea. I can't think of any moments where I was expected to give an opinion. Speaking of toys, man I'm trying to find a cool dragon one that has movable limbs because there's nothing worse than a static toy, it's frustratingly hard for some reason. We are getting off topic though lol.

T: I'm learning to not hate my existence though. I recall I used to think it was cringe, but I am trying the 'be cringe be free' thing. A bit worried about Virgil though. Ever since he fronted, he has retreated deep within the mind and dosent want to talk or do anything. He gets uncomfortable at even the mention of his name and dosent want to be talked about either, so I'll stop.

What else...what else. Ehhh...I dont have any irl friends or anyone I trust. Broke contact from all of O's friends he made when he was still in the Not Fun state because 1. I dont know them and they remind the body and brain of the trauma and make it go into fight or flight. That sucks because it means I have no one irl to talk to or do things with. I'm thinking of making some friends of my own, but they'll have to know who I am and that I'm an alter and etc. I dont know how to proceed, and I don't even want to see people anyway. I do feel much better after I broke contact. No more pretending, no more lies. Whatever. I'll think about that later. Right now I am once again getting stomach pain agh from typing this...ouch. pain. Agony. Time to play some games to redirect the brain's attention.