skewbforty - Tumblr blog

[skewbforty]

Ok I've toned down the affirming. I no longer do it for hours on end. I'm now working on being present in the moment for an hour a day instead, tho I am still paying close attention to when I'm an ass to myself so I can bury the thought in DR affirmations.

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Still affirming.

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I have seen the error of my ways. I don't have any mental illnesses. I don't have bpd, I don't have chronic depression and I certainly don't have RSD.

My suicidal thoughts are normal. My pain beyond comprehension whenever anyone says no to me is normal. My obsession with associating with people who claim to teleport to other universes because I hate it too much in this one is a perfectly normal thing that many people could go through.

I should stop blaming my shitty behaviour on mental health problems that I don't have. I should grow up and realise that I am normal and capable of anything and everything. I'm just acting like I can't hold a glass of drink and talk at the same time because I'm lazy. I should stop being lazy and stupid and fucking listen to my father. I am capable of perfection. I just can't be arsed to do it.

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Still trying to shift btw

I never gave up, and I never will. It's either shift or die of old age, whichever comes first.

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sum arts

my ego/pain body/whatever about to hurt me

illustrated as a jack o lantern face on a purple shadow because I am super original and shit

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Ok so, I've noticed for a while that if I'm reminded of my past trauma, I feel like shit. Like it really hurts.

But during times when I actually actively think about my past trauma... No pain.

Strange.

I have a few theories. First is when I actively intend to remember it, I have the time to mentally shield myself from the pain. But my other theory which will likely resonate less with others because it's more spiritual, but makes more sense to me... Is the whole "past trauma" thing is... Kinda an excuse? Before summer of 2021 I had the exact same with the reddit incident of 2016. And before that the bag loss of 2012, and before that the time the teacher helped a bully beat me up in 2005. I've always had the mentality of "my life sucks cause this thing happened to me", and it could all very well be a disguise that I fell for. So what's actually hurting me? As Eckhart Tolle would call it, it's my ego. And if that's the case I may be one step closer to destroying it. Or so I suspect rn. I dunno I'll have to look into it.

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Happy 26th anniversary to BoC's debut album :3

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I just realised.

My 2 biggest irrational fears are teeth and bubbles.

What show exists that has both of those things as the host?

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Dates that staff have absolutely sworn that I would without question have internet on that date, and then failed to deliver that promise.

28 March

5 April

13 April

15 April

16 April

17 April

18 April

(Doesn't count yet because it could still happen although I'm not surprised if it doesn't) 19 April

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Me when my mutuals like my posts

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It's taking me all my effort not to run outside and drown myself in a lake.

And yes I'm aware that I'm venting on my non vent account. That's just how fucking suicidal I am.

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I deleted my discord.

My never ending agony is dead. Long live my never ending agony.

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If you feel like you're craving something that isn't edible and acting that out by gnawing on a non food object, is that a pica chew?

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I've concluded.

Furries are not assholes.

People in general are assholes.

In fact if anything I've had much fewer traumatic incidents with furries than with anyone else. And to be fair I didn't really show my boundaries with them.

Every community is full to the brim with people who hate me. Might as well go with the people that show the most support despite that. Even if it does mean more trauma in my life. But I'll inevitably face that no matter what I decide.

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My new earbuds are waking me up to just how much I suck as a producer. The earbuds are such high quality that I can hear all the times the audio quality in my music shits itself.

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Better a few really good friends than a whole lot of bad friends.

Guess I'm greedy.

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Just saw a video on the MSI claw performance.

And it made me grateful I opted for the Steam Deck OLED instead.