smithiecollege

[smithiecollege]

Fall is here, and nothing screams fall more on Smith's campus than the tweeting of sparrows drowned out by the ground-shaking, teeth-chattering noise and reverberation of construction. Yes, Mountain Day came and went, and the once wide and welcoming Chapin Path, where any student was once welcome to be passive-aggressively passed by a cyclist, is still shuttered. Many students have so missed that crucial part of the campus experience that they've taken to walking to class in the bike lanes along Elm Street, hoping to replicate that same thrill Chapin Path usually provides.

While many students have complained about the construction all over campus (says one junior: "I'm a liberal. I believe in investing in more eco-friendly energy sources. But maybe--maybe not here."), some have managed to live amid the disruption. "The construction noise doesn't bother me. I'm just screaming in my head, constantly," said one senior. "God knows I don't have a job lined up after graduation. I'm going to have to move back in with my parents, and they're going to ask me why I'm not gay married yet, and that's just not something I can take."

Yes, while many gripe and groan about the construction, there is an objective argument to be made here: Construction is God.

Proof:

Is that not God, streaming through the clouds that cover the sky above the early site of the Kathleen McCartney building? No doubt--God Himself casts his gaze upon Smith, and He has decreed "You shall have only one stir-fry dining hall this year. Also, the price of Celsius at the Julia Child Campus Center will be increased by a half-dollar. But fear not--you shall have a building made of ghastly timber, like the remodel of a historic home in a morally dubious HGTV series."

And so we shall.

Therefore, if Construction is the word of God, it is our duty as a once-secular (but now, clearly, blessed) school to pursue this plan. Many students have suggested lights at crosswalks, to perhaps mitigate the number of students who end up in collisions with vehicles, or even functional elevators in every house, or possibly even better pay and treatment for all Smith employees. While these are all certainly options, do they honor the word of Construction God? We think not. Smith's next project will be Holy.

Now proposing:

The Barbara Bush Center for Eat (Construction 2025-2035)

This project will take the ultimate step towards Smith's final goal of centralized dining. The Barbara Bush Center (Or Bushie, as students will affectionately call it) will occupy Green Street. Blueprints require the entirety of Green Street and all student housing to be razed to the ground to complete this construction, but ultimately, we feel as though it will be worth it. Bushie will stand ten stories tall, as it must be built to represent the time it was conceived of. Furthermore, the building will be in the exact shape and design of the Oceangate Titanic Submersible, to honor the failures of science, and encourage Smithies to do better. Bushie will serve breakfast on floors 2,4, and 7 from 6:45 AM to 7:04 AM, and after that, there will be no meals until 8:30 PM, and they will always be sold out immediately, as a way to teach Smithies about scarcity and competition. However, Bushie will serve snacks on floor 5 during the third minute of every hour of the day, just so students can internalize the importance of punctuality. Bushie will also offer fifty-seven lactation rooms throughout the building, and while it is understood that there are surely never going to be that many lactating people in need of a designated room in Bushie at the same time, these rooms will serve as a location for people with roommates to respectfully have sex with someone on the rugby team. However, all lactation rooms will be noise-transparent, because we value womxn's voices.

Finally, we would like to announce that in addition to First Tuesdays and Second Thursdays, we are beginning a tradition called Every Other Fourth Wednesday where on every other fourth Wednesday of every month, community members stand silent on Burton Lawn and practice taking a bra off of someone with one hand, supervised by the most butch members of our faculty. Members of the 5 College Consortium are invited and encouraged to attend. All skill levels are welcome.

With love from the bottom of paradise pond,

Smith College