skinny-boy-endeavours - Tumblr blog

[skinny-boy-endeavours]

you're hot

Thank you

[skinny-boy-endeavours]

Stop calling pictures of an anorexic with a hospital band goals that's fucked up

I apologize, of course, for having hurt the sensibilities of some of my followers, that is, if I have at all. You might just try to organize your sentence in more orderly a manner: I had to read your sentence five times before I got your drift, yet still, I am not altogether certain that I have gotten it: do you mean that I posted a photograph of an anorexic subject who wore a hospital band at his or her arm ? If so, I must have done it seldom and not have made a habit of it, but in any case an anorexic’s goals are very much her or his own, and this includes, quite possibly, the hospital if the patient believes it may be a good indicator of how far she or he has been graced enough to go into this disease, which is a true ascesis that requires specific actions and entail specific goals: it is a way with a start and a term at which one may be deemed to have been favoured to arrive, as the prize received at the end of a long struggle to acquire the sanctity that is afforded by the choice of anorexia: this choice is not generally understood and that is what makes it susceptible of being a target to the medical profession. Only persistence in this choice can avail all the former efforts submitted in its name. To arrest oneself at half-way and turn back means eventual derision of one’s former efforts and achievements, and the misunderstanding of them as a “phase”, a “passing disorder”, and all the explanations that psychoanalyze may provide us with. Only a truly patient and perseverant subject may be deemed a proper candidate for what the road of anorexia truly entails: self-renunciation, total surrender and attainment of perfection.

[skinny-boy-endeavours]

I'm an anorexic boy and also from Canada too :)

Cool, I might be answering this post of yours a little late, for I have only just reopened my Tumblr account after several months of inactivity. From what part of Canada are you ? I am from Quebec City but I know live in the Ottawa area.

[skinny-boy-endeavours]

Hi! ♥♥ yr blog! Thnx 4sharing! Bye! pinco pallino

Thank you, you belong to the minority of the planet’s population who does not disapprove of having one’s goals high set unto absolute perfection: inner and outer.

[skinny-boy-endeavours]

I know this is a change from the usual stuff one does see here upon Tumblr, where most of the business is going on about USA, but I am a Canadian and a former student at the University of Ottawa. This petition is important wherever you are from, whether you have had similar problems or not, whether you know anyone who has or not. I am besides certain that this intolerable situation has its homologies about on any and every campus of this planet, but now, the problem is being recognized and this is a good start. I have attempted suicide several times while being a student in Ottawa, and I can name as many of my former comrades who have undergone a similar calamity, with hardly any appropriate support from either administration, health services or their own family. Please beware that a country like Canada and such a financially well-puffed establishment as Ottawa U does have the means by which not only to prevent such misfortunes but also to accompany sensitive subjects along their way in and out of campus, and to minimize the producing causes of through-and-through limit-situations of students who either study full-time while having to earn their living or who put themselves very much in debt in order to achieve minimal standards of academic proficiency. As to my personal experience, I was driven to suicide out of many factors (as it always is, and no one blames the university environment itself for what such a great disaster as depression and subsequent suicide attempt or accomplishment may be, at least not in an entirely responsible sort of way) and subsequently found the administration far below the minimum of what it might have been able to set into motion for a borderline disorder patient who was sincere in his endeavours to receive a good treatment along with the resumption of my undergraduate studies. I eventually finished my bachelors degree and obtained my diploma, but after six years instead of three, and being exhausted at the end of the process, having of course accomplished it in spite of everything, but accomplished through pain and tears, only to get a decent full stop to it all, several hospitalizations and nearly total silence until this very day when I see that I can no longer reasonably hush it up despite my reserves against it. There are things to be changed and done. When I first attempted suicide, it was at the end of the semester, during exam period, and naturally I didn’t expect to survive, so many exams did not matter, but finding that I awoke from overdose, I had to face my professors’ deadlines and the university did not think it wise to annul a course of mine that I had not been fully enabled to finish while I was being hospitalized for two weeks in a mental place, not allowed to write a final essay or to have a computer within my reach to either write it and send it or to contact the university to advise them of the change that had occurred in my circumstances. As soon as I could do so, it was deemed ‘too late” by the administration services, despite the medical certification of my indisposition, and it took months before I was granted an a posteriori exemption, whereby the administration agents emphatically told me that it would be exceptional (as though I was requiring from them something so extraordinary that it demanded such long and elaborate reflection, and as though by granting it they were doing me such a big favour) and a one-of-a-kind case. In other words, my situation, would it to happen again, or to someone else (suicide attempt and hospitalization at the end of a semester, and consequent incapacity to attend final exams or to contact the university itself, for in a mental place one is under constant surveillance and hardly ever allowed to access a computer, and is there besides to take some rest from the outer turmoil and not to be further either depressed or driven by despair to once more neglect one’s own health or worse intend to and succeed in bringing one’s life to an end) then the request may not be granted, and the very reason for the depression or borderline situation be thus vindicated ans given another chance to express itself in the most disastrous manner. This gives the student an impression of not being considered seriously and to have no right in seeking help, and is enough for a suicidal patient who is, I think, all the more earnest in this endeavours to succeed academically that he may be driven to such deadly extremities, to disconsider his own good.

This happened to me in 2014. In 2019, four people have not only attempted but succeeded in committing suicide. If by 2024, we may not only have 0 casualties, but also have made such progress as to prevent even the contemplation of suicide amongst the student population at Ottawa U, then this petition will have had its most striking effect. Canada is a rich country that can afford to set devices in motion to limit (not prevent altogether, for such is not within the reach even of God himself) those occurrences, that improperly understood and accompanied mental health can drive one to.

Thank you.

[skinny-boy-endeavours]

Warning: this message might shock most people, although I assume only people with an interest in these issues are likely to read it till the end, and if you are an ex-anorexic or bulimic, or a person scanning the web in search for potential culprits against your good sense, this is perhaps not going to please you. All the same, I will write it.

Since I have been living with eating disorders, more than a decade, and very nearly two decades have elapsed, and since I have joined Tumblr in a hope of finding some comfort and expressing myself at times like “these”, not even one decade has elapsed. I am a boy, I am twenty-eight, I have suffered from eating disorders for as long as I can remember, at about when switching from childhood to adolescence. I have taken a lot upon myself, and am still taking quite a lot, either out of habit or by sheer automatic resignation. I have finished my studies, I have my university diploma, I have remained at the same workplace for several years and I am both reliable and disciplined. But in the last ten years, I have been hospitalized a dozen of times, most of which upon my own free decision, and always seemed to recover a little more each time from I knew not what exactly, but that made me heartsick to the extent of driving myself to suicide on several occasions (at least 5, almost successful, by severe poisoning). I did not heed, at first, that my parents and their controlling temperament and conduct towards me might have the invisible cause behind all my self-destructive behaviours. I still find it hard to evaluate to what extent their pressurizing and eternally unsatisfied influence has driven me to hate myself only, to bear all the pain and to live only a small percentage of what is normally called “life” only to justify my existence and temper their grave looks upon my miserable person. The first thing to be said is that anorexia, bulimia, eating disorders in general and all feverous afflictions, when befalling a young person, girl or boy, is never a “fancy”, nor an invention of problems that were nonexistent beforehand, but a real discomfort, if not a living pain that is being converted into self-destruction, for want of a proper way out to an every-moment-guilt of being alive, under the control pf one’s parents, for they are authorities that are not to be gotten rid of as long as the child is a “minor” or is under their tutelage. Even when this comes to pass, the sentiment of the child who has lived under such a control for years, legally speaking, may and sometimes will inevitably reproduce his unhealthy patterns, either by the constant skin-deep memory of his former captivity of lack of freedom, which, after all, and I understand it now, is the sole and only motive for eating disorders in an adolescent and for an entire-life-wrecking nervous indisposition. I have noticed that at a healthy distance from my parents, I thrive rather well, although I still am fragile, and that when I am intensely with them for at least three or four days, this fragility is increased twice, thrice or more, proportionally to the albeit small time I have passed in the fateful company of my parents, who, despite what might be concluded from the above-written, are loving and caring, and wish nothing but my wellbeing. How then is it possible to feel, to declare oneself oppressed and pressed if one’s parents do not beat or ill treat one ? This is the whole issue: the pain inflicted by controlling parents is infinitely more subtle than any amount of “Physical” beating or mistreatment. All the more, that it is involuntary, and the parents do not realize the pain they are inflicting, and their ignorance of their very own misbehaviour is greater as they don,t understand that their love for their children is being counterproductive and is actually undermining their child’s development into healthy adults, and most of the time, driving them to self-destructive behaviours. This is no victim-playing, one has better things to do than looking, and even finding, guilt where it dos not have an actual existence. But in this lies the problem of nervous disorders into young people and their subsequent mark left upon the young people who have become adults and have to live with their self-destructive envies or direct behaviours, probably until they die, having half-lived only, become the ghost of their either living or dead parents has taken much of their energy and has achieved its final task: make oneself self-hating although alive and “functional” in society. I know why initially, eating disorder suffering patients were rightfully and tactfully removed from their families, from the sickening environment almost entirely manifested by the parent(s) or care-giver, of whoever while wishing the best for one’s child, drives her or him to seek freedom from the yoke through means by which they can escape, both physically and emotionally, and breathe, and while in the presence of the yoke-masters, feel themselves free, at least temporarily, by taking control over the only things they have any over: in this case, food intake, calorie outtake, etc. Drug problems, self-harm, and the like, are all ways of coping with a pressure than has become internalized and persists even when the subject is withdrawn from his familial environment for one’s best recovery or when one is definitely away from it. So tis is what I feel today, and what I come to realize. Of course, I am aware that this may be my case only, and that for all sorts of people, all sorts of circumstances are accountable for all sorts of joys and pains, and consequent self-building or self-destructive behaviours; that all cases of nervous indispositions are not imputable to the familial environment or the parental controlling facies, yet, this is my case and for my wellbeing, I must try to formulate it in a rational manner both for myself and for those whom it might be of use to to read these sentences and find that, as invisible as it is, the cause of their nervous disorders (I must insist, also, that a nervous disorder is not a mere nervosity or stress felt from time to time, but a fundamental indisposition of the whole nervous system, that affect the entire life and both physical and mental health of an individual, and it often drives one from depression to anxiety and back again, until one either is taken into a hospital for rest, or commits suicide although the material conditions in which he lives are what most of our “gentle-natured philanthropists would consider to be far above 2/3 of the world’s average material conditions). The whole point of this is not to throw guilt everlastingly upon one’s parents for all that happens, far from it. But if one is of a fragile nervous disposition and his parental environment does not help this disposition otherwise than retrogressively, as in my case of a till-here lasting eating disorder and as I imagine, of several if not most other people, girls or boys, with eating disorders, then severance from those austere parents is perhaps the first and most important step to be taken, either by the patient’s initiative or by his therapist. It may not be advisable in all cases, as the patient’s have different personalities and have received the more or less bad influence from their own different environments, but I am quite certain that in many instances of anorexia or bulimia or other EDs, this severance is salutary, and may, at the patient’s will, be prolonged as indefinitely as needed, for the invisible controlling influence can follow the patient, as I have already said, like a ghost, it matters not if the parents are still “physically” alive or not, or have been “objectively” demanding/austere/controlling/oppressing. The goal of this is not to spend one’s life in accusation of one’s parents, nor to remain mournful of one’s past, but once this step made, this important step, for the patient to be able to distinguish the part of himself that WANTS to suffer, to destroy himself and punish himself (eating disorders are self-harming coping methods, again, that can become internalized and last within the individual even years after the last definite severance from the individual’s unheeding parental environment/influence. I have repeatedly insisted upon this point, because once understood, as an underlying rule to unlock a difficult calculus of mathematics or physics, it will become not only easier, but truly feasible for the patient, whether he his 12 or 30, to know herself or himself and, as I had started to disert upon a little earlier, to know that his unhappiness is rooted in a self-hated that is rooted in a distorted perception of one’s worth and value as a human, as she or he perceives herself of himself as the direct product of his parents and must be perfect in every way and every instance, until it becomes untenable and metamorphoses itself into an altogether endeavour for irreproachability and self-control, which in its turn becomes what we call an “eating” disorder”. This is no freudian explanation of the mother or father sense within the child who either wants to kill the latter in order to freely fuck the former or simply hates them and eventually, himself, and strive never to resemble either of them by saying yes when they say no and reversely. This only means that the motive for an eating disorder is, in many cases, whether felt immediately and clearly or not, or only later, and to various degrees, a consequence of one’s unhealthy parental behaviour. I have written all this because it has become clear over time, gradually, and not all at once nor in a very definite and clear perception, for it is likely to change over time, as I live on, but these two tendencies, I have observed to remain constant and increasingly self-evident over time, regardless of individual circumstances: that is, 1) that my self-observation has always led me to understand that my self-destructive tendency varies along with my frequentation and near-sensing of my parents, who renew my self-hate, diminish or augment it proportionally, 2) that as long as eating disorders have been observed, whether they had already received a name of some sort or this generally nowadays accepted name, the tendency of the observer was that either the mother or the father had a devastating influence upon their child, an influence which, albeit invisible or at least very subtile, is very real and real enough to drive the child to self-destruction although their material condition is either normal or above the average. They are unhappy and feel oppressed enough to starve themselves, or to purge themselves, or have suicidal thoughts and or behaviours. Even in ancient cases, such as the all-too-famous on of Santa Caterina da Siena, the anorexic behaviour was associated if not entirely attributable to the mother’s controlling influence. In some other cases, modern or ancient, it may be the father’s controlling influence, which, of course, might not be physically agressive, but, upon a subtler plane, emotionally, intellectually, agressive, often when he has achieved some degree of intellectual authority and tries to impress it upon his child’s senses that she or he is to be at least equally rigorous, important or what not, which the child would have fain achieved even, and better so, without this moral pressure upon her or his nerves. Now, there are things upon which one cannot go back, but it is important, at least for me at this moment, to identify this cause, and to work from the knowledge of that efficient cause of the nervous/eating disorder to move forward, and have a decent life, because one cannot have it unless one makes this turn upon oneself and sees that what impedes one is the parental ghost, and I mean this without any psychoanalytical sentiment, for I do not see it as intervening in the eating disorder instance. This is equally true in the case of the freudian explanation of anorexia, that the mother being the material feeder of the child, the child stops eating when his mother’s will she or he fells antagonistic to its own. This is good for allegorical mythology, but not for practical problems that demand a practical solution: in this instance, what has to be understood, and what indeed HAS a relationship with either of the patient’s parents or with both, is that across time and space, this relationship is the root of the problem, which itself is not a one-sided guilt, it would be too easy, but rather a bad or shock meeting of genetic nervous indisposition on one side and of an austere or controlling parental influence on the other. Eating disorders become the only way out imaginable for this situation that involves no culprit but that involves as surely as possible at least one victim: the child who seeks freedom from a legal bondage, and tries to grow and to develop herself or himself under this constant nervous strain. The formerly eating-disordered children who, like myself, have gone into the adult age still carrying their self-destructive patterns and have tried to be a good citizen while waking with the envy of suicide in the morning and going to bed in tears, sleeping by the grace of strong drugs and working like a normal person by who knows whose grace, must, I declare it bluntly, turnabout and sweet is the cause of their lasting pain and poor mental health, which, in this instance, affects the whole physical organism equally, and can damage it permanently (the nervous indisposition has already a disabling effect upon the entire being, both during the adolescent growth wherein the individual is normally meant to build himself, and after the end of hormonal growth when one is an adult; the added problem of an eating disorder, superposed upon this already fragile nervous system, may be very destructive physically, and even more so as time rolls on, but also on the mind and the emotional faculties, which become prematurely tired and strained, especially when entertained over years, and eventually decades). I therefore conclude my long word, and also congratulate my reader upon his patience, by saying that an eating disorder is controlling parental influence + genetic nervous disposition and that the recovery can neither be forced upon the patient as an evidence nor even occur in the mind of the patient while her or his father or mother has not been identified as the cause of her or his emotional imbalance, and subsequently and consequently, been put aside from one’s life and definitely either discarded or healthily dealt with (by regulating, if not abolishing, the rapports one has with one’s parents or with the one in question that has an unhealthy bearing upon the child’s nerves). Now, this is only my opinion, and I perhaps imagine everything and I am not sick after all and all this is but a bad dream... But, on the other hand, I know not why, I feel that most eating disordered people, young or less young, will relate with the few statements I have abode made, and find that they describe their own cases quite accurately, because what I have singled out as the one invariable ou almost invariable tendency across time and space, in the case of EDS, is the parental influence, and it is a tendency because it cannot, totally at least, be dissociated from the very problem of EDs, and I am quite sure that those who have read this hitherto shall feel that they are not alone, and that behind their apparent madness, and underneath their emotional pain, there is something quite similar across the cases, and that something subtle lies at the foundation of it, something that has its constancy across the circumstances, and that determines the appearance of the coping method known under the name of eating disorders.

Saturday the 18th of May, 2019

[skinny-boy-endeavours]

My greatest dream?

Vodka zero

[skinny-boy-endeavours]

[skinny-boy-endeavours]

society says no to anorexia but yes to anorexic bodies

[skinny-boy-endeavours]

No LINDA, I do NOT think that skinny people are better or more attractive than anyone else. I only think that about ME, and it’s because I have an EATING DISORDER, a MENTAL ILLNESS, something that I CANNOT CONTROL.

[skinny-boy-endeavours]

This might be offensive, sorry

Tw: eating disorders

I really hate when people try to be eating recovery role models, tell their fans that they have healthy eating habits, but they literally jumped from one eating disorder to another. Like if you used to starve yourself 24-7 and now you starve yourself all day and binge all night, that’s literally a binge-restrict cycle. It’s not healthy.

[skinny-boy-endeavours]

true

Dont forget…

That half the thinspo girls on your blog got there by eating healthy and exercising, they probably eat 3 meals and have no idea that people are starving themselves to get their body. My point is what you’re doing is optional and there are plenty of ways to be skinny and small but not have to go through hair loss, fainting, eroding teeth and all the other shit our ed puts us through. Recovery doesnt have to mean weight gain.

Please stay safe, look after yourself and remind your followers too as well x

[skinny-boy-endeavours]

My ed: starve.

Me: okay

Me: *doesn’t eat all day*

My ed: I said STARVE.

Me: I am

My ed: sTaRVe

Me: I AM

My ed: STARVE BETTER

Me: *screams*

My ed: *screams louder*

[skinny-boy-endeavours]

ED be like: am I shaking because I’m cold or because I’ve had too much caffeine??? 🤔

[skinny-boy-endeavours]

Reblog if you ought to lose as many kilos as it is required for your sense of personal satisfaction to enable you to unreservedly call yourself a proud and gallant anorexic, come what may, and even if physical malnutrition is the price of all your pain... Because that is what will happen anyway, whether you perceive it at this moment or only later on; whether society, family, friends, medicine or even yourself wish it or not, and whether it is approved of or not. If one is an eating-disordered person, she or he shall wish for more than a commonplace, boring : if need to drop a few kilos in order for me to have a nice evening at the ball, or I want to be healthier because here and now I am morbidly obese, and I wish to be there and then at a more reasonable weight. If you are a pro-ana in need of tumbler or anything else to vent, you are a distressed person who has already lost all notion of “social propriety” and superficial attainment: you wish for your own death because you are a depressive individual and you starve and binge ad purge yourself because you have a longtime ago disappeared from the common layers of humanity. 

Reblog if you need to lose 10 lbs before christmas

[skinny-boy-endeavours]

I can hardly bear it anymore, I realize that my good intentions towards myself have led me nowhere, and here I sit, seeing again that my so-called “right attitude” has earned me no reward, no result, no satisfaction. I may be at a healthy weight, according to medical standards, and slimmer than most people around me, I realize that I am not happy all the same, and probably never will be. Pain is my daily life, and has been for as long as I can remember. I am 27 yet my body feels at least trice as old, and I can say without fear of questioning that I have the body of an old man, however young I may appear to most people who believe me to be still in my early twenties or my late teen years....

Little do they know!

I have been complimented upon my endurance and my steadiness, but I cannot do otherwise, for if I recline upon myself, I should be ready to end it all.

Since it has not succeeded formerly, for I have attempted to my days several times (at least 4 or 5), only to find myself buried under the same obligations towards myself, my family, etc.

To endure means practically nothing, when nothing else remains for one.

I feel old and as though I have missed my life, and every morning is a struggle to get ready for work and other occupations.

I am old, however striking this might sound to any people above my own age, who feel it unfair to be given sudden additional years through my complaining of my own. It seems I have died long ago. I have been feeling this depressive and suicidal for years, and it has gone into a normal state of being for I don’t even think bout it expected some nights like this one. I am not normally of the complaining type, and tomorrow surely I will go on like I always have. I used not to understand my own need for creating  tumblr blog centred around mental problems I thought to possess only in a mild way, and only now I see what it is to need a pro-ana blog to “vent”.

My psychiatrists, my psychologists, all those nice people whom I respect, or anyone else, whatever diploma or speciality they way possess, cannot see a single percentage of what I am going through every moment of my life, and for how long I have borne it and probably still shall bear it eternally.

Those so-called specialists are so full of themselves that they do not see that we, eating-disordered people, on the mere score of our endurance and forbearance, we are not to be classified as dysfunctional beings who would benefit from a prolonged voluntary hospitalization: as long as we are not 17.5 by BMI, and that we are not in an “observable death-nearing condition of malnutrition and body depletion), we are no good candidates for the medical body, nor are we taken into account or even looked upon as distressed in any medically recognizable way.

I hardly ever express this sort of longings and feelings, neither here on tumble nor “in real life”, but to all those who take it upon themselves, once brainwashed by their own doctors and the good society, to relinquish their former desires for perfection by the means of an eating disorder, and to have no rest until all the pro-ana blogs have been shut down, I say this: we are not bad people, not criminals, only people who suffer from a condition that is treated distinctly by both the so-called medical professionals AND the bulk of society. We are practically never given the appropriate means to express ourselves, and therefore pro-ana blogs are both necessary and salutary. Anorexia, or bulimia, and other such ailments, if they are really so, in pure keeping with the psychiatric logic, can by definition not be prevented, at least no more than can schizophrenia or bipolar disorder: they are meant of develop or they are not: therefore, shutting down of tumblr pro-ana blogs will not lessen or ease this issue, but rather worsen it. There is no other means of expression for eating-disordered people, and this is a state of affairs that can be experienced not only by the sufferers, but by everyone around them: there is no salvation, unfortunately, either amongst the crew of psychiatrists, medical people and tutti quanti, nor amongst the variously sympathetic and sensitive good society (this includes family, friends, coworkers and all the rest of it). Therefore, only a platform such a tumblr or blogs can provide a possibility for the ED community to “vent”, and to lessen the weight of the problem, so to speak, and it has never been invented to ‘promote” eating disorders, which cannot be done anyway since they are mental diseases like schizophrenia and the like, and the pro-ana movement has no goal of propagations of problems: we have enough without inventing ourselves supplementary concerns and worries, unlike the good-hearted pro-aha-blogs-fighters who have got nothing else to do, ONCE their disease properly addressed (which is the ultimate goal), to scan and roam the web chasing after”bad and ill-intentioned pro-ana bloggers”... Grotesque!

The goal of pro-ana blogs, or not pro anything, really is, and has always been to provide some alleviation of our problems, and nothing else. Take this away and soon, quite soon, you will see that the problem, not only shall have not been resolved, but that it shall have worsened. When the psychiatrist will have found a more competent way of addressing a mental problem otherwise than through mere “force-feeding” (which has never deterred any anorexic from pursuing her or his behaviour), then these blogs will become less of a necessity. But unless and until then, the pro-ana movement shall retain its raison d’être and cannot be brushed aside without provoking a bad effect. To eliminate the effect, one must look for the cause: eating disorders have no proper response anywhere else than on the internet. This resort has been devised out of a need and not out of a vain search for conversion: this is the pastime of medicine, science in general, ever since it has dislodged the place of religion in people’s hearts

Enough said: I feel better.

[skinny-boy-endeavours]