smoothiez

[smoothiez]

i can’t wait to die.

because then i can finally be free

the burden of living will be lifted of my shoulders,

my soul roaming free throughout the universe.

enternal peaceful pleasure that isn’t plagued with the anxiety of waking up.

a place just made for me

[smoothiez]

to be alive is to create destruction and chaos without a plan.

[smoothiez]

i’m fully aware of the extent of my madness,

and that’s driving me closer to insanity.

[smoothiez]

i don't think i notice how tired i am until it's too late. a common quote of mine is “i don't know”, because i never know how i really feel. i cant put most of my emotions into words, it annoys everyone around me. when someone asks me how i feel, i always say i'm just tired, we both know its bullshit, because truly, i never know. you can't just put feelings into words, they are too complex for that. putting them so simply would be an understatement of how one truly feels. i'd rather suffer in silence than be misunderstood. i think being misunderstood is the worst of all, it means you're alone. suffocating on your own words,

[smoothiez]

sitting against the tree where my once beloved partner stays dormant, deep within the dirty soil. skin of the old timber sticking to the woolly frabric on my back as it withers away overtime. the process you were meant to go through. i had once wished we’d grow old together, adapt to the ever changing world around us. but of course…

you just had to pass prematurely. you allowed the grim reaper to hold you within his arms as he brought you through deaths long awaited door.

i’ve always thought that maybe if society hadn’t failed you. you wouldn’t of slit your wrists on the bathroom floor, the thick warm blood that drained from your pale flesh staining the note that you left. telling me to forget you.

please forgive me my dear, for how could i?

i’ve tried finding the beauty i saw in you throughout nature and others but i can’t seem to find anything like it. their smiles don’t give me the same fulfilment as yours once did or your giggles that would make my heart flutter even in the grumpiest of moods. i can never adore someone as much as i once did with you for

“i do love nothing in the world so well as you”

i can’t help but think maybe i am to blame aswell. too blind sighted by my love that i refused to see what truly layer beneath your eyes, so i must apologise once again my love.

one day allow me to lay by your side once again as we decompose, aiding the life surrounding us for we still have a significance even after the soul leaves our bodies. i would know that for certain.

[smoothiez]

“your worst sin is that you have betrayed yourself for nothing”

i no longer value living. i do not want to have a fulfilling successful life anymore. i do not get scared at the thought of passing prematurely by my own hands.

i only live for the comfort of others.

i always feel so lonely, trapped in a bubble disconnected from everyone and everything. i believe no one truly loves the person i see in the mirror. that my flaws out weigh the few good features about me. i add nothing to the world im trapped in.

so i continue staying alive, but never truly living. breaking down into tears as images and scenarios flood my brain, further breaking the brain that was once filled with no anxieties.

do i really care so much about others that i refuse to end this repeated cycle of crisis and torture?

why do i feel so much i once? how do i stop seeing everything so clearly?

why won’t my mind stop betraying me?