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[skeletonflower27]

Say you’ll remember, oh baby, say you’ll remember I will love you ‘til the end of time.

[skeletonflower27]

When it All Started…

I don’t like to blame things on divorce, but I had a pretty tumultuous childhood, which maybe I’ll share about someday… and I think…well, I KNOW that all the stress I was put through as a kid, is what created my anxiety. I remember being six years old begging my dad to take me to the emergency room because I swore I was dying of a heart attack. It became a regular thing. He would take me every time I got upset, and I would get checked out, and the doctors would tell me I was OK and not dying. It became such a regular thing that the nurses knew me by name. I’d walk through the door and they’d be all, “Hi Brittany” and I’d be like- “Today’s the day Janet, I’m having a heart attack”. Truth is, I was never dying of a heart attack, obviously, but it sure felt like it. Then as I got older things got way worse. I started thinking about the way I would walk; I’d start thinking about the way I walked so much, that I’d start tripping and falling. I became obsessive about how many times I chewed my food, if I didn’t chew it enough times I felt like I would choke. I would chew it until it was almost nothing, and then I felt like it was safe to swallow. I would hardly ever get through my lunches and would leave starving to my classes. Before I left for school I would have to run up and down the stairs eight times to check if my curling iron was unplugged. And even though every time it wasn’t, I would still have to go up seven more times or I felt like something really awful was going to happen. If someone bumped into me, I would have to bump them seven times back, to “give it back” whatever “it” was. I was a nervous wreck. My dad got me into therapy, but nothing really seemed to help… I was sad, I didn’t really get to have a child hood, so I couldn’t relate to a lot of other kids. I used to look at them and feel envious of how carefree they were. I was the class clown, because it was the only way that I felt I could fit in. I used comedy to cope with all of my issues. And honestly the only thing that brought me joy, was making people laugh. Like it still does to this day. All I ever wanted to do was entertain, because when I entertained people I was happy, I got to not be me for minute.

Eventually I got so sick that I started self mutilating. No one had any idea. At school I was this happy go lucky jokester, but on the inside I was dying. I hid my cuts so no one would see. I only got caught when there was a random physical held at the nurse’s office. Some kids parents couldn’t afford to take them to get physicals so they just made sure everyone had one and well that was it for me. They saw my body and off to the hospital it was. I got sent to a place that I often try to forget. It was probably one of the most traumatizing experiences of my entire life. I remember being in there thinking, I’m not crazy, I’m just sad, and for some reason I’m being punished for that. I remember watching girls pulling out their hair and eating it, talking to walls, and thinking how much I didn’t belong there. I remember thinking that I couldn’t wait to get away from everything. It didn’t help me being there. It just made me more anxiety-ridden. I was put on a drug called Effexor XR to help with my anxiety. I’ve been stuck on that drug ever since. The withdrawl is absolutely insane, look it up if you don’t believe me. I was 16 years old, and not fully developed in my brain chemistry when I was put on that drug. Now my brain can’t exist without it. I don’t think it was drugs I needed, I don’t think it was hospitals, I think it was a new environment. I spent so much time alone, I didn’t have many friends because I felt they were exhausting or I just didn’t relate to them. School was like a standup show, I’d go and perform, and then I’d come home depleted. I just needed to get away. I suffered through the rest of high school, I still cut but I hid it better. I was in all the plays, I loved acting, because it was great to get to be someone other than myself. That’s what made me fall love with it. As soon as I turned 17 and graduated I headed to California to pursue a career in entertainment, the only thing that brought me joy.

As soon as I moved to California, everything got better. I felt free, I felt happiness (a feeling that had become so foreign to me) and I haven’t had a thought of being self-destructive to myself ever since. That was 2005. Unfortunately I still have panic attacks. They suck. I think it’s because I’ve lowered my dose of Effexor to the lowest dose possible, because eventually my goal is to not be on it. So my body is struggling in the meantime. But the crazy thing is, I am so happy. I haven’t been this happy in a really long time. I don’t know if I ever have been this happy. I am loved, I feel safe and I feel secure. So, I’m writing this because I want anyone out there to know, sometimes it’s not you, sometimes it’s your environment, sometimes you need a change, sometimes you need to set yourself free. The great thing about going through struggle, is how strong it makes you, and how glorious it feels to be on the other end of it. And there’s always another end of it. I promise. So here’s to you finding your California.

Love,

Brittany

[skeletonflower27]

Every time I hang out with friends and new people, and somehow music comes into conversation I always show people Jjongs music (I have so many favorites) nd e.v.e.r.y.t.i.m.e the reaction is “whoa this sounds fresh” or “dang that boy can sing” or “whoa this sound” EVEN when they don’t understand and they always end up googling the English lyrics and being blow away by his music and voice and talent. I’m going to spread your music to the end of the universe Jjong, so much so that no one will be remembering by your endings but by your amazing angelic voice and talented beautiful soul. I love you Jonghyun. ❤

Submitted by @burn-all-your-bridges

[skeletonflower27]

“lucifer” was featured in tonight’s (january 29th) episode of the fox television program … lucifer as background music. the song can be heard between 0:12 - 1:27.

[skeletonflower27]

2015 sbs gayo daejun ♡ 151227 © guilty pleasure (do not edit or remove logo)

[skeletonflower27]

Support Masterlist: Honouring our POET | ARTIST 💖 Kim Jonghyun

On the 23rd January, Jonghyun’s farewell album ‘POET | ARTIST’ and MV will be released, with the physical album released on the 24th January. This album will undoubtedly be poignant and highly moving and in turn many fans may not feel able to listen, which is absolutely understandable. Please do not force yourself and only listen when you personally feel most ready. As always we seek to show our appreciation and now, we have a legacy to preserve and an a Poet and Artist to honour. Below is a support masterlist as we tend to do for releases and again, this may seem overwhelming given the tragedy of the situation so please only approach it if you are comfortable. 

🌙   Music Shows - mostly operate on an attendance basis (indicated with * below) but all are included here for reference:  SBS The Show(*) | Show Champion(*) | M!Countdown (*) | Music Bank | Inkigayo | Music Core

🌙    Purchasing and steaming the album digitally (Korean sites)

MelOn (NOTE: Due to changes to the MelOn app, IF your app is updated you can no longer stream) Downloading for iOS / Android | How to stream so it counts Mobile / PC

Soribada  [UPDATED VERSION]  Downloading the app, registering and purchasing streaming pass | Registering an account on PC

Naver  Registering an account | Getting a free streaming pass  | How to stream so it counts: (Mobile) / (PC) 

Genie  [UPDATED VERSION]  Downloading the app, registering and purchasing streaming pass

+ see also: Liking, rating and becoming a fan on MelOn | Liking, rating and becoming a fan on Naver

🌙    Purchasing and steaming the album digitally  (Int. sites) 

iTunes / Apple Music Download link <TBA when album released>

Spotify Download link <TBA when album released>

Google Play Music Download link <TBA when album released>

🌙    Purchasing the album physically (int. sites)

Kpoptown  | Ktown4u | Kpopmart | Yesasia

🌙  Watch the official MV <TBA> -

Updated guide to increasing Youtube views.

▽  If you have any queries or questions please do not hesitate to contact us.

-

Thank you for your continued support for our Jonghyun. 

Jonghyun, we promise we will never forget you, for you are our pride, our joy and our greatest inspiration. As long as our hearts go on, you will thrive in them forever. We love you to the moon and back, always.

[skeletonflower27]

Facts about Jonghyun from BNR

All facts are from Jonghyun himself from Blue Night Radio

Predebut

His fetal nickname was “Chi Guk”

He tried to knit a muffle once in 6th grade

He didn’t believe in Santa Claus because his parents never tricked him

He listened to Richard Marx’s “Right Here Waiting” a lot during trainee days

He claims he didn’t sleep enough during middle and high school (which caused his short height)

He used to go to a friend’s house daily and listen to music, especially n*sync

He had to cut his hair twice to comply with school rules

When he was 3, he lived in front of a marketplace.

In his first year of elementary school, he liked a girl in another class. He would run in front of her and look back to a “friend” just to look at her.

He used to want to be a police officer then a Korean teacher.

His mom took him to piano lessons when he was around 6 but he quit

He and his sister lived with their grandparents for some time during elementary school

He used to have a husky named Choro

His middle school band’s name was Zion because he went to a Christian school

His family received welfare support during his middle school years and he didn’t like getting the help

He was the class president in primary school

Family

His grandfather is still alive but grandmother isn’t (mother’s side)

The biggest regret in his life was an argument with his mom

His sister, Seodam, works at a cosmetic company

His mom sold fish shaped buns and rice cakes and he would ask her for money to play at the arcade.

Seodam is a huge fan of Shinhwa

His mom and sister have many couple items

Both Seodam and his mother go to church

His mom entered university at 36

His mother studied women’s & child psychology; she worked as principal at a daycare center and now works as a psychosocial therapist

Jonghyun often sets his sister’s picture as his phone’s wallpaper

His mom calls him a workaholic

His mom can use his credit card

His mom doesn’t want him to get married until he’s 35

He called his father a “thieving guy” because he married his mother at a young age

His mother sing in her church choir

His mom had to have knee surgery but didn’t tell Jonghyun until after his concert

His father is over 180 cm but his mother is 150 cm tall

When he enrolled in music school, his father didn’t know and tried to cancel his enrollment

When he goes out with his older sister, she often gets mistaken for his girlfriend or younger sister

He lived with his grandparents (mother side) in 1st and 2nd grade.

General

He has bad eyesight without glasses/contacts

He doesn’t have a religion

He can only doggy paddle/can’t swim

He can’t draw

He never had a cat

He loses a lot of things

He is camera shy

He always tells Roo goodnight

He wears glasses at home

He wants to make a children’s album someday

His bedroom is mostly black

When the members all lived in a dorm, Jonghyun was in charge of getting them all together to eat and play

He has Seasonal Affective Disorder (depression, usually in winter months)

He has bad handwriting

He is sensitive to smell

Likes

Food made with bones like pork bone stew

Dogs—especially ones with short legs like a corgi or dachshund

Carp bread

Candles

His career

Rain

Tea

Bunk beds

Mangoes

Dislikes

Puzzles

Heat/summer

Comparisons

Christmas

Being on tv programs

(English translations:  cosmicsticks, thatcoolcatmeow)

[skeletonflower27]

i’m finally in the anger stage of my grieving process

i’m so mad at everyone who’s just now starting to listen to jonghyun’s music

i’m so mad that there are so many kpop fans responding to this news with cry emoji and using things like “TOO MANY FEELINGS” and other fangirl terms when you know this isn’t the damn time for that

’m so mad at everyone chalking it up to “he did it because the industry is so hard” while ignoring the fact that he was severely mentally ill 

i’m so mad at everyone who claims “nobody saw the signs” when he was extremely open about the fact that he was mentally ill and struggling to find happiness 

i’m so mad at everyone claiming that every moment he was happy was fake, that he was just putting on a charade and that he was miserable in shinee

and i’m so mad that people are pretending like this is just another classic SM Member Loss and are playing the “bias group protection squad” game

i’m just so mad that it had to come to this

[skeletonflower27]

Since 2015 i am fighting depression. And since then I found Jonghyun. His songs made me feel so much better... He was my inspiration, my support. I am terrified about what happened and really painful to realize i know what exactly he felt. I feel the same. His death... I am devastated. I still stuck in depression no matter how hard i try. I am giving up. He was my light in this darkness and even he did not fight his demons. Not sure i will be able to? I just miss him badly. We had the same pain.

[skeletonflower27]

inspired (day i) ♡ 171209 love belt (feat. shawols) (short ver.) © lacyh (do not edit or remove logo)

[skeletonflower27]

I want Jonghyun’s own reaction show please 

[skeletonflower27]

I'm scared. What are you supposed to do when your favorite singer dies? Why is the world the same? Why I'm so lost? I'm terrified that I could forget him, I want to remember him forever, but how? How can I trust my mind? I'm only 22, will I remember him when I'm 32? 42? I don't want to lose my memories, but what can I do? Jjong, I want to promise that I'll always love you, but what if my memories fade away? What if time erases my feelings? What if everything dissappears? I'm so scared...

[skeletonflower27]

Reading his letter just crushed me. I shouldn’t have read it. I relate to it so much, and it scares me. I’ve never been suicidal, but I have struggled with depression and anxiety for years. Understanding the self-loathing, helplessness, and exhaustion made my heart ache for him so much. I understand the anger, the frustration with the question of “why”, since there’s no logical answer.

[skeletonflower27]

Someone loves you more than you love yourself.

Lee Jinki, 2017 (via yooneroos)

[skeletonflower27]

Congratulations If...

You got out of bed today.

You did your dishes or dirty laundry.

You finished some homework you’ve been putting off.

You cleaned up around your home/apartment/dorm etc.

You resisted temptation in any form.

You found a reason to smile.

Little victories are worth celebrating!!

[skeletonflower27]

Rest well, angel 🌙

[skeletonflower27]