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smartdivorcenet · 8 years ago

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Filing Status And Divorce http://smartdivorcenetwork.blogspot.com/2017/01/filing-status-and-divorce.html https://smartdivorcenetworkblog.files.wordpress.com/2017/01/filing-status-and-divorce.jpg?w=1200

As we approach tax time, we need to turn our focus on one of the most important financial documents we have – our tax return. Divorce can be difficult enough, and with it comes many potential tax issues. Add that to a complicated tax code, and the fact that certain divorce papers do not follow the Internal Revenue Code, and it’s time to break out the Tylenol. But let’s arm ourselves with some knowledge, to avoid mistakes and letters from the IRS (tax problems are expensive!). So let’s start with the basics.

Your filing status might appear to be the simplest thing, but believe it or not, many filers choose the wrong one. Since so many items on the tax return depend on the filing status, it is important to get this right.

Your filing status is based on a date of December 31st of the tax year. If you were married all year and your divorce was finalized on New Year’s Eve, you file as a Single person (or Head of Household, if you qualify). If you got married on New Year’s Eve, you file as Married Filing Jointly or Married Filing Separately for the year. There is no apportioning, nor can divorced folks file jointly “one last time”.

The IRS defines the filing status of “Single” as unmarried. But you are also considered Single if you are married and not divorced BUT you have a legal separation (according to state law) under a decree of divorce or separate maintenance. You are also Single if your spouse died before January 1st of the tax year and you didn’t remarry (although there may be another filing status for you – Qualifying Widow(er), if there is a dependent child). Bottom line – if you meet the definition of unmarried, you file as Single unless you meet the requirements for one of the other filing statuses such as Head of Household or Qualifying Widow(er) with Dependent Child.

Everyone wants to be Head of Household – don’t you pay the bills?!?!? That is not exactly what this filing status means. It’s for unmarried taxpayers or married taxpayers considered unmarried, who provide a home for a qualifying child or relative. The IRS website (www.irs.gov) provides a wealth of information and all of the tests to see if the person you plan on claiming is a qualifying child or relative (based on income, residency, relationship, etc.). One good takeaway is that if you support a parent and you actually pass the support test, the parent does not have to live with you. Other relatives do. Again, check the information in the free publications the IRS offers online.

If you are married but your spouse did not live with you after June (must be living apart for at least the last 6 months), and you paid over half the cost of keeping up the home during the year for you and a qualifying person, you can use the Head of Household status. Using the HOH filing status, you have the benefit of a higher standard deduction, and an extra personal exemption for each dependent you can claim. And you don’t lose the deductions and credits if you were filing with the Married Filing Separately status.

If you don’t qualify for Head of Household status, and you are waiting for your divorce to be finalized, you will be filing with the status of Married Filing Separately. Married Filing Separately is considered to be the least beneficial status. There are certain deductions you are barred from (Earned Income Credit, Child and Dependent Care Credit, Adoption Expense Credit, Education credits, Student Loan interest deduction, etc.). However, there are some good reasons to file separately (for example, your spouse may be difficult and not provide his tax documents; you may have knowledge that your spouse doesn’t claim all of his or her income, employs illegal aliens, etc.; or you want nothing to do with your spouse as refunds can be an issue). You need to weigh what you lose vs. what you really can lose. Sometimes that limited liability that you get by filing separately lets you sleep at night. In certain cases, all you want to carry is yourself. Other good reasons may be less scary – if one spouse has a significantly lower adjusted gross income (AGI), perhaps he or she could better utilize certain deductions limited by AGI, such as medical expenses.

With divorce comes issues regarding who can and will be claiming children, and this can affect filing status. And as mentioned earlier, the divorce decree may not follow the Internal Revenue Code, so it’s imperative that taxes are considered when putting it together. Many attorneys do not understand taxes, and that includes certain divorce attorneys. Since this paperwork can affect you for years, make sure a tax professional is consulted. Once you get your filing status right on your tax return, it makes it easier to deal with everything that comes after that. Even if you use a paid preparer, it’s important to understand these concepts.

If you’d like to learn more about taxes and have some fun doing so, please pick up my new book “101 Ways to Stay Off the IRS Radar” available at Amazon (print and Kindle versions) and select bookstores. There’s some useful information that will save you time, money and grief. (And with a divorce, everyone needs to save time, money and grief.)

Please visit my website RealLifeTaxAdvice.com for a free copy of the Ultimate Tax Checklist. And if you’d like me to discuss more divorce-related tax issues in another issue, submit your topics at the website. There is no shortage of topics when it comes to Divorce and the IRS.

Via: http://www.smartdivorcenetwork.com/2017/01/08/filing-status-and-divorce/

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smartdivorcenet · 8 years ago

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Collaborative Law: The Bloodless Alternative http://smartdivorcenetwork.blogspot.com/2017/01/collaborative-law-bloodless-alternative.html https://smartdivorcenetworkblog.files.wordpress.com/2017/01/collaborative-law.jpg?w=1200

The death of any relationship can be devastating, whether the relationship is familial, a friendship or a marriage; whether the death of the relationship is caused by physical death or by emotional dissolution. Fighting during and after the demise of the relationship only deepens the wounds and prolongs the pain, but sometimes, especially in divorce, the decision to fight is controlled by only one party to the relationship. In those situations, preparation for litigation in court by both sides is the only avenue of action. Trial preparation is expensive. Actual trials are even more expensive. (Please note that I have separated the two events. They are, in fact, separate and distinct events, a fact which most litigants do not appreciate.)

In Texas, where trial courts are clogged with a backlog of cases, all litigants are required to attempt mediation prior to commencing trial. And in truth, this is working to some degree. 93% of all cases settle. But, still, our courts are backlogged.

One might assume that by avoiding trial, these cases are concluded inexpensively. One would be very wrong! Remember the caveat at the end of the first paragraph? Read it again. Unless both parties are clear from it’s the beginning that they will not resort to having their matter decided by a judge or jury, both lawyers are forced to commence preparing for the trial of every case from the first moment s/he meets with her/his client. 97% of each lawyer’s time in a case is spent preparing the case as if it were one of the 7% of the cases which will actually go to trial. There is no way for the lawyers to know which case will be tried. The purpose of this article is to explain divorce litigation to prospective clients (and, hopefully, their spouses) and suggest an alternative.

PREPARING FOR TRIAL:

The first step in preparing for litigation is the education of the lawyer about the client, the opposing party, the facts of the case, the legal aspects of the case and the estate itself. The operative phrase here is “first step”, and this step can be expensive in and of itself.

How does the attorney get the information with which s/he becomes educated? By asking the client to tell his/her story. “Tell me the good, the bad and the downright ugly.” And where do you think the attorney, and, therefore, the client must focus their attention? On the good? Or on the bad and the downright ugly? This is where the lifelong emotional scarring begins. Clients are required to open old wounds, dredge up old memories and hurts and focus on them in such a way as to cast the opposing party in a bad light and the client in as good a light as possible. This focus on the negative in one’s life for the duration of the litigation, which can last as long as six to eighteen months, prevents healing from the loss of the relationship.

The second step is the gathering of information for trial. This includes documents and other tangible evidence in the possession of the client, the opposing party and third parties. It may entail the use of investigators, forensic experts, consulting experts and the like. These people are never cheap. It usually involves the taking of oral and written depositions, both being expensive.

The third step is the analysis phase. Having gathered everything relevant about a couple’s life into boxes of documents, the lawyer must analyze and assimilate all of the information. This information does no good in the client’s head. It must be in the attorney’s head. What does the evidence say and how can it be used for or against the represented party? This takes time and time is money; and, it may take lots of time for one individual (and perhaps some needed support staff) to assimilate, interpret, categorize and organize the years of information about two people’s lives in this comprehensive manner.

The fourth step is actual preparation for trial. Now, the lawyer has to synthesize the information into a strategically planned presentation. Remember those judges with the backlogged trial dockets? They sit about six hours a day listening to cases. They listen to endless details about people’s lives and problems. Judges are human beings, with all their wonder and all their limitations, sitting in judgment of the situations of other human beings. Some of them are good at what they do and others are not. That is why your attorney must spend adequate time preparing a presentation geared to this particular judge. Every judge is different and responds differently to similar situations presentations. Every judge has preferences and some have prejudices and biases. It is your attorney’s job to know this information about the court to which you have been assigned and to prepare the case for trial with that information in mind. This takes a great deal of thought and time and time is money.

MEDIATION

Once the case has been prepared for trial before a particular court, it is possible mediate because the lawyers have enough information about the case to grasp the parameters of settlement possibilities. But, first, the Mediator must be educated. The Mediator must have an outline of the case from each attorney’s perspective and a range of settlement possibilities. And the client must be prepared for the mediation process. More time. More thought. More money.

Mediations typically last only one day, though on occasion a mediation will extend beyond that. Both lawyers attend the mediation with their clients. Sometimes a consulting expert, such as a financial planner, CPA or psychologist, will also attend or at least remain on telephone standby to provide input into the process. Often times the children’s attorney will also be present for all or part of the mediation. All of these people are being paid by the hour. Oh, yes, and then the Mediator must be paid.

SUCCESSFUL MEDIATION:

In the vast majority of cases, mediation is successful. At the conclusion of a successful mediation, the attorneys and Mediator will prepare a document called a Mediated Settlement Agreement, which, once signed by the parties, the attorneys and the Mediator, is irrevocable. Neither party can back out. This document is filed with the Court and the Mediator files a report with the Court indicating that the case has settled and that a Final Agreed Decree will be delivered to the Court for signature. The Mediated Settlement Agreement is a fairly detailed outline of the settlement, but it is not in “legalese”.

WORK AFTER SUCCESSFUL MEDIATION

Additional work will be required by both attorneys to get the Final Decree in proper form and there will likely be documents ancillary to the Final Decree which also must be prepared. Though the major expenses of litigation are now behind each litigant, preparation of final documents can be far more difficult, time-consuming, frustrating and expensive than litigants anticipate. The lawyering continues in the drafting. A carefully crafted document can box a litigant in or leave doors slightly ajar for the party, using the same Mediated Settlement Agreement as the starting point. And, both lawyers know that, so each will be looking to prepare a judgment with the least restrictions for his/her client while locking the opposing party in as tightly as possible on all agreements.

The next-to-final step is going before the Judge to make the oral proofs required by law and obtain the Judge’s signature and oral pronouncement of divorce.

Then the final step, from the lawyer’s perspective, takes place. A certified copy of the Decree and certain other relevant documents are ordered from the District Clerk and sent to the appropriate agencies or entities. Wage withholding orders are sent out to employers. Deeds, Deeds of Trust, Deeds of Trust to Secure Assumption, Real Estate Lien Notes, Powers of Attorney and Assignments of Interest are filed with the County Clerk and then sent to the appropriate people, companies and agencies. There can be numerous types of closing documents in a case and numerous people or entities through which they must pass before the implementation of the agreement is complete.

FAILED MEDIATION – GEARING UP FOR TRIAL

But, what happens when the mediation fails? After the Mediator declares an impasse and notifies the Court of that impasse in writing, each attorney must gear up for trial. Now s/he commits even the minutia to memory. S/he practices the presentation. S/he must copy the documents, mark exhibits, exchange exhibits, make exhibit lists, prepare trial motions for the court, prepare the jury charge if it has not already been done or carefully hone its wording for submission, prepare proposed divisions of property for the court, prepare suggested rulings regarding the children for the court, prepare aids for the court and/or jury (these are not necessarily evidence, though they can be, but are usually used as visual aids to the oral presentation), subpoena the witnesses, pay the experts, refine the strategy, etc. As a general rule, two hours of preparation time are needed for every hour of anticipated non-jury trial time. Three to four hours of preparation time are required for every hour anticipated for a jury trial.

TRIAL

Finally, trial begins! This day or these ensuing days, depending on the length of the case, will be long days for the attorney and client. It is imperative for clients to understand that there is a great deal of “down time” in the courtroom. Ancillary matters pertaining to other cases either delay the start of trial each day or cause numerous interruptions during the course of the trial. This waiting and these interruptions are frustrating, disruptive and exhausting. And, attorneys are paid during this down time.

If the trial lasts more than one day, there will be additional work to be done in the attorney’s office and perhaps with the client or witnesses before the commencement of each succeeding day. If a trial carries over into a succeeding week, the weekend will be filled with additional work for twelve or more hours per day. And, then, finally, the trial is over.

AND AGAIN – THE FINAL WORK

After the trial, the court’s judgment must be reduced to writing and all of the ancillary documents prepared in the same manner and with the same expense described above in the post-successful-mediation section.

COLLABORATIVE LAW – AN ALTERNATIVE

A COUPLE’S CHOICE

There is an alternative to the emotional and financial bloodbath described above but it takes BOTH PARTNERS agreeing NOT TO FIGHT, not to subject themselves, their estate or their children to what has been described above. And, during the alternative process of getting to divorce, it takes these two people recommitting themselves to that promise over and over again during the impasses, arguments, frustrations and bouts of fear.

THE PROCESS – HOW IT CAME TO BE

First, let me say that I have been hearing the pleas of litigants for years for some more sane way to get divorced and for a process that is gentler than mediation the way it is practiced in Texas (other states do it very differently). The concept of Collaborative Law was developed by a lawyer in Minnesota over ten years ago. Since the, Collaborative Law has spread of its own volition and is winning favor in every state where lawyers have voluntarily trained to learn this new way of getting clients through the divorce process. While Texas is a newcomer to the process, it is the first state in the nation to have a statute which acknowledges Collaborative Law as an alternative to litigation and prohibits the courts from interfering with the Collaborative Law process once litigants have declared their desire to avoid litigation. This is important in light of the “rocket docket” philosophy mandated by the Texas Supreme Court which attempts to force all cases to trial or settlement within six months. The new law prevents the courts from imposing arbitrary deadlines on litigants, with which attorneys must comply, and which cost the litigants additional money but which will in no way achieve the goal of a swift trial or settlement. The Texas Collaborative Law statute avoids all of that by instructing the District Clerks to literally move the Collaborative Law cases off the courts’ trial dockets, thereby avoiding imposition of arbitrary deadlines and their associated expenses.

THE PROCESS – HOW IT WORKS

In Collaborative Law, the parties and their collaboratively trained attorneys agree:

not to take their divorce dispute to court for any reason;

to attend a series of four-way meetings where each issue of the divorce will be discussed, all fears about the future will be aired, all alternatives will be examined and conclusions satisfactory to each party will be reached with compassion and respect for the needs, wants and fears of each party; and,

to enter into a Participation Agreement, which is a contract which sets forth, at a minimum, the following matters:

neither party will seek court intervention during the process, with the exception that the parties may agree to enter into Agreed Temporary Orders through negotiation, which orders are then filed with the Court and signed by the Judge, thus becoming enforceable orders in the event the Collaborative Law process should be terminated;

both parties will be absolutely honest and not only disclose all information requested by the other spouse, no matter how damaging or painful, but also voluntarily provide all documentation requested or known to be reasonably needed by the other spouse in order to make an informed decision about the division of the estate and/or custody, support and possession of or access to the minor children of the marriage;

the parties will not dredge up the past and will not make unfounded accusations out of pain and anger;

the divorce issues will not be discussed with the children or in the presence of the children without the joint consent and presence of both parties and, possibly, with the input, advice and/or presence of a mental health professional trained in child development;

the parties may use a jointly retained, neutral expert where needed to understand or resolve an issue and this expert will be formally bound to the same standard of good faith and full disclosure as the parties;

in the event of a perceived impasse, the parties will bring in a trained Mediator to attempt a resolution of the problematic matter before discontinuing the Collaborative Law process;

neither party can be forced to sign any agreement unless the party fully understands the agreement and desires to enter into the agreement; and,

should an impasse occur or should one party decide to terminate the Collaborative Law process and seek court intervention BOTH ATTORNEYS MUST WITHDRAW FROM THE CASE AND WILL BE, THEREAFTER, FOREVER DISQUALIFIED FROM REPRESENTING EITHER PARTY OR IN ANY MANNER PARTICIPATING IN FUTURE LITIGATION BETWEEN THE PARTIES and any jointly retained experts will also, thereafter, be disqualified from working on the case or testifying at trial. The departing attorneys are allowed to assist their respective clients in retaining litigation counsel and making an orderly transition of the file.

After a series of four-way meetings, as many as needed, over as long or short a period of time as is required to achieve the goal, on a schedule which accommodates the lives of the parties and their children, using jointly-retained experts when and if needed, the parties will end up with an AGREEMENT FASHIONED BY THE PARTIES, which has not been handed down by some disinterested stranger(s) with limited facts about this couple and their children.

Once the agreement has been reached, the attorneys then must prepare the Final Decree of Divorce and other ancillary documents to implement the agreement in the same manner described in the section on “FINAL WORK” above.

BIGGEST FEARS ABOUT COLLABORATIVE LAW

Most people are intrigued by the idea of Collaborative Law until they get to the part about both attorneys being required to withdraw in the event of unresolvable impasse or the unilateral decision of one party to terminate the process. The greatest concern is that the money invested in the process will have been wasted. My two responses are simple. In reality, this rarely ever happens and the vast majority of the work accomplished by the collaborative lawyers is not lost. It is simply passed on to the litigation attorneys.

In making the decision to enter this new field, I spoke personally with experienced collaborative attorneys across the country, read numerous articles by them and attended seminars put on by them. It was the first concern I expressed to them, and they responded similarly to me. Because of the work done with each party by each collaborative attorney, the people who make it far enough into the collaborative process to sign a Participation Agreement have been made aware of the complexities of the process and have determined in their own minds that the horrific emotional and financial disadvantages of the litigation process are to be avoided at all costs. When an impasse is imminent, the attorneys refocus their clients on that original decision. It is quite effective.

In those rare cases where the parties are unsuccessful in the collaborative process, each attorney has the responsibility of bringing the new litigation attorney “up to speed” in the sense that the attorney’s file, including the attorney’s work product, mental impressions and documents exchanged are turned over to the new attorney. The litigation attorney then picks up where the collaborative attorney left off but broadens the scope and depth of the discovery process in order to prepare for trial.

The second greatest fear of potential participants concerns the perception that the other spouse will not be forthcoming with information or documentation or will simply not listen to what the fearful spouse has to say. It is here that the collaboratively trained attorneys do their best work. It is the responsibility of the attorney representing the recalcitrant client or the overbearing client to correct the client’s inappropriate behavior and secure his/her cooperation in the process. Additionally, because the attorney representing the other spouse has the right to speak directly to this recalcitrant or overbearing spouse, this attorney, too, is able to work at redirecting that behavior. With the two attorneys working toward the goal of maintaining the integrity of the collaborative process, inappropriate behavior is usually corrected sufficiently to get the couple to the end goal of an agreed divorce.

TOP 5 ADVANTAGES OF COLLABORATIVE LAW

I know, it’s supposed to be the “top 10″, but for the sake of brevity, we will stick with five because, these five are the opposites of the litigation process:

5. Cuts down on duplication of work done by attorneys and experts, leading to a significant savings of money!

One of the things I pointed out about the litigation model was that at all times, two attorneys were doing the same work at the same time and each charging by the hour to do that work. That is a huge expense. In the Collaborative Law process, this duplication can be cut by at least 50% or more because of the narrowing of the scope of investigation and the ability of each attorney to obtain information directly from both parties in informal discussion without the resort to expensive discovery tools. The use of jointly retained, neutral experts obviously cuts down on costs; but, there is another aspect to this element which is not apparent to the layperson. One neutral expert can sometimes do either the gathering and/or analysis of information at an hourly rate which is less than either attorney’s hourly rate. A well-qualified expert might, for instance, analyze investment information or financial planning options for the couple and make a presentation to the attorneys and the parties at a four-way session, thereby eliminating hours of work by both attorneys. This is not to suggest that attorneys would abdicate their ultimate investigative or analytical responsibilities, but this technique can diminish the time necessary to reach a conclusion. That leaves more money in the estate for the parties to divide.

4. Promotes effective communication!

In order to come to an agreement into which both parties are willing to enter, there must be some “serious talking.” Whatever communication problems existed before the decision to divorce was made, the parties will necessarily have to overcome a significant number of them to attain the goal. This will require courage on the part of the spouses because anger, fear and resentment will inevitably surface during the four-way sessions. It is the job of the attorneys to provide the spouses a safe environment in which to air all of these emotions while at the same time preventing the spouses from slipping into old, comfortable, but usually counter-productive, communication habits. Collaborative lawyers are trained to use open-ended questions which can instantaneously refocus the parties from dwelling on past hurts back to expressing their views and concerns about the future. During the several four-way sessions where these techniques are used, the parties begin to pick up skills which they take with them into the post-divorce family structure.

3. “Ac-cen-tu-ates the Positive, E-lim-I-nates the Negative, and Doesn’t Mess With Mr. In-Be-tween”

One of the points highlighted in the discourse on litigation above was the impact upon each party of dwelling upon the past and focusing on the negative behaviors and traits of the opposing party throughout the divorce process. Litigants rarely overcome the impact of participating in this backward-looking and exaggerating process or being the recipient of its focus. Because this technique is actively and forcefully discouraged by the collaboratively trained attorneys, the parties never get very far down this slippery slop to emotional disaster before it is curtailed. This is not to say that a collaborative divorce is not painful or that there is no emotional aftermath. But, because the parties are required to conduct themselves in a dignified and respectful manner even during moments of high tension and because they have the assistance of their collaboratively trained attorneys to enforce the rules of behavior during these emotionally charged periods, the parties do not have to contend, in addition to the pain occasioned by the loss of the relationship, with post-divorce embarrassment of having engaged in deplorable, disrespectful conduct or of being its recipient. There is much to be said for leaving any bad situation with one’s head held high and the sure belief that one was treated fairly and with respect. Because the attorneys are required to work together to identify the emotional traps set by the party’s old communication style and help the spouses avoid them during negotiation, each spouse’s energy is preserved for resolution of important future issues rather than dissipated in tautological (cat-chasing-the-tail) arguments and baseless or hopelessly distorted and exaggerated accusations hurled in the heat of passion.

2. Post-Divorce Family Integrity

Having avoided the financial drain of litigation, which in its own right tends to raise the fear level of litigants, having possibly been exposed to better methods of communication with the now-former spouse and having avoided the great “Negative Abyss” of trial, the parties and their children have a more positive attitude toward the construction of a post-divorce family and their place in it. This is, obviously, critical where there are children.

1. ADHERENCE TO AGREEMENTS

And the Number One biggest advantage of the Collaborative Law process is that people are far more likely to adhere to an agreement which they had a personal role in building than one imposed upon them by a Judge, Jury or Mediator. Having been treated with respect during the course of the negotiation and having left the process with a sense of personal dignity and self-respect (and, maybe, even some new-found respect for or understanding of the other party), each party is far more likely to personally “own” the agreement and behave toward the agreement with a high degree of integrity.

CONCLUSION

As an attorney who has been a litigator for sixteen years, I can participate in the emotional and financial carnage of trial preparation and trial if my client so desires. But, where two people have a strong desire to avoid that carnage, I have now embraced the philosophy and taken the training required to offer them a less painful alternative. I urge couples to strongly consider this possibility.

Via: http://www.smartdivorcenetwork.com/2016/12/31/collaborative-law-bloodless-alternative/

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smartdivorcenet · 8 years ago

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Tips For Reinventing Yourself After A Divorce http://smartdivorcenetwork.blogspot.com/2017/01/tips-for-reinventing-yourself-after.html https://smartdivorcenetworkblog.files.wordpress.com/2017/01/reinvent-yourself.jpg?w=1200

Divorce is a challenging and emotionally charge period. If you have already signed divorce papers, well then you will already know this. But no matter your situation, regardless if you have kids together, a mortgage or some other ties, there is one thing that you know, you need to do. It’s time to change, experience where you are in the world and reinvent yourself. In this article we will reveal some tips that can help you move forward through a divorce and on to enjoying the other, sunnier side of life.

Tip #1 – Properly Mourn

You might be thinking how can I move forward if I’m mourning about the past. Well it is simple, the best way to get over an emotional and challenging memory is to confront them, experience them and naturally react to them.

It is only when you identify your feelings towards your divorce and go through the proceeding emotions that you will have the best chance to cope with what has happened and move forward. These feeling must be experience at some point and can only be bottled up for a limited amount of time. It’s better you finish your mourning before you start changing and reinventing yourself, as once you go through it, it will be easier to forget about it and you will be less likely to revisit it later on in the next couple months or the years that follow.

Tip #2 – Start Physically Reinventing Yourself

Sometimes it is hard to see progress emotionally, while this is all part of going through a divorce, some individuals respond better to physical changes. Take for example a change in appearance or a newer, fitter and leaner you. Not only can the physically changes like losing weight, increasing fitness, strength or toning up can promote a therapeutic feeling of progress, but also running and other exercises can help you emotionally push through the feeling of divorce. There is never going to be a better time to sign up to a gym, buy a weight loss / bodybuilding supplement, plan your diet and move forward in your new, single and full of potential life.

Tip #3 – Experience and Discover New Things

Often in a marriage, couples get into a routine, they experience and perform tasks that they might not otherwise have done without each other. To either support a partner or performing activities required as a result of the relationship, breaking this routine can be somewhat uplifting and therapeutic.

Understanding your new situation and surrounds can help open up the opportunity to experience new and wonderful things. It is not odd, to see individuals pick up new hobbies and love new activities that they otherwise would have never experienced. Continue experiencing the new and wonderful things in the world and soon enough this tough period in your life will be an experience rarely thought of.

Via: http://www.smartdivorcenetwork.com/2016/12/27/tips-reinventing-divorce/

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smartdivorcenet · 8 years ago

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Rediscover Yourself After Divorce With 5 Key Points! http://smartdivorcenetwork.blogspot.com/2017/01/rediscover-yourself-after-divorce-with.html https://smartdivorcenetworkblog.files.wordpress.com/2017/01/rediscover-yourself-after-divorce.jpg?w=1200

Divorce is not the end! The relationship started by two individuals may have come to an end, but have you stopped doing your daily tasks? No! Then, why not live with the truth and start a new journey? There are numerous divorce cases fought by divorce lawyers around the world, but with the help of meditation, motivational session, etc. both the counterparts can live a happy life.

I believe that everyone’s divorce is different in nature. This means every individual needs to deal with it differently. Maybe you have been released by your abusive relationship, maybe you are heartbroken. Maybe you have kids, maybe you not. Whatever is the case, the journey ahead will be challenging – financially, emotionally and mentally.

Let us discuss some steps that will help you rebuild your weakness –

1. Work on your Feelings

Your feelings will play a key role. Do not carry a baggage of sorrows due to your previous relationship. Now, is the time you need to focus on the present, irrespective of your past experience. Find a way to work on your emotions to diminish the impact and rebuild emotional instability. I suggest looking for psychologists or specialists with whom you can walk towards the path of happiness and growth.

2. Learn to Enjoy your Own Company

Believe in the fact that only you are responsible for your happiness. Life is a journey, which brings both, joy and sorrows, but the person who knows how to be live in every situation is a person in a true sense. Your relationship didn’t work, doesn’t means that there is anything wrong with you. You have to heal your inner-self and do things that give you bliss and contentment. Trust me, if you are happy with yourself, nothing unfortunate can affect you for a longer time.

3. Work on your Strengths

When you are married, you get busy with many things that push you away from your real talent. Your unfulfilled dreams and desires lose their importance, somewhere. Get up as now is the time to brush-up your skills and fulfill your incomplete dreams. Increase your self-confidence, and be your best friend.

4. Being Alone Does not Mean Living Isolated

Just because now you are alone, does not mean you have to live isolated or close your door for someone special. In fact, society has learned to accept singles, who grew into successful entrepreneurs. This phase of your life will help you explore different people and learning new and exciting things that you were unaware, earlier.

5. Embrace New Phase of Life

When you are coupled for many years, it becomes difficult to adapt to the new circumstances. I can understand the feelings one goes through, but the positive your life becomes, the better you will let go your hardship. Embrace what comes to you. Live with the flow and do not let your past ruin your future. As you get introduced to new roles, cherish them and take this as an opportunity to learn. Dealing with new situations will increase your confidence to a new level.

Figure out what makes you happy. As you get into this phase, do not be despair with life. Every day is a new beginning. Once your divorce has been fought by family divorce lawyers, you should move on in your life and grow as a better individual. Rediscover yourself!

Via: http://www.smartdivorcenetwork.com/2016/12/09/rediscover-yourself-after-divorce-with-5-key-points/

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smartdivorcenet · 8 years ago

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Handling “The Divorce” Conversation with Family During the Holidays http://smartdivorcenetwork.blogspot.com/2017/01/handling-divorce-conversation-with.html https://smartdivorcenetworkblog.files.wordpress.com/2017/01/divorce-holidays.jpg?w=1200

Divorce is hard enough. Add the holidays and questions from family and friends and it can be downright unbearable. Your family and friends are trying your best to be there for you, or you have the odd cousin that seems smug about your recent predicament – either way it’s hard.

Often the most difficult conversations to have are the ones with family that cares deeply about you but isn’t quite sure how to be helpful in the way they go about it. This can lead to discomfort, embarrassment, and even unnecessary frustration. Much of the time this is actually because your family genuinely doesn’t know the best way to help you – here are a couple tips to help with that.

Ask someone you trust for help with spreading the word

It can be a really good idea to go ahead and give the group you’ll be with a heads up. Truth of the matter is your family and friends are discussing your situation and how to navigate it. Select a person you trust and know has your best interest in mind and tell them to spread the word – asking for exactly what you need. It can be exhausting to have the same conversation over and over again – let your friend do the heavy lifting for you. Select which details you’d like them to know and explicitly tell them how you’d like to have it dealt with. It can take a lot off your hands to have someone act as the front runner and explain to those you love how they can be supportive.

Be honest about what you are comfortable discussing

You know what? People don’t commonly akin divorce to death, but that is exactly what it is. It is the loss of someone who played a vital role and presence in your life. The difference is most people know how to talk appropriately during a death in the family, while most will not know how to talk to you during a divorce. Be honest about what you’re comfortable discussing and be prepared for seemingly inappropriate comments and assumptions about how you are feeling.

Unlike many other comparable difficult situations in life – like death in the family – there are a thousand ways you could feel about your divorce. Angry. Happy. Relieved. Sad. Neutral. Nostalgic. Bittersweet. Desperate. Terrified. Anxious. Divorce has such a unique mix of emotions it’s impossible for those around you to know how they can be supportive without you clearly defining the help you need and telling them what you are comfortable discussing.

Consider limiting social time

While support and being surrounded by family and friends during a difficult time can be wonderful, it can also be draining and sometimes lead to additional sadness. Also, depending where you are in your divorce, you might not have the answers to a lot of the questions that might be asked and that can cause added anxiety. Therefore, there is such a thing as too much family and friend time. Consider limiting your social time to prevent yourself from being exhausted or overwhelmed.

Divorce is tough and ultimately your family and friends want to help – but most will not know how. It’s up to you to ask for what you need.

Via: http://www.smartdivorcenetwork.com/2016/12/07/handling-divorce-with-family-during-the-holidays/

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smartdivorcenet · 9 years ago

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Dating After 50 And Social Media http://smartdivorcenetwork.blogspot.com/2016/11/dating-after-50-and-social-media.html https://smartdivorcenetworkblog.files.wordpress.com/2016/11/dating-after-50.jpg?w=1200

Zoosk, Christian Mingle, Match.Com-these are just a few of the popular dating sites that have been ruling millennials dating scene. It doesn’t matter if you are searching for a fling or a long-term relationship; the idea of dating after 50 has changed drastically with this generation due to the rise of online dating.

However, if you find yourself being unfamiliar with how social media works, using these tools can be a challenge to figure out todays dating landscape. It doesn’t matter if you find yourself single late in life or if you have yet to marry, dating after 50 can be difficult for most everyone. For me, being a single mother, soon to turn 52, with both my children still under their teen years, this can be one scary step.

While all the traditional ways of dating do still exist, let’s face it, times have changed. It’s a big scary world out there and getting to know someone over the internet is even more challenging than running into a person at a club and talking face to face as it once was in our younger days. Remember when clubs existed? That’s like looking at a pay phone and having your children ask you “what is that old thing”.

There are plenty of apps and dating sites to pick and choose from giving you options so that you can be careful in picking the ones you feel comfortable with. Don’t make the same mistakes as you read where other singles wish they had never signed up.

Here are a few tips for singles while learning how to date when you are over 50.

Assuming you should ask for a second date while on the first date.

Want to know what awkward feels like really fast? Assume that you both are having enough fun that you jump right in and ask for a second date while you are on the first date and they say, “Um, let me think about that”. Ouch! Never jump that fast on the very first date. Remember, your date may not be as comfortable on the dating scene as you.

While you may feel comfortable asking for a second date because you have enjoyed the first one, give it some time before you go in for a second step. Years ago before divorce, tense courtship and mistrust came along it was nothing to ask for round two, especially if marriage was on the brain. But this isn’t 30 years ago and today’s world is by far the same.

Putting yourself and your date in a situation where you’ve asked point blank for a second date puts you both in a predicament where it would be hard to say no. Imagine how awkward the goodbye would be if you were told “nope, not gonna happen” or how uncomfortable the remainder of the first date would be. Be patient for yourself and your date. Exchange emails and phone numbers so that you both can take time to talk and text getting to know more about the other before that next step is taken.

Listening Is As Important As Talking

With this being said, listening to each other is a must for both parties. Have you ever been on a date or just had a conversation where you felt as though you didn’t get one word in? Did you lose interest fast because you’ve sat there and heard someone’s’ entire life story without you saying one word? Listening has got to be a two-way street. You have to learn to talk just as well as listen. Don’t go on a date being so tense that you don’t join the conversation, leaving it up to your date to carry the entire evening. Let them know about yourself. Do you have children? Are your parents alive? (It’s best to leave out politics and religion until later). After reaching our 50’s, we all have so much to convey, but it makes for a much interesting date if listening is mutual.

Go With the Flow

This part is directed to both parties; however, women into their 50’s have a tendency to look to their dates as potential long-term partners. Most women say they do this because they aren’t interested in wasting their time. However, slow down, enjoy the ride. Nothing is wrong with going slow and really getting to know that person. As the saying goes, “to really know a person you must be around them when their internet connection is slow”. All kidding aside, you really don’t know a person until you have seen them in different situations. If you have already decided he or she was worth a date, take your time and see where it goes before jumping to judgement on the first date.

Leave the Past in the Past

This is where it gets tricky. You want to know this person better and you want to share your history with this person but you aren’t ready to lay all the cards on the table, right? We are all in different stages of our lives; however, those of us who are into our 50’s probably have a marriage (or two) under our belts or at least have had a couple relationships. Packing this luggage up and hauling it onto every date is really not necessary. When you do this you will see that the more luggage you carry the less you are able to concentrate on what is in front of you instead of what’s behind you. On your first date, maybe even the second, keep things light and casual. Talk about your interest and goals in life. Once you see things may be progressing into a more committed relationship then is the time to discuss the past if you feel it’s necessary. But while just dating, enjoy each other and have fun.

That Naughty Subject of Sex

Ok, let’s face it, men and women will differ on this topic as usual, but, people aren’t joining dating sites and getting out into the dating scene simply to find a card playing buddy or someone to go hiking on the weekends. Although, sexless relationships are a growing thing with today’s seniors, making companionship the number one reason online dating sites have becomes so popular. Having an active sex life is still important to those of us in our 50’s. Most women will use the term, “I’m not jumping into bed with you” as a warning that, “I want to be friends first” is important to her. And, that’s ok. Closeness is as important as getting to know each other is in the beginning. There is a huge difference between men and women when it comes to sex. Men have sex with a woman to find out if there is a chance of a relationship. Women have sex with a man because she believes the relationship already exists.

One thing we can all agree on is the human mind and body is made to crave stimulation. That stimulation can be a beautiful thing when two people find it in one another. Take your time and enjoy the fun while getting to know yourself as a single person but also allow yourself you open up to other adults. You may find it easy to step back into the dating scene or you made need a little easing into it. Whatever your situation is, be cautious of others, be even more cautious of yourself and these new feelings you are about to experience, all while having the time of your life.

Via: http://www.smartdivorcenetwork.com/2016/11/27/dating-after-50-and-social-media/

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smartdivorcenet · 9 years ago

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9 Steps to Recovering from a Break-Up http://smartdivorcenetwork.blogspot.com/2016/11/9-steps-to-recovering-from-break-up.html http://feeds.wordpress.com/1.0/comments/smartdivorcenetworkblog.wordpress.com/101/

If you love someone with all of your might, you are also that close to having a massive heartbreak. If you’ve recently broken up with someone whom you’ve given all your heart to, it can be the most earth shattering experience you can ever have. Even if it’s you’re 2nd, 3rd, or 4th heartbreak, nothing is ever easy when it’s your heart that’s being stabbed.

There’s not one sure solution to mending a broken heart, nor is there a pill that can make you recover overnight after a break-up. The road to recovery is a long and sometimes, very difficult journey to take. But once you do get out of that dark shadow, you’ll look back at the moment with a bittersweet understanding that break-ups are oftentimes blessings in disguise.

Here are 9 steps to recovering from a break-up:

1. Cry

Yes, it hurts. It feels like your heart is being ripped off your chest. It feels like the world is out to get you when all you’ve ever done is love this person. Cry your heart out and feel all the hurt you’re feeling. Take an hour or an entire day, close your room, and just let it all out. Tears are the body’s way of unloading our pain – without it, all that hurt will be trapped inside without you being able to let it go. So use your tears, cry a river and just grieve whatever it is that you lost.

2. Talk to your family or friends

Look for that one person whom you know will listen and understand you. Ask that person to take some time off work or whatever it is they’re doing so you can talk to them. Go to that person and say everything that you are feeling. Tell your sister or your best friend how much your heart hurts, how this person has done you wrong, and how you feel like it’s the end of the world. It’s important to have someone whom you can pour your entire heart to – so tell this person every single thing that you’re feeling and don’t keep your emotions bottled up.

It’s important that you also get a different perspective of what’s happening to you. Since you’re the one who’s hurt, you can’t really see the big picture of your circumstance. Your friends or family see you out of your bubble, and they’ll be able to give you a different view of what you’re going through.

3. Write

If talking to your friends or family isn’t enough, then write down all your thoughts and emotions. If you want to say mean things to your ex, then write it down. Or if you play the guitar, make an angry song. Or if you paint, then paint your emotions. Catharsis is very important in recovering from a break – up, so write, or sing it out, or paint the darkest images you can paint.

4. Take Care of Yourself

So you’ve cried a river, talked to your friends about it, and let the pain out through creative means. Now it’s time you take care of yourself. Get a massage and let a stranger give you a relaxing experience. If you’re on a diet, have a cheat day and eat the most scrumptious cake you can get your hands on. Buy yourself a new pair of shoes, or clothes, or a new phone. Relax and take your mind off the hurt by taking care of you and you alone.

5. Do Something You’ve Always Wanted To Do

Once you’ve cried it out and let all the hurt out of your system, the next emotion you may be having is anger. For so many months or years, you gave this person all of your time and love, only to have that person shatter it into small little pieces. So get that anger out and do something your ex has always stopped you from doing. If your ex hated Karaoke, then sing your heart out at a Karaoke bar tonight. If your ex stopped you from getting a Master’s degree, then it’s about time you enrolled! Does your ex hate jazz? Then by all means, go to a jazz club and actually enjoy it! By the end of the day, you’ll sure to have a big smile on your face.

6. Do Something New

Okay, so you’ve made your ex angry (in your mind). Now it’s time to do something new. Does the sight of people playing frisbee at the park interest you? Then why don’t you give it a try? Or enroll in a French cooking class. By exposing yourself to new experiences and being around new people, you are rewiring your brain into thinking you are actually in an entirely different world from the one that guts your heart.

7. Stay Away from Things and Places that Remind You of Your Ex – For a While

For the first few days or even weeks, it’s healthy on your heart to stay away from places you and your ex frequented. It could be a favorite restaurant, the place where you first met, or even your own apartment. You can stay at your parents’ or a friends’ place for the meantime, just until the initial blow of the break-up has passed. But after a while, gradually expose yourself to all the places and all the things that remind you of your ex. Slowly visit the places and slowly listen to the songs again – disassociate these things and places from your ex gradually, so you can start to move forward.

8. Go Out

Once the pain subsides, well, it probably won’t for a while. But once you can face the world without crying at the mere thought of your ex, then it’s time to live a little and go out. Go out with your friends for lunch, or go to a party. Enjoy yourself and the company of those who love you and use this time to meet new people. Don’t pressure yourself into jumping into another relationship – use this time to enjoy being single and meet people on the side. It’s always healthy to flirt but don’t take it seriously – just yet.

9. Learn the Lessons You Are Supposed to Make

In each and every experience, there is always a lesson that you can take from it. If you say you did everything right, then it may be time to ask yourself why you didn’t see the heartbreak coming. Maybe you trusted too much or you ignored the red flags – which is something that you have to learn if and when you get into another relationship. Always take the lessons with you and use it so you can make better decisions in the future.

Break-ups are difficult every single time. But you don’t have to wallow in your misery forever – by using these tips, you can alleviate the pain and maybe even move forward faster than you think. They key to recovery after a break-up is to process the pain, surround yourself with social support, take care of yourself and be happy, and lastly, to learn the lessons and use them.

Via: http://www.smartdivorcenetwork.com/2014/11/26/9-steps-break-up/

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smartdivorcenet · 9 years ago

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Simple Effective Divorce Tips http://smartdivorcenetwork.blogspot.com/2016/11/simple-effective-divorce-tips.html http://feeds.wordpress.com/1.0/comments/smartdivorcenetworkblog.wordpress.com/97/

Every divorce is different. Some are amicable some are not. Divorce can cause hostility, frustration and disrespect. All of these are normal. Here are some divorce tips to keep in the back of your mind when you are going through the divorce process. They may even be helpful after your divorce as well.

1. No matter how hard it is keep your chin up and smile. This may be difficult, however smiling is proven to lower your stress and anxiety.

Smiling releases endorphin’s which helps you manage your stress in a more positive way. With stress comes a weakened immune system and by smiling your immune system becomes stronger. Smiling is the easiest way to keep you healthy and a boost your mood during a divorce.

2. When going through a divorce you will have many topics that will need to be discussed with your soon to be ex.

Some conversations will get heated. Always listen to what your future ex has to say. Keep calm and process the conversation before responding. Don’t react too soon, you may regret what you say. After thinking about what was discussed, respond rationally and try not to accuse or get argumentative. If the other person gets argumentative or defensive tell them you would be glad to continue the conversation once they are ready to talk to you in a calm manner. This will help alleviate any arguments and keep the conversation on task.

3. When you need someone to talk to, or you need a shoulder to cry on find a counselor, a close family member or a friend.

You may think you can get through this on your own and maybe you can, but why not have someone help you get through the emotional distress of your situation? This could be a positive not only for you but for your close family and friends. You opening up to them and asking them for help can help them see and understand what you are going through. Having family, friends or even a counselor there for you will help you get through all of the struggles you fare during and after a divorce.

These divorce tips helped me get through my divorce. Looking back, I am glad I relied on others to help me get through the emotional aspects of this difficult situation. If you ever need to talk to people who are or have been in similar situations, join our free divorce community and get the support you need.

Via: http://www.smartdivorcenetwork.com/2015/01/12/divorce-tips/

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smartdivorcenet · 9 years ago

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Acceptance: Learning to Dance in the Rain http://smartdivorcenetwork.blogspot.com/2016/11/acceptance-learning-to-dance-in-rain.html https://smartdivorcenetworkblog.files.wordpress.com/2016/11/threesteps.jpg?w=1200

At some point I stopped trying to figure out what happened – what went horribly wrong and how quickly the secure and comfortable walls around me fell. I stopped trying to put the sharp, jaded pieces of glass that resembled my now messy and very broken life back together. After many failed attempts of trying to put what once was back together, I realized it was time to move forward. And, honestly, for a while I struggled with how to do that.

You see, it was a scary thing to do – to let go of a comfortable and (seemingly) secure kind of life. I knew it meant saying good-bye to people whom I had come to love dearly and whom I greatly treasured. It would include walking away from dreams and expectations that had become a part of my very soul. Gone were many visions of what I had expected and counted on as being my reality.

The life I have now is hardly the life I imagined or dreamed about. The exhausted, worn-out single parent look was not a look I desired to wear by any means. But, it IS the look I now wear – and with style I must add. (Yes, those dark spots, aka bags under my eyes, are the greatest badges of honor I wear…daily.)

For a while, I resisted the change. I avoided the subject. I refused to associate with ‘single parent status’. I think I resisted out of ‘educated fear’. And by that I mean I had done my homework on the single parent research. The outcome data for single parents and their children, let’s just be frank, were less than celebratory. And so, for a while, I avoided it all like the plague.

And then, given some very divine intervention, it dawned on me that this avoidance pattern had me running. And all of this running was hindering me from moving forward. I had to face the uncomfortable and unpleasant feelings and thoughts of this life altering life-change. I had to accept what was and to stop avoiding the uncomfortable.

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy

John Murphy, from the University of Central Arkansas, equates thought and feeling avoidance to that of running in a rainstorm as he describes a way to deal with such uncomfortable feelings and thoughts through Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT). He states the avoidance comes when one tries to dodge the drops of rain in order to avoid becoming wet, but in fact what one ends up doing is just running in circles. According to Murphy, this avoidance pattern ultimately prevents you from going anywhere.

I couldn’t help but think, after reading this approach to dealing with the uncomfortable, how life-altering changes can resemble that of running in a rainstorm… Life-altering change can resemble that of a storm in which we find ourselves. Not wanting to face the unfamiliar, we cling to what once was while trying to avoid the unknown ahead. Instead of embracing the opportunity to move forward by dancing in the rain, we instead end up trying to avoid it and find ourselves stuck in an unprogressive circle or unproductive pattern of behaviors.

According to Murphy’s explanation of ACT, one must thoughtfully engage in answering the question, “Are you willing to do what it takes in order to attain the life that you want?” I like this question, but at the same time recognize just how big of a question it is. When life has dealt you a rough hand, it’s often more comfortable to sit back and to see circumstances as events that just happen to you and that you are powerless to change versus seeing that you have the choice to do something about those circumstances.

What if answering this big question includes accepting the feelings and thoughts you have while not engaging in behaviors of avoidance? ACT, accordingly, seeks to help individuals to recognize one’s values and goals, identify presenting barriers to reaching those goals and committing to take the necessary actions to reach one’s goals. It’s also about recognizing that the thoughts we have are not necessarily absolute truths. We need to mediate on thoughts that are in fact the truth. Just because I think it, does not mean the thought is true.

Here are three steps to get you started. Try writing the following out on a notecard or record in a journal to refer back to along the way to attaining that life you want.

I think if we are being completely honest, it takes courage to dance in the rain and to take the risk of getting wet. It takes courage to deal with uncomfortable thoughts and feelings instead of engaging in avoidance behaviors. But, sometimes, we have to do those very things that we are afraid to do if we truly want a great life. Isn’t that what courage is all about – sometimes we have to do the things we are afraid to do?

When we do take that risk to dance in the rain and to allow ourselves to get wet, we find that those things that were once uncomfortable and had us running won’t affect us in the same way anymore. They won’t have a hold on us like they once did, because we made the choice to step forward and out of the circle.

Oh, yes, how true it is that life will come at us in ways we did not expect. Disappointment and hurt will come by means of dreams that may be deferred indefinitely. But, what if the disappointment and hurt are opportunities to build something better? What if they are opportunities to build courage and character?

Courage comes when I allow myself to face and to not avoid those uncomfortable feelings and thoughts. Courage is dealing with those feelings and thoughts so they can no longer hold me back from living the life I want to live. Courage is allowing oneself to get wet and to dance in the rain.

I’ve come to learn, through many of those dreams deferred in fact, that sometimes the rain isn’t all that bad. Yes, I have been disappointed and have been hurt. But, I am still loved and have many people to love (and that is a truth worth meditating on). I may no longer have the dreams I once did, but I now have new and improved dreams – ones that I wouldn’t have if it weren’t for this life altering change. And, every day, I’m learning how to dance in the rain.

Reference: Murphy, John (2006). Acceptance and Commitment Therapy in Schools: Prevention and Intervention Possibilities. Presented at the NASP Conference in Anaheim, CA.

Via: http://www.smartdivorcenetwork.com/2015/01/26/acceptance-learning-dance-rain/

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smartdivorcenet · 9 years ago

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Sexless Relationship: 5 Tips For Saving Your Sex Life And Relationship http://smartdivorcenetwork.blogspot.com/2016/11/sexless-relationship-5-tips-for-saving.html http://feeds.wordpress.com/1.0/comments/smartdivorcenetworkblog.wordpress.com/83/

Our author Sarah Hughes recently wrote this article for divorcedmoms.com. You can read it here:

http://divorcedmoms.com/articles/sexless-relationship-5-tips-for-saving-your-sex-life-and-relationship

You can visit our website here: Smart Divorce Network

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smartdivorcenet · 9 years ago

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The Truth About Blended Family Advice: What Parents Really Ought to Pay Attention To http://smartdivorcenetwork.blogspot.com/2016/11/the-truth-about-blended-family-advice.html https://smartdivorcenetworkblog.files.wordpress.com/2016/11/blended-family-advice.jpg?w=1200

Wise blended family advice would certainly be helpful to a couple with children from a previous relationship and who are considering coming together to form one family. Unfortunately, blended family advice that is actually useful, realistic, and practical isn’t easy to come by. In fact, a lot of advice that parents in future or existing blended families receive are often misleading, giving rise to disappointment — or even worse — broken family relationships.

However, the outlook for blended families need not be so glum. Helpful blended family advice that could help the members of such a family deal with their unique situation actually exists. What’s important is that parents of such families, especially its parents who undeniably set the tone for the children, listen to the right blended family advice. Here are four truths that should serve as important and useful words of wisdom to parents of future or existing blended families:

1. No Two Blended Family Relations Are Exactly The Same

The problem with a lot of existing blended family advice is they mistakenly assume that blended families fit a singular mold. For example, advice like “Parents should avoid physical displays of affection while the children are still adjusting to their new family setup” wrongly presume that children will be uncomfortable with such showiness. The truth is that children, or the members of each blended family for that matter, handle various situations in their own unique ways. Thus, it’s important for parents to examine the applicability of each piece of blended family advice to their particular situation.

2. Blended Families Will Experience Rough Times

If parents in an extended family find that they’re going through rough patches in their familial relations, they shouldn’t panic. Conflict in families is normal, especially considering the unique setup that blended families find themselves in. What’s important is that rough times, while obviously unpleasant, are viewed as opportunities for an extended family to grow and to get to know each other better.

The best blended family advice for turning these negative situations into positive ones involves dealing with each difficult circumstance in the most mature way possible. The worst thing to do is to ignore such problems and hope they’ll go away. Like cavities in teeth, small cracks in family relations that aren’t paid attention to often blow up into much larger difficulties that definitely become harder to deal with. Therefore, when the slightest hint of a problem shows up, parents ought to address them wisely at the soonest time possible.

3. Forming Smooth Relations In Blended Families Usually Takes Time

This one is very much related to the previous item. All the wise blended family advice in the world will not create a family situation that is perfectly smooth and conflict-free. In fact, pleasant blended family relations may take months, even years, to develop. So while parents struggle to deal with issues that crop up, it’s best that they take the problems in stride and accept that they’re part of the family’s growing process. Parents should take heart in knowing, however, that many blended families eventually find a way to work out difficulties and find themselves in happy and productive family environments.

4. No One Should Create A Blended Family Without Prior Planning

The line “Failing to plan is planning to fail” is certainly applicable to blended families. When a couple with children from a previous relationship make the decision to create a blended family, it becomes absolutely necessary to discuss the current and future upbringing of the children and consider the best blended family advice available. Difficult issues like discipline, rules, religion and the like must be thoroughly deliberated and agreed upon. The more exhaustive the plans are, the more likely unsettling surprises will be avoided, and in turn, the smoother family relations will probably turn out to be. And of course, when the new family setup is finally announced to the children, it’s also essential that the parents discuss their plans with the kids and listen to what they have to say about the forthcoming changes in their lives.

Parents should, however, not fall into the trap of thinking that when things go wrong, parents are automatically to blame for not planning for the new family setup carefully enough or for not heeding the best blended family advice available. As is true for even the most meticulously prepared for projects, plans for the family often don’t turn out exactly as envisioned. When problems do come up — and they unfortunately will — parents should deal with them in the wisest way they know, consider the best blended family advice available to them, adjust their plans if necessary, then move on.

Lastly, when parents in blended families face situations that leave them frustrated and feeling hopeless, it would likely help them to remember that by no means are they alone in the problems they experience. In fact, the four pieces of blended family advice presented here could definitely be applied even to families with more traditional setups. Thus, parents in blended families should take comfort in the fact that problems are a normal part, not only of blended family life, but of family life, in general. What’s important is that parents face each challenge they are dealt with a positive attitude and in a forward-looking manner.

Via: http://www.smartdivorcenetwork.com/2014/09/04/truth-blended-family-advice/

For more articles visit our website: http://www.smartdivorcenetwork.com

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smartdivorcenet · 9 years ago

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“Grounding Techniques” Help Kids From A Broken Home Feel Safer And Stronger http://smartdivorcenetwork.blogspot.com/2016/11/grounding-techniques-help-kids-from.html https://smartdivorcenetworkblog.files.wordpress.com/2016/11/broken-home.jpg?w=1200

Divorce can feel like an earthquake, shaking the very foundations of a child’s life. Nothing feels sure anymore and she has nowhere to turn to anchor herself. Grounding techniques can give a child from a broken home a way to cope when things feel so detached. Simple to do anywhere, in moments they can help with anxiety, confusion and feeling adrift.

A kind of meditation that incorporates solid items in a child’s surroundings, memory recall, or reassurances, grounding helps her turn from her emotional pain to her simple surroundings. It can be used any time life feels out of control, whether at school, in a new home, or even at the mall. In addition to helping recover from emotional overload, the techniques can help build a sense of control and security that kids from a broken home often don’t have.

Basic Grounding Steps

There are four steps to any grounding technique:

Open your eyes. Make sure the room is well-lit if indoors.

Stand or sit solidly. Note your level of emotion on a scale from 1 to 10.

Perform the grounding exercise, whether mental, physical, or self-soothing.

Note your emotional level once again, from 1 to 10.

Mental Grounding

Children from a broken home can mentally ground using something in their room or wherever they are feeling emotional distress. A picture, doll, even just the door or classroom windows will work. They should pick something that won’t evoke more emotions. Next, they should describe, out loud if possible, how many panels or panes there are, what color the door or window is, and any other concrete details. If the object is a picture or a doll, the child should systematically describe the details she sees such as colors, features, decorations and background details. The technique can also work by recalling an everyday activity step-by-step, or counting very slowly and deliberately.

Physical Grounding

Much of the stress from a broken home is from the high level of emotions. A physical grounding technique can be particularly effective since it distracts the mind quickly. Have the child simply squeeze her hands and unsqueeze them, using rubber stress balls if she has them. Tell her to eat something tasty, and then observe each flavor without thinking of anything else. She can also bounce up and down rhythmically, or put her hand into cool or warm water. Carrying a grounding object, like a small stone or toy, in her pocket that she can hold and focus on will help also.

Self-Soothing Grounding

It’s hard to feel grown-up in a broken home; sometimes even teens just feel like a little kid again. That’s the time for self-soothing grounding techniques, where they are giving peace to themselves when they feel small and upset. Thinking of their favorite place, somewhere they feel safe and secure, they will calm down. They can remember a favorite color, food, season or type of animal, or recite a poem or sing a song that they love. Remind them to think of something good that they are looking forward to in the next week or two. In a broken home, there can be lots of frightening noise and actions. When things feel really rough, remind them that they can simply tell themselves that it’s only temporary, reassuring themselves with “it’s going to be ok” or “you are a good person” and “this will be over soon and you’ll feel ok again.”

How Grounding Helps

Grounding interrupts emotions that are starting to overwhelm your child. It’s like sending a train down a different track. Her mind will let go of the emotional overload in order to perform the grounding exercise, and the strong emotion will fade. Broken homes often have a lot of fear which children can carry out into the world, and these techniques will help make the world a less scary place by helping to manage emotions.

Give It Time

When a child first starts trying grounding, it might take a while to work. Especially if the broken home environment is still chaotic, she may have to practice for a while to focus on the technique. That’s ok; it might take ten or twenty minutes at first. There are many different techniques so that each child can pick her own favorite, so have her try several and see which ones work best. Depending on the situation, certain grounding techniques might work better for one type of emotion or another, too, such as anger and rage or sadness and grief.

Adults And Kids Can Ground Together

Kids from broken homes are sometimes alone and need to take care of their own difficult emotions using grounding. Parents can practice grounding techniques for their own use, and sometimes use them with kids for support. Encourage the child to use a technique, and demonstrate it to show that it is easy to do. The child may be skeptical since emotions can feel so powerful, but watching a parent calmly ground herself can reassure the child that grounding works.

Keep Using Grounding Into Adulthood

Childhood memories of a broken home can be powerful, even for adults. Whenever old memories and feelings come up, whether they come from the past bubbling up or some present-day memory that triggers feelings, just go ahead and ground. In an office or on the train, there are always ways to quietly do a mental, physical, or even self-soothing grounding technique. For adults who are part of a divorce, these techniques can be especially helpful as they experience strong feelings and still must meet their responsibilities.

Even Young Kids Can Do It

It can be harder to teach very young children how to handle their emotions when they are growing up in a broken home. They may not be able to identify them, but they can learn the grounding habits. When the child shows strong feelings and begins to cry and express them, an adult can help by providing something that catches the child’s attention and interest. Most children will follow their curiosity to notice the object and the details, and eventually their emotional state may change.

Preventive Grounding

If an emotional state hasn’t yet arisen, it’s still useful to practice grounding if the likelihood of one is high. A reminder of the broken home or some stress-or in it might automatically produce strong emotions. As soon you notice the situation, encourage the child, in a peaceful way, to practice her grounding.

A broken home is a source of confusion, loss, stress and fear for many children. Having a powerful tool like grounding ready to use can help kids to cool down when emotions start to rise. Parents can use it too, helping to prevent painful feelings and conflicts as they try to rebuild their lives.

Via: http://www.smartdivorcenetwork.com/2014/10/08/help-kids-broken-home/

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smartdivorcenet · 9 years ago

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Coping With Divorce http://smartdivorcenetwork.blogspot.com/2016/11/coping-with-divorce.html https://smartdivorcenetworkblog.files.wordpress.com/2016/11/coping-with-divorce.jpg?w=1200

Getting Started

It goes without saying that everyone is aware what divorce is – and its adverse side- effects. However, not everyone has undergone divorce. Coping with divorce is not a cup of tea. Divorce is difficult and the involved parties find it hard to concentrate on the days’ work which renders them unproductive. It is one of the most painful things that a human being can undergo. In most cases the affected individuals, including children, go through a period of stress. Worse still, they could be hit by an extreme case of apathy, leading to depression.

When a divorce occurs, the way forward is very difficult to chart. No one is certain of what next to do; the partners may even consider getting back together in rare cases. Most of the take it as a spilled milk and start a new life altogether. During the (mostly) heart- wrenching process of separation, some words can be said – which cannot be taken back. So, time for the million – dollar question: how do the affected people from pick up the pieces of their lives and go about coping with divorce?

Coping with divorce

So, it has finally happened. Everyone has moved out and is starting to build their lives once more. Here are the things that may come in handy when coping with divorce.

1. Accept that it has happened

This is the most fundamental thing that you have to do for yourself. It may not be any easy thing to deal with as it sounds. Most people may undergo a period of denial for a time span, depending on how their marriage was working – and the circumstances surrounding how the divorce or separation papers were served. The partners who had a shaky marriage relationship to begin with, takes a shorter time to accept the reality, since it will feel like a burden has been lifted off their shoulders.

The hardest hit people, however, may be the children, who may feel that they are to blame. Therefore, a way to rationalize them is to prepare them for the impending separation, making sure that communication is never cut off from them. They should also be absolved of any blame, if indeed they were not to blame. Therefore, everyone should accept that it has come to pass, even if they did not see it coming.

Partners whose marriage seemed to be working often take a long time to accept that it divorce. Accepting that you are not the first to go through divorce and probably you won’t be the last goes a long way in coping with divorce. The challenge with accepting what happen is shifting blame to yourself and thinking that if you had done this or that the situation would have been better. Dwelling on that may be hurtful to anybody – but since it is a mutual thing, just let it pass and accept it.

2. Recognizing that becoming emotional is okay

Another process of coping with divorce is to recognize that being emotional is alright. Allow yourself some time to feel sorrow and weep for the relationship that was. People may fear becoming emotional and these may affect them in the future, if they keep on bottling it up. Emotions may sometimes be intense during this time.

It is okay to feel sad, bad, exhausted and frustrated the feeling will go away over time. A feeling of anxiety about the future is also okay. It is part of the grieving process to be angry as well. Shedding a few tears here and there will prove to be helpful in the long run. They are instrumental in getting over all assortment of feelings of loss, including coping with divorce.

The reason for this is that divorce may seem to symbolize a loss for all those years you spent together, building the relationship and facing the world together. As with any significant loss, it is normal to feel deeply wronged by the ‘universe’. There are five stages overall: being in denial that divorce could happen in your family, feeling angry at the partner who are divorcing and at yourself, bargaining and asking ‘what if’, depression and finally acceptance. Cry a river and let all the pain be washed down the bridge.

Remember that you still have a future. When in a marriage or any relationship, people have their expectations, plans and dreams. They may have spent a long time looking forward to the realization of these goals, never having made a contingency for whatever will happen if the marriage goes to shambles.

Letting go of all those expectations may be the hardest, but it is time to move on. Yes, the relationship may have gone to dust, even if everyone is seeming civil about it. You still have a future -and now is the time to go for it without fear. The important thing is to know that the future may not be as you had pictured it.

3. Not going through divorce alone

Coping with divorce requires sharing how you feel with an understanding family member or a close friend. Being isolated from people who care pulls down the process. Isolation concentrates the stress level which leads to depression and may lead to worse problems like resorting to alcohol or feeling worthless. Joining a support group is also another possible solution. Consider seeking help from a professional.

There are also online forums made up of people who listen, care and offer some healthy pieces of advice about coping with divorce. They are made up of people who are undergoing the same thing – or those who have already been through marriage. The world is full of people with good hearts, who can give you moral support and help in the recovery process. Yes no matter how bad things may look, there are people going through worse. Sharing the burden will help ease the pain.

The great thing with life is how easy it is to make friends. If possible, join a local club, where you will be able to meet new people and make friends who will help in coping with divorce. Cultivate these friendships and make the most out of them, since sometimes, people may lose even their social networks during the separation process.

Coping with divorce is somewhat easier if you can let go of the friendships that no longer matter; especially the shared friends who sided with the other party during the process. However, take care not to be overwhelmed by feelings of bitterness when approaching these issues.

4. The Power of Positive thinking

Thinking positively helps in coping with divorce. It helps in breaking away from the clutches of apathy and restores self esteem to healthy levels. It allows you to start growing anew, with a completely blank page to write and a new lease in life. Perhaps there was a reason behind the separation – maybe it was a way of breaking away from a stifling and harmful relationship. If possible, start the process of accepting that life is no longer the same, straight away.

Again, there are numerous stories online of people who have gone against all odds and became better people after undergoing the separation. Deciding to move on or not is a personal choice though. It is a matter of being open to new things, meeting new people and even putting some effort into realizing the lifelong dreams.

Positive thinking is not only a necessary but sufficient. There is a story of someone who was divorced and lost a job; and instead of wallowing in self pity, he took a friend and rode for 11000 miles, from San Francisco to the end of the road in Alaska. You do not have to do the same thing. Who is to stop you from becoming the best you ever could be?

However, do not be too hard on yourself and life. Take life easily and not too serious. Simply seek to engage in new and mind blowing activities to take your head off the issue. You can do these with your friends or even your family members as they too, may be coping with divorce as you do.

5. Take a Break

Mental health experts have a great suggestion for what to do after a divorce. One of them is to take a break, allowing yourself to operate at a pace that is less than optimal for you. Sometimes, the duress that people undergo, both financially and mentally, is too much even for the strongest of us. To regain energy, virility and some sense of confidence in life, it is imperative to relax for sometime and regroup.

After this period, hopefully, the outlook in life will be better. Keep off the wagging tongues of some people who may seek to victimize you in bitterness – if possible, cut off these type of obnoxious individuals. Stay inactive from activities which may bring you further duress, making it possible to survive while laying low. It may seem implausible, yet people end up feeling refreshed and looking forward to the future. And talking about the future:

If it is possible, set aside some time daily, that you can use to nurture yourself. For instance, you could go for a nature walk, hit the gym, cook healthy food or develop a closer relationship with the hobby that you are happy practicing. Thus, you could create a system whereby the end goal is to take care of yourself, both physically and mentally.

Pay attention to your own needs. Speak up about what you feel is good for you, even if the ex may object about them. Do not feel guilty about them, and talking about them is a great step in starting out again. It will help you in coping with divorce

6. Listen and Reassure the Innocent

The divorcing couple is not the only party which is trying to find ways of coping with divorce. Even the kids may be going through a rough patch themselves, what with the harsh nature of the legal system to one party or the other. Sometimes, they are made to choose which parent they would like to stay with; which may prove as a harrowing process.

To counter this, it is important to be close to them and ease the process of coping with divorce, during these hard times, regardless of their age. It is a great idea to listen to their fears and concerns, and to tell them they played no part in how things ended up. If anything, they should be encouraged to grow above the mild stigma associated with divorce in some cultures.

Helping the kids in coping with divorce is, in itself, a process. Here are some pointers that may prove useful when helping and talking to them:

Try to maintain their routines. Do not let the separation come in the way of what they used to have prior to the separation. Help them remain on track and be unaffected as possible. If you got 50% custody, this will be quite easy as you can set a time and place to meet and do some activities together and accelerate coping with divorce.

Offer discipline that is consistent. The fact that parents are now separated may bring forth a complex issue, since they are being raised in a different manner. It is important to give some rules that are consistent for both parents, and not contradicting them. For instance, if the kids are still young enough, they should have bedtimes that are agreed upon by both parents.

Do not involve them in the conflict. As tempting as it may be, do not talk in a negative manner about the other parent in front of the children. This will immensely help them to cope with divorce. If possible, or applicable, let them know that you support their spending time with the other partner.

Let them know that you have their back. Make promises that are realistic to them, and ensure that you keep them. Most importantly, do not let them know too much about how you feel about the whole divorce process and what it means to you.

The Bottom Line

Coping with divorce is the beginning of a long process of healing. It may be hard, yet with some effort, you can do it – and walk out of it unscathed, or with as few scars as possible. Remember to learn important lessons about yourself and relationship in this life- changing event.

via: http://www.smartdivorcenetwork.com/2015/04/24/coping-with-divorce/

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