sleepatterns

[sleepatterns]

i keep thinking about it so i know i need to just get it out somewherre

it sucks because we were so sure we were over the feeling of betrayal for the most part but actually seeing his mom and talking to her a bit and then getting hit with the feeling of Oh shit yeah this is the woman. and now im back to just wishing i could go back to when i at least thought she was one of the adults i could rely on because i miss her so much

[sleepatterns]

not really being able to eat in front of people at times is not very fun. we were miserable pretty much the whole day and being around too many people made us very overwhelmed and panicked, hence why we did not really eat. suffering the consequences of that right now because holy fuck i am so hungry

[sleepatterns]

we really dont know what to do. we’ve been trying to understand why exactly we are like this, but the bigger struggle is trying to figure out how to fix that. long ass fucking rant below. i think we’ve said this before but wow writing things does help us process our emotions and feel slightly better

the not doing well alone thing has been gradually getting worse over a few years. the isolation we endured living with our grandparents really fucked us up a lot. years before we left we started noticing a decrease in how long we could handle being alone after we started being allowed to go more places, and especially after we could drive. after we left it got so much fucking worse at a much quicker pace. we have absolutely no fucking clue what to do about it. especially with how hard it makes it to sleep. we start to feel so restless and panicked. it fills us with such a huge amount of dread and anxiety and paranoia, its so difficult for us to handle in many ways. typically in texas we either stay awake until it feels literally impossible to keep our eyes open or get max to front. he seems to be able to handle it better, is actually able to go to sleep, and is the main person who fronts when in texas at this point. however right before we left texas he seemed to be struggling more with that too. mostly because of delusions.

speaking of delusions, we are very hesitant to call them that. we aren’t exactly sure what else to call it, though. if there is a better term for whatever the hell we are experiencing i would love to know it. whatever it is, thats been getting worse too. part of the reason we are hesitant to call it delusions is because we are aware they happen. not necessarily in the moment, however there are times where we think “this has happened before and it wasnt real and logically this could not be possible” but it still FEELS like it is, despite any attempt at reasoning to ourselves that its not. sometimes it makes us wonder we are even actually a system or if thats just another result of whats causing the delusions or whatever the fuck they are. i supposed there could be more constant delusions that we are unaware of, tho im not sure. they do seem to be worse when we are by ourselves, which does not help our fear of being alone at all.

thinking about this more further convinces us that we probably need to be medicated or at the very least get more intensive therapy (honestly probably both). another slight issue though is that there are a few of us who do not want to be medicated and it is very hard to convince then that it would probably help.

our therapist did say it was expected that we would develop new trauma responses and maybe get worse in some ways as we are now in a place that allows us to properly process the trauma, and we are no longer in survival mode constantly. but holy shit we did not expect this.

its really difficult to not be hard on ourselves about all of this. every time we open up about anything the thought “youre just making excuses for your behavior” slaps us in the face and makes us feel awful because that is absolutely not what we are trying to do. our goal is hoping that our perspective is more understood by whoever we are talking to, and that they are aware that we are aware that we are kinda fucked up and are actively trying to figure out how to unfuck ourselves (albeit, pretty fucking slowly and with varied results).

its also hard for us to overcome trust issues with stuff, such as believing that what people are saying is actually what they mean. thanks for that, grandma. despite KNOWING that whatever the person is saying may be truthful, well meaning, positive, or whatever our brain never fails to try and twist it to be like “wow they just basically said they hate you and never wanna see you again”. its something we are very aware of and try to ignore but its so hard to not have those thoughts

our grandparents should rot in hell we would probably be less miserable if it wasnt for those fuckers. it feels like we are constantly paying for the mistakes of others and are trying to fix something that we dont fully understand or know how to fix

[sleepatterns]

events from our past have been really setting in recently and its greatly upsetting. our therapist told us that this is to be expected as we have only very recently felt actually safe enough to properly process trauma, which is good i suppose but it still kinda sucks

we did not fully realize how much our constant state of fight-or-flight really was affecting our perception of the situation we were in. in ways, we feel like we could handle more when we were living with our grandparents. being alone is one. we could stay in our room at that house for days without leaving and be fine. now, if we’re the only person in a house for too long, or even room, we start to panic. we could have screaming matches with our grandma and while yeah we felt fucking awful afterwards, i think we would handle it MUCH worse now. i cant tell if we’re angry about what we went through or just fucking sad or both. while there was a stove in the house, there was no way in fucking hell we were risking seeing our grandpa so we’d always cook at night. at some point, we didnt even feel comfortable doing that. there was the toaster and portable stove in our grandmas bathroom after a point. but still, getting ourselves to be around her long enough to get food was a struggle. and just the thought of us having to use a makeshift kitchen in a fucking bathroom. hfhhg what the fuck. random side note, unsure if related to grandparents, we deeply struggle with making food around Anyone or eating around people we are only somewhat familiar with. strangers and people we feel very comfortable with are fine, but anything in between? fuck no. god the constant feeling of dread because every moment felt as if our grandma was a second away from bursting in angry. one of the biggest things that affected us was accusing us of lying. despite our best efforts to prove to her that we were, in fact, being truthful she would not fucking budge. it was so frustrating feeling like no matter how much evidence we gave we were still just a fucking liar. god, and the fucking times there was no evidence to give. like, how the fuck were we supposed to prove that we didnt record our grandpa in the shower when the only evidence she had was that she absolutely insisted she saw it on the news? like what the fuck are you supposed to do about that, tell her that she didn’t actually see it on tv? because that didnt fucking work. it just makes us feel the need to always have a detailed explanation for things we do otherwise we’re fucked, and even if we do have an explanation we still might be fucked. we just keep realizing ways that living there has affected us and trauma responses and it has not been very fun. i mean, at least we’re in a place now where we can actually process all the shit that happened? ughuridh. going from not feeling loved or cared for to fucking This is so nice but so scary because losing it is terrifying. this is what we’ve wanted for so long and its so so fucking scary

so much fucking more we want to say but i think its best we stop before we start getting even more upset

[sleepatterns]

analyzing our own trauma can be fun sometimes (barely) anyway this is about food in a not disordered way (said genuinelyish. not disordered in the usual way i guess? idfk)

having very little amount of money for groceries for an unknown amount of time at our grandparents definitely fucked with us. especially when we were scolded for spending too much. whenever we eat something we did not personally buy we feel so guilty for it. mentally it feels like food is scarce, and that by us eating it then we are practically stealing from someone else. and when we do eat, not finishing it feels so awful too because we feel like we wasted money. we know that they can just go to the store when they need something and they aren’t restricted by a very limited amount of money. but the feeling of not knowing when we’ll be allowed to go to the store next and not knowing how much money we’ll have has been so engrained in our mind that is it genuinely a struggle to not think that literally everyone else is the same

[sleepatterns]

things our mom said to us have been rotating in our brain so much its not fun. we kinda think we’re overreacting about how bad it was and shes probably right but it still fucking hurts a lot

today has been. hnngngnfhskakdhhhhhh so many weird feelings and not fun thoughts. things our mom said to us + going back to grandparents house was a weird combination. also the conversation we had with our mom had the exact Opposite effect of what she was intending i think because wow holy shit we feel so so fucking awful

[sleepatterns]

past few days we have very much felt like we are fully incapable of being loved and cared about. which rationally of course is not true and we feel stupid for thinking like that which makes us feel even worse and ironically, even more unloveable. admittedly a big source of us feeling like shit currently is because of our mom and things she says to us at times. then we feel awful for even feeling bad about it because in comparison she is so much fucking better than our grandma. we have also been very triggered about certain things too but that seems to have subsided to normalish levels.

[sleepatterns]

we have not been sleeping very well at all and so many headaches. and a nausea including migraine we are having so much fun

[sleepatterns]

today has been. hnngngnfhskakdhhhhhh so many weird feelings and not fun thoughts. things our mom said to us + going back to grandparents house was a weird combination. also the conversation we had with our mom had the exact Opposite effect of what she was intending i think because wow holy shit we feel so so fucking awful

[sleepatterns]

yeah we absolutely want to go back to colorado immediately and would right this fucking second if we could, but we are also half convinced and scared that he doesnt actually want us there ever again so thats. fun

[sleepatterns]

feel awful i think we should buy more hair dye

[sleepatterns]

mreow

talked to our therapist a Lot about this in todays session. she said our feelings about dog is understandable. she also said that in the years she’s known us, this is the happiest and healthiest shes seen us and thinks it would be in our best interest to Fucking Leave Texas. talking to her did make us feel so much better about our feelings about everything

bhfhffhhh

i hate thinking about things god fhfiuckk. we dont wanna leave colorado at fucking all. we are infinitely happier here and even the thought of going back to texas is enough to make us feel like sobbing. here we actually fucking do things. this is the most consistently we’ve eaten ever in our memories. we’ve showered more than we usually do and we absolutely fucking brush our teeth more. hell, we didnt even take our toothbrush out of our fucking travel bag in between the last trip to colorado and this one. we’re just in general so much fucking happier. it feels like we’re just constantly miserable in texas, other than going skating maybe. all we fucking do is lay in bed. we dont have the energy to do shit, we cant even manage to get ourselves to play video games or watch movies. it feels like the only other thing we ever do with our free time there is driving to different stores and spending all of our damn money. we’ve realized we would rather live in colorado without our dog than in texas with her. it feels awful putting that into words. we love her so, so fucking much but we also cannot stand that fucking city anymore. its not like we even do much with her there. we feel so fucking guilty about it but there are days where we don’t interact with her at all because we just cant get ourselves to do anything in general. it just sucks there so much. the entire time we’re in texas we’re just painfully waiting until we have the next opportunity to go to colorado

[sleepatterns]

this shit is so fucking stupid. i dont want us to look back years later and think “ah yes, 18. the year i gave my blood, sweat, and tears to fucking PANERA BREAD”. there is no fucking reason for us to be working over 40 hours a god damn week. so what if our manager is fucking stressed and tired?? how is that our fucking problem he literally did that to himself???? genuinely what the fuck did he expect after firing like 11 people when we had what, 22 employees before including both managers?? im going to strangle some of my headmates i swear to fucking god STOP PICKING UP SHIFTS FUCK

[sleepatterns]

admittedly we have been using work as a coping mechanism in a way. when our mom was out of town especially, as we did not like being alone in the house in the slightest. we havent been doing good at all mentally for a couples weeks now (especially the past few days where it seems like max fronts almost every time we’re alone) and have been trying to get more hours to distract from it and we are honestly not sure if its making it worse. at this point we’re giving up doing things we did like to do outside of work. admittedly it wasnt all that much but still. we just dont fucking know what to do at this point

[sleepatterns]

we’ve started realizing we are unhappier living in this city than we originally thought. the past week we have felt more content and loved than we have in a very long time, if not ever. our therapist said that even through the video we seemed to be more at peace than she had ever seen us before. we dont want to be in texas, how are we supposed to be fine with being here knowing that being in colorado has made us happier than we ever expected we would be? its so depressing laying here alone when for the past week we have been in bed next to the ones we love more than anyone else we’ve ever known and also a window with the view a huge ass fucking mountain instead of this shitty flat landscape. the one singular thing that makes us feel like we cant leave is our dog, if there is some way that we could take her with us then we would be ready to move out of this god awful place immediately

[sleepatterns]

i dont like feelings very much sometimes this is the wrong type of silliness

love when we’re having a good silly time and suddenly brain decides Hm no actually! sexual trauma thought attack

[sleepatterns]

trying to understand that “unhealthy mentality stemming from trauma (and probably our menstrual cycle) that we absolutely do not like about ourselves and are actively trying to work through so it will not impact relationships with people we care deeply about” does NOT equal “horrible terrible evil toxic person who manipulates everyone around them and makes everyones life worse”