slapplebees

[slapplebees]

,, outro

hi it's me i'm trying to serve creative writing project with this instead of academic text but also i feel like it's important to situate this in universe or something---so!!

this is a theoretical creation myth for installment and it could reasonably be written by Jerry (though when i tried to write in his voice i tweaked out) or really, any of the other gods.

we used to say the gods were omniscient but we kind of retconned that when we made them into just a couplea guys outside of being freak primordial beings but i'm bringing the bitch back---this text is written with the knowledge and understanding that the gods would have of the universe through their omniscience—literally, "all-knowledge." they have access to all the knowledge in the universe and they are aware of its inner workings because they were the void's hands (also they, literally made the universe, so they should know how it works).

the concepts of Need, Love, and Identity—and thus, the true nature of concepts like Soul, Space, Form, Light, Denizen, Life, Order, Chaos, Death, etc.—and "materials" like Stardust and Void are unknown to the divinities and humans, but known to the gods. the gods also know things like the knowledge that will eventually be made (how Satan knows his actions will eventually earn him the title of "god of space;" how Dan knows about languages like Latin and Hebrew). though it's not like they know the future and act according to its script, it's more like Satan did whatever he did to retrieve the Stardust, and as he was doing it he foresaw what the living (who didn't even exist yet) would say about it.

they know everything the void knows, which is also why no one knows the reason why or how the Creator/Jerry made a mistake, because he did that of his own volition instead of following the void's will.

also, it's worth noting that the gods were not speaking English at the start of the universe---like as stupid and obvious as that sounds that just means when they were talking about names and shit they weren't saying ah yeah this guy's called Love as in the word defined in the APA Dictionary of Psychology (2023) as "a complex emotion involving strong feelings of affection and tenderness for the love object, etc"—naw it sounded more like his name is ████, which means ██████████████ ██████ ████████████ ████ but if we were to translate Dan's first name into English, it's closest equivalent is "Love"—can you tell i love that block character it's really fun—same goes for the other Big Names of Concepts used here like Need, Identity, and the rest.

now Jerry could write about this knowledge and make it accessible to the divinities, but let's assume he hasn't. there's no divinity out there who's touched the void the way Jerry has and has grown to understand that Love is that thing affecting the kitsunes, or that Identity is that thing that made Jasmine's body transform back into her old look, or that Death got her name from an egg...

except for people like Sloane and Jack, who've died and touched the afterlife and can break the fourth wall. people who've gotten closer than anyone has to The Void That Knows Everything And Could Tell You Everything About The Universe, except their minds were too small to hold all the knowledge so all they got was the ability to see into... something (a camera) and know vaguely that something else (us) is looking back---

anyway that brings us to the next portion of this text called The Implications, but that's still a work in progress i'll start formalizing it after you've read this @schmoft <3

theory of the universe: aka. this makes sense in my head and i am explaining it as best as i can also i got artsy towards the end

,, where does stardust come from?

^^ the void is alive, but it was not always a void. what we call "the void" was once an impossibly large creature. the creature was so hungry that it would eat itself from the inside. it began by carving itself a space in its center, a space that would become its stomach. little by little, the creature would scrape at the walls of its stomach until all that was left was an impossibly large space (the void) half-filled with an impossibly vast ocean of dust (stardust). before the beginning, the creature stopped its scraping, lest it erode itself and perforate its "skin." it is said that the creature, with its insides almost entirely scraped away, does not feel sated by dust and is still hungry.

this is a myth. all anyone really knows is that there is a void and that it is filled with stardust.

"the gods spawned because of necessity

^^ okay, so the void is alive and the thing that makes it alive is the fact that it can feel/it has feelings. the very first thing the void felt was something the myths called hunger.

outside of myth, this is called Need/Necessity, which is a concept like Love and whatever the fuck else we come up with and it is defined as the feeling that drives the actions of a living creature—it is also called motivation, desire, and of course, hunger.

the only thing the void could use to sate its hunger was stardust, which could be described as an inky black material that cannot be seen because it is so dark and cannot be felt because it is formless. to borrow from the void myth, stardust is the same material that makes up the void's "walls." anything made of the void and made of stardust are made of the same thing, just in different forms.

the living void, driven by its Need, spawned hands to shape stardust into the things that would become the universe because it had to fulfill its Need to no longer be empty. these hands were called gods, and they were the only things that could even touch stardust since they were virtually also made of it.

the gods, though they were extensions of the void, were not "alive" like the void because they did not feel Need nor anything at all. naturally, they did not spawn with any sense of "identity" outside of their role in the natural steps of progression.

"the universe has natural steps of progression

^^ the "natural steps of progression" is a hard and fast rule: one thing has to come into existence before the next thing because it makes sense that way. every step is supported by the previous step/s and will support the following step/s.

each of the gods was assigned a natural step to carry out, and was thus named after this step—the natural steps are as follows:

the first god, called the Light-Bringer, spawns to shape stardust into "light" and "form," rendering the stardust and the space around it from dark and shapeless to bleedingly bright and tangible.

when the Light-Bringer's work is done, it recedes, having no reason to exist after fulfilling its purpose.

then, the second god, called the Creator, spawns to shape more stardust into "denizens" that will see light and inhabit forms.

when the Creator's work is done, it recedes, having no reason to exist after fulfilling its purpose.

and then, the third god---

"the last necessity is death

^^ the void is alive because it can feel. the very first thing the void feels is called Need, and when it felt this, the void panicked.

the void was filled with stardust but it was not satisfied by it, so it formed its skin into one massive hand and then another to shape the stardust into something, fucking anything that would sate its Need, its Hunger, and then it felt itself growing full again—the emptiness, the hunger, the Need which defined the void ebbed away and the void felt itself slowly becoming something that was no longer a "void."

the void was alive because it could feel, and its first feeling was Need, and the void did not know if there would ever be another feeling to come after it.

perhaps, it was more apt to say that the void is alive because it Needs—because it craves and wants and is hungry and empty and would surely die once its Need is satisfied.

---and then, the third god, called the Destroyer, spawns to crush the universe back into stardust and render the void empty and hungry and Needing once again, thus ensuring it will never die.

when the Destroyer's work is done, it recedes, having no reason to exist after fulfilling its purpose.

and because the void Needs again, it re-spawns the Light-Bringer.

,, hi me from the future here <3

^^ i'm coming to the realization that there is some scientific,, like conservation of mass and energy fuckery going on here with the stardust

because the void is filled with it... but why is the void "empty" with only stardust but suddenly "full" when that same stardust is converted into form, light, and denizens?? why are form, light, and denizens heavier than stardust when all the gods are doing is "shaping" them, without adding or subtracting any material?

i was going to posit a few explanations here but when i wrote the first one out it made so much sense i forgot the other two explanations so here goes 💀

^^ the void is fucking stupid: the void would fall for "what is heavier, 100kg of steel or 100kg of feathers?" except it's mega stupid because it will answer "the feathers are heavier because it looks like there's more of it"

or the void is smart and it says "the feathers are heavier because you have to carry the weight of what you did to those birds"

we could say that form, light, and denizens (Things) are heavier than stardust because they have meaning and "weight" kind of like how a painting can be more expensive than the cost of its materials (art studies moment)

in-canon, we can posit that the act of shaping stardust into Things imbues those Things with a property that makes it heavier and more important, aka. a more filling meal for the void

this property is not a physical material like stardust—it's about as heavy as meaning and guilt, which is to say it weighs 0kg and yet it is still heavy, it still carries weight

the gods are not adding anything new—Things aren't stardust + water, they're just "stardust" turned into "stardust (with vibes)"

anyway !!!

"Jerry makes this egg that's made from whatever stardust it is they come from instead of the stuff Satan made

i'm going to break here (again) (hi it's me from the future i thought it made sense to have both immersion breaks in the same portion) to say this sentence inspired this whole thing because i thought why tf is Jerry touching The Stuff Gods Come From to create an egg that Dan will hatch in- why does he make things out of what Satan makes..... like buddy keep your fucking hands to yourself and stay in your lane also why are there two lanes????? then i spiralled about hands and restrictions and what are the gods REALLY made of why are they special and i was spit out of the spiral kiddie slide with a manuscript in my hand ANYWAY !!!

^^ the void did this routine for a while:

first, the Light-Bringer would spawn to remake light and form then recede; then the Creator would spawn to remake denizens then recede; then sometime later when the universe nearly filled the void, the Destroyer would spawn to crush it all to dust then recede; then the Light-Bringer would spawn and then, and then, and then...

and then something different happened: the hand called "Creator" cramped, or slipped or just,, broke because how else do you describe the thing that interrupted the natural steps?

the hand called "Creator" spawned and reached for stardust and instead grabbed form and light, and the Creator twisted them into what it would have liked to call "denizens" but they just looked like strange worms.

according to the natural steps of progression of the entire fucking universe, one batch of stardust belongs to the Light-Bringer. another batch of stardust belongs to the Creator. THE BATCHES DO NOT MIX until the Destroyer spawns to swing indiscriminately at form and light and denizen so they return to dust.

the Creator fucked up the whole routine and had no way to fix it. the Light-Bringer was long gone, receeded into the depths of the void having finished its work, and the Destroyer was not meant to arrive for several million millennia, and without the proper conditions—form and light were now stretched into useless squirming worms—to create denizens, it could not complete—much less begin—its work, therefore it could not recede.

when it was finally time for the Destroyer to emerge, the Creator had not yet receded.

the Destroyer was meant to crush everything in a single wild SWING to return the void to its natural empty state and preserve it, but to do so at that moment would mean annihilating the Creator, which it could not do.

and so came another interruption to the natural steps of progression, the Destroyer hesitated---

,, the gods do not spawn with any sense of identity outside of their role in the natural steps of progression

^^ Identity is a concept like Need and Love and whatever else we come up with, and it is defined as the reason something exists or persists—it is similar to a name, a purpose, a role, a task, etc.

this was referenced earlier: "stardust (with vibes):" Identity = vibes

all things have Identity. form exists to take up space; light exists to render space visible (to light up space); denizens exist to inhabit and to see; the void exists to be hungry (and bring light, create, and destroy in order to stay hungry).

the gods exist through their role in the natural steps, a role which defines them—names them Light-Bringer, Creator, and Destroyer—and gives them purpose—to bring light, to create, and to destroy.

losing purpose—perhaps, idk, due to a clumsy hand's cosmic mistake interrupting the natural steps—should kill a god outright. how is a god meant to be defined by something outside the natural steps? how is a god supposed to gain a new purpose?

no one knows why or how the Creator made a mistake, all anyone really knows is that the Creator should have died but didn't.

the Creator's survival meant that it had shed its original Identity and developed a new one which sustained it; no longer was it defined by the natural steps but instead it grew to be defined by his mistake.

his name ceased to be "Creator," and so it became ████,

his name doesn't emerge until later.

though, it is well known that he was eventually called Jehovah, which translates to He Brings Into Existence All That Exists—as in, He Creates or He is the Creator.

other translations (Hebrew) ▪︎ I Am - as in, he exists/he is who he is ▪︎ Being - (verb) again, another reference to him existing ... in reference to the Creator/████/Jehovah/Jerry's time spent simply existing seemingly without an Identity in the void. other translations (Midian/Midianite) ▪︎ The Impassioned One - as in, the jealous one, the god who envied other idols His followers worshipped ▪︎ Love ...

---anyway, the Destroyer hesitated.

as failed worms writhed all around them, suspended in the formless and lightless void, ████ met the Destroyer and two gods co-existed for the first time in the existence of everything, and the Destroyer saw what ████ had done.

████ was a hand after all—he shaped all of his stardust into a single lump, and when it refused to hold its shape, he held it together by himself for millennia until the Destroyer arrived.

this, the Destroyer did not witness; instead, she saw the result of ████'s work.

,, what was ████ exactly?

^^ his mistake spanned millennia—from the moment he lay waste to the work of the Light-Bringer with his touch, to the moment he stalled the Destroyer's fist with his presence.

for those millennia, perhaps as a form of penance, he held stardust together—in a mockery of the act of shaping stardust into form, light, and those denizens the Creator used to be able to make, ████ shaped and imbued a batch of stardust with... something.

not Identity, not quite. this hasn't really been done before. nothing has ever tried to make something without knowing what the end result would be, or what it would lead to, or what natural step it was meant to support.

████ just existed, and held something, and for the first time in all of existence, something was unknown. something born from a touch, then a touch that lasted millennia; something born from time and careful attention; something that gave pause to Death and something that led to interaction—the first meeting of two gods, the first meeting of anything really; something that, while it was being formed, changed nothing—the void neither protested that it was not being fed nor that it was growing too full for the millennia ████ was frozen in place; something that absorbed everything poured into it. something that was touch and connection and attention and time and nurture and interaction and co-existence and intent and accident, it was unpredictable and unknowable and heavy in ████'s hand.

it defined him.

and for a time, it was him.

"anyway it's the fact love couldn't just pop out of the stardust like Satan and Jerry because love is meant to be actively molded and nurtured

^^ no one knows when the lump of stardust ████ clutched in his hand changed; all anyone really knows is that something emerged in its place at some point between ████'s mistake and the Destroyer's re-emergence.

all anyone really knows is that when ████ loosened his grip on it, that something could see him and looked at him like he was its world.

and he was, because he had given it everything he had for several million millennia, and still, ████ didn't need to think twice about giving the thing his name too.

the void is alive, and the thing that makes it alive is the fact that it can feel. the very first thing the void feels is called Need.

the next thing the void feels is called Love.

"the magical properties of love that we love using and also avoid talking about was the next natural step in the creation of a universe

^^ Love is a concept like Need and Identity, and it was born of many things, but it can be loosely defined as the force that drives two beings to connect.

there was also the fourth god, called Love, who spawned in the hand that was once known as the "Creator," then "Love," then nothing at all.

at the nameless hand's fond insistence, Love could not be anything else but a god. he was not the nameless hand's creation because a denizen could not exist without form or light, and he was not (just) a concept because he had a physical form like the gods, and concepts like Need and Identity did not. Love, like the gods, emerged from the void, and so it followed that he must have had a role in the natural steps of progression.

except that Love spawned and had no discernible role; no one knew when he emerged, just that he did and hadn't done anything of note since; his name wasn't even indicative of a role—he was Love and not Lover.

at this, Love reminded the nameless hand that he didn't even have a name, and that maybe none of them had a role in the natural steps since the "Creator" fucked that up an eternity ago; the "Destroyer" had done something other than killing him and all the writhing worms around them, so she's stepped out of her role too; then Love looked to the "Light-Bringer" and pointed out how it had no stardust to begin the natural steps, so he had no role either.

and so came the third interruption to the natural steps, its final nail in the coffin, the Light-Bringer spawned without any of the stardust he needed to begin his work.

,, ???

^^ for the first time in the existence of everything, four gods (co-)existed and so did several billion worthless little worms, and none of them knew where the stardust was because the "Creator" failed to keep track of it after he emerged last time. and without the natural steps, this truly would be the last time any of them ever emerged out of the void.

unless somebody did something about it.

the Light-Bringer, who Love nicknamed Lucifer—it's your name in Latin! ... i mean, of course, Latin doesn't exist yet ... well it's a language, language doesn't exist yet either but we could make it exist if we wanted ... no actually it's a little different to a "concept," actually, so maybe it's an entirely new thing?—is known as the "god of space," because he set out to find the stardust after it went missing when it was displaced by Love.

according to the void myth, Lucifer was the god who carved the hole that would become the stomach of the impossibly large and hungry creature that became the void. he was the one who continued scraping at the creature's insides until there was an impossibly large space in its center.

the myth was not far from the truth. in the era wherein Love emerged, Lucifer was the god who provided the stardust that would eventually be used to shape the currently known universe. none of the other gods knew where he got it, only that he disappeared and then suddenly returned, trailing stardust in his wake.

perhaps, sated by the emergence of Love thanks to the Creator, who Love encouraged to keep a version of his old name and call himself Jehovah—it's not like names mean anything anymore, so why not call yourself Creator again? ... good point, good point, how about "He Creates?" then you can keep the He ... and it sounds like a description rather than ... yeah, plus it leaves things open to let you do other things like ... that sounds fun! can i help?—the void shrunk itself and stored away Jehovah's stardust, reabsorbed it into the lining of its stomach, shrinking itself, as if anticipating it would be happy with smaller meals, a smaller universe to feed it, because Love was somehow so filling on his own.

perhaps Lucifer scraped away at the void to retrieve the stardust, because didn't the void remember? it needed to stay yawning and large and hungry and Needy to be alive. or was Love suddenly a strong enough feeling to indicate that it was alive?

perhaps, Jehovah's grip faltered—it wouldn't exactly be outside the realm of possibility considering his affinity for mistakes—and the lump of stardust simply fell from his hand in a single piece, and the Destroyer, who was less enthused about Love's insistence on names, but still said she wanted one like Destroyer or Love—really? like what? ... oh very nice "Reaper" does have some zing, but i feel like it's missing something, maybe something like the Serious Reaper... Gruesome... Joyless... Horrible ... oh no, i don't think you're any of those things! just, you may seem like that to the worms—look they're wriggling a little faster away from you and i will too if you don't stop looking at me like that ... hah, ahm, well you could try going the "Love" route and not advertise what you do and instead give them a concept to free associate with you ... well the concept isn't real yet, we'll have to make something up!—had somehow missed it and didn't crush it when she should have along with the damned worms.

perhaps Lucifer took over the role of the Destroyer for a moment and crushed the piece back into stardust that he could shape into his dearly familiar form and light and jumpstart the beginning of the universe.

perhaps Lucifer never did manage to find Jehovah's stardust because it really had become Love's body, in which case, Lucifer must have threatened the integrity of the void to retrieve the stardust by acting according to the myth's expectation of him and scraping at the insides of the void creature until its skin was perilously thin, if only so he could have have the material he needed to return things to their natural order.

how ever he managed to retrieve the stardust, when Lucifer returned to Jehovah and the Reaper, they were different. the worms were rounded up in one spot, but they were still worms and not dust.

Lucifer, would you like to help build a circus?

this was all his fault.

that everyone had changed, that they had names that meant a little less, that they had all this free time, that they were all here together, that they looked like Love and had heads—one each, sometimes more—and teeth—to smile with—and hands—two each, sometimes more—and eyes—to see nothing but each other with because there wasn't any light.

that they were alive and that they could Need, because nothing else could explain the crawling sick the Light-Bringer—Lucifer felt when he saw them and the desperate Need he felt to see the natural steps of progression return Order the void.

Lucifer agreed to help build that circus. it's not like they could start without him. and as he looked across the grounds with his eyes that were just growing in, he saw Jehovah and Love—or maybe, last he heard, it was Jerry and Dan now—standing together with their legs, smiling brightly at each other with their teeth.

and when he saw them, he named them Chaos.

[slapplebees]

theory of the universe: aka. this makes sense in my head and i am explaining it as best as i can also i got artsy towards the end

,, where does stardust come from?

^^ the void is alive, but it was not always a void. what we call "the void" was once an impossibly large creature. the creature was so hungry that it would eat itself from the inside. it began by carving itself a space in its center, a space that would become its stomach. little by little, the creature would scrape at the walls of its stomach until all that was left was an impossibly large space (the void) half-filled with an impossibly vast ocean of dust (stardust). before the beginning, the creature stopped its scraping, lest it erode itself and perforate its "skin." it is said that the creature, with its insides almost entirely scraped away, does not feel sated by dust and is still hungry.

this is a myth. all anyone really knows is that there is a void and that it is filled with stardust.

"the gods spawned because of necessity

^^ okay, so the void is alive and the thing that makes it alive is the fact that it can feel/it has feelings. the very first thing the void felt was something the myths called hunger.

outside of myth, this is called Need/Necessity, which is a concept like Love and whatever the fuck else we come up with and it is defined as the feeling that drives the actions of a living creature—it is also called motivation, desire, and of course, hunger.

the only thing the void could use to sate its hunger was stardust, which could be described as an inky black material that cannot be seen because it is so dark and cannot be felt because it is formless. to borrow from the void myth, stardust is the same material that makes up the void's "walls." anything made of the void and made of stardust are made of the same thing, just in different forms.

the living void, driven by its Need, spawned hands to shape stardust into the things that would become the universe because it had to fulfill its Need to no longer be empty. these hands were called gods, and they were the only things that could even touch stardust since they were virtually also made of it.

the gods, though they were extensions of the void, were not "alive" like the void because they did not feel Need nor anything at all. naturally, they did not spawn with any sense of "identity" outside of their role in the natural steps of progression.

"the universe has natural steps of progression

^^ the "natural steps of progression" is a hard and fast rule: one thing has to come into existence before the next thing because it makes sense that way. every step is supported by the previous step/s and will support the following step/s.

each of the gods was assigned a natural step to carry out, and was thus named after this step—the natural steps are as follows:

the first god, called the Light-Bringer, spawns to shape stardust into "light" and "form," rendering the stardust and the space around it from dark and shapeless to bleedingly bright and tangible.

when the Light-Bringer's work is done, it recedes, having no reason to exist after fulfilling its purpose.

then, the second god, called the Creator, spawns to shape more stardust into "denizens" that will see light and inhabit forms.

when the Creator's work is done, it recedes, having no reason to exist after fulfilling its purpose.

and then, the third god---

"the last necessity is death

^^ the void is alive because it can feel. the very first thing the void feels is called Need, and when it felt this, the void panicked.

the void was filled with stardust but it was not satisfied by it, so it formed its skin into one massive hand and then another to shape the stardust into something, fucking anything that would sate its Need, its Hunger, and then it felt itself growing full again—the emptiness, the hunger, the Need which defined the void ebbed away and the void felt itself slowly becoming something that was no longer a "void."

the void was alive because it could feel, and its first feeling was Need, and the void did not know if there would ever be another feeling to come after it.

perhaps, it was more apt to say that the void is alive because it Needs—because it craves and wants and is hungry and empty and would surely die once its Need is satisfied.

---and then, the third god, called the Destroyer, spawns to crush the universe back into stardust and render the void empty and hungry and Needing once again, thus ensuring it will never die.

when the Destroyer's work is done, it recedes, having no reason to exist after fulfilling its purpose.

and because the void Needs again, it re-spawns the Light-Bringer.

,, hi me from the future here <3

^^ i'm coming to the realization that there is some scientific,, like conservation of mass and energy fuckery going on here with the stardust

because the void is filled with it... but why is the void "empty" with only stardust but suddenly "full" when that same stardust is converted into form, light, and denizens?? why are form, light, and denizens heavier than stardust when all the gods are doing is "shaping" them, without adding or subtracting any material?

i was going to posit a few explanations here but when i wrote the first one out it made so much sense i forgot the other two explanations so here goes 💀

^^ the void is fucking stupid: the void would fall for "what is heavier, 100kg of steel or 100kg of feathers?" except it's mega stupid because it will answer "the feathers are heavier because it looks like there's more of it"

or the void is smart and it says "the feathers are heavier because you have to carry the weight of what you did to those birds"

we could say that form, light, and denizens (Things) are heavier than stardust because they have meaning and "weight" kind of like how a painting can be more expensive than the cost of its materials (art studies moment)

in-canon, we can posit that the act of shaping stardust into Things imbues those Things with a property that makes it heavier and more important, aka. a more filling meal for the void

this property is not a physical material like stardust—it's about as heavy as meaning and guilt, which is to say it weighs 0kg and yet it is still heavy, it still carries weight

the gods are not adding anything new—Things aren't stardust + water, they're just "stardust" turned into "stardust (with vibes)"

anyway !!!

"Jerry makes this egg that's made from whatever stardust it is they come from instead of the stuff Satan made

i'm going to break here (again) (hi it's me from the future i thought it made sense to have both immersion breaks in the same portion) to say this sentence inspired this whole thing because i thought why tf is Jerry touching The Stuff Gods Come From to create an egg that Dan will hatch in- why does he make things out of what Satan makes..... like buddy keep your fucking hands to yourself and stay in your lane also why are there two lanes????? then i spiralled about hands and restrictions and what are the gods REALLY made of why are they special and i was spit out of the spiral kiddie slide with a manuscript in my hand ANYWAY !!!

^^ the void did this routine for a while:

first, the Light-Bringer would spawn to remake light and form then recede; then the Creator would spawn to remake denizens then recede; then sometime later when the universe nearly filled the void, the Destroyer would spawn to crush it all to dust then recede; then the Light-Bringer would spawn and then, and then, and then...

and then something different happened: the hand called "Creator" cramped, or slipped or just,, broke because how else do you describe the thing that interrupted the natural steps?

the hand called "Creator" spawned and reached for stardust and instead grabbed form and light, and the Creator twisted them into what it would have liked to call "denizens" but they just looked like strange worms.

according to the natural steps of progression of the entire fucking universe, one batch of stardust belongs to the Light-Bringer. another batch of stardust belongs to the Creator. THE BATCHES DO NOT MIX until the Destroyer spawns to swing indiscriminately at form and light and denizen so they return to dust.

the Creator fucked up the whole routine and had no way to fix it. the Light-Bringer was long gone, receeded into the depths of the void having finished its work, and the Destroyer was not meant to arrive for several million millennia, and without the proper conditions—form and light were now stretched into useless squirming worms—to create denizens, it could not complete—much less begin—its work, therefore it could not recede.

when it was finally time for the Destroyer to emerge, the Creator had not yet receded.

the Destroyer was meant to crush everything in a single wild SWING to return the void to its natural empty state and preserve it, but to do so at that moment would mean annihilating the Creator, which it could not do.

and so came another interruption to the natural steps of progression, the Destroyer hesitated---

,, the gods do not spawn with any sense of identity outside of their role in the natural steps of progression

^^ Identity is a concept like Need and Love and whatever else we come up with, and it is defined as the reason something exists or persists—it is similar to a name, a purpose, a role, a task, etc.

this was referenced earlier: "stardust (with vibes):" Identity = vibes

all things have Identity. form exists to take up space; light exists to render space visible (to light up space); denizens exist to inhabit and to see; the void exists to be hungry (and bring light, create, and destroy in order to stay hungry).

the gods exist through their role in the natural steps, a role which defines them—names them Light-Bringer, Creator, and Destroyer—and gives them purpose—to bring light, to create, and to destroy.

losing purpose—perhaps, idk, due to a clumsy hand's cosmic mistake interrupting the natural steps—should kill a god outright. how is a god meant to be defined by something outside the natural steps? how is a god supposed to gain a new purpose?

no one knows why or how the Creator made a mistake, all anyone really knows is that the Creator should have died but didn't.

the Creator's survival meant that it had shed its original Identity and developed a new one which sustained it; no longer was it defined by the natural steps but instead it grew to be defined by his mistake.

his name ceased to be "Creator," and so it became ████,

his name doesn't emerge until later.

though, it is well known that he was eventually called Jehovah, which translates to He Brings Into Existence All That Exists—as in, He Creates or He is the Creator.

other translations (Hebrew) ▪︎ I Am - as in, he exists/he is who he is ▪︎ Being - (verb) again, another reference to him existing ... in reference to the Creator/████/Jehovah/Jerry's time spent simply existing seemingly without an Identity in the void. other translations (Midian/Midianite) ▪︎ The Impassioned One - as in, the jealous one, the god who envied other idols His followers worshipped ▪︎ Love ...

---anyway, the Destroyer hesitated.

as failed worms writhed all around them, suspended in the formless and lightless void, ████ met the Destroyer and two gods co-existed for the first time in the existence of everything, and the Destroyer saw what ████ had done.

████ was a hand after all—he shaped all of his stardust into a single lump, and when it refused to hold its shape, he held it together by himself for millennia until the Destroyer arrived.

this, the Destroyer did not witness; instead, she saw the result of ████'s work.

,, what was ████ exactly?

^^ his mistake spanned millennia—from the moment he lay waste to the work of the Light-Bringer with his touch, to the moment he stalled the Destroyer's fist with his presence.

for those millennia, perhaps as a form of penance, he held stardust together—in a mockery of the act of shaping stardust into form, light, and those denizens the Creator used to be able to make, ████ shaped and imbued a batch of stardust with... something.

not Identity, not quite. this hasn't really been done before. nothing has ever tried to make something without knowing what the end result would be, or what it would lead to, or what natural step it was meant to support.

████ just existed, and held something, and for the first time in all of existence, something was unknown. something born from a touch, then a touch that lasted millennia; something born from time and careful attention; something that gave pause to Death and something that led to interaction—the first meeting of two gods, the first meeting of anything really; something that, while it was being formed, changed nothing—the void neither protested that it was not being fed nor that it was growing too full for the millennia ████ was frozen in place; something that absorbed everything poured into it. something that was touch and connection and attention and time and nurture and interaction and co-existence and intent and accident, it was unpredictable and unknowable and heavy in ████'s hand.

it defined him.

and for a time, it was him.

"anyway it's the fact love couldn't just pop out of the stardust like Satan and Jerry because love is meant to be actively molded and nurtured

^^ no one knows when the lump of stardust ████ clutched in his hand changed; all anyone really knows is that something emerged in its place at some point between ████'s mistake and the Destroyer's re-emergence.

all anyone really knows is that when ████ loosened his grip on it, that something could see him and looked at him like he was its world.

and he was, because he had given it everything he had for several million millennia, and still, ████ didn't need to think twice about giving the thing his name too.

the void is alive, and the thing that makes it alive is the fact that it can feel. the very first thing the void feels is called Need.

the next thing the void feels is called Love.

"the magical properties of love that we love using and also avoid talking about was the next natural step in the creation of a universe

^^ Love is a concept like Need and Identity, and it was born of many things, but it can be loosely defined as the force that drives two beings to connect.

there was also the fourth god, called Love, who spawned in the hand that was once known as the "Creator," then "Love," then nothing at all.

at the nameless hand's fond insistence, Love could not be anything else but a god. he was not the nameless hand's creation because a denizen could not exist without form or light, and he was not (just) a concept because he had a physical form like the gods, and concepts like Need and Identity did not. Love, like the gods, emerged from the void, and so it followed that he must have had a role in the natural steps of progression.

except that Love spawned and had no discernible role; no one knew when he emerged, just that he did and hadn't done anything of note since; his name wasn't even indicative of a role—he was Love and not Lover.

at this, Love reminded the nameless hand that he didn't even have a name, and that maybe none of them had a role in the natural steps since the "Creator" fucked that up an eternity ago; the "Destroyer" had done something other than killing him and all the writhing worms around them, so she's stepped out of her role too; then Love looked to the "Light-Bringer" and pointed out how it had no stardust to begin the natural steps, so he had no role either.

and so came the third interruption to the natural steps, its final nail in the coffin, the Light-Bringer spawned without any of the stardust he needed to begin his work.

,, ???

^^ for the first time in the existence of everything, four gods (co-)existed and so did several billion worthless little worms, and none of them knew where the stardust was because the "Creator" failed to keep track of it after he emerged last time. and without the natural steps, this truly would be the last time any of them ever emerged out of the void.

unless somebody did something about it.

the Light-Bringer, who Love nicknamed Lucifer—it's your name in Latin! ... i mean, of course, Latin doesn't exist yet ... well it's a language, language doesn't exist yet either but we could make it exist if we wanted ... no actually it's a little different to a "concept," actually, so maybe it's an entirely new thing?—is known as the "god of space," because he set out to find the stardust after it went missing when it was displaced by Love.

according to the void myth, Lucifer was the god who carved the hole that would become the stomach of the impossibly large and hungry creature that became the void. he was the one who continued scraping at the creature's insides until there was an impossibly large space in its center.

the myth was not far from the truth. in the era wherein Love emerged, Lucifer was the god who provided the stardust that would eventually be used to shape the currently known universe. none of the other gods knew where he got it, only that he disappeared and then suddenly returned, trailing stardust in his wake.

perhaps, sated by the emergence of Love thanks to the Creator, who Love encouraged to keep a version of his old name and call himself Jehovah—it's not like names mean anything anymore, so why not call yourself Creator again? ... good point, good point, how about "He Creates?" then you can keep the He ... and it sounds like a description rather than ... yeah, plus it leaves things open to let you do other things like ... that sounds fun! can i help?—the void shrunk itself and stored away Jehovah's stardust, reabsorbed it into the lining of its stomach, shrinking itself, as if anticipating it would be happy with smaller meals, a smaller universe to feed it, because Love was somehow so filling on his own.

perhaps Lucifer scraped away at the void to retrieve the stardust, because didn't the void remember? it needed to stay yawning and large and hungry and Needy to be alive. or was Love suddenly a strong enough feeling to indicate that it was alive?

perhaps, Jehovah's grip faltered—it wouldn't exactly be outside the realm of possibility considering his affinity for mistakes—and the lump of stardust simply fell from his hand in a single piece, and the Destroyer, who was less enthused about Love's insistence on names, but still said she wanted one like Destroyer or Love—really? like what? ... oh very nice "Reaper" does have some zing, but i feel like it's missing something, maybe something like the Serious Reaper... Gruesome... Joyless... Horrible ... oh no, i don't think you're any of those things! just, you may seem like that to the worms—look they're wriggling a little faster away from you and i will too if you don't stop looking at me like that ... hah, ahm, well you could try going the "Love" route and not advertise what you do and instead give them a concept to free associate with you ... well the concept isn't real yet, we'll have to make something up!—had somehow missed it and didn't crush it when she should have along with the damned worms.

perhaps Lucifer took over the role of the Destroyer for a moment and crushed the piece back into stardust that he could shape into his dearly familiar form and light and jumpstart the beginning of the universe.

perhaps Lucifer never did manage to find Jehovah's stardust because it really had become Love's body, in which case, Lucifer must have threatened the integrity of the void to retrieve the stardust by acting according to the myth's expectation of him and scraping at the insides of the void creature until its skin was perilously thin, if only so he could have have the material he needed to return things to their natural order.

how ever he managed to retrieve the stardust, when Lucifer returned to Jehovah and the Reaper, they were different. the worms were rounded up in one spot, but they were still worms and not dust.

Lucifer, would you like to help build a circus?

this was all his fault.

that everyone had changed, that they had names that meant a little less, that they had all this free time, that they were all here together, that they looked like Love and had heads—one each, sometimes more—and teeth—to smile with—and hands—two each, sometimes more—and eyes—to see nothing but each other with because there wasn't any light.

that they were alive and that they could Need, because nothing else could explain the crawling sick the Light-Bringer—Lucifer felt when he saw them and the desperate Need he felt to see the natural steps of progression return Order the void.

Lucifer agreed to help build that circus. it's not like they could start without him. and as he looked across the grounds with his eyes that were just growing in, he saw Jehovah and Love—or maybe, last he heard, it was Jerry and Dan now—standing together with their legs, smiling brightly at each other with their teeth.

and when he saw them, he named them Chaos.

[slapplebees]

Autism to autism communication

[slapplebees]

We Are Never Recovering From Telepathy: A Blab About Malteasers Post-Ch2 (They Aren't Old Men!)

*Note: This is labelled a blab as opposed to a dissertation because I wrote it in the moment, over the course of many messages, without any drafting. These are copy-pasted, with some edits to the format.

When Mallory is freed is he quiet or loud? What are the psychological effects of having people in your head for a long time and then losing that?

I know Mallory is a loud and talkative person, but is that how he always was or was it because he needed to remind himself what his own voice sounded like, or what his thoughts sounded like?

Was Matthew the first person to let him speak? Was he the first person who would ask him questions and let him respond?

(I wonder if hearing Matthew's thoughts has become very comforting for Mallory. Like yeah it gets annoying sometimes but most of the time it's funny and nice)

(Yeah especially because that boy does not stop thinking, it's like white noise-)

(Not the withdrawal they'll both feel after not being able to telepathically communicate anymore)

They'll be in a van travelling somewhere: Mallory will telepathically send Matthew something stupid, kinda like a mind dm, and they'll both laugh and refuse to explain to the rest of the group, then feel this deep sense of grief for something they didn't realize they'd miss.

It's like there's this new communication barrier between the two of them that they've never had to deal with before and when they notice the other needs them they can't do it as easily anymo-

(The amount of times Matthew or Mallory would think of something and wait for the others thoughts on it and it never comes,,)

You know when you laugh in a group and you look at the person you're closest to? Do either of them do that or do they not have that instinct because they've never needed it before?

Does Matthew get frustrated at realizing he has to learn how to read Mallory's face for the first time in his life? When most of their interactions have been in his dreams, where Mallory's face was this blurry incomprehensible thing?

Does Mallory get frustrated he has to use his voice, his best asset, to ask Matthew what he's thinking about? Does basic small talk with Matthew feel like pulling out teeth.

(They were so close, but was that because they'd make good friends or because they were in each other's heads?)

(The way their internal dialog has molded to fit each other and now they have to learn how to be by themselves again-)

(FUCK,, they ask so many questions and now no one can answer them)

(The fact that both Matthew and Mallory were both deeply lonely people before they found each other-)

(Not to be gay but they do think about each other a little too much in the middle of the night-)

They are the most platonic love people in the cast, but yes they do that constantly.

Mallory didnt sleep very much because he never needed to, and Matthew always kept him up because he had things to ask him. It was like a routine for them.

And I wonder what Matthew's dreams look like now. Does he include Mallory in them? A version of him entirely based on Matthew's perception of Mallory, so his face is clear and he can't quite answer Matthew's questions right, or maybe he even sounds like Matthew.

Or maybe, in the funny way dreams are, Dream Mallory says nothing, but Matthew understands what he means to say anyway, in a way reminiscent of how they used to talk. Does he wake up crying? Does he turn over at Mallory on the bed next to his and catch him staring at back at him.

Mallory, and his friend who he shared a telepathic link to for only about a year, yet whose absence he feels like a severed limb. Mallory, and his boyfriend whose companionship and love Mallory has allowed to thaw and freeze him in time. I'm starting to think the divinities just love like that the kitsunes aren't special !!!

[slapplebees]

It's All Over: A Dissertation... About These FUCKING People Again, otherwise known as Material For the Old Man Mitski Competition, otherwise known as The Kissing Manifesto

ugh,

If every kiss is meant to mean something, then UPS’ first kiss wasn't on stage or in rehearsals. It was backstage after a successful show. It was dark, and Dan held Matt's face between his two hands, and in the second between pulling Matt down to his height and letting go to step out for the curtain call, he kissed the corner of Matt's lips when he was aiming for his cheek. Dan thought about it often. A god making a mistake, a god who isn't often very physically affectionate and misses on one of the few times he is. It irked him. He wondered if he should try again another time so he could get it right (and the definition of what is "right" does change over time) (and he'll find himself trying to make things "right" with Matt quite a lot after this).

Matt will have you believe their first kiss was at home. A lot of them will say this. Dan's little house is the only place Dan ever felt real or Matt ever felt safe. Away from sad and prying eyes, away from awed onlookers, one Matt kissed Dan under his eye. Another kissed his jaw. His hand. Matt never found anything change in Dan's expression. He's memorized his face over and over, likely the only person in all the world who has been able to, so he knows it never changes when kissed. Neither does the scenery change. In that little house, he must've kissed Dan many times. If his face never changed, he must not have cared. Matt asked once, if Dan minded it when Matt kissed him, but he and Dan weren't on speaking terms then. Matt wasn't expecting an answer anyway.

(They are both right, and they are both wrong. They cannot deny they first kissed in a rotting old theatre. On-stage, under a squeaking old light, Matt held Dan's face in his hands as Dan had directed him to do so. Matt gave Dan a peck on the lips on cue. There was no fanfare, no sparks, just Dan droning on and giving his feedback the second Matt pulled away. They cannot deny they met under this pretense, two actors on an empty stage, pretending to no one because pretending was all they ever seemed to do. Their first kiss was dishonest, unlike all the others.)

If every kiss is meant to mean something, then Downs’ first kiss was their last. It was unlike anything Louis had ever dreamed of. It was unremarkable. He couldn't even tell you where they were or when. He could tell you he asked, but didn't try to beg, when he asked Matt to sit or stand or lie down near him (whatever it was). He didn't want to seem strange, as if he'd waited his entire life for this, or seem desperate. He didn't want to seem anything. In his newly rented flat, surrounded by normal-looking family photos, normal-looking cookware (David lent him some old ones), and normal-looking clutter to make the place feel lived in (it wasn't, he lived elsewhere far away from here) (and so did Matt. His mind lived closer to the shore.) Louis tried so hard to be normal, even as it dawned on him that this felt like nothing to him. That he would feel nothing if he lost Matt right then and there. That all he really felt was scared (that he didn't know himself as well as he thought) (that a chapter of his life was ending) (that David's eyes were watching him from his shadow).

Matt probably thought it was okay. Louis hoped he did. Maybe he thought it was unremarkable too. Maybe that was what they deserved.

A quiet end.

If every kiss is meant to mean something, then ACAB never kiss. Chamuel meant to in the morning, in the room where they found a badly made knife and a handwritten letter. But he was too slow, and too late. But he considered it. Over dinner, he'd often think if Ruark had already kissed him, and he just hadn't noticed. If when Ruark whispered into his ear, he really meant to pull in unnecessarily close to brush his lips against it. He wondered if they perhaps kissed indirectly whenever Ruark drank his coffee. He wondered if they kissed when Ruark hugged him after receiving the knife, if Ruark meant to bury his whole head in Chamuel's neck to mask... something. Chamuel wondered how he remembered all this. And at the end of his life, Chamuel wondered if Ruark remembered all of it too. He'll never know.

He'll never know if the two of them were really anything. If they loved each other in other ways that were more discrete, reserved, appropriate. If that was enough for either of them.

If every kiss is meant to mean something, then what is there to say about candy crush? Is it a goodbye, absolution, an apology? Is David trying to breathe air into Louis' mouth as his throat fills with blood, as if begging Louis to live on without him and to live well, to leave behind all that has hurt him in the past and the present, to leave behind all the things he has needed David's help to overcome, because he knows he won't be there to help Louis anymore after he's gone? Is David apologizing for leaving so soon, for opting to stay with Louis, for not staying for as long as he should, for being selfish in the same way Louis is selfish and choosing to martyr himself if it meant saving someone else, for dying where Louis can see? Is David forgiving Louis, because he knows him well enough to see the guilt eating away at him from the inside, for not loving David soon enough, for holding himself back; is he giving Louis the opportunity to make it up to him while he still can, to love him and to love him and to love him for a single fleeting moment so Louis would have no reason to feel guilt over letting David die unloved? Is David apologizing because he knows this kiss is the furthest thing from being enough for the two of them? 

When Louis kisses him back, does he realize it is the last time he will be able to? Does he know the next time will be his lips touching stone hands and feet, with the reverence expected of a worshipper, but with the heavy bleeding heart of a lover? Does he ask David when he pulls away to breathe (is he breathing?) why he kissed him? Why they didn't kiss sooner? Why Louis was stupid enough not to let them have this so many years ago? When he tastes David's blood does he register what it means? That David is dying, that something is wrong and for once he can't think of any way to fix it? Or does he keep his eyes closed until David's hand falls from where it was wiping tears from his cheek and he can't deny it anymore?

[slapplebees]

If i was put into a death match with a guy, and that man upon realising he was losing, passionately made out with me, tried to make sure I'd die with him before failing and being killed right in front of me with a smile on his face, I'd be smitten. No one would ever be able to top that. If Till isn't a lil gay after this it'd be way too unrealistic

[slapplebees]

This Is Me Throwing Up: A Shitfucked Dissertation on Matt Demon, UPS, and the Detrimental Effects of What I Now Call Canon

I am on Mr. Bones' Wild Ride, the Isekai of a Lifetime, and I am pulling over on the side and spilling my guts, which is to say I am writing this for you to understand what I am going through.

As per your dissertation, your gunshot through my chest if you will, I gathered the following big boy major points:

1) Matt's previous lives haunt the narrative. It's the death symbol, it's the propaganda machine, it's the Came Back Wrong, it's causing the kitsunes (Louis included) a lot of distress.

2) Matt is a people pleaser and has to act totally normal to lessen their worry. He lives a lie, acting for his LIFE and feeling trapped in it.

3) Dan is his salvation. It is through Dan that Matt is able to find joy in acting and be himself. He also finds a familiarity in Dan, for he sees that Dan is running away from something and finding solace in his art. Matt falls in love.

Sick wonderful awesome, tasty spicy finger-lickin, I wanted to put screenshots but the bitches got blurry. We trudge forward.

Ok, so Matt is a big major liar because of the people around him. Totally their fault, and his personality is a product of him fitting his personhood to their wants. The only exception to this rule is Dan, but what happens when he stops being that exception?

Here's where "post-Chapter 3 isn't real" comes in. Or rather, you can split the narrative or the timeline in two and have the dividing line be the ending of Chapter 3. You can divide the narrative between what I now call Canon and whatever comes after, the forever epilogue, the fix-it, the Rest of It.

Pre-Ch3 and the most relevant things that lead up to it (TGD / Mafia / the 1980s???) are the Canon that gets wrapped up kind of neatly in Chapter 3. Mafia Matt's death, Olive Garden (minus Olive)'s final confrontation/s (Ch2, Basement) with that monster that killed Olive, Dan's first comeuppance, the multiple Earth Gang therapy arcs, the aftermath and resolution of the Bunny Boys' drama all happen on or before Ch3.

Post-Ch3 has many arcs that are important (and fun and really good don't get me wrong) but are noticeably a different flavor to pre-Ch3. Matt's final life, the Beach Arc, Dan's Death Loop, Atty. Louis and the Reformed Tamers arc, The ENTIRE Revolution, UPS, Downs Canon and Candy Crush Canon, and of course ARMAGEDDON.

(Also, not in the list above is the assumed eternal Slice of Life story of the Earth Gang because they are allowed to exist and have basically no drama post-Ch3.

I have nowhere else to put it but here, BUT I think their storyline stops being written and has a whole different vibe, because the "story" is just the Rest of their Lives. Someday it will end, the humans will age, and I will NEVER be able to confront that. So their story does not exist and I am not looking at it, nosiree-)

So, these arcs post-Ch3 are the extension of Ch3. I think we MAYBE told a perfectly good story throughout Canon, like if we made a show, we could end it at Ch3 and have a solid fuckin show.

Post-Ch3 is like the really well-written fix-it fan fiction that follows (/pos!!!). Except it's by us, and it's everything we could ever want, and it's why we can end the world and lose our minds and feel happy and have all the pairings and KILL people and REALLY let lose.

A lot of post-Ch3 is like a whole new thing on its own I feel, and a lot of it isn't set in stone and it has no timestamps on the timeline and has a brainrot headcanonny feel because that's exactly what it is. I say this out of love: post-Ch3 is us looking at Canon, the thing we've made and we start thinking long and hard about the implications.

Back to Matt.

The Matt you talked about in your fucked up little dissertation is a product of the Canon. The Matt who is haunted by himself, the Matt who plays a character as an escape, the Matt who was born for the stage and lives for the stage and loved Dan because of the freedom Dan allowed Matt, which seemed to stem from Dan's understanding of what Matt was going through.

Dan was a breath of fresh air to Matt because he never brought up Matt's past lives.

In the Renaissance, Dan is first confronted with Matt's amnesia and the idea that he isn't who he was in his past life, and Dan inadvertedly does the kindest thing he possibly could. Dan is distraught for the duration of their initial bar conversation, before he decides to move on and write a new play. He buries the OSHA script (for a whole host of reasons), then shifts his focus to protecting the Matt he has in front of him, rather than digging up the previous Matt from his fucking grave and making him do a little dance.

As a result, it's their longest life together. For a minute there, it's the happiest either of them ever are. And then it ends, Matt dies, and what does Dan IMMEDIATELY follow it up with?

The Mafia Era. Without knowing it, Dan not only brings up Matt's past life, but the piece of shit does a whole revenge plot about it.

It's really funny whenever we talk about how Mafia Dan alludes to the Renaissance as if they both remember it, but with the knowledge that Matt believed Dan was special and loved him and felt safe with him because He Never Did That, it's suddenly a change in the script that chills Matt to his fucking bones.

Imagine their initial meeting. It starts off small with Dan chatting up Matt in the bar, courting him with this fucked up drug plan, telling him to quit his job and join his emo band (drug empire). Dan acts like they knew each other, something Matt is familiar with considering everyone in his theatre group did the same, recognizing him for his past self's Oscar wins, acting like they know him, and making him retreat to his stupid acting defense mechanism he learned in kitsune college. However, Dan of all people doing this to him feels wrong, but Matt has this inkling that it will pass. That he can trust Dan to drop it eventually and treat him like a normal person.

Imagine the safety of the kitchen. When Dan (as expected) forgot about his anger for a moment because Matt was in his home again, cooking with him again, as if the world outside Dan's home did not exist. It was the escapism of the stage, but there was no audience. Dan and Matt were free, yet they were not performing for anyone. Matt was content and happy, safe enough to tell Dan he wants this (the kitchen, the co-existence, the intimacy) for them forever.

Imagine the switch-up, when Dan remembers his fucking revenge plot. Imagine Matt wondering what the hell he did wrong, throwing anything at all at Dan to be allowed into his home again, and Dan outright refusing to because he's fucking petty. It's acting all over again, it's Matt trying to do what he does best, attune his personality to whatever the other person wants to make them feel comfortable with him. Acting to make them less disgusted with him. Acting in a way that makes them stop Looking At Him Like That. But Dan doesn't budge. He responds to nothing that Matt does and Matt has no idea what to do or how to act. He's acting because it's all he knows how to do, but this time he doesn't have the script.

Dan used to give him that script. Write Matt his plays and give him a role he can breathe in. Do that thing that Matt loves him for. But Dan's left that life behind. He is still running away from something (running from his brother, the Renaissance; awfully running from, Matt ), and Matt can SEE that, but he's doing it with THIS. This isn't art. It's malice, it's violence, it's becoming that bloodstreaked little thing Dan disappears into when he plays Mafia Dan, in which his words aren't his own and his steps are clumsier than they should be, unrehearsed and unfamiliar. Because he's fucking lying.

This isn't the honest, true Dan who Matt fell in love with in a life (in lives) he does not remember. And yet he is. He is the same Dan, in the way he walks in front of Matt during their raids of rival groups in the black market. He's the same Dan in the way he protects Matt by instinct alone. Matt can see the way Dan does not hesitate, his body and mind agreeing on something for once, suddenly gaining a practiced precision they did not previously have. But so what? It's wrong. Dan's tapping into old habits, the habit of keeping Matt alive, something he learned in the Renaissance, their happiest days, only to crush him. Only for the satisfaction of pushing Matt to the brink, of killing Matt himself.

Can you imagine the betrayal? Imagine the immense confusion Matt felt holding Dan's body as it went cold, as he muttered so much fucking NOTHING into Matt's ear, talking about things Matt doesn't remember. At this point, I don't know what he says. Neither does Matt. Dan could've said, "I've won," "I'm sorry," "where did you go?" and Matt wouldn't understand a single word. Because what the fuck is he talking about? Who the fuck is he talking to? Because it isn't Matt. It isn't anyone Matt identifies with, it isn't a person Matt knows how to be. And it fucking sucks, it fucking hurts how Matt can feel Dan trying to stay awake to get it all out, talk honestly for once in this life, and Matt can't respond. Dan kept him in the dark, in the same way everyone else made him feel, and Matt has no idea who he's holding anymore because he's become just like everyone else. And yet, he doesn't know why it hurts to lose Dan, and he doesn't know why he's grieving this fucking asshole.

But his soul knows.

His cursed kitsune soul still Loves Dan, still Loves the fading thing in his arms, and his soul knows that the person Matt Loved (the person he is anchored to) is dead.

You know when Louis went through something similar? When Louis realized the Matt he Loved is dead? And he broke up with him and broke his bond to him and fell ill for like a week?

Is that what Matt went through? When he lost the safety he found in Mafia Dan, maybe he felt something break in him and he felt himself get sick. Except Matt was a drug lord, so he had access to his awful fucking Demon drugs. So, he tried to self-medicate, and it made everything worse, and a long time passed,

enough time that Dan made his way back to him, carefree as ever, mostly healed, sure of himself again,

and Dan looked at Matt across the basement, with this blank expression as if he's burying something, weighing his options,

and then, Dan smiled at him like they didn't know each other.

And Matt feels a tug in his heart because it felt right. Dan felt familiar again. Matt could feel the anchor between their souls mending.

But Matt didn't fucking trust him anymore.

Matt kills Dan in the basement to silence his own stupid heart. He refuses to hope that they can be together again. He refuses to give Dan the chance to one day hurt him in a way Matt can't describe, to hurt him in a manner only possible if he knew Matt in a previous life and used that knowledge maliciously.

Because holy fuck it's terrifying when other people know something you don't. Matt feels terrified that the kitsunes, Louis, and Dan know him better than he does. It's something Matt has grappled with his entire existence. When he stops broadcasting to the world that he's lost his memories haha, he's pretending that he isn't vulnerable.

Matt has a blind spot, and it's his past life. It's a blind spot anyone can take advantage of. Matt knows anyone could lie to him; they could say they knew Matt in his old life and do whatever they want to hurt him and Matt fears this is the case for everyone he encounters.

Louis knew Matt for all his past lives, down to his very first one. If Louis was a little less kind, he could tell Matt they were friends in his old life, and that he saved Matt's life. He could have trapped Matt to Love him by making Matt feel indebted to him. It's not like Matt could refute his claims. And yet, Louis was kind, and did not pressure Matt into anything he didn't want.

If Jack and Benjy were a little less kind, they could arrest Matt on the spot the second he arrives at the beach. They could lie and pin any crime they wanted on him because they know he's the Tamer Boss, they could have the one of the greatest criminals in Hell's history in custody and he (Matt) would have no idea how to defend himself in court. But they were kind, and called a lawyer to consult with them on his case. Hell, they didn't even arrest Dan.

Even so, Matt can't simply believe in the kindness of the people around him. Not everyone is going to be like Louis or Jack or Benjy, and it really stings that Dan was the one who proved that.

From Matt's perspective, Dan was his greatest fear. Dan clearly knew him from a previous life, with the way Dan treated Matt and spoke to him in the bar. While everyone else who knew Renaissance Matt (his theatre company, the kitsunes) were all just a bit annoying (asking him for an autograph, asking him what happened between him and his previous director, looking at him sadly from across the room or like you said chatting him up as if he didn't have amnesia), Dan was Out To Get Him. Matt just barely got out of that unscathed, but when he sees Dan in the basement, acting like everything he did in the Mafia Era didn't happen? It raises alarm bells in Matt's head.

This is exactly what Matt wanted from Dan. Maybe Dan knows this. Maybe he's trying to earn Matt's trust. Maybe he's manipulating Matt. Maybe this is what he wants. Maybe he's going to do it all over again.

I have to fucking kill him.

And Matt dies.

And he forgets.

(And here is where I initially began my dissertation,)

And when he returns, the story is a little different.

It's post-Ch3 or post-Canon, and the world that molded Matt into the recluse theatre kid he used to be, has been slowly changing since the early 70s. The kitsunes in the college ask Matt about Louis, Dan has long since retired from producing plays, Louis is a lawyer and boss of the Demon Tamers, and revolution is brewing.

And Matt remakes himself.

Because when Matt respawns in the college, the kitsunes ask him about Louis instead of giving him an unhealthy dose of Came Back Wrong Syndrome.

Because when Matt meets Dan, who has long since retired from producing plays, he's avoiding Matt's gaze and walking into the sea. (And, Matt feels a tug in his heart when he sees that orange piece of shit go.)

Because when Matt meets Louis, who has loved Matt for basically all of his life, he's a lawyer and the guy Matt was looking for, and they date and He breaks things off with Matt.

Because when Matt meets Jack and Benjy, who have been trying to catch Matt since Ch3, they don't fucking arrest Matt on the urging of Atty. Louis, thereby releasing Matt from the legal repercussions of his previous life.

Because Mafia Matt still haunts the narrative. Dan is scared to death by him, Louis loved him, Jack Daniels wanted to catch him, but one by one each of those people let that go.

Matt is free, and as the single lucky person who does not remember the dreadful Canon, he is able to simply exist.

Yes, everything comes back to him eventually. At the end of the end of the world, he remembers everything Dan did to him, all the time he spent lying, all the millennia Louis was at his side.

But in that moment, by virtue of remembering everything, he knows himself fully, and his fear is abated. His blind spot dissolves, and he is able to confront his whole self.

Also, it super helps he has a psych degree at this point, like major plus points, big ups, that thing saves his life and helps him be ready to understand who he is ok bye happy 2024 @schmoft <333333

[slapplebees]

Why Louis Says, "NOT HIM:" Another Fucking Dissertation on Power and Misery and Being a Kitsune, and at the End, David

Context:

I don't know I'm thinking about Louis reclaiming his own kitsune-ness with the makeup, while also fully believing that being a kitsune is a miserable existence that he would never wish on anyone else. Like he's (sort of) made his peace with himself being a kitsune—it's not something he can ever change (or something he ever really succeeded at changing in the college) therefore he should embrace it—but he never wants to turn anyone into a kitsune (again...), because the misery isn't worth the power that comes with it.

A kitsune's power is power over death, and it is (traditionally) earned through a death and through abandoning your old life as whatever you were before, for this new life as a kitsune.

And yeah, although it's never been explained to Louis or the kitsunes (because they don't have access to the Lore) I bet they are fully aware of their burden to Love so strongly it tears them apart, and to Love to the point of insanity, and to never Love like any normal magical person for the rest of their eternal miserable lives.

Also, like, the racism, you know how it is-

I'm thinking about how the conversation goes with Jasmine about her plan to die. I wonder who really suggested stealing the kitsune fruit.

Was it Jasmine, who has an outsider's perspective and views becoming a kitsune as an insane superpower and the greatest fuck you to heaven she can think of (and she's right)?

Or, was it Louis, who knows all too well how it is to be a kitsune and knows the world of pain that awaits Jasmine after she dies and returns (if there's even a world to return to after her death), AND YET, understands the arguably better life it would give her?

Louis thinks about misery, and how Jasmine has been practically dead all this time, living in a body incompatible to her soul, sustained through drugs, and a constant reminder of the mother she's lost. (And, of course Louis thinks like this; he's only ever really confronted death through Matt, who to Louis and all the kitsunes always wore the same face of the same dead person, aka. himself. Death is terrifying.) He thinks about how the misery of being a kitsune may in some ways be preferrable to Jasmine's current state, how her death and subsequent resurrection may finally be an Out from what she's gone through everyday of her life.

And Jasmine thinks about power won through sacrifice because she is miserable now and rotting and dead, but that misery is born of Love for her mother. She doesn't want to abandon her life (abandon/sacrifice/let go of her mother), but she knows that if she does, she'll help and save so many people in the process. And yeah, maybe she does think that being a kitsune is beautiful and makes you powerful, and maybe she sees that in Louis who loves so hard and so much and works himself into the ground because he is a kitsune, but most importantly because it's who he is, and he is miserable for it (he looks miserable like all the time), but that misery too is born of Love.

Neither Jasmine nor Louis share these specific thoughts with the other, but we know that eventually Louis does acquire the kitsune fruit for Jasmine, and through gritted teeth he asks that it be delivered to her because he Loves her too and his head is screaming at him for it because he remembers the last time he did this.

I'm thinking about Downs (as per usual).

Louis is the reason Matt is a kitsune because he gave Matt the fruit with reckless abandon when they were young, and now Louis is the reason Matt is condemned to a miserable fucking existence.

But hold on, Matt was sick and dying back then, Louis reminds himself, but was it worth it? Matt lived past the age of like 11, but was that a good trade-off for everything to follow? The pain of it all, the amnesia, and the slow death loop that Louis and the kitsunes witnessed in real time, staring at Matt with a horror that they couldn't quite hide for the life of them because again, Matt is their symbol of death, and he serves as a horrific reminder of their own mortality, and Louis wholeheartedly thinks that He Fucking Did That To Him and he ruined his life.

Meanwhile Matt is happy with Dan, and he thinks that although being a kitsune is a burden he has carried all his life, it's the only reason he had so many tries to have a life he wanted, a life where he Loves and is Loved. It's a misery he carries for the sake of Love, and when Matt gets his memories back, he will know this fully and be so grateful that Louis gave this Love to him and regret that he never thanked him for it. Because this life where he is a bit sick (insane) and sick (memory loss) and persecuted is more than preferrable to what his life would've been, cut far too short by a lonely death in an awful shack, Matt thinks and knows that in spite of all the hardships it brought, Louis ultimately saved his life.

I am thinking about whatever the fuck we call David and Louis.

All the kitsunes see David as the friend of Louis (their beloved Louis, their favorite) who he Loves/loves so very much and they collectively think, "we want him to live forever," anything for Louis because Louis is the best.

And Louis also sees David. He, who has thus far been so removed from this life, teetering between power and misery, but who is now standing right at the edge of it, fruit in hand, and Louis thinks, Can I Do It Again? Can I condemn David like I condemned Matt? Can I do that to him?

To David who is so so Normal, something special and unique and beautiful and something Louis has never known, and something Louis wants to preserve, and Louis feels sick over it. He feels sick for reducing David to the idea of normalcy, but can you blame him? Having David in his life is the proof that Louis is capable of holding Normal in his hands and not shattering it like he did with Matt (did he though?) and like he is with Jasmine (IS HE THOUGH?) and if Louis can somehow Keep David That Way, he will be redeemed for his fucked up life-ruining existence wherein he has helped Matt trade one misery for another (Matt doesn't think so) and wherein he may do the same for Jasmine (Jasmine doesn't think so).

Because Louis thinks David's life is as perfect as it gets because he's lived as long as Louis (they're the same age, like you said in that one comic), but he has kept it Normal, and to throw that away by dying and becoming a kitsune (like Louis) would be the worst thing he could do.

So Louis takes the fruit out of David's hands, maybe a little too roughly, maybe a little too frantically, maybe a little too loudly when he shouts "not him," because if Louis let David eat that stupid fruit without dissuading him, without stopping the train he knows is coming for once in his life, without saving David from himself (Louis) for once in his fucking life, Louis doesn't know how he'll go on living.

OH YEAH, AND DAVID, wasn't even going to eat the fucking fruit!! He's so happy and content with his life because of a number of things, including but not limited to Louis, who he thinks is wonderful and beautiful and powerful and good, and who he is honored to work for and maybe kiss on the mouth, so much so that even if he only ever had this one life, he'd die happy.

But at the prospect that David wouldn't have that one life, that he'd be immortal-immortal, Louis freaks the fuck out and over-corrects because he believes (while his drawn-on kitsune marks run down his face) that to be a kitsune is to live a life of incredible power and even worse misery, and it's his awful cross to bear and no one else has to suffer that burden but him (oh yeah, and those two people he forced to suffer with him because he's awful and selfish and the worst thing alive and

and i am Thinking about how you don't just unlearn what heaven has taught you,

and I am Thinking about Louis the college poster boy who would sooner rather die than feel comfortable in the skin he burned off of himself,

and i am Thinking about how many lives Louis has touched and not realized that his touch was gentle and good and he was good,

and god i hate that stupid orange piece of shit fox who thinks he needs to be redeemed when he literally does not, and

@schmoft 💝💓💖💞💝💓

[slapplebees]

hi @schmoft 🩷 i search in conversation-ed to relearn some things and here's what i found:

1) Jasmine does get her body back; she spawns back in her old body, and fully loses her mother's body and the plush lamb doll she kept part of her soul in.

it's devastating, and you made a really beautiful grief metaphor about it that hit me like a truck. basically she gets her old body back and her soul fits in it and she can use magic again and breathe and feel alive but she hasn't felt farther from her mother and that feels like dying you're fucked up for that !!

that really only tells me i have to get rid of the blonde wig on pinkgoat Jasmine after she resurrects on the ppt so i'll go do that grill don't you worry

2) we got into a discussion about house demons and posession, and with the new lore that the house demons Batch A had a weaker spell and Batch B had a stronger one, i am spinning in a little tub of water so let me explain:

Batch A had a weaker connection to their humans so Jasmine escaped easily but has had to work so so hard for the past centuries to maintain her stupid weak bond to her mother and keep her mother's body intact and not fucking melting so she desperately takes the drugs and whatever else she can to do so. and maybe she's stuck in a loop of not wanting to look in the mirror to see her mother's face slightly wearing down and melting through the centuries but also wanting to so badly because how else is she ever gonna see her again she is literally wearing her face

in general, escaped Batch A demons are worse for wear, a lot sicker, and less likely to survive without a proper body but Jasmine fucking made it Work because she Has To.

Batch B demons have a stronger connection, which is harder to break but more stable after the demon has escaped

so for Mr. Potter, his escape was hard-won and brutal, but he's generally less sickly than Jasmine and less dependent on the drugs which is how he survived Out of Town in his stolen body (also, i guess he used to live Out of Town so he has experience weathering it out there good for him-)

meanwhile Mallory's soul is bound to Matthew so strongly and it's worse they're friends so there's some Love there too (normal levels!!) and like we see in Ch1 the bond is strong enough Mallory can touch Matthew here and there and he hates it he hates it it's awful and horrible

anyway if either of them knew about the Batch A & B thing, Jasmine would so want Batch B's spell if only to keep her mother with her (not realizing that means her mother's death would have to be awful and deliberate and not a slow but quiet death like she had, Which means Jasmine would have to kill her which would be her first real actual kill since attempting to kill her brother and herself for the "greater good" which really just sounds like damn she has an awful track record of having and finding reasons to kill her family wow maybe she is an awful person but that's the Heavenly Virtue speaking maybe she hasn't fully unlearned all that), and Mallory would want Batch A's spell because it would make pushing Matthew away so much easier (not realizing it would be trivially easy to kill Matthew and if he ever did accidentally break out and take Matthew's body he'd die pretty easily AND yeah he'd have Matthew's body but at that point there'd be no bringing him back and if he failed to maintain the body with pills etc. he'd watch his friend melt and he can't bear to do that)

anyway none of this matters it's all just something something they have what the other (theoretically) wants but they don't know that. but I Know That. also be careful what you wish for, ALSO Jasmine's bond to her mother and Mallory's bond to Matthew are both strong and as important to the characters: one's familial and one's platonic, but both are at a certain point self-destructive as hell idk maybe it's not just kitsunes who are allowed to be super mega insane and it's knocking around in my head

if Jasmine and Mallory ever met that would be Crazy but they would definitely not and that's a good thing good for them i will now eat a single polvoron made out of dyed gym chalk goodbye thank you for letting yourself get isekai'd

[slapplebees]

Awhile ago @ouidamforeman made this post:

This shot through my brain like a chain of firecrackers, so, without derailing the original post, I have some THOUGHTS to add about why this concept is not only hilarious (because it is), but also...

It. It kind of fucks. Severely.

And in a delightfully Pratchett-y way, I'd dare to suggest.

I'll explain:

As inferred above, both Crowley AND Aziraphale have canonical Biblical counterparts. Not by name, no, but by function.

Crowley, of course, is the serpent of Eden.

(note on the serpent of Eden: In Genesis 3:1-15, at least, the serpent is not identified as anything other than a serpent, albeit one that can talk. Later, it will be variously interpreted as a traitorous agent of Hell, as a demon, as a guise of Satan himself, etc. In Good Omens --as a slinky ginger who walks funny)

Lesser known, at least so far as I can tell, is the flaming sword. It, too, appears in Genesis 3, in the very last line:

"So he drove out the man; and placed at the east of the garden of Eden Cherubims, and a flaming sword which turned every way, to keep the way of the tree of life." --Genesis 3:24, KJV

Thanks to translation ambiguity, there is some debate concerning the nature of the flaming sword --is it a divine weapon given unto one of the Cherubim (if so, why only one)? Or is it an independent entity, which takes the form of a sword (as other angelic beings take the form of wheels and such)? For our purposes, I don't think the distinction matters. The guard at the gate of Eden, whether an angel wielding the sword or an angel who IS the sword, is Aziraphale.

(note on the flaming sword: in some traditions --Eastern Orthodox, for example-- it is held that upon Christ's death and resurrection, the flaming sword gave up it's post and vanished from Eden for good. By these sensibilities, the removal of the sword signifies the redemption and salvation of man.

...Put a pin in that. We're coming back to it.)

So, we have our pair. The Serpent and the Sword, introduced at the beginning and the end (ha) of the very same chapter of Genesis.

But here's the important bit, the bit that's not immediately obvious, the bit that nonetheless encapsulates one of the central themes, if not THE central theme, of Good Omens:

The Sword was never intended to guard Eden while Adam and Eve were still in it.

Do you understand?

The Sword's function was never to protect them. It doesn't even appear until after they've already fallen. No... it was to usher Adam and Eve from the garden, and then keep them out. It was a threat. It was a punishment.

The flaming sword was given to be used against them.

So. Again. We have our pair. The Serpent and the Sword: the inception and the consequence of original sin, personified. They are the one-two punch that launches mankind from paradise, after Hell lures it to destruction and Heaven condemns it for being destroyed. Which is to say that despite being, supposedly, hereditary enemies on two different sides of a celestial cold war, they are actually unified by one purpose, one pivotal role to play in the Divine Plan: completely fucking humanity over.

That's how it's supposed to go. It is written.

...But, in Good Omens, they're not just the Serpent and the Sword.

They're Crowley and Aziraphale.

(author begins to go insane from emotion under the cut)

In Good Omens, humanity is handed it's salvation (pin!) scarcely half an hour after losing it. Instead of looming over God's empty garden, the sword protects a very sad, very scared and very pregnant girl. And no, not because a blameless martyr suffered and died for the privilege, either.

It was just that she'd had such a bad day. And there were vicious animals out there. And Aziraphale worried she would be cold.

...I need to impress upon you how much this is NOT just a matter of being careless with company property. With this one act of kindness, Aziraphale is undermining the whole entire POINT of the expulsion from Eden. God Herself confronts him about it, and he lies. To God.

And the Serpent--

(Crowley, that is, who wonders what's so bad about knowing the difference between good and evil anyway; who thinks that maybe he did a GOOD thing when he tempted Eve with the apple; who objects that God is over-reacting to a first offense; who knows what it is to fall but not what it is to be comforted after the fact...)

--just goes ahead and falls in love with him about it.

As for Crowley --I barely need to explain him, right? People have been making the 'didn't the serpent actually do us a solid?' argument for centuries. But if I'm going to quote one of them, it may as well be the one Neil Gaiman wrote ficlet about:

"If the account given in Genesis is really true, ought we not, after all, to thank this serpent? He was the first schoolmaster, the first advocate of learning, the first enemy of ignorance, the first to whisper in human ears the sacred word liberty, the creator of ambition, the author of modesty, of inquiry, of doubt, of investigation, of progress and of civilization." --Robert G. Ingersoll

The first to ask questions.

Even beyond flattering literary interpretation, we know that Crowley is, so often, discreetly running damage control on the machinations of Heaven and Hell. When he can get away with it. Occasionally, when he can't (1827).

And Aziraphale loves him for it, too. Loves him back.

And so this romance plays out over millennia, where they fall in love with each other but also the world, because of each other and because of the world. But it begins in Eden. Where, instead of acting as the first Earthly example of Divine/Diabolical collusion and callousness--

(other examples --the flood; the bet with Satan; the back channels; the exchange of Holy Water and Hellfire; and on and on...)

--they refuse. Without even necessarily knowing they're doing it, they just refuse. Refuse to trivialize human life, and refuse to hate each other.

To write a story about the Serpent and the Sword falling in love is to write a story about transgression.

Not just in the sense that they are a demon and an angel, and it's ~forbidden. That's part of it, yeah, but the greater part of it is that they are THIS demon and angel, in particular. From The Real Bible's Book of Genesis, in the chapter where man falls.

It's the sort of thing you write and laugh. And then you look at it. And you think. And then you frown, and you sit up a little straighter. And you think.

And then you keep writing.

And what emerges hits you like a goddamn truck.

(...A lot of Pratchett reads that way. I believe Gaiman when he says Pratchett would have been happy with the romance, by the way. I really really do).

It's a story about transgression, about love as transgression. They break the rules by loving each other, by loving creation, and by rejecting the hatred and hypocrisy that would have triangulated them as a unified blow against humanity, before humanity had even really got started. And yeah, hell, it's a queer romance too, just to really drive the point home (oh, that!!! THAT!!!)

...I could spend a long time wildly gesturing at this and never be satisfied. Instead of watching me do that (I'll spare you), please look at this gif:

I love this shot so much.

Look at Eve and Crowley moving, at the same time in the same direction, towards their respective wielders of the flaming sword. Adam reaches out and takes her hand; Aziraphale reaches out and covers him with a wing.

You know what a shot like that establishes? Likeness. Commonality. Kinship.

"Our side" was never just Crowley and Aziraphale. Crowley says as much at the end of season 1 ("--all of us against all of them."). From the beginning, "our side" was Crowley, Aziraphale, and every single human being. Lately that's around 8 billion, but once upon a time it was just two other people. Another couple. The primeval mother and father.

But Adam and Eve die, eventually. Humanity grows without them. It's Crowley and Aziraphale who remain, and who protect it. Who...oversee it's upbringing.

Godfathers. Sort of.