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Found a new app for navigating life and emotions and therapy. I like it.

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I’m glad I have my confidence slowly building back up to be able to talk to him in real time about things that are bothering me, instead of swallowing them and dwelling on them and being in pain or depressed.

That confidence waned so slowly… for the last two months.

I don’t want to cry any more. I’m so exhausted from crying.

I’m so glad I’m getting back to normal.

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My crows were late for breakfast this morning so I came inside to clock in and figured I’d see/feed them later.

I’m sitting at my desk about 8 minutes later and hear them squawking as loud as they possibly can. Two on one light post. One on another. So me and one other guy here who knows I’m kinda bonded with these crows go out there and I talk to them and feed them.

As I’m walking away from their feeding place (I try to feed them in the same spot every time for familiarity) they all start loudly calling out and carrying on, at first I can’t figure out why. Then they take off and I notice the way they land- they triangulate on this one tree between them.

They start doing their warning calls and I tell the guy beside me that they’ve trapped a hawk and are telling it to get out. He’s like “nah they are just mad you hadn’t fed them!” And then this happens. 😂

One of the three crows flushes out the hawk just before I start recording. The other two take chase. The three birds in this video are one hawk and two crows. 🐦‍⬛ 🐦‍⬛

I love watching these guys. 😂 They are so smart. Excuse my “proud mom” commentary lol

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What if all the awful things you thought about yourself were true and it’s how other people think of you too.

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I cried this morning over the fact that the time I have with the four crows I’ve befriended is limited. (I’d have cried anyways but there’s some other stuff going on that may have increased the chances of it happening when it did. More on that in a second.) I’ve wanted to befriend crows for years, and here at this job I finally got to do that. Not that I can’t befriend more crows someplace else… but I’m still sad that this connection with these four is coming to a close. I’m unbelievably happy I was able to form a companionship with them at all.

They are so intelligent. They are so curious. I’m really going to miss them.

So about that other stuff…. I’ve dropped the ball with my mental health and I’m only just now realizing the consequences of that, thanks to my therapist. I’ve been really bad about taking my medication (Wellbutrin) when I’m supposed to at a standard interval every day, for the last few months. Sometimes i’ve been taking it every other day. Every two days. Every three days. Then long stretches without it and then a dose for a few days and back off again. I let my forgetfulness win. I didn’t lean on the people in my support system to help me. I messed up. Plain and simple. So now I’m aware and going to try to get back on track.

I’m stopping the 300mg dosage. I can’t just jump back in at that dose. I contacted my doctor about restarting at a low dosage. I’ll need her to prescribe it to me. I can’t just cut what I have in half, thanks to the slow release coating on it. Anyways. Here’s to getting back on track.

I’m kicking myself a bit. This is likely going to make for a very emotional rollercoaster as I fight against that AND impostor syndrome while starting a new job, in management no less. I’ve got to keep my head on straight. Ask for help when I need it. Lean on Chris when appropriate. And push forward through this.

Now that I’m aware of the problem I caused, I’m so much more aware of the fallout I’ve been experiencing. At least I’m armed with knowledge now. I just hope I didn’t do any long lasting permanent damage. To myself. To relationships.

I’ve been crying. I’ve been quick to have my feelings hurt. I’ve been second guessing myself. Other people. Their motives. I’ve been moody and irritable. My ADHD has spun out and I’ve lost my motivation, focus of discipline. I’ve been staying up later again. Not eating or skipping meals, more out of forgetfulness than anything else. My thoughts I’ve realized are very scattered. Sigh

A lot of the things that I’ve been emotional about… I think I would have still been emotional about even if I was properly taking my meds. But I think being off them and irregular about it has certainly enhanced or made worse some of those feelings. I’m looking forward to getting back to center.

Let my mishap be a lesson to others, and a lesson to my future self. Chemistry is too complicated and important to fuck up and expect the same results or expecting to avoid disaster.

Not going to beat myself up about it any more right now. And I’m gonna try to be mindful of not beating myself up over it moving forward. Nothing can be done about the past. Just have to fix it moving forward.

Moving forward is the only option.

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I forgot tonight was a full moon. It’s the Full Corn Moon. Supposedly not supposed to make any big life changing decisions around this time.

Whoops.

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I’m going to miss my crows. But I think the feather one of them left me was a good parting gift. I hope I get to meet more like them at my new job, or other places in my life someday.

There were two hawks fighting in the trees of the parking lot here at my current job this morning. Talk about an appropriate physical representation…

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“A bad day only lasts 24 hours.”

— Unknown

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I promise you can keep your freedoms.

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To be loved, cherished, called beautiful, held in awe, revered… what more could you ask for? Hold me and kiss me, look at me like it’s the first time you fell in love with me, lock your eyes with mine and whisper to the universe that nothing will take me from your sights ever again so long as you breathe.

Whole worlds burn, blazing like a hearth fire when I go to touch your hand. Oceans churn inside the pools of blue eyes as I watch you from across a room. I could breathe new life into a species simply from whispering your name, so full of love. Like a precious stone plucked from the river, so plain and yet so beautiful. Like a secret on the lips of a child, the eagerness and depth of the want to speak it, will it into truth is… Overwhelming.

You are the most precious thing there is. You have me, captivated.

If you are exhausted from living up to my expectations, then you have been most generous.

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Stop and listen

to the silence.

She’s giving you permission

to breathe

to think

to feel.

Everything feels

so different at night.

The emotions

seem heavier

stronger

more passionate

and more painful.

Raw and unfiltered.

I won’t give her

the space she

demands of me tonight.

So we will keep the rain away

this time.

I’m sure she will

come around

again.

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I love that we don’t want to soften each other’s rough edges. We just fit perfectly inside them. Balanced. Matched. Perfectly.

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I cannot express the level of comfort that I have from having a protecting man in my life who means it with all of his heart and soul when he says I’m his and I belong to him.

It’s nice to be provided for.

It’s nice to be taken care of.

It’s nice to relax. Truly relax for the first time in my life.

It’s ridiculous how sorry I feel for myself when my situation has literally never been better. Not even close.

We video call every night. He sends me a good morning video every morning. We text all day long. Our weekends we belong to each other.

But once know what it’s like to share a bed with him… to have a person want to wrap their arms around you and hold you still so you never let go. To have a person who touches the soft part so your body that you’re insecure about and tell you that they love those part of you the most. To have a person who you can get drunk on just the presence of… You no longer like sleeping alone.

I don’t want simple phone calls. I want him. and I miss him so much. I love him so much.

I’m so happy my forever belongs to him. I’m so happy being his. I’m so happy being us.

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I need this space less and less and that’s a good thing. 💕

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“The smell of her hair, the taste of her mouth, the feeling of her skin seemed to have got inside him, or into the air all round him. She had become a physical necessity.”

— George Orwell

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Regret is scarier than fear. Do the things. Trust the people. Love with your whole god damn heart.

Kiss that boy like your life depends on it, Kaitlin.