sketch000

[sketch000]

I hate you. I hate the control you have over me.

I hate that every single god damn time you message me I have this pit in my chest like I can feel my lungs fighting each other.

I hate that every memory is the same

I hate that I’m conflicted with how I feel about you

You. Are. A. Stranger.

I hate that the little girl inside of me is squealing in excitement like a kid on Christmas morning with the biggest pile of Christmas presents and every fibre of them believing Santa clause came and remembered them.

I hate the adult me is screaming fuck you I hate you you are no one to me and you don’t deserve me, my breathe you don’t even deserve to be a thought in my head.

But you are.

I hate that other part of me..with morals…that says I’ve forgiven you. That you can’t help it, that you would if you could. That the messages stopped as a kindness not as act of not loving me anymore or forgetting me

That the reason you’re trying now is because I screamed at you.

If you could go back and change it all…would you?

I’m not so sure anymore

Youre not trying hard enough is that selfish of me to say? But you’re not. You think giving me gold is going to be the thing that solves everything

I’m so conflicted

You’re getting old, and the way you’re going I’m not going to have the chance soon enough. What do I do? You confuse me. Tell me I’m your world you love me and there’s nothing you wouldn’t do for me but then walk away. You fuck with my head you confuse me you get me all wrapped up with the strings of my mind and leave you put me on a rollercoaster with no seatbelt and turn it on.

You remind me of how it used to be, how I used to be, how and what I survived. Without you. What I went through without you there to protect me like you should have . Fuck you

[sketch000]

I’m going to die soon

I know it, whether it be accident or suicide I know I’m leaving soon, all my dreams I’m so depressed, ready and planning my death, the pain in my heart is so real every night In my dreams I want to die so bad, I’m ready for it then I wake up

My time is coming to the end

So what do I do? Push everyone away and leave? Or keep them and hurt them more?

[sketch000]

Can I just start over?

[sketch000]

This hurts so fucking bad

Lying in my bed screaming and crying my heart out

Mum doesn’t know what to do with me

Want to be sick

I can’t breath my eyes sore my head feeling like it wants to crack open my heart hurting hurting so much it feels like it’ll burst from my chest

I can’t do this it hurts I want you back I’m all messed up I can’t do this

I love you I’ll see you soon

[sketch000]

All she wants is her mum and you do her like that.

He robbed me of my mum

Now you have too

Yeah she no longer has a mum but I haven’t for the last 20 years yet that’s my fault. Nothing to do with you?

You oh you you fucking ruined everything you started this everything was fine until opened your fucking trap.

This is no one else fault but yours.

Fuck you all

[sketch000]

You

I hate that your not here

I hate I can’t just call you and have random chats and rant about our week of what happened at work and college

I hate that the only way I can hear your laugh or your voice is from videos...memories

The only way I can see your smile is from photos

That the only way to be with you is to follow you, if I follow you I know I’d be happy but then what?

I hate that I don’t know anything anymore

I have no motivation to work, get out of bed, the only way I do shit is because I want them memories back but they’re never the same because your not there.

I took em to Camden like we promised we would, she loved it

Why aren’t you here?

I miss my brother

[sketch000]

I fucked it

I fucked it with her

She doesn’t want me anymore

I’m too much for her now to much to handle

I knew this day would happen not long until the next one comes along, then that will kill me. I don’t know anything anymore I feel like I’m in limbo and I’m lashing out

I’m scared I’m so fucking scared I’d rather be dead than deal with this fear I’m not strong enough I’ve never been strong enough

I can’t do this

[sketch000]

I’d love to

Is love to change the world

But I don’t know what to do

So I’ll leave it up to you

I’d love to see you

I’d love to speak to you

I’d love to be away from here

Even just for a minute

I’d love to see your smile

I’d love to hear your laugh

I’d love to be with you

Even just for a minute

id love to disappear

I’d love to die

I’d love to vanish

Even just for a minute

I’d love to be okay

Even if it’s just for a minute

Why aren’t you here?

Why did you leave me?

Why can I not get your out of my head?

Why can I not just let myself be happy?

Why?

I’d love to change the world but I don’t know what to do, so I’ll leave it up to you

[sketch000]

“You get depressed because you know that you’re not what you should be.”

— Marilyn Manson (via thegoodvybe)

[sketch000]

[sketch000]

“I’m tired, Tired of trying, Tired of feeling, Tired of fighting And most of all tired of living”

— me

[sketch000]

[sketch000]

things are getting too much and it’s harder than ever to carry on

[sketch000]

I DON'T WANNA REMEMBER ANYMORE

I DON'T WANNA REMEMBER ANYMORE

I DON'T WANNA REMEMBER ANYMORE

I DON'T WANNA REMEMBER ANYMORE

NO MORE

NO MORE

NO MORE

IT'S TOO MUCH

TOO MUCH

TOO MUCH

TOO MUCH

MAKE IT STOP

[sketch000]

[sketch000]

[sketch000]

If I only could, I’d make a deal with god.

I’d ask him to step out of places, I’d ask him to help you feel my love for you...

I wish you knew how much you mean to me, well you do now...but I mean when you were here..physically

I am currently on auto pilot and have been for a while now because I don’t know how to function

I don’t know how to be? How to act? What to do?

I need you back here

I want you back here

Please fe... I need you I really do please