snaildraw - Tumblr blog

snaildraw · 2 years

Text

Tw: mentality ill, overthinking, vent

I am hyper aware of my brain and shortcomings. Constantly through the lense of overthinking.

I am trying to recover from childhood trauma and manage my life being on my own for the first time.

I feel like I'm all talk about recovering from mental health. I want to get therapy and medication but I'm too scared to start. But also desperately want it.

I have episodes of hyper activity and lack there of.

My brain has a large problem with words and I can't get the correct word out. I'll either combine it with another word or completely say the wrong one when I'm mentally thinking of another. Or mispronounce it entirely or not understand the definition.

I have problems with insisting that I be perfect to a degree that it annoys my roommate and myself because it's hard to get things done because of the guilt and or I get too annoyed if it's not done right.

I can't do anything without a someone there in the room. It's infuriating because I just want to get things done.

I can't be alone for a day because my echo chamber of negativity is so bad I have paranoia episodes where I can't trust anyone or any of my experiences.

I feel imposter syndrome for describing all my struggling. If I feel suicidal I will say it's not enough and I don't need help. If I'm feeling sad or physically hurt I can't receive help because there are other people who have it worse and that I'm not actually feeling pain.

I can't recognize my own face sometimes. It's like seeing a whole new person for the first time so often. I have recently been able to feel my face expressions and felt confused as to what expression I was making and looking in the mirror and feeling perplexed as to the expression didn't match.

I have problems quickly burning out after and preemptively before an event. I will have meltdowns where I go nonverbal and I have very upset feelings but I feel like I'm a child again. I get stressed out to the point of not being able to be a functioning human as I not able/forget to take care of myself.

I can turn off emotions and handle panic attacks at work.

I have tics where my head twitches to the right if I'm tired, stressed, or anxious. The more I tic the more bothering the issue is.

I want to quit my job, my relationship, and get rid of my cats move somewhere else without my roommate and kill myself. But as soon as I actually look into it I don't. Because I Love all of them authentically. I'm enjoying my friends at work and I'm not going home crying because of the work environment, I love the person I'm with and they mean so much to me, and I love my cats to the enth degree. And I just want a good roommate

I have a complicated relationship with my parents and family. They are anti confrontational but they pin me as the black sheep as the family and I know they would help me if I needed it but it would be begrudgingly and they wouldn't do it out of nowhere. I am not as included in things. And they don't like my orientation or how I decided to move out because I had issues with my mom and my mental health was plummeting because of it.

I am having problems with my roommate and I'm not sure how to handle it. I have tried being the nice guy but we have different childhood trauma issues that cause communication differences. The other person is my cousin and if I do anything else except deal with my choice to move out with them and put up with how they treat me, my family will ostracize me further and blame me for this going down because they have a different philosophy on dealing with that are giving you problems. My mother is angry about how I've been going about this. And I'm not sure if its a reflection of my circumstances or of hers and her projecting or a combination. Or how to deal with that. It's gotten so bad I have mental breakdowns and have been feeling suicidal.

I'm scared to be alone but I want to be free. I'm searching for myself and my identity but I'm battling with energy and mood swings of paranoia and deep depression. I'm tired of being stuck in a toxic place or circumstance but I feel like I also cause them.

I feel numb all the time and I want to feel something so bad other than pain and paranoia. I can't feel happiness with anyone genuinely and it's freaking me out.

0 notes

snaildraw · 5 years

Text