slave-journal - Tumblr blog

[slave-journal]

Been meaning to make an update on here since the weekend. So here it is!

Master and I decided to take a break for the end few months because of some issues in our schedules and personal lives getting in the way. We're gonna reassess where we're at come june-ish. Until then, I'll be living freely and likely not writing in this journal. The journal may come back if Master and I get back into things post break.

[slave-journal]

Entry 64: Thursday, 4/14/22

I’m a day behind on my journaling again, but I think Master would be okay with that given that I still have been mostly on schedule, and within the every 2ish days pattern.

Anywho, not too much new stuff with Master. A lot of just getting through the day on my end, and it seems to be the same for him. So the thing I want to write about today is a bit different, but still in theme.

So back on Monday, the (now ex) girlfriend of a big name in one of my gaming communities came out and outed him as a sexual abuser, and released a 43 page statement against him. Needless to say, the community has been on fire since talking about the situation. I even went live spontaneously on twitch on Monday to go through the statement with people and provide a therapist’s point of view as we discussed the situation and allowed people to ask questions about how we can hold each other more accountable in the future, as men. 

I’ve been doing a lot of self reflection after this happened in the community, as I think everyone in the community should be doing. I’ve been reflecting on how I show up as both a dom, and making sure I don’t blur into any abusive patterns, as well as my role as a sub, especially one who has gone through sexual and mental abuse in the past. 

Reading through this woman’s statement and description of what had happened was somewhat triggering. Not TOO intensely, granted, which was a nice thing to notice. I wonder if part of that is because I found it harder to relate to someone in a straight relationship, but unsure.

Anyways, I had a lot of good reflection on my own and with my therapist on how I can show up as a dominant and be sure to minimize any negative impact. Was a good talk about what my own boundaries are, and how to adhere to them even in that role. I’ve been thinking a lot about my role as a sub, too. It seems… trickier to unpack. 

One of the things in the statement that she released was that she hated how he always treated her like she was dumb to boost his own ego. Which is something I picked up from my past perpetrators as well… but I’ve grown to like in the end. Not to say that she should enjoy it, but rather it makes me wonder… should I enjoy it? Is it disrespecting myself to get pleasure from bring treated like a dumb fucktoy? I’m able to recognize my intelligence as well, in fact I usually call myself “A ditzy smart guy.” I don’t think it’s inherently disrespectful to myself to enjoy that kind of thing, but I can’t help but feel a bit weird thinking that these turn ons come from these past unhealthy men, and haven’t worn off once they’ve left my life. I feel like part of that ties into the hypnosis, which is why I have such a bad taste in my mouth from the hypnosis. But I’m unsure.

Another example is thinking about the idea of consensual non-consent. I like the idea of benign used by guys however they want, disregarding my own enjoyment. Which in theory, on paper, isn’t kind to myself. But I do enjoy it generally. I think it’s important for me to keep in mind where my line is on the idea of consensual non consent, and to keep checking in with myself as I go to ensure that I feel comfortable in those situations. In the end, what’s most important is that I’m not trapped in the situations. Master has always been very good to me by making sure I don’t feel trapped.

Total Time: 10:43

~ PROPERTY OF MASTER ST ~

[slave-journal]

Entry 63: Tuesday, 4/12/22

I was meant to write this entry yesterday night, but was very busy with a sort of impromptu twitch stream that was very necessary. I went live as soon as I got home from work and was on camera until 12:30am. I elected to not do my journal entry and go right to bed, and to handle the entry today. I hope Master is okay with that, it’s one of the tricky parts of us having different sleep schedules. 

Master and I have been meaning to have a talk recently about what our future can look like with the changes in his schedule and availability. We were going to have a phone call yesterday, but then I got busy. I offered to call him today before my other livestream, but he suggested that we have a phone call this weekend instead. 

A bit bummed, considering that I was hoping to talk about meeting up this weekend, but of course that was a hope and not any sort of definitive plan. I think it does highlight how we definitely have gotten away from our usual every other week schedule. I think the phone call will be nice regardless, though. I’m eager to hear more about what Master has been thinking lately. If he feels that he doesn’t have time for me anymore, I’ll be sad, but I’ll be understanding. I wonder if Master would still want to be friends if that was the case, and if we could maintain that friendship without the kink dynamic as present. 

One thought I have regarding Master delaying our phone call… is that if it is a phone call that will end our relationship, I’d rather know sooner than later. I think that’s partly why I’m bummed that the call got delayed about a week. Ideally, I’d love to not be kept in ambiguity for that long, but it sounds like that’s just how it has to work given our schedules. 

Mind you, I’m not convinced Master will suggest we end things. I’m just trying to prepare myself for that possibility, so that I can respond in a way that’s mutually respectful to us both. 

Master seems to generally be more busy this week, though I’m also very busy this week so far. So perhaps it’s my business that’s leading to us not talking as much. I feel as though our conversations often end with him not replying to my most recent text, but that’s fine. 

Another thought on my mind that I talked about with my therapist today. As confident as I am, one of my lingering insecurities is worries that I’m being selfish. My therapist highlighted that I’m not selfish in a lot of relationships (quite the opposite), but I countered that I’ve been quite selfish in other relationships. I’m very intentional in my life to NOT be selfish in most relationships, and i do wonder sometimes if I’m being selfish with Master at times. I feel like the answer to that is no, since I do give a lot of myself to Master. But I do self reflect a lot about if me doing things like cumming excessively is me being selfish, as it goes against Master’s wishes, but may address my needs at the same time. Then again, is it a need, truly? Hard to say. Regardless, this is something I continue to think about long term

Total Time: 11:45

[slave-journal]

Entry 62: Saturday, 4/9/22

Today was fairly eventful. I woke up to a somewhat long text from Master explaining that he’s read my journal entries of the past few months all at once. He apologized for being so absent lately, and seems to want to make a change in that. He also told me that he wanted me to change my mark to a new statement.

Another thing that Master asked about was a sub I had wrote about a while ago. Let’s call him J. I had wrote before that J was a sub I knew from 2019 who’s been reaching out again, and happens to live closer to me now, and was eager to serve me. Master said he was eager to hear more, and thought it was hot to think about essentially having another slave through the extension of me in theory. I had to explain that this guy was another flakey sub who had stood me up way back in 2019, and hasn’t talked with me consistently even since reaching out. 

Funny enough, that sub reached out to me today. He told me he was in town and kept dropping hints that he wanted me to go to his hotel and use him. While yes, I was super horny and wanted to use him in that way, there were three issues. One, I was pretty busy today and didn’t have much time. Two, I had already gotten in trouble for cumming too much this week (more on that later). And Three, I don’t know how I could dom someone in my current physical state. I thought about it, and was thinking ok well he can’t really see my dick because it says “BELONGS TO SIR” right above it. And even if I have him give me a full body massage or something, he’s going to see my collar. Hell, he could see my collar and recognize it just from seeing it under my shirt. 

It’s tricky when subs hear I’m a switch. The ones I know better take it fine, but typically the ones I don’t know as well see it as a knock against my dom side. Especially if they know how intense I sub haha. Not sure how this guy would be, but even if he’s cool with it, I imagine it’d be difficult to give me a bj when he’s staring right at my mark. Might mess with the mood. 

I might need to talk with Master more about what that might look like… I don’t want this kind of thing to encroach on his desires for me as his slave, but I believe this is something he would want me to explore, for both of our benefits. Maybe the answer is finding a more fitting sub, and maybe the answer is reworking our situation. I’ll have to talk to him to find out.

Last thoughts for today. I came last night... While I blatantly knew I shouldn’t… I’m ashamed to admit it, but in the moment I just blatantly disregarded the rules Master has set for me. I even reached out to a friend like “ugh I wanna cum so bad, what do I do.” Of course he said not to. But he also asked “what kind of trouble will you get in if you do?” Which like… I flat out told him I didn’t expect to get in much trouble. Which is kind of what ended up happening. I told Master in the morning about my misbehavior and the most punishment I got was like “I’m disappointed.” Which don’t get me wrong, isn’t great to hear and is in some way a punishment. But I feel like I haven’t learned my lesson. I ended up asking Master if I could cum again today even, and got really horny and had to take a nap to sleep it off. Part of it is that it’s SUPER hard to control my orgasms when I’m unlocked. Maybe that means I need to get locked back up… I don’t know. I do wish I could cum freely, but Master says I’m not allowed to, and I don’t think I’m in any position to ask to cum more when it’s a luxury I haven’t exactly earned I don’t think. All in all, I’ve been having a hard time keeping myself from cumming, and I think that’s due to not being locked and not having proper punishment.

Total Time: 12:43

~ PROPERTY OF MASTER ST ~

[slave-journal]

Entry 61: Wednesday, 4/6/22

I have some new stuff to talk about today! Yay!

So Master and I had our kind of sparse talks throughout the day today. Fairly typical on that front. However, when I told him I had a fairly slow work day, he ordered me to get some of my other responsibilities done, such as working on my apartment hunting. I agreed that this was part of my plan as well. However, he ordered me to send him a screenshot of my todo list, and he would give me an amount he expected me to get done by tomorrow. My first reaction was something like ‘ugh! Now I have to actually be responsible” haha. The kind of thing that I know is good for me, but was bummed I couldn’t put things off. I wish that wasn’t my reaction, but oh well. Master never ended up giving me a proper amount of things he wanted to see done, but he had me check in with him, and says he wants to know how much I get done today. I plan to tell him tomorrow morning what all i got done, since I’ve been working on stuff all night. I wish I got more done, but I’m very happy with what I DID get done tonight. I was hoping to start apartment hunting more once I finished this journal entry, but I’m over an hour into my melatonin and it’s 1:30 am, so I’m probably going to fall asleep soon after I finish this entry. Thankfully, tomorrow is another slower work day, so hopefully  can get more stuff done at work and on personal time as well. 

To be honest, it felt REALLY nice to have these kind of orders from Master. It felt like he was taking charge of me, which is something I haven’t felt to this degree in a while. He’s taken charge in the way of like ordering me to suck his dick and stuff, but I haven’t had orders like this in a while. It felt comforting to have what essentially boiled down to chores from Master, and knowing that I had orders I could complete to please him. 

Other good news: my body has been starting to feel better! I don’t think I’m back to 100% yet, but I’m definitely getting there. I’m seeing my doctor on Friday, so I’m excited to hear what they think about my situation. I think i’ve found my ways to handle my newfound body struggles, and should be back to my usual in no time at this rate. I can’t wait! I think being unhealthy these past few weeks has left me feeling pretty lethargic, and of course in pain from time to time. It will be nice to be back at my 100% and fully functional both emotionally and sexually. 

I also talked with Master briefly about my concerns regarding his business and lack of time for being in control of me. He took it really well, and agreed we should have a talk about it. He asked to have some time before that conversation, so that he could finish out his busy week of budget meetings, which totally makes sense. I figure we might have a talk on Saturday or something about what’s been going on, and how our future can look. I always want to hear more of what my Master thinks, so I’m eager to see what he thinks about how I can fit into his life moving forward. 

All in all, stuff feels good right now! Which is a nice change, as I’ve been feeling upset lately, not to say that’s all because of Master or anything. I’m eager to continue my relationship with Master and take it to new heights if possible. I hope my optimism isn’t misplaced, and it can carry me (and Master) to a nice future.

Total Time: 10:14

~ PROPERTY OF MASTER ST ~

[slave-journal]

Entry 60: Monday, 4/4/22

I don’t have too much to add to these journals nowadays to be honest. But let’s see what I have today.

Not too much has been going on. I just wrote in my journal yesterday, and I didn’t talk with Master too much today. I was very busy today and Master seemed to be pretty busy with work, too. We maybe had 10 or so texts back and forth today just check in in throughout the day, but nothing that big. 

I’m hoping to talk with my therapist tomorrow about my relationship with Master and get some thoughts on how things are going. As I said in my last entry, I’m a bit worried that the stars are just… not aligning for me and Master at this point. As much as I think we both want it to work, it seems stuff just isn’t working with how our lives are going right. Primarily because of his home renovations seeming to make it almost impossible for me to visit, as well as his work taking up a lot of his time. 

When I think about myself being uncollared… it makes me feel uneasy. I can function on my own just fine. But it would feel so weird to not be collared anymore. I’ve worn a collar 24/7 for the past like 7 months or so, it would be weird to feel my neck without it. Like I’d be naked or something. 

One other concern I have when I look at a possible future where Master and i have to stop, is that I would feel really lonely, I think. I don’t have many friends in person nowadays because of moving mid pandemic and mid grad school. It rooted up my life to a new place at a time I couldn’t go out to meet new people. Master is a big part of my social life in person nowadays. The only other person I see regularly is a friend of mine who I’ve been feeling more distant from lately, too. Hell, I haven’t even seen him for almost a month now because he keeps canceling on me last minute. So if you don’t count Master visiting me on my bday, I haven’t had any social time with friends for almost a month now… If Master and I weren’t able to go forward I think I’d feel like I lost a big part of my life, sexually and socially. 

Mind you, I wanna reiterate that I don’t want things to end. I suppose I’m just thinking about how I’ll move forward if Master decides things need to end, or if when I talk to Master about this stuff directly that we come to that conclusion. This is more me thinking out how I’ll go forward if things come to that, rather than wishing it into existence.

Another thing that happened today. I was feeling kind of overwhelmed by work and life, and got a smidge emotional. Nothing big, just feeling really tired and needing support. I reached out to Master and he seemed… distant. It seems most of the support I get from him nowadays on things is like “Bummer. Sorry.” I imagine part of that is due to his own lower energy from business, but it’s hard to know. I feel that Master is fairly coy about showing his cards emotionally, so it’s hard for me to know how he’s feeling about things, or what his motivations are. As his slave, I wouldn’t say I’m entitled to those things or anything, but I do think it would make things easier, as a person with a long standing relationship with him. I’m hoping to talk with Master some time in the next week days once i get time and emotional energy. Maybe Wednesday, if not tomorrow. Here’s to hoping it goes well. 

Total Time: 12:10

~ PROPERTY OF MASTER ST ~

[slave-journal]

Entry 59: 4/3/22

For starters, this entry is late. I was meant to do it last night, but I was very exhausted after a day of birthday activities, and was somewhat emotional, so I elected to just finish the journal today. I realize I should’ve talked about this with Master, but it was when he was asleep, and I’ve been feeling very low energy this weekend due to being emotional and kind of sick physically.

Anyways. Like I said, I’ve not been feeling well this weekend for several reasons. My body is still feeling gross, and I had my bday yesterday. My bday ended up being more emotional than I was expecting, which has been less than ideal to say the least. Thankfully, Master came to visit me that day. I admit I was a bad host, though. Because of my stomach issues, I ended up resting most of the morning and hadn’t fully cleaned my apartment before he arrived. I was able to tidy up some things which felt nice, but one of the first things Master said when he came over was that the place looked very messy. I was pretty embarrassed to be honest. I also couldn’t do that much with Master as a host this weekend. Not only have I not gotten out much in my area because of covid, but with my physical issues lately I wasn’t able to properly commit to anything that sexual for festivities. Even when Master was here, I was having stomach cramps and trying to hide it. 

To be honest, Master seemed very bored when he was over… I don’t blame him really. Like I said, I wasn’t a great host, and I was somewhat bored as well because I wasn’t able to do much. Part of it is that Master and I don’t have much in common in the way of hobbies. We connect really well sexually, which is great, but when we have a more “low key”  hangout it’s hard to find things we both like. Even when Master and I went out to dinner together, I ended up being really quiet for a few reasons. For one, I was still in a bit of pain. And I was feeling very boring. It seemed somewhat like Master was only staying with me because he knew how much it would mean to me, rather than wanting to be there himself. Which I can’t fault him for if that’s the case. But didn’t feel amazing. Partly because none of my IRL friends wished me happy birthday. So to have my one IRL friend that said it (as much as I can call Master my friend) seem bored, I ended up being very in my head afterwards.

Thankfully, Master still found use for me when he came over. I got to give him a nice massage and suck him off. It seemed like Master really wanted to top me because he was grinding on me a lot, but he didn’t want to properly fuck my hole because of my Gi issues, which is probably for the best. I appreciate that, but do resent my body for continuing to have these issues.

One last thought I have, is I’m unsure about what the future holds for me and Master… I’ve been really looking forward to April 6th when Master said his work would slow down, but he mentioned that he thinks his work actually won’t slow down because he’s getting more responsibilities thrown his way. He’s also getting his house renovated on weekends, so he doesn’t seem comfortable having me visit him that much which I understand. But if he’s getting his house renovated for the next several months, and is also not going to have more time to talk while we’re apart… what can we do? It’s a sad though, to be honest. I do want stuff to work out. I just have this feeling that Master doesn’t have time for me anymore. It happens, I’m not mad or anything. Maybe just sad if that’s the case. I should probably talk with Master about this sometime soon, but my emotional energy feels very low right now. I’m hoping I’ll have the energy to have that discussion soon.

Total Time: 14:32

~ PROPERTY OF MASTER ST ~

[slave-journal]

Entry 58: Wednesday, 3/30/22

Not too much to share today. Master and I have had our daily check ins like usual, but not much else besides that.

One thing of note is that yesterday Master let me know we would need to rework our plans for this weekend. I was a bit bummed when he said that, to be honest. It makes sense, since he has some contractors working on his house that day, so he can’t exactly have me over to serve him openly. But I was bummed because of the circumstances, especially since I haven’t seen Master in about a month, and this was our plan for my bday. 

Master said we can still meet up thankfully, we will just have to readjust our plans. I’m glad he still wants to meet! He suggested we might be able to go to the bathhouse together that day. At first that sounded like a really fun idea, but then it dawned on me that I’ve been having GI issues lately, and bottoming might be tricky… especially if I was bottoming for a bunch of random men. I mentioned this to Master and he said we probably shouldn’t go. I suggested that maybe we could try seeing that other dom we’ve talked about doing a threesome with, since I could try taking just their cocks. But Master seemed to think that would be pushing myself too far. He might be right, to be honest. It’s just a bummer to not know what to do when I can see Master. I can blow him, massage him, etc… but not much more else I can do to serve him, or to do anything extra for my bday. 

I’m not usually someone who cares a lot about celebrating his bday, but I think I’m extra set on doing so this year because it’s been a bit since I’ve been able to celebrate it with people in my life because of the pandemic. It would mean a lot to me to spend that day with Master, which seems like will be the plan at least. Just not all too sure what we will end up doing.

I’m kind of mad at my body right now, too. Because of all the health stuff. I wasn’t able to see Master a couple weeks ago because I was having a herpes outbreak, and now I can’t do too much sexual stuff because for this GI situation… My body is being an obstacle to doing what I want, which is very frustrating. Thankfully, the stuff I’ve been doing with my doctor seems to be helping, but it’s very slow, and not solving all of it. It seems to be fixing the problem in SOME ways, but not making changes at all in other ways. 

I’m hoping I’ll have time to think about what else I can do with Master this weekend. My energy and time have felt sparse, like usual, but I hope I can come up with something. Either way, I’m looking forward to seeing Master this weekend, and eager to get to serve him. What more could I ask for on my birthday? :)

Total Time: 10:00

~ PROPERTY OF MASTER ST ~

[slave-journal]

Entry 57: Monday, 3/28/22

Not gonna lie, I had the hardest time remembering if today was a journal day. As if I haven’t done a journal every Monday for like 5 months… I really am a ditz sometimes haha.

Not a whole lot of new stuff has gone on lately with me and Master. I’ve not been too involved with sex lately, partly due to my recent health issues. I’ve been prioritizing those first and foremost, and they make sex somewhat difficult anyhow. 

I haven’t even been that active with whoring. Partly due to the health stuff, but also due to ending my chastity. It feels kind of wrong of me to serve other men while I’m not being kept in long term chastity. Master originally let me serve those other men because it would give me a sexual outlet while away from him. Which is fair and I appreciate. But now that my dick is unlocked… do I need that outlet? I don’t think so. Besides, I find myself fawning over Master even more than before. I’ve been hanging off his every word over text this past week or so, and am eager to serve him this weekend. It’s been too long since I’ve seen him!

Master also let me cum freely last week, and just had me record when I was orgasming… which was fun. But he never mentioned when I should end. I ended up having to stop myself when I knew my body was back to its “normal” and no longer feeling overly pent up from my long stint of chastity. I didn’t want to take advantage of Master’s kindness and cum more than I needed. Even now, I’m super horny and really wanting to cum, but I’m trying to save my one weekly orgasm Master allows me for when I truly can’t stand my horniness. Granted, Master never replied to my mention of thinking I should stop cumming freely, but I imagine he would be on the same page. I hope so, at least.

I’m hoping I can get more of my health stuff figured out before I see Master this weekend. I want to avoid having any obstacles in the way of serving him, and it would help me to feel more sexy to not have that stuff in the way. Might help me have more energy, too, since I’ve been feeling kind of low energy the past several days. Though I think part of that low energy comes from being so busy lately. I had like 18 things or so on my todo list this weekend, and had to go visit my parents, which is always very emotionally draining. That busy weekend paired with a busy Monday and other stressors I think has me tired out. I really wanna do what I can to make sure I have energy this weekend for Master, as well as one of the first birthdays I’ve celebrated in a while. 

I’ve been thinking more about what Master said before about me maybe benefitting from dating around again. I still don’t think that’s right for me, but I think I may have some feelings for a friend of mine online. It’s kind of annoying, since he lives so far away to be honest. But I found myself today wishing I could take him out, cuddle up with him, make out, etc. Boyfriend stuff. He’s very much the kind of guy I’d love to be with in that way, but it probably never will happen because of the distance. Which is fine, that’s how life goes sometimes. When I think about finding something similar to that connection here in Seattle, it feels a bit empty since I already have Master, and am not sure I’d want to date someone while having some feelings for this friend. Plus, with me moving soon, I’d probably want to at least wait until I move to have a better understanding of what area I will be in, though I don’t expect to move too far away. Regardless, I’m very happy in my role as Master’s property, and I look forward to spending my birthday by his side, and under his feet where I belong. Total Time: 11:36

~ PROPERTY OF MASTER ST ~

[slave-journal]

Entry 56: Saturday, 3/26/22

Today was kind of a weird day. I went to visit my parents, which is… never that fun. Mostly because of dad being so uncomfortable all the time to be around. Today, I wore a tanktop. My ditzy brain didn’t even think about the fact that that would leave my collar SUPER exposed until I was halfway to their house. I figured it wouldn’t matter much since my parents had both seen the thicker collar I’ve had since December, and might’ve made a small comment about it here and there, but nothing too big.

Today though, my dad gave me another weird look and asked “what the hell is that around your neck?” As if we haven’t had this talk three times before. I turned on actor mode and explained it was something I’ve worn since starting my business to remind myself to “stay locked” on my new life goals and remain focused. I also reminded him that I’ve told him that several times now. He sort of squinted his eyes and raised an eyebrow at me, and after a pause replied “I’ll buy that.” I just raised my eyebrow back and replied “I don’t know what you think I’m selling” to further support my lie. I’m not sure if he knows about what it actually is or not. He’s a pretty sexual guy, so I wouldn’t be shocked. But he doesn’t seem kinky enough to be aware. Thankfully my mom is too innocent to even have an inkling, and just happily supports my new motivational necklace. Reminds me of when my dad grilled me all the time about if I was dating my best friend and his bf, because I would be somewhat touchy with my best friend. I honestly told him that I wasn’t dating them, but little did my dad know that we had a lot of threesomes. Oops!

Anyways, we went out to lunch today as a sort of early birthday celebration. It wasn’t too noteworthy besides my dad being severely annoying like always, but as I left this one family was staring me down hard. Big judgemental energy. I tried to avoid eye contact but still look at them enough to understand what was going on. It seemed like this suburban woman and her husband were both like, glaring at me, as I left the restaurant. I know it wasn’t anything about my behavior since I kept quiet most of lunch today. I was wondering if they were also judging me for the collar. If not that, my only other guess would be that I was in a tanktop as it was raining out (thanks Washington weather). But I imagine that would be more a look of confusion, not judgement. I think it’s safe to assume they were judging me for my collar. Whatever, it doesn’t have me feeling pressed or anything. Just annoying that people care so much. God forbid I wear a unique necklace! Not in your Christian Suburbs!!!

I’m so glad I don’t live in that area anymore. Jesus Christ. Seattle, as well as other more liberal areas I’ve lived in washington, have felt so much more comfortable and accepting. It can be shocking seeing how unaccepting things are back home. It’s not wildly shocking, knowing how growing up in that area was, but you would think things would be smoother ten years later. Whatever, conservative people aren’t keeping up with the worlds’ social needs.

Anyways, last thought of the night. Master flew off to California for a work conference today. I think he’s there most of the wee, so I’m not sure how much we will be able to talk. I’m going to see Master a week from today, on my birthday, as long as he is still free that day. I’m excited to see him again since it’s been like over a month, and it’ll be nice to get even closer to April 6th, when Master’s work slows down.

Total Time: 13:20

~ PROPERTY OF MASTER ST ~

[slave-journal]

Entry 55: Wednesday, 3/23/22

Master is letting me cum more! I’m kind of shocked. I asked Master if I could have a period of time to cum freely to sort of reorient my body to being out of chastity, and he agreed to let me do it. I figured he would at most allow me a couple of days to cum, or maybe give me one weekend day to just go at it non stop to get all my horniness out. But he said he just wanted me to create of log of when I cum. He didn’t say how long he will allow it for, or how many times I’m allowed to cum. I’m a bit worried he won’t be checking my log frequently because of how busy he is, and therefore won’t stop me from cumming soon. I’m thinking I might take another day or two to cum freely then ask him if I can no longer have that privilege.

It’s a bit odd, feeling like I need to restrict myself of my privileges… I think that’s a sign that I feel Master is too easy on me. I do wish he would tell me no more often, or just generally be more strict. Though I recognize that being strict comes with the promise to keep me accountable and/or punish me if I misbehave, which takes more time from Master’s busy schedule. Like most things nowadays in our relationship, I think this mostly ties back to Master’s busy schedule making things harder to manage these past several months.

Speaking of which, April 6th is so close! I can’t wait until Master has more free time again. Of course, I don’t expect to get all of that time to myself, that’s ludacris, but I’m excited to have more availability to talk with him and serve him. Not to mention I’m excited to see him have less stress on his plate from work. Master has been working so hard for his non-profit this year, and I sometimes worry that he’s being overworked by them, albeit paid pretty well it seems. I’m looking forward to seeing Master in a mental space where there isn’t as much work stress keeping him down consistently.

I’m also a bit frustrated with my body right now. Not in a self conscious body image way, more like a health way. In the past 2 weeks, I’ve had a herpes outbreak, severely burned my mouth, and have developed some form of IBS. Literally both of my holes are NOT having a good time. Makes me feel really unsexy. Again, not in a way of self conscious feelings, more so in the way of my body feels adverse to sex right now because of these health concerns. Not to mention doctors have me on a dairy free diet for the next 3 weeks because of my GI issues… that’s no fun. Especially since I won’t be able to have any fun food on my birthday now! I suppose I’m seeing Master that day, so maybe I can get a BLTA at our go to restaurant or something. I’ll figure it out when I get there, but overall bummer.

Speaking of my body, I mentioned before that I want to focus in more on growing my body to my goals. I’m seeing some progress, but its very slow and inconsistent. I think what I need is some kind of gym membership, dance class, etc. Something consistent that I can rely on to get me my exercise that’s not going to be at home where I’m amidst a bunch of distractions. I think I can afford a gym membership now after going through my tax season at work, but since I’m moving in a couple of months, I might want to wait until I know where I’ll be living before I commit to any gym. I’ve been debating trying to find some of those guided workouts on youtube to help me out for the time being while at home, but my lil 225 sq ft studio doesn’t have much space for an actual workout like that, so I’m not sure if that’s the solution. I might look into it more this weekend once I get fully caught up on my responsibilities (if all goes as planned). I’m looking forward to seeing how my body develops as I continue to put the work into it.

Total Time: 13:10

~ PROPERTY OF MASTER ST ~

[slave-journal]

Entry 54: Monday, 3/21/22

I’ve been feeling increasingly dominant lately. Which I’ve written about before, but it’s been growing. Uh oh? Haha. 

I spent a lot of tonight talking to a sub I knew briefly back in 2019. He lives close to Seattle, which is nice now that I’ve moved to the area. Needless to say, he’s VERY eager to meet up and serve me. It’s sweet. If I’m being honest, I spent most of the night fantasizing about using him. I ended up having to blow my load after talking with him for so long, and reading porn in my off time tonight. I’d say it was worth my orgasm for the week that Master will allow me now that my chastity is over.

I’ve been wondering… now that I’m out of my cage, will Master allow me to do stuff like this? I think it does detract from my submissive mindset, but I’m not sure what his thoughts on that would be. I think It might make my devotion to Master be less since I’d be overall less submissive feeling, but Master seems to want me to have other relationships in my life. I’m curious what he will think when he reads this entry.

Not to mention, I’m not sure how things would work considering I’m still collared and marked. It’d be a bit awkward to have a sub blow me when it says “OWNED SLAVEBOI” right above my dick haha… I don’t think I want to stop being marked, since that’s been maybe the oldest tradition Master and I have had, but I’m unsure about how I’d achieve that. I’d have to potentially tell these subs that I’m also owned, which could be… interesting to say the least.

I imagine when I meet up with Master and am treated like the slave I am in real life, my brain might re-center around my submissive nature. It’s something that’s happened before in the past, and I wouldn’t be shocked to see happen again. I’m curious to see how that works out, though I’m not sure when I will see Master next, besides possibly my birthday.

Another thing worth sharing, is that Master did something small that made me really happy today. Per usual, I sent him my good morning text. I noticed he hadn’t replied for a few hours, but assumed he was just busy at work. Lo and behold, he eventually replied with something along the lines of “Hey!! Sorry, super busy today. Can’t talk. Looking forward to talking to you later!” It might not seem like much, but there was something about his excitement that really made me feel good. It didn’t feel like he was messaging me because he had to, more because he wanted to talk about things. He said something else later in the evening that was similar in energy that felt nice, too. It really made me feel cared for and valued by Master, which of course are nice feelings.

I really have been wanting to focus in on my working out more, too. I’ve been wondering if I should invest in a gym membership, though that’s probably a plan I should start once I move apartments in May. Either way, I’ve been really wanting to tone my body back up, the desire to do so growing day by day. I’ve been super sore from the HIIT workout I did this weekend, but once that goes away I’m going to focus more intently on working out. Envisioning myself as a muscle bound stud makes me feel all horny, and even more dominant if I’m being honest. That being said, I can absolutely see myself as a musclebound himbo serving my Master as his devoted slave, living his best life. Either way, I look forward to what my future holds in general kink as well as muscle development.

Total Time: 11:57

~ PROPERTY OF MASTER ST ~

[slave-journal]

Entry 53: Sunday, 3/20/22

A lot happened yesterday, oh my god!

So going in chronological order… first, Master and I had a lovely phone call in the middle of the day. We treated it like one of our hot tub talks, where we could check in on how things are going and figure out what to do moving forward. Master and I each shared some stuff about how we were feeling and what goals we had for the future. Master  pointed out that we’ve been in a bit of a rut lately. Which, was sad to hear, but I can’t deny that. It’s definitely something I’ve been feeling too, but was a bummer to have it be out in the open like that. Thankfully, I think we found ways to work forward from this point. One thing that Master mentioned that really excited me is that his schedule will return to normal on April 6th! That’s so soon! He said all the crazy budgeting stuff will be over and he will have more time. I’m so excited to see how things feel once we get back to have more time. I think I’ll have more time to because March will be over. Can’t wait! 

Also, Master said I should end my chastity and I agreed. My cage hasn’t been fitting right for the past few weeks, and causing more issues that positives. It’s gotten to feel just… not fun lately. I asked Master if I could stay locked until my birthday, April 2nd, and he agreed, though said he would allow me to end before then if I so chose. Not to jump ahead, but I ended up coming home that day with really intense blue balls, and decided to fix it by making myself cum. I’m very proud to have gone 3 and a half months, way above my previous records! And I have a lot of room to improve if I want to go for another long term period. 

I also served two guys yesterday. The first guy was one that I don’t like all that much, but he makes me feel good and I make him feel good. Today he worked a lot on me with pain stuff. It might have been the most pain a man has subject me to this far into my life. It got to a point when he was caning me that I begged for mercy, which I don’t think I’ve ever done. When I did, he said I needed two more whacks and then he would finish. He ended up hitting me with it 3 more times… I was very much in pain afterwards. The remainder of the day, whenever he would run his hand over my ass just savoring my body, I’d whimper and pull away form his hand, worried he was going to spank me. He noticed, but handled it very poorly. His way of handling it was saying “I promise to not spank you. See?” then he raised his hand like he was about to spank me, which made me whimper more. He didn’t seem to like my response. But he was, frankly, handling it dumbly. I’m kind of over him, and am tempted to just cut him out of my life from that amongst other awkward things, like him trying to start arguments twice during intimate times.

The second guy, however, went much better. This was the guy who has been trying to reinforce my past trophy boy stuff. I think he understands that trophy boy stuff is touchy for me, and has backed off from that, but still treats me the same way, but without that label. He has me help him with dinner while in just a jockstrap and an apron. And while it cooked, he had me do a HIIT workout with him. He was very worn out after the workout, but I was proud to handle the workout well, and look sexy in the process with my muscles moving. After we had dinner, he had me give him a full body massage, which led into me cuddling with him and worshiping his body. I was talking through to him all the little tricks I’ve known about how to help a man relax and make his body tingle with pleasure, from all the details with massage, body worship, to finger tracing. It made me proud to see how much of an expert I was at making men feel good. Can still learn more of course, but I’m proud of what I know. He then had me give him a foot rub while he read till he was ready for bed. I ended up massaging him for almost 2 hours. He was surprised by my stamina, but I didn’t even feel tired after all of that. I truly felt empty headed, with no thoughts crossing my mind. Just mindfully in the moment focusing on his body and making him feel good. It was very relaxing for me, and nice to hear how much he enjoyed it.

I’m looking forward to when I can next seen Master. It’s been so long and I’m craving his touch and his power. I want to be able to use these skills to benefit him directly, as he deserves!

Total Time: 14:31

~ PROPERTY OF MASTER ST ~

[slave-journal]

Entry 52: Wednesday, 3/1/22

These past few days have been… different haha. For some reason I’ve been feeling a lot more dominant… I’ve even started posting more on my old dom blog again on tumblr. I’m not super sure what it is. I find that around springtime I tend to feel more dominant, which I suppose ties into the increase in daylight and better mood I have. But I also think that Master having me stroke my cock for him the other day has my brain really craving dick stimulation. Honestly, the vision of me fucking someone right now has been turning me on a lot the past several days, or pinning him down and savoring his body… These are feelings I have rarely from time to time, but it’s one of the first times I’ve had these feelings while owned. Last time I had these feelings, I met up with Master and my brain was freshly reset to my submissive ways. I wonder if that will happen again when I see him next. 

Even now I’ve been talking to this cute Canadian sub most of the night. I’ve found myself fantasizing about using him in a variety of ways. It’s tricky to have those feelings and act that way while locked in chastity… but I manage to make it work. It’s almost funny how I get horny from these talks, and since I’m locked my brain tells me to go ride my dildo haha. It’s like “oh yeah? You’re feeling dominant? Go bottom about it, whore.” 

I wonder how it would feel to be an alpha sub in a triad situation. Like if Master had another slave, who I was also in charge of secondarily. I don’t think Master would like this much as he feels pretty overwhelmed by business lately as it is to my understanding, but who knows.

…Actually, now that I think about it, that might be one of the few ways I could in theory have a boyfriend while serving Master. Not that that’s the route I want to take. But it is an interesting reflection. It does sound hot to have a sub bf who is also owned by Master. 

In other news, I had to cancel the meetup I had with a guy tonight. It was a big bummer. I’ve had a cold sore the past few days and while it’s not painful much anymore, it’s still there and we likely wouldn’t be able to do oral. I offered to stick to my hands and ass, but the Sir said he would rather wait until he could use my mouth, too. Thankfully he was pretty understanding, albeit bad at texting. I’m not sure when I’ll be able to see him, maybe sometime this weekend if I don’t end up seeing Master during that time. I offered to meet with him tonight still to just cuddle and get to know each other more, but he stopped replying. I figured he would bite at that, but I guess not. Seems he’s solely looking for sex. Which is fine, but I continue to be on the lookout for a possible cuddle buddy.

I guess in respect to that cuddle buddy hunt, I’ve been messaging a couple other subs I find on recon. So far almost none have replied to me. I think the issue is that my recon profile is very… submissive. So they think I’m reaching out to them for them to fuck me, which isn’t what THEY’RE looking for. I might need to add an addendum to my profile like “chastity whore or cuddle buddy” in my header or something. That might help the other subs in the area see that I’m also open to just making cute subby friends. It’d be nice to get a buddy like that so that I could have more friends in the area, especially ones that are familiar with kink. Not to mention, it’d be fun to have buddies in the area I could be intimate with, and who I could hopelessly grind my caged crotch on. In time, it will come!

Total Time: 10:26

~ PROPERTY OF MASTER ST ~

[slave-journal]

Entry 51: Tuesday, 3/15/22

I was meant to do this journal entry yesterday, but my sleep schedule got really messed up and I passed out as soon as I got home from work essentially, so Master let me write it today instead.

I also want to first say that the entry I’m planning to write today might seem more negative, but I don’t intend it to be that way. I admit I worry about Master reading my journal and seeing my contemplation of things that feel lacking, and therefore thinking that I find the relationship unfulfilling. That’s not the case, I just use this journal often to write about the stuff that I think I might want to see change, so that generally will skew more towards stuff with a somewhat negative lens. 

Anyhow, getting into things. I’ve been finding lately that I’ve been feeling… less motivated for kink. I still really enjoy it, but it’s been harder to have drive to keep up with things. Updating my mark, staying locked, etc. I think a large reason is that this month is really stressful for several reasons. March will undoubtedly be my busiest work month thus far, and I’m in the process of making some somewhat bigger purchases and moving soon, as well. On top of all of that, I’m feeling exhausted today because of the extreme shift in my sleep schedule last night, I imagine me feeling low energy as I write this makes things feel even less motivating in this specific moment. 

I think another reason things have felt less motivating is I have felt like Master is less involved in my life lately. Even before, when I was more actively being whored out, Master was more involved in my life deciding who could use my holes. But now that I’ve slowed down with whoring out, most of our chats are just “good morning, how are you?” and ending after maybe 2 or 3 texts per person in the morning. It reminds me a bit about a sub I had several years ago. I had him doing a lot of things for me, and at one point he got mad at m saying he felt like he was doing everything and I wasn’t providing him anything. It shocked me at the time, but he had a point. I don’t think Master is like, doing nothing for me, but I definitely feel him less present in my life. Part of that likely comes from us having canceled our meet up this last weekend. I find the longer I go without seeing Master, the harder it is to motivate myself to be good. I imagine it would be easier if we talked more when away, but it gets difficult to remember my motivations when they aren’t as present. 

I’m hoping to have a chat with Master over the phone or something soon to talk about how things are going, and to see if things can change for us. Whether that’s more talking, different rules, or new activities we can do. I know there’s a way to fix things, I’m just not sure what that is without hearing what Master feels he’s able to do as well.

I think another difficult thing in this situation is I don’t really know where Master’s head is at. Master seems to only be open about how he’s feeling with me when he’s concerned for me, and he’s fairly short with what he shares. It makes it hard to know what he wants to see in the relationship as well. What he likes about it, what he thinks should change, etc. I suppose that’s why I always enjoyed our talks in the hot tub after our days together. Not only were they intimate, but it helped us to communicate about the pros and cons of our relationship and what might be beneficial to work on the next few weeks. We haven’t had one of those hot tub nights in like… maybe a month and a half? I think I feel a bit lost with how he’s feeling as a result. Especially, as Master says, he’s not the most communicative over text.

I’m hoping Master and I can have that chat soon, as I want to know how he’s feeling, express how I’m feeling, and find a way to help us feel more fulfilled in the long run.

Total Time: 11:27

~ PROPERTY OF MASTER ST ~

[slave-journal]

Entry 50: Saturday, 3/12/22

Entry 50! Wow, that’s cool to see.

Jumping into writing. Today I was meant to see Master, but we ended up canceling because I wasn’t feeling well after some health issues this week. I was wanting to meet with Master, but he suggested I stay home to rest. Of course, he was right. I really enjoyed today as a day for a lot of free time, as well. Plus, he ended up feeling bad from allergies during the day, too. I’m glad things worked out how they did, but I hope I can see Master again sometime soon. Master mentioned that he will be in Seattle a bit for work over the next few weeks, so we might be able to meet up during one of those days. I hope so! I really look fondly on the last time Master met with me in Seattle. I forget what was happening that day, but I was feeling upset by stuff going on that day. Master spontaneously picked me up and had me accompany him for his errands, and we got dinner together. It was really nice. I suspect Master would want to show me the local bathhouse if we met up in Seattle, which I would like a lot, but I would also really enjoy a night just being Master’s arm candy and boytoy.

Master also let me be unlocked for the day, he said I would benefit for some time out of my cage. However, he had me send him some videos of me edging myself. I was so horny, it was so hard not to cum… it got to a point where I was simply READING porn and not touching myself, and almost came from it. I had to start edging myself with the story rather than my hand, since the mental stuff was getting me so close. 

It was also a bit weird to see my dick unlocked and so hard… I sometimes forget how big my dick is. I mean, it’s not giant or anything, but it’s pretty thick and around 7 inches I think. I showed some pics to my friends (and Master of course) and they were pretty impressed. It makes me wanna top… or stroke… or something. It’s weird, it’s almost like I want to make my dick feel good because my brain sees it and thinks “I need to make big dicks feel good.” Normally, that’s a lesson that would be used to please other men, but it feels like my brain is applying it to myself. Not a good or bad thing, just something I’ve noticed.

Oh, one other thing! Going back to the cancel of the meet up today. Master was saying earlier this week that we would have a fairly serious talk when we met up about what he felt I needed in my life. Since we didn’t meet up today, we didn’t get to have that chat. I’m really curious to hear what Master had to say. We did have a bit of a serious talk on Tuesday over text, but I know Master prefers to talk in person. I think, no matter what, I know that Master cares for me very much and that I care for him very much, too. I hope to continue to dedicate part of my life to pleasing him and serving him as his loyal and devoted boytoy and slave.

Total time: 12:02

~ PROPERTY OF MASTER ST ~

[slave-journal]

Work to be presentable