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skys813 · 5 years ago

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Meet The Characters

Hello, darlings, I'm Sky and I'm the writer behind "An Ace Diary". I discovered I'm ace a few months ago and I had a lot of feelings about it that I couldn't figure out in my head, so I took to writing to unpack all of that and I figured if allowing others to see that helps someone else figure out what they're feeling, then why not do it? I started writing the first 4 chapters without any real plan or idea of what direction I wanted it all to go, that's why it took me over a month to come back and finally write out a proper finale for the first arc. Obviously, that's not the whole story because I still have a lot of feelings to unpack through these characters, so I'm currently planning the second arc. In the meantime, I thought it would help if I introduced you to the characters outside of the story since I'm not very good about describing how they look within the story. There are characters that I mentioned but won't describe right now because I simply don't know them myself very well and I'm getting to know a lot of them as I'm writing them. However, a good number of them have been floating around in my head long before I started writing this story, so I know them a lot better and feel more comfortable introducing them to you. I've described them as clearly as I myself can see them in my own head. (Note: the age they present as doesn't reflect how long they've existed, it's just how they feel comfortable presenting themselves.) Here they are:

The Attractions:

Sexuality (she): 9 years old, sickly pale skin, loose mid-length straight brown hair, purple shirt and jeans, barefoot

Romance (she): 28, dark tanned skin, mid-length wavy black hair in a messy bun, soft dark green jumper and black jeans and socks

Sensuality (she): 5/18, dark skin, loose fluffy black hair, long sleeve hoodie with the sleeves pushed up to the elbows and black leggings and fluffy Christmas themed socks

Aesthetic (she): 5/18, dark skin, loose fluffy black hair, white tank top and black leather jacket and leather pants and chunky leather boots

Libido (she): 20, lightly tanned skin, long straight black hair in a ponytail

Research (they): shoulder length dirty blond hair in a messy bun with pencils sticking through it

Anxiety (he): black tightly cropped pixie haircut, intense eyes, slim figure

Anger (she): 16, freckly pale skin, long wavy red hair in a ponytail, black tank top and leggings, barefoot

Now, obviously this idea was inspired by Thomas Sanders' "Sander Sides," however none of these characters are my interpretation of his characters or fanfiction, they're simply the voices that developed in my head and they are characteristics of me. Please note that my Anxiety is very different from Thomas's, and he views the world, thinks, acts, and ultimately impacts me very differently than Thomas's Anxiety does him. My Prince is also not Princey/Roman, Prince is a character I invented for myself, completely unrelated to creativity, and you'll learn all about him in later chapters. My characters are mine and his are his, some have a few similarities, but they are still very different overall. I would, however, like to credit him for the idea of different aspects of myself talking to me and each other, it's helped me and it was his idea that inspired this whole page. Thank you, Thomas.

If you're new to my page, feel free to check out the first arc, I've just finished editing it and it's all fully posted. It's a long read, but I think it's a fun one. I hope you enjoy it. I'll do my best to have a schedule for posting, but I make no promises.

Remember, you are precious, loved, and appreciated. I adore you. Go drink some water, eat some food, and take care of yourself.

-Much love,

Skylar

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skys813 · 5 years ago

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Discovery

Chapter 5 (Arc Finale)

Me: Before we start, is there anything you'd like to say, Anxiety?

Anxiety: *gives me a hard look and then looks away* No.

Me: I see. Let's begin, then. Over the past couple of weeks we've been struggling to deal with a new possibility. I'm aware that in every happy reality Research conjured for us we were in a romantic relationship with implied sexual undertones. The new possibility suggests that we don't find a romantic or sexual partner in the future. Up until now it's only been a vague suggestion, however, after further examination, I thought it would be best to bring it to the council's attention as a legitimate possible plan for the future.

Anxiety: I don't see why this is relevant given that Sexuality is obviously a lesbian. Haven't we been over this already?

Me: Actually, we haven't. That was a suggestion you made, not a fact of life. Which brings us to our first issue; determining Sexuality's true orientation. I'd like to bring some memories to the front if you don't mind. Let's start with a few questions I asked after I first learned what sex was. "Do I have to? Can I be married without doing it? Can I have kids without doing it?" Our first reaction was aversion. Of course, that's normal at the beginning, but those feelings never went away. Instead, it changed to reluctant acceptance that this is what would happen to us. The truth is that we never felt sexual attraction towards anyone, regardless of their gender. We knew instinctively we wouldn't like sex in any form, but we pushed the feeling down and convinced ourselves that it'd be fine and we'd just have to do this for love.

Love: Is that not true? The only lifelong bond that allows us to be as invested and dedicated as we wish to be is a romantic one. Friendship can be strong, but it's not the same, Sky. We would not be prioritized the same way, you can't expect that of someone. If they have a romantic relationship with someone else, they have to prioritize that person above you, regardless of how close you get. Only a romantic bond guarantees you that level of trust and faith in each other. The exclusivity.

Me: I understand and accept that we wouldn't always be prioritized above the person's romantic relationship, but the rest is simply not true. It's possible. Research, if you'd be a dear, and pull up the definitions of a Queerplatonic Relationship and a Zucchini.

Research: A Queerplatonic relationship is defined as "a committed relationship that is neither romantic nor sexual in nature but is based on an emotional bond beyond friendship, often between aromantic and/or asexual people" (AVEN, General FAQ, Definitions). "A zucchini is a partner in a queerplatonic relationship. The commitment level between partners is often considered to be similar to that of a romantic relationship, but with platonic love. Zucchinis may be of any romantic or sexual orientation" (AVENwiki).

Me: Thank you, darling. As you can see, it's entirely possible. In fact, it's so possible and has been felt and established by enough people that there are terms to describe the relationship we want. That's what we were looking for all these years, not some romantic relationship, much less a sexual one.

Anxiety: I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you've only proven sexuality is ace. Romance has been on board waiting for Prince to show up since day one. And we already agreed that Sexuality's orientation would be irrelevant to us in such a scenario as we would want him to be fully satisfied in the relationship.

Me: Romance hasn't actually been very vocal about her desires, she's been going along with whatever you and Research determined would be the best scenario. Again, let's pull up some memory files. First, there was her "crush," which she picked out for us much like one would pick out fruit at a stand, and is also a shared experience among other aromantics. We were never jealous of his relationship with our best friend or hurt by it, but instead helped them with arguments and were happy for them when they were happy. She shies away from any possible romantic partners under the guise of obeying our parents and religion when we all know full well we're stubborn and reckless enough that if we had ever desired such a relationship we would've acted on it by now. But we haven't.

Anxiety: Because no one has been worth the risk! We just haven't had the chance to meet the right person and it was never the right time before. We were too young.

Me: No one? When was the last time you saw Romance actually consider anyone as a potential partner?

Anxiety: That's because we're waiting for Prince, no one else is worth considering.

Me: That makes no sense and you know it. We can't find him if we never look. And Romance isn't interested enough to look in the first place. The fact of the matter is that she hasn't been active since we finally settled comfortably in our relationship. We might not use fancy terminology, but that's the nature of the bond we established with our best friend. The meaning we agreed upon for the relationship is the same as the one listed for queerplatonic relationships.

Anxiety: It's just too risky, it's irresponsible to put all your eggs in one basket like that. Friendships are fragile and fleeting-

Me: So is every other relationship. Friendships are not less than other bonds, they're equal and valid and they are what you make them. I believe in this one.

Anxiety: Fine. Don't listen to reason, whatever. But you might want to consider Love's needs and that certain aspects of our dreams would be off the table right off the bat if we went along with this madness, such as children and the home life we were so desperate to create one day. That's a dream you can't deny. You can't adopt children in a platonic relationship, so unless you plan on being a hypocrite and going out to have sex, praying not to catch an STD, and hoping to get pregnant that way, children would be completely off the table for us.

Me: First of all, it wouldn't be hypocritical, asexual people can have sex. But I do agree that that option is extremely unappealing all around. However, it wouldn't be as big a deal as you're making it out to be. Our motherly instincts can still be fulfilled if we add the found family element; we'd build a group of friends and mother them just like we used to. Love, how do you feel about that?

Love: I want children. We've always wanted children, I can't let go of that dream overnight. Mothering some friends isn't the same, I don't know if it'll be enough. I can agree to build new visions and scrap the old ones and incorporate Sexuality and Romance's identities, but you can't ever expect me to stop wanting children. I'm sorry.

Me: Don't be, it's who you are. Thank you for being so understanding. Research, what do you think?

Research: To be absolutely frank with you, I'm glad this is who we are. No husband to tie us down, fewer responsibilities, financial independence. It spells out a lot of opportunities to explore the world that we might not have had otherwise. And, no offense, Love, but children are expensive as hell. Our horizons just quadrupled without that financial and emotional burden. I vote yes.

*an awkward pause where Anxiety fumes on the side and refuses to say anything*

Me: .......Anxiety?

Anxiety: I'm the one who played the dreams. Are you happy now? You were right all along, and I was wrong. We're aro ace.

Me: I know.

Anxiety: *head snaps up* What?! You knew? How? And how long have you known? Why didn't you say anything?

Me: I think the meeting's done now, let's continue this privately. Love, Research, please act according to the council's decision and inform everyone of the verdict. Thank you. Anxiety, walk with me, darling.

Then.....

Sexuality blinks sleepy eyes open and looks around. Someone is by her bedside that she's only ever seen from afar. She tentatively lifts her hand and runs her fingers through Libido's hair. Her birthmate. What was she doing here? Libido stirs and murmurs something incoherent in her sleep before slowly opening her eyes to look back at Sexuality. Libido smiles softly.

Libido: You're finally awake. *jerks up frantically* Oh shit, you're awake! Oh my God, how're you feeling? Are you okay? Does anything hurt? Who do you want me to get for you? Do you want some water? Of course you want some water, what am I thinking-

Sexuality grabs Libido's sleeve as she makes to get up. Libido looks back, concerned and on the verge of panic. Sexuality shakes her head and tugs Libido back to her side.

Libido: Are you sure you don't want me to get you some food and water? You've been out of it for a while.

Sexuality shakes her head again and tugs Libido back down into her chair.

Libido: Okay, then. Um. Let's see, how do you usually communicate with Romance?

Sexuality: *gestures in sign language*

Libido: Oh, yeah, that makes sense. I don't know any signs though. Do you want me to get Research? They might be able to translate. Actually, they'll know what to do about all of this and what you need and-

Sexuality grabs and squeezes Libido's hand and she falls silent. Sexuality smiles briefly and shuts her eyes.

Libido: Oh. You're tired, yeah, that makes sense, too. Sorry about all that. Go back to sleep, sweetie. I'll notify the others when you're ready.

It was a while later before Libido realized that Sexuality had been fully aware and responsive during those few minutes without throwing up. On top of that, she'd made contact with Libido without any noticeable harm befalling her. Sexuality was, at long last, fully recovered.

Meanwhile.....

I walk with Anxiety down to his room. It resembles a library, but instead of books, there are notebooks, each and every one of them filled to the brim with scribbles and half-finished thoughts.

Anxiety: Welcome to my lair, oh annoying one. Have a seat.

Me: I think we need to discuss why you're so against us being aro ace.

Anxiety: I already made it very clear-

Me: The real reason, Anxiety.

Anxiety glowers at me for a few minutes. I don't look away and he finally backs down grudgingly.

Anxiety: *sigh* Do you remember what we were like when we were a kid? What we thought of ourself?

Me: How can I forget? I was the brattiest, most arrogant child I've ever had the displeasure of having to think about.

Anxiety: *shakes his head* I mean before Prince, specifically. We were in a low place and we had accepted that we would die old, bitter, and alone. I just don't want us to go back to that again. It was devastating enough the first time around for all of us. At least like this, it would've only hurt Sexuality and Romance.

Me: Anxiety, listen to me. We are not who we were five years ago. That vision of the future was built on self-hatred and hopelessness, that's why it looked like a doomsday vision. This time we're rebuilding to take care of ourself and every aspect of who we are. We don't have to sacrifice Sexuality and Romance to be happy. We can just build a future that makes all of us happy by accommodating them too. We would've never been happy if we'd tried to suppress them.

Anxiety: *shakes his head stubbornly* We can revert right back to where we were, not enough has changed, not nearly enough. I've just collected more reasons to hate ourself since then, there's no guarantee it won't happen.

Me: *eyes sharp, trying to casually scan the notebooks* There is one thing we could always do..... If you'd allow us, I mean.

Anxiety: *torn between hope and trepidation* Like what exactly?

Me: Burn them.

Anxiety: *stands up and positions himself between me and the nearest shelf* Get out. Get out right now!

Me: *stays seated calmly with my eyes fixed on his* Only the notebooks where you write all our faults. The memories would all stay intact. All your other notebooks would stay exactly where they are. I'm only suggesting we let go of the guilt. Those notebooks are as old as I am, cataloging every tiny mistake we've ever made, every embarrassing thing we've ever done, every regret. You're absolutely right, we can't move forward until we've let go of all of that. We have to move forward, Anxiety. The council has come to a decision. Something has to give or we really might revert back to what we were before.

Anxiety: Then we would've learned nothing! Do you want to repeat all the mistakes we've made?

Me: A gentle reminder that you're the reason we made some of the more serious mistakes.

Anxiety: Don't you think I know that? That's why I refuse to let go of them. If we never forget, if we never stop regretting them and feeling guilty for them, then we'll make up for it and we'll never do those things again.

Me: Darling, that's ridiculous. You do realize that you've written down things as small as chopping the wrong vegetable by accident at our job, right? And the serious errors in judgment are almost all from our childhood, from years ago. We've grown, we've changed, and we're past that now. We can't stay this way forever, hating ourselves for every tiny inconvenience we've ever caused anyone. Please, Anxiety, we have to burn those notebooks.

Anxiety: No. You don't understand. We can't! No! *clutches at his head and his breathing becomes shallow and rapid* I can't. You can't. I can't.

Me: Anxiety? *gets up slowly* Are you okay?

Anxiety: No! We can't! We'll never be good enough. We'll never be happy. You can't erase the past. We're horrible, can't you see that? So horrible. Horrible. Horrible!

I notice a smoky shape formed behind Anxiety, whispering in his ear and grinning at me. The time for conversation is over. I carefully sidestep Anxiety who is too wrapped up in his sobbing to notice my movement and try to punch at the shadow. My hand goes right through it. Right, then. Those notebooks need to burn. Now. I step behind them slowly. The creature turns to watch me but continues whispering to Anxiety. I reach for a random notebook to test out the waters. No reaction besides a widening smirk. Good. I quickly scan through the notebooks until I find the section I need before looking up again. The shadow is still, watching me with a contemplative frown while Anxiety drops to hug his knees and hide his face as he cries. I collect the notebooks loosely in my arms, carefully noting how tense the shadow is getting. It stands between me and the door. I had a feeling it would find a way to stop me if it wanted to, smoke or not. I edge my way back to the table and set the notebooks down. The creature relaxes. I sit down and pretended to start reading one. After a few moments, it loses interest in me and goes back to tormenting Anxiety. It starts to whisper faster, progressively more aggressive. When it looks to be distracted enough, I grab the notebooks and run. I hear a shriek of anger not long after but it doesn't follow me. I run and run until I reach the common room and dump the notebooks on the floor.

Me: Research, get over here! I need lighter fuel! Love, if you could grab a lighter for me, that'd be great! Now!

They get up from the couch without a word and go about getting the requested items as I start tearing the notebooks apart. By the time they get back, I've torn haphazardly through the notebooks and stacked them in a hollow pyramid shape. Research douses them all and I give Love a handful of paper to light before I carefully place them under the rest and watch the fire spread. Anxiety rushes into the room with a much-faded version of the shadow I'd seen behind him, but by then even the topmost of the pyramid had caught fire. The creature shrieks and Anxiety faints into Research's arms.

Research: *sighs* I should've known something like this would happen. I'll take him to the infirmary.

Love: What just happened? Who's Research taking to the infirmary and what did we just set on fire?

Me: Don't worry, Love, everything's going to be okay now. C'mon, let's sit down and I'll tell you everything.

Then.....

Romance jerks awake gasping and clutching at her neck and chest and starts coughing. Sensuality rushes into her room and gives her a crushing hug.

Sensuality: You're alive! You're awake! Oh thank God, I won't be left with just Aesthetic for company!

Aesthetic: Hey! I can hear you, you know. And good grief, get off her before you really kill her. Welcome back, Romance. How're you feeling?

Romance: *gestures for water*

Sensuality: I got you, just a second. *runs out of the room*

Aesthetic: *hands Romance her board and marker* Figured you'd have a lot to say after being out of it for so long. Wanna elaborate on the whole "help Anxiety" message you left? Cause it really didn't help, for the record. What'd you want us to do, tie you and Sexuality up and dump you in the basement for him?

Romance rolls her eyes as Sensuality comes back in and accepts a glass of water with a quick nod of thanks. She downs the whole glass in three giant gulps and sets it down before relaxing back against her pillows a bit. She starts writing.

You're both idiots, for the record. I bet you didn't even try to figure out what I meant, just sat around worrying as usual. It's alright, someone must've figured it out since I'm awake now. We'll all hear the story in detail, I'm sure. Right now, though, I'd much rather discuss Sexuality. Is she okay?

Sensuality: Well......I mean, she's definitely safe now, we made sure of it, right Aesthetic?

Aesthetic: *nods her head with a smile* Don't worry, Romance, we took care of our little sister. She's safe.

Romance: *relaxes a bit more*

Good. At least you did something right. Who's guarding her? Libido, right?

Sensuality: *shocked* Yeah, actually, how'd you know? I thought you'd be upset.

Romance: *smiles* *writes*

They were never meant to be apart. They're different, but they're still birthmates. You know how strong that bond is. They'll figure it out. They just need time. We all do.

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skys813 · 5 years ago

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PSA:

Being ace is okay

BEING ACE IS OKAY

You are loved and valid. You are not broken. You are not weird. You are beautiful and complete. You belong in the queer community and you belong here with me.

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skys813 · 5 years ago

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Discovery

Chapter 4

Anxiety paces up and down the back of the mind. The curtains at the front are currently closed. They're asleep. Anxiety hesitates for just a moment, a flicker of doubt, but it's quickly replaced by set features and he acts. No one will suspect him. It's perfect. And it's necessary.

The next morning.....

Aesthetic and Sensuality stumble into the meeting room, blurry-eyed and sleepy.

Sensuality: Morning, motherfuckers, what's going on here?

Research: *hands them their cups of coffee on their way to their seats* Buckle up, ladies, it's gonna be a long one today.

Aesthetic: *grumbles quietly*

Me: Now that we're all here, Anxiety, would you like to start?

Anxiety: There's not much to say except congrats, I think Sexuality's recovering a lot faster than we first suspected.

Aesthetic: *exchanges a dark look with Sensuality* Oh? How come?

Anxiety: Take a look at last night's dream. I think we'll be calling Joy in to perform any time now, a great celebration for her recovery.

Libido's face drains of color as they all watch the dream. She meets Sensuality's enraged gaze and shakes her head quickly while mouthing "I swear I didn't do it, it wasn't me!" Sensuality frowns deeper, but nods and turns away.

Anxiety: As you can see, she's actually attracted to females. I apologize for freaking out about the idea earlier, I just didn't want us to have to deal with everything that came with it. But, Sexuality has spoken, I think we have to listen.

Me: Here's the question, though, didn't Sexuality already speak? She very clearly objected to sex in any of its forms.

Anxiety: It appeared that way, yes, but I'm afraid there's been a misunderstanding. You see Sexuality was simply reacting to me being a tad, shall we say, tense. Morality had concerns -

Aesthetic: Since when are you and Morality on speaking terms?

Anxiety: We don't have to be for me to hear her complaints and act to rectify the situation. As I was saying, Morality was concerned that should we find out our sexuality we would act on it. I was simply under pressure and trying to anticipate what the verdict would be, but I relaxed when the whole thing became a non-issue. Now that I realize my mistake, I'm taking the steps to ensure Sexuality's real identity is recognized, regardless of Morality's objections. We all have a place here as a community, we cannot place one of our members' needs above the other.

Libido: What about- *swallows heavily and starts again* Why isn't Sexuality here now? If she's recovered as much as you say, why isn't she here telling us herself?

Anxiety: An excellent question! Go look in the mirror.

Libido: *flinches*

Aesthetic: Actually, Anxiety, shouldn't they be allowed near each other now? If Sexuality is a lesbian like you said, shouldn't she be allowed contact with Libido so we can all move forward?

Anxiety: Yes, of course, but we must give her time. I believe that when she's ready, she'll approach Libido and Research on her own terms. We can't rush that.

Me: Well, since Sexuality isn't here at the moment, I'll be conducting the private interviews with the rest of you first until she's ready so we can decide if this theory is the right one. The schedule's on the board, it shouldn't take long. Thank you, everyone, I'll see you soon.

Later.....

Me: Welcome, darling, how are you today?

Sensuality: Just get to the point, Sky, I have a lot on my mind.

Me: Alright, then, you know why you're here. We'll go through the test again with particular emphasis on females this time. Would you like to kiss a female?

Sensuality: Not particularly, no.

Me: Would you like to kiss a male?

Sensuality: Again, not really, no.

Me: Moving on, would you like to touch another woman's boobs or naked body in any way?

Sensuality: It sounds like it'd be soft and warm, which is appealing, but I'd rather we have a fluffy blanket or teddy bear to pet. Or an actual pet.

Me: Alright, and same question but males.

Sensuality: Not really, the muscles look hard and uncomfortable, the non-muscular ones remind you of our dad, and I don't particularly want to touch the downstairs area of anyone if I can help it. No part of it appeals to me.

Me: Gotcha, you're free to go.

Sensuality leaves and Aesthetic walks in.

Me: Welcome, sweetling, how are you today?

Aesthetic: I'm sorry, I'm really not in the mood today Sky, can we just-

Me: Yes, of course, let's get started. Same test as before, really. Would you like to see a female naked?

Aesthetic: I'm not repulsed by it, but there's nothing there I want to see. That hypnotized state people go into when they see someone else's body? I don't go into that. The Self Esteem and Self Love duo get fixated from time to time, but that's not my scene.

Me: What about men?

Aesthetic: To be completely honest with you, it's the same reaction. I don't really see the hype. It's a human person, I'd rather we not see anyone naked period, but if it happens it happens.

Me: Alright, that's all for now.

Aesthetic leaves and Libido walks in.

Me: Isn't Romance supposed to come in next?

Libido: Sensuality told me she was busy with something and Romance will check in with you when she can.

Me: Alright, then let's get started. We haven't talked much since last time, but it's the same, really. Talk to me, what do you like?

Libido: Well last time we talked Research had been...encouraged, by Anxiety to keep me away from media that depicted females in a sexual context but recently I've been allowed full freedom.

Me: And what've you discovered?

Libido: I don't really care if it's guys, girls, or anything in between, sex is sex. Now if we're emotionally connected to the characters it's way better, but I really don't care, I get off either way.

Me: What combinations do you prefer?

Me: Well we've been reading up till now, have you considered watching or listening to anything?

Libido: I think Aesthetic will object to seeing anything and I have to agree, the reality of it gets rather unpleasant quickly. I don't know what effect listening will have, though it might be helpful when reading, but like I keep saying, I'm content with what we do already.

Me: Gotcha, you're free to go.

Libido leaves and I pick up the phone and dial the Memory Vaults.

Me: Hi, I need a few records from you.

Meanwhile.....

Aesthetic: How's she holding up?

Research: Sexuality's regressing, I don't know why this is happening but she's starting to look sick again. Anxiety said to leave her alone for a while so I'll be limiting visitors. Maybe that'll help.

Libido: Don't worry, I'll be by her side the whole time. I'm not leaving until she's walking out of here on her own two feet.

Aesthetic: Are you sure? What about your functions and duties?

Libido: I think I've overdone my job. What matters right now is Sexuality's safety and well-being. Go, do what you have to do. I remember what you told me.

Aesthetic: So be it. On behalf of the Attractions, we'll be leaving Sexuality in Libido's care until further notice. No one else is to visit until Sexuality is ready to come out.

Research: *nods and slaps a bracelet on Libido's wrist* Alright, that's that then. No one's going in or coming out of that room except you, Libido, not even me. Let's hope this works.

Later.....

Aesthetic: ..... And that's pretty much it, Libido's watching over her exclusively until further notice. How's Romance?

Sensuality: *pokes at Romance's still figure on her bed* Still completely unresponsive. She's deteriorating fast, I don't know what to do for her.

Aesthetic: Do you think we should bring Research in?

Sensuality: No. No, we don't know where they'll stand on this; if Anxiety's convinced them that this is the best way to deal with this situation. It wouldn't be the first time that manipulating bastard got Research on his side.

Aesthetic: Research has no side

Sensuality: Exactly why we're not bringing them into this. There's no telling what they'll do, and I'm not risking Romance on the slim chance we'll out maneuver Anxiety and convince Research to side with us. It's too risky.

Aesthetic: Then what do we do? We're losing her.

Sensuality: We do what we always do. Read and remember some stuff and hope it awakens something in her.

Meanwhile.....

Me: Just as I thought. *sigh* Anxiety, come on out. I know you've been watching. I think it's time we had a council meeting.

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skys813 · 5 years ago

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Discovery

Chapter 3

*Anxiety slams the door to Romance's room open*

Anxiety: How. Fucking. Dare you!

Romance: *looks up and raises an eyebrow* *writes*

I dare anything. Nice to see you too, Anxiety. It's been a while since you stormed into my room unannounced. What can I do for you?

Anxiety: Oh, don't play coy with me, you know full well what you did. How dare you make such decisions on your own?

Romance: *sighs* *writes*

Go on. Get it out of your system.

Anxiety: Oh get off your high horse. Do you realize-no. Scratch that, you do know, that's why you didn't announce it, you tried to pass it off like nothing happened. I was looking at our priorities this morning, and you know what I found? One of the top items on the list is missing. Wanna guess which one?

Romance: *looks bored but gestures for Anxiety to go on*

Anxiety: Prince was gone. Now I understand that finding us a romantic soulmate was a slowly descending priority as we grew older and more mature, that's understandable. However, we were all agreed that it would always remain as part of the top 10, if not the top 5. What the hell did you do? Better yet, what were you thinking?

Romance: *picks up marker*

Anxiety: No, shut up, you weren't thinking. You weren't thinking about anyone but yourself. You are nothing, you're just a pathetic excuse for an attraction, do you understand? You don't get to make decisions, you're not even on the council. So unless you want a trial, get your act together and put. Him. Back. You have until the end of the day. *turns to leave*

Romance: *waves hand and the door slams shut and locks* *writes*

What's my name?

Anxiety: Open the fucking door.

Romance: *writes*

What is my full name? Say it.

Anxiety: *turns around slowly to read* Romantic Attraction. Your point is?

Romance: *writes*

I have kept my orientation to myself for 18 years. Never once did I raise an objection, not even when out of desperation we clung to a figment of our imagination-

Anxiety: At least we can agree on that.

Romance: *writes*

And then proceeded to pretend that dreaming about a guy she's never met 3 times somehow made him real and our soulmate and that when she found him, Sexuality would magically be "fixed", and we'd fall in love with him and live happily ever after. I even played the daydreams myself to comfort everyone when you made her spiral off about living and dying alone. But things have changed recently. You can't deny that.

Anxiety: Are you talking about Sexuality right now?

Romance: *writes*

Yes. Her coming out as ace changes everything.

Anxiety: *laughs cruelly* It changes nothing.

Romance: *takes a deep, calming breath* *writes*

What exactly were you planning to do if we ever entered a romantic relationship? Sex would've been expected after a certain point. And you out of all of us know just how bad an actress we make. The disgust and fear would've given her away instantly and we would've all been traumatized.

Anxiety: We have the basement level for a reason.

Romance: *slams her fist on the wall*

Anxiety: *continues coldly* If necessary, Sexuality would've been bound and gagged there until she learned to accept it. Libido would've been more than happy to take her place.

Romance: *writes*

First of all, you can do all of that over my dead body. No one's laying a finger on her. Ever. Second of all, you would've forced us into a relationship we have no need or desire for where we would've had to act in ways that would've ultimately destroyed us. THAT is selfish. I acted in our collective best interest.

Anxiety: Is that what you told yourself? Let me guess, you also believed Love when she said that this thing with her best friend is going to last forever?

Romance: *stiffens* *writes*

So what if I do?

Anxiety: Love is, quite literally, blind!

Romance: *gestures "so?"*

Anxiety: It means she can't reliably make decisions for us. She may be on the council, but I lead for a reason. And you? You have no voice. Maybe think on what that means. *turns and wrenches the door open* Oh, and I've changed my mind. You have until the end of the hour to put Prince back on the list. Afterwards, you're to remain in your room until you learn your place.

Romance collapses to her hands and knees as soon as the door shuts behind Anxiety and finally allows the illusion to fade. She's soaked in sweat, sickly pale, on the verge of throwing up. She stares at her hands in horror. The feeling had started the instant she'd locked the door. Was this her true punishment?

Meanwhile.....

Sensuality: So?

Aesthetic: How is she?

Research: I'm happy to say that Sexuality looks to be recovering at last, she hasn't had an episode in days. It's best to let her rest until she's ready to rejoin us. In the meantime, it would be best for her, and all of us, really, if we lay off the sexual content for a while and had more wholesome intakes of media until she's fully recovered.

Libido: *grimaces apologetically from her seat* Yeah, I understand.

Research: Alright, if that's everything, I'll leave you to it.

Sensuality: Thanks, Research. *goes over to Libido* Hey. You okay?

Libido: *scoffs* I'm not the one you should be concerned about.

Sensuality: Well Aesthetic has the whole fussing over Sexuality thing covered at the moment, so I'm all ears.

Libido: Shouldn't you be the one fussing over Sexuality?

Sensuality: Not really, Aesthetic was always closer to her since Aesthetic's all about looking. Sexuality just felt more comfortable around her than me.

Libido: Right.

Sensuality: That's it! *pulls up a chair* You're miserable and everyone knows I'm a sucker for a good tragic backstory. So, get on with it, what's going on in that head of yours?

Libido: It's not that simple.

Sensuality: Yes it is, now shut up and start talking.

Libido: *sighs* Can't you just leave me in peace? I'm trying to have an existential crisis if you couldn't tell

Sensuality: Oh but darling, haven't you heard? Misery loves company! Now, are you going to start talking any time soon or do I have to get some caffeine involved and stay up with you all night until you crack?

Libido: You wouldn't!

Sensuality: Want to test that theory?

Libido: Not really.

Sensuality: *in a sing-song voice* Then start talking!

Libido: I just...I feel like it's all my fault. I did this to Sexuality for years. I hurt her so much. I helped create the daydreams about our possible future that haunted her. I helped solidify the dreams that denied both Romance and Sexuality their identities. I hurt two of your sisters so terribly, I hurt my birthmate. I just- *chokes up*

Sensuality: Oh darling, come here. *pulls Libido into her arms* It's alright, you know. We're an oblivious bunch, something like this was bound to happen, it's really not your fault.

Libido: *breath hitches*

Sensuality: Romance is a big girl, we all are, we've been doing this far longer than you and Sexuality have and we knew what we were getting into long before you were born. We should've known better and we didn't. We all had a hand in this, it's not all on you, little one.

Libido: But I-

Sensuality: *screams and clutches her head*

Libido: *clutches her shoulders* What's wrong? What happened? Are you alright?!

Sensuality: I'm-I'm alright. *turns wild eyes to meet Aesthetic's who's lowering her hands from clutching her own head* Why don't you watch over Sexuality for a moment? Aesthetic and I have somewhere to be right now.

Libido: What? Where are you going?

Aesthetic: *grabs Sensuality's arm as she crosses the room* Just watch over Sexuality. *stops as they reach the door* If anyone or.... Anything happens, anything at all, I want you to raise the alarms like hell, understand? Anything except me and Sensuality tries to get in this room before we're back and you summon Rage in here to destroy it, even if it's an aspect of the core personality. Got it?

Libido: *nods firmly*

Aesthetic and Sensuality race across the mind from the hospital wing to Romance's room and kick down the door to find her collapsed by her desk. She'd managed to knock down her board and write something before she passed out.

Help Anxiety

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skys813 · 5 years ago

Text

Discovery

Chapter 2

Romance: *writes*

How do you feel about Sexuality being ace? I know you enjoyed reading sexual things, but we might never have actual sex. Are you okay with that?

Libido: Yeah, I told you guys already that I liked what I was doing but I don't really care if we never do more than that. That was always up to Sexuality, I don't really care. Research might be a little annoyed that we'll never know what this really common experience is like, but they'll get over it. How are you holding up though? I know you're obsessed with finding a soulmate for us to build a family with. Doesn't this bother you?

Romance: *writes*

Used to be. I used to be obsessed with finding us a soulmate. I just didn't want us to live out our life alone. But haven't you noticed I'm not like that anymore? There's a reason for that.

Libido: *gasps* F***ing hell, girl, you found him and you didn't tell the rest of us? What the actual-

Romance: *slaps hands over Libido's mouth* *squeezes once and raises an eyebrow*

Libido: *rolls eyes and nods reluctantly*

Romance: *writes*

No need to call everyone over here, it's not what you think. I gave up on finding that soulmate.

Libido: What-

Romance: *puts hands on hips and looks stern*

Libido: *coughs* Go ahead.

Romance: *writes*

As I was saying, I gave up on what we'd been looking for. Not because he doesn't exist, I'm sure there's plenty of lovely young men out there we can collectively lose our minds over. But didn't you hear what Research found on that AVEN website? It was a vocab word, it summed up everything we've been feeling. We are satisfied. I haven't played daydreams of a generic Prince Charming to soothe us in ages. Because we've already found everything we need. Let's recap her favorite relationship tropes:

Found families

Enemies to lovers

Friends to lovers

Soulmates

Don't let Anxiety see this list or he'll freak out about it not being a perfect 5. Anyways, do you see the pattern?

Libido: Umm..... They're all roma-no, the found family isn't romantic. Okay, I'm stumped, what's your point?

Romance: *sighs and writes*

My point is that they're all long-term, lifelong, forever kind of relationships. The only reason we always thought the soulmate would have to be romantic is because in every single story, no matter how strong the platonic bond was, everyone was lonely until they got romantic partners. But the truth is, we haven't felt that desperate loneliness in a long time. We're satisfied with this friendship and we're secure in the knowledge that this one will last forever, that we'll make it work because she's worth it.

Libido: I get that, but... don't you want a romantic partner? I mean, you said it yourself, most of the relationships we admire are romantic. I've heard stories, you used to wake up instantly if you thought we'd spotted someone we could potentially start a relationship with. Isn't that what you want?

Romance: *writes*

That was a long time ago, back before even you and Sexuality were born. I wanted what was best for us as a whole, even if no one could reach my expectations. I wanted us to have a good life partner if it was decided by all of you that that's what we needed to be happy. In that scenario, regardless of my own lack of desire for such a relationship, I was going to find someone to satisfy all of you. That was before I realized that Sexuality was...well, she wasn't what I'd expected. She was like me. But I couldn't find a way to communicate that to the rest of you. Especially not when they thought you being loudly supportive of exploring males sexually meant me and Sexuality were on board. They assumed that being capable of being turned on meant we could have sex with and fall in love romantically with men and that that proves we're "normal". It just took them a while to realize that we're three separate entities.

Libido: I'm sorry, I didn't even notice it had been such a problem for you two. I...well I thought the two of you were like me but quieter, I thought that maybe Sexuality didn't like me but you did. That we're on the same side, so to speak. But I was just forcing this on you. I'm so sorry.

Romance: *smiles sweetly and hugs Libido* *writes*

Don't worry about it, darling. You understand now, that's what matters. But yes, in the future, I don't plan to look for a romantic partner now that we're all agreed we don't want or need one. I think we'll be alright.

Libido: *sniffs and smiles through watery eyes* Yeah, I think so too.

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skys813 · 5 years ago

Text

Discovery

Chapter 1

Libido and Sexuality: *are born*

Libido: Oh this is nice, I like this.

Libido: Hey Research, find me more stuff. We should learn more, you know, for educational purposes.

Research: At least the newbie appreciates me.

Meanwhile........

Romance: *lying bored with an arm over her eyes, looks up as Sexuality comes into existence*

Sexuality: *starts throwing up*

Romance: *alarmed panic* *rushes to try to help her*

Me: I'm sure every other person goes through this, it's fine, she'll be fine. It's just Innocence dying, everyone loses their innocence at some point.

Libido: *increases the "research"*

Sexuality: *continues to throw up violently*

Me: I'm just losing my innocence, she'll stop reacting like that in no time.

Months go by.....

Me: Okay, maybe it's not time, maybe it's a specific person I'm waiting for. That's it! She'll be fine once I find the right person.

Years go by.....

Me: Maybe I'm looking in the wrong place. Okay, so we're not straight is what I'm getting from you, right?

Sexuality: *nods weakly*

Me: Okay, how about lesbian? Research, do your thing.

Sexuality: *starts throwing up again*

Romance: *sighs tiredly and holds her hair back*

Me: Okay, okay, how about bisexual?

Sexuality: *heaving intensifies*

Romance: *glares* *writes furiously on board*

Are you an idiot? She just told you she didn't like the idea of having sex with guys or girls so you ask if she wants both? Yeah, that'll make it better, just add everyone to the pile and she's bound to like it!

Me: What do you want from me? Maybe she's supposed to be that way, I can't fix her. I've tried everything, every sexuality we've ever heard of, and she's never satisfied! Besides, aren't you and Libido supposed to go hand in hand with Sexuality?

Romance: *looks away and comforts Sexuality silently*

Me: We keep Libido in the back and away from Sexuality for years and you won't even tell me why.

Romance: *continues to ignore me and soothe Sexuality*

Me: Great. For once I need the voices in my head to speak to me and instead, you're silent. Fantastic. *sigh* I just wish I could help.

One day.....

Me: *watching YouTube absently*

Research: Ooh, click on that one. I don't have a definition for, what's that say? Asexual? Yeah, I know we've heard of it before but I don't remember what it means, click on it.

Me: Alright, you're the boss. But if I see a food video, we're switching to it.

Research: Yeah, yeah, just do it.

Research: *listens absently* Yeah, makes sense. Wait, what? Hold on, everyone, get in here! Now!

Libido: Ooh, what'd you find? Anything for me?

Research: Sort of, just get everyone in here, I think this is important. Alright, everyone present?

Libido: And accounted for, now get to the interesting bits!

Research: Right, so listen to this *plays video again* Sounds familiar, right?

Research: *pulls up more videos of people describing their experiences as asexuals* *goes to AVEN and reads the definitions and stories* So, Sexuality, how does being ace sound?

Sexuality: *stops throwing up and slowly starts to breathe a little easier*

Romance: *holds her and strokes her hair until she falls asleep*

Me: Oh my God. I think that's the first time she stopped throwing up in 5 years. I mean she had her moments whenever Libido was absent for a little while, but this... She's actually relaxed enough to sleep! Wow. And, Romance? How are you holding up?

Romance: *looks up and smiles wearily*

Me: *stunned silence* Oh. Umm. I mean I'm glad she's alright now. You must be tired too. Go to sleep, I'll stay up with Research to find out some more for you.

Romance: *picks up Sexuality and goes to the back of the mind to sleep*

Me: Well then....

Research: Yup. We finally found her label. Here's the thing though, according to this, Romance's label might not be the same. And this is a whole culture, we have a lot to learn.

Me: *rolls up sleeves and makes hot cocoa* I guess we'd better get started, then.

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