skullsizedhell

[skullsizedhell]

I REALLY SHOULD WRITE MORE

I kinda planned to write a LOT here about what’s goin on with my life, yet i lost the motivation to do so. So much goin on, so much time wasted to do nothing or just mindlessly scrolling. Maybe i need a time out of social media.

Lately i feel empty, i’m not happy or sad, i just feel tired. kinda missed hanging out with my friends, but when i met them i dont know what life update i need to share. Now that i’m married i cant just tell them every issues i had with my husband. i have to keep it just for me. somehow i dont even know what to feel. I dont know the feeling i feel. i cant describe it. i might be lonely.

I know that i shouldnt expect anything from my partner but i just can’t help it. I wish he’s more warm hearted (?) i hate it when sometimes he turns cold (i feel like he kinda cold person, and i dont want to gaslight my self for telling otherwise) and the way he told me to be more well dressed (not that i dont dressed properly, he wants me to wear something more modest as a muslimah). I hate that he dont reconsider my opinion about the clothes i’m wearing. its not see-through, it’s not tight to my body, it’s still modest for me (even my dad don’t complain) but for him, what he sees and what he think is the most  correct form of dressed up. i hate how he said it. i hate the intonation and the stares he gave me. he dont even want to hear the words i’m saying. 

As far as i remember, i said it clearly that i HATE man who think they have the right to tell how a woman should dressed. When we’re still a boyf-gf thing, he NEVER commenting on how i dressed. but now? i have to get his approval just to wear a clothes. i’m sick of it. i dont want to love him less. but what to do when he rarely said sorry and keep pushing his norm to me like that?

[skullsizedhell]

You know what? I always been scared with marriage. I think its pointless and such a waste of time. Its tiring and its just an additional problem for my life. Why do we have to be married to considered normal? Can’t we just be in love where we can leave whenever we want to without any strings attached?

This is the first time for me to want to marry a person. But i got scared. Because that very person turns out didnt care about my feelings at all. He seems only care about what he wants and what he feels. I’m here tryin to fulfill everything he wants. But it seems he never care about what i’m feeling. He might gaslighting me. Or he just dont really care because what i feel isn’t very important for him.

He just want a girl who’s obidient. Who do exactly what he says. Should i just cancel the wedding or go on with it and have a divorce later on? He can take the kids if he want. Idc.

No one really care for me eh. They just attracted by appearance eventually.

And you know, sometimes in my marriage life, when things go bad between us, and all i want is for you to fight for me, for you to run to me, for you to hug me and say that you love me still, you wouldnt do it. You just go on with your life and feelings and needs without care about mine. You just gonna let me go further away from you. And i’ll be cryin alone at night pat my own head. Hug my own body. Calm my own mind.

So i asked myself again. Is this the marriage i want to be in? Is this the life i want to spend?

[skullsizedhell]

Sometimes i asked my mom can i come with her? I know that the world is a place of sadness, pain, mysery and all. Its just temporary. Maybe rather than chasing the world and spiraling into anxiety, i should just prepare for my death. It might come sooner.

[skullsizedhell]

I finally talk my worries to him. Turn out he has the same worries as me. He kinda ask what my plans are if the worst come. Honestly, idk. I’ve applied a lot of job but i still didnt hear anything from them. I’m trying to upgrade my skill but it needs time, and for a 28 y.o women with basic knowledge and entry level, there’s not much chance. It makes me anxious.

So today i decide to go to a movie with him, but then he got mad about something. Things got awkward, and the movie i want to see turns out an advanced ticket so it play for tomorrow. We just sitting face to face, busy with each phone and sit in silence. He kinda mad at me.

I think he shouldnt be that mad, there goes my mood again. Back spiralling down. It’s been hard lately to keep my mood up. Idk maybe its just another episode or maybe i’m just fucked in the head.

[skullsizedhell]

Today, suddenly i feel as if i am a burden. I dont have much skills nor i have a connection or something. I probably will become jobless next year. Idk man. Its hard getting a job at entry level for this age. And its not like i dont want to upgrade my skill. Its just, i feel so tired whenever i come back home. I commute a long way from home to office. I’ve got no energy left at home (yet i still manage to do a home workout for 15 minutes).

I somehow feels i dont have value or life purposed if i’m not working or make money. My dad always said that i have to work. That i have to make my own money and take care of (at least) myself. I cant rely my life to anyone. My dad always told me that the value of a person is come from whether they can make a living or not. What kind of job they have. Is it prestigious or its just an ordinary job. And i feel like if i choose to have an ordinary job without career in it, he would feel ashamed.

[skullsizedhell]

Its been a loooooooong time since the last time i write. LOT of things happened. Like a LOT lot. Where do i start eh?

The last time i wrote is when mas bim and me had a fight when i was in Yogyakarta. We’re not talking like a couple of days and we gave each other a cold shoulder for a week or almost two weeks.

Anyway, we start to prepare for our marriage, bla bla bla. We found a perfect place, and we found a WO that we like. But we still need to make sure about the venue price and stuff (like the date of the wedding and etc). His mom wants to talk to me too. Its kinda make me nervous as i dont get along too well with a new person.

There’s something i reallly really wanna write. We were on a walk at this mall i’ve always come. We had a talk about “what are the things that you always asked to God and now you have it?” I will go straight to his answer. He said “you” (i really love listen to this) 🥰 he said that he really really likes me since looong time ago and he feel hopeless as we are not in a same circle so its hard for him to get to me. As he moved to Bogor, alone in his house, he cannot stop thinking about me that it start to bug him. At that moment, he always said my name in his prayer after every salah that he did (cute i know 🥺). He even told me that he pray so hard he start to cry. That he really is tired to have this feeling. His prayer was, if i were belong to him, make it easy for him. But if it werent, make it easy for him to forget about me.

And then here we are. 10 months after the first time he told me that he loves me, preparing for our marriage. I used to think that i will never marry because i dont need the dramas and stuff. But who knows that i’m gonna love a man this much. Like where have you been all this time seriously? Why dont we meet sooner 🥲

I genuinly happy with him. Even tho we had an argument sometimes. I like the good and the bad in him. I do love him so much i’m afraid that one day he’s running out of love for me and just start to distancing him self from me and left me eventually. The anxiety is buggin me. I always feel like he dont love me anymore whenever he had a slightly diff tone when he talks to me. ☹️ (yes i’m that anxious). I’m afraid that i’m not fit the idea of his type once we married. I guess i just afraid that he left me one day.

I kinda miss him a lot, like evryday. I think about him everytime. I think about him and smile.

I love when he hug me, i love when he caress me, i love when he touch my waist, i love when he look into ny eyes dearly, i love when he wrap his hand around mine, i love when we kissed.

I remember our first kiss. A simple kiss on a cheek, on my forehead and on my lips 🥺 it gives me a whole damn zoo. It feels like the first time i fall for someone. Never had this feeling with all of my exes.

A lot i want to write, but thats it for now. I’ll write a lot more when i have the mood. I want to remember all the good things i had, so i need to write everything

[skullsizedhell]

i dont want to say that i might take a few step back, but the moment i think about it, i already did.

it start to show what he really is. The good and the bad. the thing i hate the most from a men, and the thing that make me want to stay. i might have a relapse. after all, time dont heal anything. i just keep doing the same mistake, chosing the same old love that i really want to avoid.

at first i think that he actually cool with me have a male-best-friend. i know me and this friend of mine, the relationship we have are not like the usual friendship most people have (at least most people around me). 

But i just need him to trust me. I dont have feelings towards this person, and so do him. we have a different religion, and we 100% just friends and there’s no romantic feeling between us. 

He’s furious when he know that Boy chat me asking for a kiss. ( i know it feels weird if you read it that way, but if you know him, then you know that he’s just joking dan gue pun gak mengindahkan itu. kayak “yaudah its nonsense anyway, there’s no need for me to brush it off”) and sometimes he asked for a PAP  (post a picture). THAT I DONT GIVE ANYWAY. 

and that was looooong time ago, the “asked for a kiss” is when i’m still not with Bayu, and the “asked for a PAP” is around April but i didnt even gave him. 

He (Bayu) asked me to stay away from Boy. and he ORDERED me no to be friends with him anymore. 

I dont have a lot of friends, and for me, friends is an important thing. i only have a few. and i keep them dearly. Bayu dont get it. 

i remember my ex told me to cut things off with all of my male friend. and when he become a pain in the ass, i REGRET it that i cut ties with my male friends.

i dont want to make the same mistake again but Bayu start to irritate me and saying things like “hargai dirimu sedikit lah, jangan terlalu murah” THE WORDS STAY WITH ME I CANT JUST SHAKE IT OFF. 

i really think that i’m not ready for a relationship. maybe i’m just lonely. idk.

The things that matter to him feels like hal sepele for me. and the things that matter to me irritated him so much. i start to think that if we continuing this relationship he’ll start to controls me, and its just gonna be like when i’m with my ex all over again. 

I’m way to weak to stand up for myself. and way too soon to attached with new people. i can see where its going..

[skullsizedhell]

Gratefull list

1. Sekeluarga sehat

2. Masih diberikan kenikmatan ibadah

3. Diberikan kenikmatan makan/minum

4. Masih memiliki pekerjaan

5. Kebutuhan dasar terpenuhi

6. Punya tempat untuk ‘pulang’

7. Punya teman yg baik

8. Masih bisa bercanda dan ketawa :D

9. Selamat di perjalanan pergi dan pulang

10. Gak kehabisan bensin sebelum ketemu SPBU :D

11. Pas jalan jalan siang gak kehujanan

12. Bisa minum air putih hampir 1L :D

[skullsizedhell]

At this point i just give up on live. I dont want to grow nor i want to try to challenge myself whatsoever. I just gonna spend my life waiting for my time to die. I live only because its not my time to die yet.

[skullsizedhell]

I just realize that after all this time, i dont have a side hustle. Everyone i know has it. I feel so useless for not having a side hustle. Maybe i should have one. Where do i start 😩

[skullsizedhell]

I send him this note :

“Hai mas, udah lama gak komunikasi sama kamu. Semoga kamu udah gak marah sama aku. Aku minta maaf ya karena banyak hal dari aku yg kamu gak tau. Dan mungkin emang gak semua hal aku ceritakan ke kamu. Soal masalah yg kemaren, aku minta maaf gak bisa jadi apa yg kamu mau. Aku gak bisa ngelakuin semua hal yang kamu minta. Bukan karena aku tidak merasa kamu spesial. Aku sayang kamu, kamu tau itu kan? Tapi bukan berarti karena aku sayang kamu terus aku bisa ngelakuin apapun yg kamu minta. I do try my best tho. Tapi mungkin bagi kamu itu sepele. Bagi ku yg cuek ini itu suatu effort yg bisa aku kasih ke kamu. Mungkin kurang. Atau gak berasa.

I can and more than willingly to tell you about everything and explain it to you but it seems useless because you cant trust me anymore, right? Tapi pun yg akan ku jelasin juga udah pernah aku jelasin. Jadi cuma semacam repetisi aja. Aku gak nyalahin kamu karena gak percaya lagi. Karena kamu begitupun karena aku gak bisa sesuai dengan ekspektasi mu.

Tapi menurutku temen itu penting. Kamu juga penting of course. Aku dan temen temen cowokku gak seperti apa yg kamu pikirkan. Mungkin kita baru kenal deket beberapa bulan terakhir ini, makanya kamu belom tau kalo when i’m in relationship, saat ada cowok yg deketin aku, aku gak akan gubris mereka. Cuma secukupnya aja. Mungkin itu gak cukup untuk kamu. Tapi ya aku begitu. Aku harap kamu bisa paham dan nerima hal itu.

Apalagi kita punya banyak rencana bersama. Gak mungkin aku akan main main tentang hubungan kita. Untuk aku yg gak pernah ada rencana nikah, hubungan ini dan semua percakapan kita udah sangat serius. Aku kira dari situ kamu udah tau kalo aku seserius itu. Tapi ternyata hal yg menurutku sepele bisa ngebuat kamu se sakit hati itu. Maaf sekali lagi ya.

Tapi mungkin kamu lupa, aku udah pernah bilang kalo aku harus tau kamu masih sayang aku dan masih mau hubungan kita berlanjut walaupun kita lagi berantem. Tapi beberapa hari ini aku gak dapet respon apapun dari kamu. Dan aku gak suka itu. Kamu masih akan diem kayak gini sampe kapan? I give you time to calm down. But dont make it too long. Kalo gak mau komunikasi lagi, aku anggep kamu gak mau menyelesaikan ini. I give you a week, i hope that’s enough. At least kalo memang gak mau ngomong lagi sama aku kamu bilang ya 😊 Kalo memang aku segitu salahnya bagi kamu, dan kamu segitu gak bisanya percaya lgi ke aku, kita omongin lagi ya gimana rencana kedepannya.

Jujur banyak yg mau aku obrolin sih, dan aku gak ada orang lain untuk cerita cerita. Jadi for a while i keep it to myself aja. Its hard not talking to you when i’m used to. I give you a week. I wont text or call you for that time if you want (in case kamu keganggu dengan hal itu). Sorry for wasting your time by calling you for 5-6 hours.

Thats all i wanna say. Hope you have a great day ❤️”

And now i can only wait for his responses. If he could accept me and the things that important to me, maybe we still could make this relationship works. But if he’s not open to any solution for this problem nor he wouldn’t or couldn’t accept me then maybe its best to stop it before i love him too much.

The only problems left is how do i tell my family that i broke up. Its even hard to tell my friends about it let alone tell my family 🫠 belom unnecessary sympathy nya 😩😩

[skullsizedhell]

I think i’m gonna talk to him 1st. Overthinking and asuming wont do me good. I need to write down all the facts here

1. He wont trust me whole again.

2. He said he’s afraid to love someone he cant trust.

3. He didnt reply to my text for this 3-4 days.

4. He said he still love me.

Thats all the fact that i know. And for this past 3-4 days we didnt talk, my brain made this scenario that he might continue not talk to me forever, therefore this relationship need comes to an end. Thats probably the worst that could happen to us.

For me, i need to sort it out what are my mistake:

1. I’m being more than a co-worker-friendship with my friend. Such as show my male co-worker-friend a video of my niece, watch movies with one gf and male co-worker-friend. Recieved birthday gift that given to me personally.

2. Tell him that there’s only a few know my private number but exclude to said that my 2 male-co-workee-friend knows it too.

It might be nothing to me. As i do feel nothing about them. But it is a big deal for him. And for me to said that it was just him being jealous and assuming things, its (maybe) an act of gaslight.

But i still think, do i really deserve to be treated this way? Is he need some time to be away from me or is he give me the silent treatment. Anyway i feel like i dont deserve to be treated this way. Whether what i feel is right or wrong, i still feel it.

After this one ends, i still have a thought that i’m actually the problems. I might have to live alone because no one wants me at this age. Or maybe i just simply wont fall in love ever again. Its too much high too much pain too heart wrenching. I dont think i want it.

I need to plan to live on my own. Starting with have a stable job, doin hobbies, workout, pampering my self, look for some place to live (i cant live in my house anymore without gettin married. It will be too troublesome for my dad)

I need to start rent a house around my office. This is the 1st thing i need to do. And i have to make it a secret so no one knows i’m not live at my parents house anymore

[skullsizedhell]

Its been almost 3 days he didnt talk to me or reply to my text. I start to think that this relationship i had need to comes to an end. Maybe its a jinx because i have my hopes high with this one. I kinda make plans about the wedding. And it turns out just an 8 month relation. Maybe i shouldnt have feelings towards anyone. I swear i dont want to feel this heart wrenching feelings again. I should’ve know that this isnt goint to work out. I’m so stupid to let my guards down.

I didnt know how to end it tho. Should i just text him? How do i tell my family about this.. i’m pretty sure they gonna blame me for gettin failed to marry at this age. There’s so much things happened in my thoughts

[skullsizedhell]

I make a big mistake. I am too friendly with my (male) friend. And it upsetting my Bf. So so much he just trust me less. Not love me less. But he said it that he just cant trust the way he is. And it made me sad too that i lose his trust. I know when people lose their trust to someone . It just dont comeback whole again. In my defense, i’m not cheating. And in every convo we had about cheating, this one isn’t include.

So i start the convo with this friend. Well its actually not a convo because at work, i show my friends a video if my nephew. And i want to show it to this friend too. But he sat a bit far from me so i sent him the video on whatsapp. Thats all. And my BF said that i’m being flirty with him.

I’m sad because he dont trust me. That a small thing like that made him losing trust in me. He said there’s 3 events. First when this friend used to come to my house alone just to talk, 2nd when he come to my house to give me a birthday gift, and this is the third one.

I’m actually dont think that it was a big deal. Like there’s no other means behind it. This friend dont have any feelings towards me either i have any romantic feelings towards him. We’re just simply a close friend. But my BF dont think about it that way. I feel like i gaslighted him when i said that its just his assumption. But it is only his assumption. He reads too much into it. But it feels wrong to said it.

So i just apologize to my BF and explain it as best as i could. My brain automatically think that our relationship will never be the same anymore. I said to myself that it might not working out.

I need to practice non-attachment. Its 3 am and i’ve done my tahajjud and read an article about it.

“Once you understand the true meaning of attachment, you realize that you don’t have to push things away. You see that you can let go when something is no longer necessary without rushing towards the loss. So, how can you practice non-attachment in a world full of things, places, and people that you want in your life? Here are some ways to implement non-attachment in your life.

Start by letting go of what no longer exists in the present. Let go of what no longer serves you. Non-attachment means moving through life without letting things, people, or places have such a hold on you that you make wrong choices.

Don't Let Things Own You. No one’s perfect. Most of us have fixated on something in our lives that we can’t change, whether that’s an insult, another person’s actions, an aspect of our physical appearance, the loss of an opportunity, or a breakup between yourself and a former romantic partner. But, what if you didn’t let those things hold you back? Yes, it’s devastating when you’re rejected by a job you want or the person of your dreams, but you can’t let those losses define you. If you do, you might not be able to see the other doors that open for you in life. Let yourself feel the grief that comes initially, but don’t let it own you forever. Believe that good things will come, and the next time a door opens for you, walk in with positivity and confidence.

Recognize The Signs Of Impermanence Around You. Understandably, many of us spend our lives seeking stability. However, the inevitable truth is that things change. Part of non-attachment is understanding that the people and the world around you will change. Not only do you have to allow your life to change, but you have to allow yourself to change. Your kids will change, your friends will change, your routines will change, and your living situation might change. Nothing in life is exempt to change, and making the conscious effort to come to peace with that will help you feel a greater sense of peace in life overall.

Non-attachment naturally leads to accepting responsibility for your own happiness. As you let go of trying to control others, you finally realize that no one can reliably make you happy but you.The fact that others can't always make you happy doesn't mean others don't care for you. It only means that you're the one who's in the best position to know what it takes for you to be truly happy and has the power to do that every time you realize you aren't happy.

The idea of letting go can seem scary. You may feel like you're letting go of your control. The truth is that you're enhancing your personal power and gaining control over your life. The process can go more smoothly, though, if you have a guide to help you along the way.

https://www.regain.us/advice/attachment/what-is-non-attachment-and-how-can-i-learn-it/

[skullsizedhell]

I watched from up on poppy hills yesterday. At first it was heart warming. The situation, the scene, everything is heart warming. But in the middle of the movie, there’s this scene where the girl, i forgot the name, was sad and tired and lonely (i think), dream in her sleep. At first it was a nice dream. In that dream, she wake up in the morning and walk to the kitchen and see his mother make a breakfast. And then her dad come home and he hugs him tightly. That feeling of finally being secure again, being whole again, being with people you love the most and everything feels complete and perfect. But then she woke up. And find her self in her dark room with her sister. And realize that it was just a dream. That feeling (i dont know how to describe it) its what relate to me the most. There’s no words, no facial expression. But i know how she must feel.

[skullsizedhell]

Things i need to talk to my therapist:

- the feeling that everything i do is useless

- the feeling of hopelessness

- the feeling of anxiety of the future

- the feeling of losing interest in everything that i like

- should i really go to the psychiatric?

- i feel like i’m just asking for attention.

- i’m questioning my availability into a relationship

- why do i feel like it’s not worhty to keep up with the relationship or any other thing that i’m working on just because i have a minor inconvenience. Like why do i feel like giving up on things. Relationship, new skill, career switch, work related. Anything. If i ever make a mistake, even just one simple mistake i feel like a failure. Like nothing’s worth carry on.

[skullsizedhell]

You do know i have insecurities about my career right? Like i have no skill at all, either its a soft skill or hard skill. Even things that every human could do i cant. Social skill? Nah. Too anxiety to perform any social things. I often feel left out but that might be because i menarik diri dari yang lain.

Even i hate myself for thinking this way. It feels like i’m tottaly spoiled by my self. I hate this condition but i dont have the energy to change. I feel like i’m stuck in victim mentality. Just hoping that God somehow give me a better life (not that my life now is bad but you know, i want to be smart, skillfull, passionate, have a lot of conmection, etc without tryin to do anything)

I know that is annoying even for me. I talk big as if i know everything. But honestly i dont have any clue what kind of future i’m heading on. While i have these expectation from my family. I actually have zero skill to survive living.

Its not that i dont have anything i want to do. The problem is i have a lot of things i wanna do. I just dont know how to start and where to start. And i end up lying in my bed scrolling through my phones for hours.