smile-behappy-staybeautiful

[smile-behappy-staybeautiful]

I miss you, and I shouldn't.

I want you, and I shouldn't.

But worst of all... I love you, and I shouldn't.

But I can't help myself.

You are my escape.

You are the relaxation of a late night drive on a sunset evening with the windows down and the cool breeze flowing through my hair.

You are the excitement of the sleepless night before and long, expected vacation to a destination so beautiful, no words can describe it.

You are the comfort of holding on to your favorite bear after awaking from a bad dream late at night, unaware yet of reality.

There aren't many things in this world that I have problems moving on from but you... you are so difficult to let go.

I miss you. I want you. I love you.

[smile-behappy-staybeautiful]

Have you ever

No. i dont do shit

[smile-behappy-staybeautiful]

“She says nothing at all, but simply stares upward into the dark sky and watches, with sad eyes, the slow dance of the infinite stars.”

— Neil Gaiman

[smile-behappy-staybeautiful]

The only thing keeping me here is this life growing inside of me.

Without it, I would be gone.

[smile-behappy-staybeautiful]

Stuck.

Why am I stuck in this path?

This never ending cycle.

I can't seem to get out.

I really need to get out.

This hole, in the path that I am sinking in to, is consuming me.

I'm so close to being completely engulfed in to the darkness and despair.

There is no light.

There is no hope.

There is just emptiness.

And that is all that I know to feel.

Empty.

[smile-behappy-staybeautiful]

Lost.

Lost and alone, as always.

Days are beginning to go by quickly. I can't seem to keep up.

I'm running out of energy and desire. No desire to keep trying. I'm reaching my end.

.

.

.

I'm starting to think that my time is coming.

[smile-behappy-staybeautiful]

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Unfortunately.

“You will forever be my always.”

—

[smile-behappy-staybeautiful]

“Sometimes, I can still taste the blood of the past and hear the echoes of old voices that cease to exist. Sometimes, it feels like my soul is stuck in history, and my current life is none other than a show of play pretend.”

— Lukas W. // Blood of the past (via somepiecesofmyheartandsoul)

[smile-behappy-staybeautiful]

Numb.

It's the only thing I ever feel anymore.

[smile-behappy-staybeautiful]

[smile-behappy-staybeautiful]

Definitely a bad brain night.. my body feels so numb. I'm on such a small amount of sleep. I feel nauseous. I feel empty. I just want to disappear.

I havent felt like this in awhile, but it seems like when I do, it hits back ten times harder.

I dont have anyone that I feel comfortable opening up to. Everything I've gone thru in my short life, I've just dealt with by myself.

My anxiety is so bad, I feel like I can't breathe. I want to be able to breathe. I want to be okay.

But I'm not.

I have one friend who knows some of the thoughts that go thru my mind, but he also lives across the country. It's so hard to have a person, but them being so far away.

I have made attempts to ask for help, and I always feel so attention seeking- I hate coming off that way.

No matter what I say or what i ask for, no one ever responds. It makes me bottle things up more.

I dont know why I'm feeling this way. I dont know why I'm doing what I'm doing.

No one deserves it.

Most importantly, you don't deserve it. I have done so many wrong things. I regret them everyday. Every morning I wake up thats the first thing I think about until I go to sleep at night.

I am a monster. I am a horrible person.

I deserve nothing good.

I dont know why I am the way I am. I wish I wasnt. I am disgusted with myself. I hate myself, so much.

I wish I was able to go back in time. I wish I could change things. I know for a matter of fact, we wouldn't be in the position we are in now.

I wouldnt be in this shitty, lonely town. I'd be out making friends and experiencing life as a 21 year old should.

So many things I want to change, but its too late.

I'm too far in. Theres nothing I can do now.

I want to run away from everyone and everything.

I just want to be able to breathe.

[smile-behappy-staybeautiful]

[smile-behappy-staybeautiful]

March 20th, 2018

Turned 21 on March 6th and about half of my family actually showed up. Nobody stayed afterward to celebrate but my parents and my fiancé. The following weekend i had to beg people to spend time with me and only one person would, someone who i haven’t seen or hung out with in years, and it was a blast. Won almost $200 at the casino and drank disgusting margaritas from Applebee’s. Today i discovered that my advisors at my college fucking suck and might’ve ruined my chances of getting in to my desired program this fall. What i have failed to mention is in these last few months i have thought about suicide more than ever before. Today was just icing on the cake. My college career might be put on hold for another year and a half and i could’ve stopped that from happening. It may not seem like that big of a deal but things just keep plummeting downward. I just want to end it all. My back hurts more than anything from my multiple torn discs and no doctor is helping me relieve my pain, no one really believes me. I’m a depressed, fucked up person and i shouldn’t be able to live this shitty life that someone else deserves. Someone that could make something out of it, not just me, someone who barely can afford to survive because I’m drowning in pain, depression, and an endless about of bills.

[smile-behappy-staybeautiful]

#thepersonalquotes

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[smile-behappy-staybeautiful]

another day i spend taking pills to ease the pain