slowing-down-in-style

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As I close out my night… honestly. If he fires me tomorrow he fires me. Then I’ll never have to deal with him ever again. I can start to lay down the work to getting a new job and starting over someplace new. Clean slate.

No matter what- he can’t touch me. He can’t actually touch me if I don’t let him. I may briefly let this man impact my mental state but with help from the people who love me and my own self determination… I will still be me and I will still walk tall.

Thank you for holding my hand and reminding me there is always light. The sun will rise.

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I’m ashamed I’m letting someone degrade me the way my boss is. What does this say about my self worth that I am choosing to put up with this? For the sake of money? Was this really worth it?

I don’t think I’ve ever thought about actually murdering someone until now. No wonder he’s so paranoid. I bet there’s a line of people 8 miles long that would jump at the chance to pull the trigger.

Hekate, we have some work to do.

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I cannot live in a land where I only see the sun for 20 minutes a day.

Off Cape Cod, by Frederick Judd Waugh (1861-1940)

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I’ve only ever been asked to marry out of an obligation of duty.

I hope someday I’m asked to marry out of love. I hope that I’ll someday be found worthy of love by someone enough to want to be wedded to.

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Except when your presence isn’t missed.

"Your absence can teach what your presence couldn't. Let the void speak your worth."

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Reading this book (Zero Stars: do NOT recommend) and it has me wondering… where I get my “kindness to strangers” from? It definitely doesn’t come from my father. Absolutely not from my mother. Paul, my step dad? Well. Maybe. But… He was a skeptic at best. “You keep in your lane and I’ll keep in mine, I don’t have much more than you but if I know ya well- I’ll throw you a bone.”

My grandma, I suppose. Though, in the entirety of my life I don’t think I ever saw her especially “kind” to strangers in a “go out of your way for someone” kind of way. She did that plenty for family. Me. My cousins. My aunts and my mother. Too much so, in my opinion. But I don’t think this is exactly the right answer.

I’m kind to strangers just… because I am. I don’t believe it costs me anything, even when it does. It makes people happy. It’s all I’ve ever wanted to do was make people happy.

Because I wanted my mom to be happy. Because I wanted my dad to be happy. Because they were absolutely, undoubtedly and unquestionably NOT happy. I can’t think of a single time in my life where I can genuinely say I believed “in this moment or felt like my mother or my father were *happy* or expressed happiness in a way in which I could *feel* and *see* it.”

Maybe my mom when she was with Alex. That’s a pretty sure thing.

Maybe the day her and I were painting the kitchen on Irwin Avenue. I’m sure there were other days. Days I just don’t remember. Because memory doesn’t work that way.

I wonder if my dad’s ever been happy a day in his life.

I’ve spent my entire life trying to help people be happy. I’m not saying it’s a bad thing. And I’m gonna keep doing it. But tonight I’m wondering….. why? And I don’t know why I’m wondering. What good comes from wondering, or finding an answer to this question?

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Wake me up one morning on a weekend by sneaking in the house and crawling in bed with me. 💕

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This is too hard

It’s not too hard. You’re a fucking child who has to grow up and learn to take responsibility for the fucked up choices you made and keep making. No one is getting you out of it. No one is coming to help you. You have to figure it out on your own and quit making it worse like a fucking idiot. You’re absolutely useless so grow the fuck up and handle your shit like an adult and quit acting like a god damned crybaby. Crying about it doesn’t fucking do anything. Shut up. Do the job you’re hired on to do. Make the money that will get you by. Suck it up. Work. Sleep. Repeat.

This is the bed you made. So sleep in it.

[slowing-down-in-style]

I’m sorry if I seem sad every time we end our bedtime calls.

99.96% of the time you’re the only human interaction I have outside of work people, day in and day out. I don’t even text other people. I never chat in discord anymore. Not even IG. You’re it now. I’ve fallen off with… everyone.

So when it’s 30 minutes or less… I tend to get somber.

I’m learning to live with being alone. But I am yearning for more. 😞

[slowing-down-in-style]

I’m struggling to find my thoughts. I’m struggling to find the time to find my thoughts. Life seems like it’s gotten away from me more these days than it ever has before. Every day goes by in the blink of an eye and I feel like I’m trying to grip the edges just to hang on. I cling to my moments of happiness and savor them like a drink of water. I stumble in moments of chaos as I grapple with finding control.

All I wanted to do today is come home.. make dinner, do laundry and and study my coursera stuff so I can get better at my job.

I forgot old laundry in the washing machine so I had to take stuff out and run a cleaner through the wash which has delayed me doing laundry for work.

My freezer is acting up and thawed out a bunch of food so that delayed me getting dinner started and I had to deal with the spoiled food.

I forgot to run the dish washer last night so I had no utensils and had to run the dishwasher after running my laundry.

It’s 8pm and I no longer want to do the work I brought home. Or study my coursera stuff.

I just want to stop feeling this stress and anxiety and pressure. I want to relax. I want help. I don’t want to have to handle everything and have it all rely on just me.

I need things to get easier. I don’t wanna just be better at handling it and carrying all this weight. I need help.

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I used to not post here because I didn’t need to.

Now it’s because I don’t have the time or bandwidth.

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When they ask me what my favorite moment is, I will say him. I will always say him.

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Sure does

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Trying to focus on what’s holding me together instead of what’s tearing me apart.

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“What do I need to hear right now?”

Reconnect with your feminine self, the strong side of yourself. You’re entering a new period of growth and becoming more “motherly” in life’s current opportunities.

You have all the tools you need to succeed, even if you’re doubting yourself. Take care of yourself and manifesting your goal, the universe will take care of the “how.” You struggling to see progress or success but it’s there.

You’re not good at managing your money, but if you learn it will pay off. You are not treating your money with respect, and instead, need to draw upon your self-discipline and control so you can save for your future while still enjoying the fruits of your labour.