sleepwithnightlights

[sleepwithnightlights]

Once he left for real and i was able to start processing it all, not only came it with memories but i had to relearn how to love.

I isolated myself so much, hated my mother for not protecting me but she is not someone he could take from me and i love her more than anyone in the world and now i can show it. I had to learn. And next come my friend who i love

[sleepwithnightlights]

I get so hurt about people not respecting when i say no in even the smallest things.

My roommate offered me some juice and i declined, she insisted and i said no again ans she said "later!" And i declined again and still she left the juice with me. I dont know if i am being just hyper sensitive (which would be fine) or if i am being justifiey even if its silly. Ugh.

[sleepwithnightlights]

[sleepwithnightlights]

It never occured to me that consent can be so deep and understood and respected. That i am more than just a sexual person in a relationship, i never saw that this hypersexual person is just another part of me and not me, who no longer has to survive.

[sleepwithnightlights]

the piece i mentioned before

[sleepwithnightlights]

I really wanna do art, actual time invested art, not just scribbles like before, to share, to vent, to not be ashamed of my feelings during my healing journey but im scared. I have only ever used art to get away from my thoughts (and its a wonderful tool to do so) i only once did abstract art where i channelled my anger and just finger painted but to actually do pieces where i allow my feelings to control how i draw to not be afraid of mistakes just sounds so imposing. Reading memoircomics comics is what made me realize all this. He shares so fearlessly and i know this whole account is me just laying it bare but art feels more intimate to me than text bc its not clear, i wont be exactly be able to tell every single person who sees it what it is and im terrified of that. The thing is if i just say "i'll do them for myself and not share them" I will simply never do them lol. I already struggle to just create art normally without an external motivator. Maybe i can do some sketches and just share those, just minimal expecations. oke bye bye

[sleepwithnightlights]

crowds

[sleepwithnightlights]

i am so angry

why can't i just be happy, why do i feel sad and hopeless over and over again. I want to just have opeace and be okey and enjoy stuff but no it just keep on coming and it just never stops. I get that eventually gets better but the work i have to do that it eventually someday that i dont know and might be multiple 10 years away, feels even more frustrating. I want to be happy now but im not allowe, i cant bite through, i

so fucking angry. I just want to be normal and no i dont care if i would be boring or average. I would give so much to not have to live this reality.

[sleepwithnightlights]

the second i dont have a distraction i get scared. Its not always the same things but lately i have really been scared of my mother dying. She isnt sick or at risk, she is probably 1000× healthier than me but death doesnt care about that. She could die any second and i know i should just enjoy the time i do have with her but she is all i have left basically.

The only parent. Even with my best friend i struggle with fully be myself with. My mom is the only person who i trust a hundred percent. She could be gone tomorrow and my world would shatter. And in this mind that had to survive so much terriblness, it wants me to prepare for that. It wants to be scared always about it, so when it does happen, i wont die. The thing is, even when i imagine her being dead, to "prepare" myself, even that fake scenario is so painful it yanks me out of the daydream. Its so overwhelming that i cannot imagine how it will be when she does die.

Ever since my friend died. I get scared that everything is connected to someone dying. A friend is doing really bad? Someone must have died. An unexpected phone call? Someone close to me died

How am i supposed to work on all my old stuff when new stuff like this keeps coming up.

My friend shouldnt have died. She deserved a better world to begin with and she deserved a life where she actually was allowed to live rather than survive.

Im gonna go to bed now,

Goodnight.

[sleepwithnightlights]

thumbs up

I dont think ill ever escape him. I'm stuck forever with what he has done to me. Ill always feel heavy and sad and angry. It feels so endless. Endless shame. Endless fear. Endless him in me.

How can i ever be truly me if behind it all he still lurks. I havent eaten raviol for years until now because he once cooked a digusting meal of ravioli but i was too scared to say anything. What else will he have a grip on until i discover the truth about it. He has already made me loose so many aspects of myself. When i think of the child in me, it is dirty and crying and scared and lonely. It wants to show me everything it had to endure but i have to turn it away over and over. How could i bear what it had seen? How could i survive what i had to forget to live back then. So the little hurt child gets abandoned even by me. I still doubt myself. "What if you made it up for attention." "What if you were just angry and needed a reason for why and it's all fake." There are more but all lose if you use logic to argue. It happened. He did it and i had to endure and now im stuck with it all. I need to go help cook now. I dont know if ill be helping long. Today has been hard.

[sleepwithnightlights]

I am a bit scared

I use a nightlight to sleep I am 23 and am scared of the dark. I am scared that something is there, something will jump at me. That when i open my eyes they will meet someone elses, that things move at the corner of my eye. I already sucked at falling asleep but that made it even worse. Plus i think i started to grind my teeth a while ago, if i had to guess at the same time the shadows started to actually be scary. I used to be fine with the dark and when i imagined something being there, coming at me i would smile in understanding of the creature, sympathy. I wasnt scared of them and it was a proving that i was toughened up that they werent worse than what i knew. So it might be good that they are scary now, perhaps it means i allow myself to be vulnerable. Stress and worse time falling asleep would disagree tho. I feel silly writing this while knowing i might share it. I know not many will see it and at worst an ai bot scrapped it and thinks humans use the word scary and scared a lot more than they should. I also dont write. I used to when i wanted to be an author, they were horse stories and truly wonderful. Later in school i still loved to write, some of it was the silliness i deserved, and some was concerning and should have tipped off my teachers. I guess i gotta say: "I dont write anymore." Which will soon be a lie if i ever make it past 1 or 2 posts. I also dont speak english as my first language and i dont get better at grammar the later it gets, which is when i will write most of these texts. Late at night when im dreading to exist but death is too extreme because of my mom and because of my dog and because of my cat and because of my friends and im scared of pain and i am not at risk, i am in therapy and would certainly not go on a blog to seek my last contact and all i want is to be nothingness but not dead but every thought is poison and i want it to finally shut up up there. So i'll write instead and finally remember what i was thinking duing this time and make it easier for my therapist.

I dont think i used a single comma so far. Oops. I also think that i am being cringe. I will sound edgy no matter how i word it and that no thought will be unique, that what i write is eye-rollable. Teenager stuff. I guess its teenager stuff, its kids stuff, the me teenager and the me kid is just as angry and sad and terrified as the now me. I guess i deserve to be those things and sound cringey and edgy i've got important stuff to share, like being a sad and terrified and angry kid. So back off hater and ai that will not use a single comma now thanks to me. You are welcome guys, i saved us from the impending plagiarization of everything everyone is writing anywhere. Yippie.

I dont allow myself to have a break from doing something during the day.i need to do something so i dont start thinking. Thats stuff bed-me has to deal with and she has gotten quite adapt at trying their best to work with the mess day-me has to deal with. • Fantasy stories. • Funny or exciting scenarios. • Revenge scenarios. • Fake arguments. • Something tragic has happened and only i can help (f.e. a train has been taken hostage and i can save everybody). • Someone i love dearly has died (not actually) and i am now left to deal with grief i cannot even imagine how bad it will be once they truly die. • Someone i love died (actually) and i am left to be furious with the hands they were dealt and they were not able to live their life as they deserved it. • Less now but i used to love creating little love interests and creating whole stories on how we met and fell in love.

There is more but writing does make me tired. Also a lot of these dont actually seem good or helpful and you would be correct but awful scenarios bring a sense of control since i know how to deal with surviving and adapting to anything.

I think i had strategies like these since ever. They used to be mostly diving into the fantasyland of whatever book i was reading, creating my own character, having my own powers, replaying what fun they had. I used to look forward to that part of falling asleep since it was so fun. I dont know if there is something not "normal" about that, something any kid wouldnt do aswell. Im starting to get frustrated that i cant put my thoughts down into writing like i want it to, so ill go try and sleep again. Thank you for reading, hope you got your nigthlight on or video or