sn4kep1t-archive

[sn4kep1t-archive]

Well, shoot. Point taken yet again. I just...

I guess my problem is just being held to standards that I couldn't meet for a very long time. Then when I admitted I couldn't meet those impossible heights, I was berated, belittled, finally just straight-up kicked out and told to just try to survive.

I'll at least say this for myself: I did survive.

Hah, I'm glad you're willing to lend an ear. I didn't talk very much before starting work at AEW, but the more I hang out with everybody in this little sphere of ours, the more I realize I should have probably started talking more a long, long time ago.

tonight feels like a "smoke the whole thing in an hour" kinda night.

[sn4kep1t-archive]

I kinda do. But hell, I knew there was something there, Pam. I'm glad you guys are a thing again-- Hell, we talked about me joining y'all in Japan, but I got work Wednesday. But... I will say, the thought is nice. You, your girlfriend, and one of your best worsties hitting up the big city is a nice thought-- And hell, I might save up for it.

Mm. You both were going through a rough patch, huh? It happens. Sometimes finding yourself does take priority. That... Might be what I'm going through. Not sure. Wouldn't say so immediately, but... Y'know. It's possible. But the point is, you got one thing right: It's hard to be kind to yourself when you've spent your whole life guided by the expectations of others.

I'm glad we got each other, though, so it's not nearly so hard. Because I do see what goes on in the world of Pamela Martinez, and every storm in that world shouldn't be weathered out alone.

You've got me and I've got you, got it?

tonight feels like a “smoke the whole thing in an hour” kinda night.

[sn4kep1t-archive]

I mean, I dunno what exactly I've accomplished. All I do is live by myself in a low-rent apartment with a cat, smoke weed, chug coffee, and show up every Wednesday (or any other time I'm called) to make sure nobody dies. I guess I saw everyone better off than me and got jealous, then turned the jealousy inward.

tonight feels like a "smoke the whole thing in an hour" kinda night.

[sn4kep1t-archive]

all my emotional turmoil earlier probably wouldn't have existed if we could rocket jump like the soldier in team fortress 2 in real life.

[sn4kep1t-archive]

Yeah... Yeah. Hard to remember that sometimes.

But I will say you're far from failing. I know you'd say the same to me, but I mean it objectively, too. You're reaching for the stars and actually getting some in your grasp. Hell, I didn't wanna say this until a lighter moment-- But I talked with Merc recently and she seemed super excited about going out to Japan, but far more excited about taking you. Probably old news by now, but I noticed that-- And thought about when we talked. And I kinda wondered, "whoa, what's she so worried about?".

But now that I'm feeling like I am and you're lifting me up, I kinda... See now just what might've been going through your head.

tonight feels like a "smoke the whole thing in an hour" kinda night.

[sn4kep1t-archive]

Just been feeling like I haven't accomplished much of anything. Even when I know I've done my best-- Bad brain. Y'know?

tonight feels like a "smoke the whole thing in an hour" kinda night.

[sn4kep1t-archive]

I... Really needed to hear that.

I guess I've just seen seeing people way better off than me, around my age, and thinking "damn, I could've been them if I applied myself". Sometimes it's not even true. Hell, I've applied myself a good bit in getting this far, and I don't even think to acknowledge it because it isn't, y'know... Grander.

Like, fuck. Sure, you're older than me, but you have a kid. Fuck, Max is my age and he has a kid on the way. Meanwhile, I'm just kinda... Existing. My sex life right now is just with people I consider friends. I don't think I've even really, truly fallen in love with someone yet, in my whole life. I've only fallen in love with concepts. I've only fallen in platonic love, familial love, even a paternal kind of love towards my cat. So I guess I was feeling, like... Y'know. Left in the dirt. But you make a damn good point.

Hah. Worrying always gets me into this shit, where I end up spilling my guts and connecting with someone. I usually encourage other people to open up like this to me, y'know, but now I've ended up talkin' like this at length to Pam. And then to Kingsley. Then to you. Sheesh, I hope I'm not becoming overbearing and whiny.

tonight feels like a "smoke the whole thing in an hour" kinda night.

[sn4kep1t-archive]

Are you team ospreay or team omega?

I can't be expected to choose based on skill, so I'll go with blatant favoritism. Kenny's a sweetheart. I've not met Ospreay. I'd call myself Team Omega!

[sn4kep1t-archive]

sometimes the brain needs to be turned off. you get me.

tonight feels like a "smoke the whole thing in an hour" kinda night.

[sn4kep1t-archive]

...Thanks, Pam. I just have trouble, sometimes. There's a lot of expectations for me to meet just by being born on earth in this day and age, and I know some of them are horseshit social constructs, but I still feel like I'm failing if I don't meet the expectations of the world at large.

tonight feels like a "smoke the whole thing in an hour" kinda night.

[sn4kep1t-archive]

I know. I know I should live for me. But fuck, it's hard when I realize that even as a little kid, I'd have looked at myself and asked questions. This day and age is marvelous for the strides we've made, but now all the pressure of day-to-day life is just starting to become accessible.

The rush to find love, the rush to... settle down, the rush to have children and have a stable career and make money... Y'know? Because I know what I was like as a kid. I was too smart for my own good, especially around grown folk, so I know my younger self would ask me why I'm 26 and still not married. And I wouldn't know how to tell him that I'm just not ready for that yet, because I don't know why I'm not ready yet.

It's... That kinda thing.

tonight feels like a "smoke the whole thing in an hour" kinda night.

[sn4kep1t-archive]

do you want kids one day?

UH.

W-Well. Maybe one day! But most certainly not today. That's a long while in the future. I'm still young, after all! For the moment, Cleo's enough.

[sn4kep1t-archive]

Yeah... Hah, fuck. I needed someone who understands. I'm just thinking over things, seeing all my shortcomings, freaking out that, y'know... Those shortcomings mean I'm not gonna do a damn thing for this world, or at least that's how it feels.

tonight feels like a "smoke the whole thing in an hour" kinda night.

[sn4kep1t-archive]

Ah--

Okay, I should... Elaborate. My mind's not been nice lately, and I've gotten worried about how I'm s'posed to contribute to the world, like... At large. Y'know? I've made it this far, but there's still so much pressure. Nobody's even trying to put pressure on me, but I immediately assume they are, and... Y'know. Feeling like I'm being held to standards I can't meet, feel like shit that I can't meet them right now. That kinda thing.

tonight feels like a "smoke the whole thing in an hour" kinda night.

[sn4kep1t-archive]

i wouldn't mind it. i got some good stuff here recently, actually. i'll save some for ya.

tonight feels like a "smoke the whole thing in an hour" kinda night.

[sn4kep1t-archive]

Bingo. If I'm gonna stop thinking I'm not good enough, I have to stop those thoughts from coming for a while.

tonight feels like a "smoke the whole thing in an hour" kinda night.

[sn4kep1t-archive]

...

First off, no, second, everyone has fangs but not everyone knows how to use them. Like the old adage. "Dracula don't bite, Dracula scrape and lick."

Gimme your worst and weirdest New Year’s resolutions so I can feel better about mine being to stop drinking orange juice after brushing my teeth.