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slybastardo-o · 2 years ago

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Idk how to handle my life anymore. I realized it’s easy for me to look at life as a series of blocks. There are blocks that are immovable and only change slightly, like work to make money, sleep, eating etc. Responsibilities and necessities. They flex a bit like I can sleep a little less or have an extra day off but mostly they stay the same. Then everything else has to fit in kind of a general block, I’ll call that “ free time”I guess. As I’ve grown older naturally the necessities have grown larger and free time has gotten smaller and as a pretty logic driven guy, I don’t have any problem with it because it’s productive.

The problem I have is, after my daughter my time, money, energy, my literal being has been dedicated to her. And I have no problem with it. Literally none. I love it, the satisfaction and love I feel cannot be overcome by anything and my partner doesn’t have the same energy. Doesn’t feel like she has any idea that it’s even a thing that it can feel or be rewarding. For her it seems like it’s more of a hassle, or annoying or frustrating. This leads us to have a fractured family dynamic.

I buy the baby 90% of what she needs. Whatever I don’t buy we get from family ( her mother is super supportive as is my dad and step mother). I know all of her sizes. Snacks, developmental changes, songs, etc. I know our child. Yet she feels so uncomfortable that she can’t prep her a meal because she doesn’t know what she eats or can’t take a trip with her alone because she’s uncomfortable. To make matters worse, I had to suffer the guilt bestowed on me by her because “she doesn’t love her mother” when she does, she just doesn’t have the same connection. Connections are nurtured and earned not just bestowed by blood.

I had a tough childhood. I was beaten, locked in closets, stripped naked and kicked out of the house. I didn’t have it easy. My parents love me but they were young and didn’t know how to deal with a child while being children themselves. Because of this I took the time to learn myself, cope and heal traumas and understand issues I have that are just too stubborn to go away. I go to work to get shit on and run low on patience, come home to a 2 year old to test that patience and to a mom supportive partner who again tests that patience. Any other man would scream. Holler. Leave. But not me.

I cook, almost every single day, I food shop, wash dishes, give baths, clean, and most importantly DONT yell. I talk, it helps me deal with my issues because I am at my best and most stable when I’m understood. So if I am ALWAYS like this, then why does she get to come home and scream at our child and pull our child aggressively because she’s overwhelmed and tired? Am I not allowed to not take that as an excuse? Should I not essentially demand that it be changed to a healthier response? The child is 2, fussiness and craziness is age appropriate behavior. I was beaten for being too loud of too crazy, I won’t allow that. You won’t punish our child for being a child. In my opinion, you need to learn how to be a mother. Loving, caring, understanding, patient, curious and a leader.

This craziness and fussiness will pass with the silliness and the youth. It will not last long. Love it, if she’s fussy, care enough to find out why, understand she loves you and learns from you, be patient and know that you’re building your relationship a tiny bit day by day and help me lead this family. Because if I don’t have a mother or a partner then what role are you playing in the family?

#mental health #men’s mental health

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slybastardo-o · 2 years ago

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I have a daughter with a partner that hates when i speak in this manner . “ I have a daughter” that specifically is triggering because I am claiming her to be mine and only mine and honestly I see her point and see why it upsets her. I think she completely right to be upset. I also think I’m a huge dick for feeling like I kinda have a right to say it in that manner. Of course I could just simply say “our” every time and just solve the issue, but I kinda don’t wanna. I feel a sense of ownership over our child and as horrible as it is, it’s the truth. And I think it stems from our bond and relationship. You see, throughout our very short almost 2 years with our daughter I have been the “ primary caretaker” and not in the traditional sense and not always but in different facets at different times of that makes sense. At times I worked a lot and she stayed home, so I bought everything and stayed up with her all night for every night feeding with no sleep. At times I would quit a job to take over child care due to moms goals and child care issues and still find ways to provide the majority of the expenses. No matter what I was taking care, present, teaching, cooking and diaper changing. Mom was always there pushing helping learning but it was just easier for me to adjust, maybe because my body didn’t have to carry a literal human being then get it cut out of me and readjust idk. But that’s just the way it shook out so I just took the bulk of everything, so I just ended up being the asl teacher, the cook, the reader, the disciplinarian, the patient one, moms rock, moms punching bag, not enough, a piece of shit, the night feeder, the diaper changer, not intimate enough all while still providing everything and giving my spouse a year and a half off of work to get mentally and physically healthy. She wasn’t okay, she was in pain, mentally I’ll and it was bleeding over everything and it ducking sucked. It fucking hurt to see, it hurt so bad I convinced myself that the thought of me being the reason she is better one day outweighs the fucking pain I felt throughout that time. It was the lowest I had ever felt in my life. A new father handling everything working overtime, quit a job making 100k for his gf because she couldn’t handle being a stay at home mother. Without hesitation, I came home , took a job working on my hands and knees for a third of the pay and took the baby from you as soon as I got home. Stayed up with the baby every night, and let you sleep. Cooked for you, ordered you food, loved you and took whatever came and you didn’t hear a peep from me.

I’ve got really thick skin, really high patience but I’m tired. Please, just make it easy. Work with me. You could read this and come to me. Give me your opinion, tell me if your mad. Tell me if you think I’m wrong. Tell me how you feel, nothings wrong. But please, be prepared for a response, because it’s a conversation, I’ll be expecting yours in return so we can get to our destination/solution/place together as a family.

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slybastardo-o · 2 years ago

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Maybe I’m wrong. Or am I? I mean is it a road map that you need ? Do you need to be told how to love me or how to make me happy? What to do to make my day better or what the little things are that increase the value of the monotonous get up, get the baby ready, drop her off, go to work, pick her up, cook shower, tidy then a few hours till bed ? Maybe I’m taking it too literal because I put a few things out there and you jump right on them and start to improve. Maybe if not a rod map, maybe it’s just some guidance, a start point or start points. I feel like I shouldn’t have to tell you how and why these things make me happy but if I do and you apply the effort to do these things consistently shouldn’t i just be appreciative?

Can anyone help?

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slybastardo-o · 4 years ago

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