sleepinsomniac

[sleepinsomniac]

3/15/2023

Today was very chill but means it was also very forgettable. I couldn't tell you a single unique thing I did. Fortunately I wasn't to sad or depressed. Spent a good amount of time playing music and even went for a walk with Bun Bao (my dog)

I felt more stable today but I wouldn't really count that as a win in my books yet. My mood is so random and so unstable and until I can get a grasp on it I don't want to take it as a win yet.

I have a LARP event this weekend (Midreign 70) and I am actually pretty excited about even though I don't really wanna socialize but I think it will be a good change of pace from my extreme self isolation. I spent a majority of this prior weekend in my house in my room and just let the grief kind of all hit me at once.

Anywaus this day felt very meh instead of depressing as all fuck so maybe a step in the right direction?

[sleepinsomniac]

03/14/2023

Hey Tumblr; it’s ya boy.

A lot has happened recently in my life and I wanted a space to write it all down in a space that not many people know that I have. 

This is not me asking anyone for help, and this is not me saying that I am going to kill myself or anything like that although I will be talking about my mental state on a (hopefully) day-by-day timeline.

Again, please don’t take my posts as a cry for help. This is something I want to do to really let my thoughts simmer and improve my mental health.

I broke up with my girlfriend two months ago, although, I feel as if I was out of the relationship since as early as October 2022. Things had taken a turn for the worst and I could not mentally handle it anymore and I had to call it quits. It has really caused me to be extremely depressed these days. I appreciate everyone who has reached out to me about it. 

I hit my mental low-point on 03/10/2023 with the entirety of that week a muddle as I was mostly on auto pilot. The break up was not the only reason for my sudden mental decline but it played a big role in it. 

If I were to pin point what exactly caused me to be so depressed and anxious I believe it was these things:

1. My Weight; I have been overweight for a long time and I have been feeling really fucked up about it and I would like to start fixing this.

2. My Lack of Creativity; I used to play music everyday, connected well with art, and loved going to art exhibits. I feel like I have stopped going and my life has become so enthralled with video games and other meaningless time wasters. 

3. A General Lack of Will to Live; I have had a general lack of will and motivation to enjoy life or even be alive. This is something I have struggled with for a long time. 

4. I Don’t Feel True to Myself; I have changed and accepted a lot of things in my life that I know I am not happy about, I know that I need to be more true to myself and this is something I am working on everyday.

I am at a time in my life where I feel extremely vulnerable but I am taking things one day at a time and hopefully I can look forward to a great 2023 into a strong and amazing 2024. 

[sleepinsomniac]

Sometimes it feels as if there is no reprieve.

[sleepinsomniac]

[sleepinsomniac]

لو كنت أعرف أنها الدقائق الأخيرة التي أراك فيها ، لقلت " أحبك" ولتجاهلت، بخجل، أنك تعرفين ذلك. هناك دوماً يوم الغد، والحياة تمنحنا الفرصة لنفعل الأفضل، لكن لو أنني مخطئ وهذا هو يومي الأخير، أحب أن أقول كم أحبك، وأنني لن أنساك أبداً. لأن الغد ليس مضموناً لا للشاب ولا للمسن. ربما تكون في هذا اليوم المرة الأخيرة التي ترى فيها أولئك الذين تحبهم . فلا تنتظر أكثر، تصرف اليوم لأن الغد قد لا يأتي ولا بد أن تندم على اليوم الذي لم تجد فيه الوقت من أجل ابتسامة، أو عناق، أو قبلة، أو أنك كنت مشغولاً كي ترسل لهم أمنية أخيرة

If I knew it was the last minute I saw you, I would say "I love you" and ignore, ashamedly, that you know it. There is always tomorrow, and life gives us the opportunity to do the best, but if I am wrong and this is my last day, I would love to say how much I love you, and that I will never forget you. Because tomorrow is not guaranteed for both the young man and the elderly. This is probably the last time you see those you love. Do not wait any longer, act today because tomorrow may not come and you must regret the day you did not find time for a smile, a hug, a kiss, or you were busy to send them a final wish.

[sleepinsomniac]

Gabriel García Márquez 

[sleepinsomniac]

[sleepinsomniac]

[sleepinsomniac]

[sleepinsomniac]

“𝘞𝘩𝘦𝘯 𝘐'𝘮 𝘢𝘳𝘰𝘶𝘯𝘥 𝘴𝘭𝘰𝘸 𝘥𝘢𝘯𝘤𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘪𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘥𝘢𝘳𝘬”

“𝘋𝘰𝘯𝘵 𝘧𝘰𝘭𝘭𝘰𝘸 𝘮𝘦, 𝘺𝘰𝘶'𝘭𝘭 𝘦𝘯𝘥 𝘶𝘱 𝘪𝘯 𝘮𝘺 𝘢𝘳𝘮𝘴… ”

[sleepinsomniac]

If you ever wanted to see Joji staring into your soul while lip syncing this video is for you

[sleepinsomniac]

you looked at me like i was someone else

[sleepinsomniac]

a playlist of mine

wassup fuckers. i am here to recommend/share some songs i usually play (or ya know, songs that i just love to listen) on my spotify playlist and because i can't live without music:

Somebody Else — The 1975

Robbers — The 1975

Make You Mine — PUBLIC

Vision of Gideon — Sufjan Stevens

Apocalypse — Cigarettes After Sex

Chivalry Is Dead — Trevor Wesley

Mystery of Love — Sufjan Stevens

Futile Devices — Sufjan Stevens

Sweater Weather — The Neighbourhood

Daddy Issues — The Neighborhood

Swim — Chase Atlantic

Buttercup — Jack Stauber

Slow Down — Mac Ayres

If We Have Each Other — Alec Benjamin

Pretty Girl — Clairo

TOOTIMETOOTIMETOOTIME — The 1975

Flaming Hot Cheetos — Clairo

Into It — Chase Atlantic

DAY 1 — HONNE

Calvin's Joint — Mac Ayres

Jesus In LA — Alec Benjamin

UGH! — The 1975

Affection — Cigarettes After Sex

Chicago — Sufjan Stevens

Visions of Gideon — Sufjan Stevens

Girls Like Girls — Hayley Kiyoko

Sincerity Is Scary — The 1975

K. — Cigarettes After Sex

10,000 Emerald Posts — BØRNS

Rose-Colored Boy — Paramore

Electric Love — BØRNS

American Money — BØRNS

Apocalypse Dreams — Tame Impala

Holland — Sufjan Stevens

Cinnamon — Hayley Williams

Antichrist — The 1975

Cinnamon Girl — Lana Del Rey

Doin' Time — Lana Del Rey

Dog Days Are Over — Florence + The Machine

comethru — Jeremy Zucker

Blue Jeans — Lana Del Rey

The Less I Know The Better — Tame Impala

Lost In Yesterday — Tame Impala

Eugene — Sufjan Stevens

Should Have Known Better — Sufjan Stevens

for him. — Troye Sivan

Give Yourself A Try — The 1975

The greatest — Lana Del Rey

Fuck it I love you — Lana Del Rey

Queen of Peace — Florence + The Machine

Ship To Wreck — Florence + The Machine

Take Me To Church — Hozier

NFWMB — Hozier

Happiness — Rex Orange County

Sunflower — Rex Orange County

Cool Kids — Echosmith

Jacksonville — Sufjan Stevens

John Wayne Gacy, Jr. — Sufjan Stevens

Love It If We Made It — The 1975

Love song — Lana Del Rey

Mariners Apartment Complex — Lana Del Rey

WILD — Troye Sivan

YOUTH — Troye Sivan

HEAVEN — Troye Sivan

Thinkin' Bout You — Frank Ocean

Video Games — Lana Del Rey

Forrest Gump — Frank Ocean

Chanel — Frank Ocean

National Anthem — Lana Del Rey

Pink + White — Frank Ocean

I Couldn't Be More In Love — The 1975

I Always Wanna Die (Sometimes) — The 1975

It's Not Living (If It's Not With You) — The 1975

Narcissist — No Rome, The 1975

Norman fucking Rockwell — Lana Del Rey

Strawberries & Cigarettes — Troye Sivan

Young and Beautiful — Lana Del Rey

Art Deco — Lana Del Rey

Yellow Hearts — Ant Saunders

Video Games — Lana Del Rey

Sanctuary — JOJI

SLOW DANCING IN THE DARK — JOJI

Pumped Up Kicks — Foster the People

Me and You Together Song — The 1975

A Change of Heart — The 1975

The Sound — The 1975

The Birthday Party — The 1975

Rose-Colored Boy — Paramore

Be My Mistake — The 1975

South London Forever — Florence + The Machine

death bed — Powfu feat. beabadobee

Frail State of Mind — The 1975

Dance, Baby! — boy pablo

Everytime — boy pablo

Chocolate — The 1975

Girls — The 1975

Casimir Pulaski Day — Sufjan Stevens

Vale — Graham Coxon

13 Beaches — Lana Del Rey

10/10 — Rex Orange County

Maniac — Conan Gray

Crush Culture — Conan Gray

Paris — The 1975

Nothing's Gonna Hurt You Baby — Cigarettes After Sex

Sick Feeling — boy pablo

Losing You — boy pablo

Talking To The Moon — Bruno Mars

At Seventeen — Janis Ian

Lover Boy — Phim Viphurit

Run — JOJI

hope u enjoy these recommendations! ;)))

*i will edit if i added more songs.

Above is the playlist for you to enjoy and listen. 😊

[sleepinsomniac]

Lady Josie

[sleepinsomniac]

PG: Psycho Goreman (2021) dir. Steven Kostanski

[sleepinsomniac]

[sleepinsomniac]