snowflake194

[snowflake194]

911 hiatus rewatch ↝ 2.06 Dosed

[snowflake194]

[snowflake194]

They didn't pick him, either. 9-1-1, S02E01

[snowflake194]

Not my usual kind of post so feel free to scroll past this one, but I just wanted to share something that happened to me today.

For some context, as part of my degree, I have to take a seminar course where I need to pick a research paper and give a 45 minutes presentation on in front of the rest of the class. I get to choose the paper but the course itself is mandatory. For some more context, I have a stutter and public speaking is genuinely one of my worst fears. Like even in front of a couple people, let alone 30+ students. On top of it all, the presentation had to be in English, which is not (!!) my first language.

Needless to say, when I found out this was a requirement to graduate, I almost dropped out in my final year of university. I was ready to give up because I couldn't imagine doing it. I looked for just about every possible excuse not to.

Anyway, I did it today. And it wasn't as horrible as I thought it would be. It was actually kind of awesome.

Would I do it again? Probably not lol. But I did it. And I didn't think I could.

[snowflake194]

actually buck's first loss on the job coming right on the heels of almost losing that job entirely and then revolving around him asking someone to reach out to him, to trust him, to let him help. just like begging, pleading to earn the spark of faith from his captain he almost gave up. he hasn't talked to his sister in two years and this is the first time he's stayed in one place this long since hershey and he says please believe in me, please believe in me, please believe--

but devon lets go.

and then years down the line there's this race for a little vial of a big, big deal of a antidote and look at all these people who believe in him, trust him to figure it out, have faith in him and Athena to solve it from the outside in. Bobby believes in him, sends him away to make it happen, and Buck does it, he does it. only it's half as much as they need and only that faith is stretching to they're going to need you.

only, this time, bobby lets go.

[snowflake194]

I can't watch the s5 breakdown scene without feeling like I'm intruding on something so so private because the way Eddie goes from clinging to the bat in angry fear to staring at Buck with tired vulnerability when they're sitting at the table is so much. that table scene is truly SO MUCH - the gentle voice of 'okay, okay, what are you afraid of?' and Eddie unraveling himself because he's just so scared of keeping it to himself and Buck wants to take it so he gives it 'that I'll never feel normal again'. and then you remember Eddie telling Frank in s3 that he doesn't know to be happy even when he should be. and then you remember him telling Kim!Shannon in s7 that he's broken and he doesn't know to fix it. but in s5 he let's Buck hear it and gives a truth to him and two episodes later Buck made Eddie smile while proving how hope comes back. he's been scared of himself for so long, so constantly, of course he hates it when he's alone and gets a bad phone call. of course he needs Buck to ask. that's what helped before, after all.

[snowflake194]

[snowflake194]

Bringing this back for June because Eddie was robbed of yet another pride month and so I'm gonna celebrate him anyway.

(x) You can tell I was fully prepared for this episode to be the one for Eddie. And I debated holding off on posting this until he actually comes out (because we all know it's coming). But then my friends were like what the hell just post it anyway, and so here we are. So consider this my humble contribution to the manifestation circle for the finale, and in the meantime please enjoy Eddie Diaz in his joy (god knows he deserves it).

[snowflake194]

the gap in my resume is when I was imagining two repressed homos go at it raw. in my brain

[snowflake194]

[snowflake194]

'is that weird' is just the ultimate moment for me because it can be is it weird that I was on a date with a man or it could be is it weird that I was on a date with this man. it's coming right after Buck talks about being on a specific date. and Eddie says no of course not. which is a solid answer. but then he says this doesn't change a thing between us. which is an answer to - what? it doesn't change a thing that he was on a date with a man or that he was on a date with that man?

[snowflake194]

And in the middle of all of Eddie’s own mess of a story, the look in Evan’s eyes in this moment is like reading the prologue to someone else’s.

Another fanart for the incredible all my friends series by @fastcardotmp3 because I'm on a reread and because it's actually insane what this usiverse is doing to me (and because procrastinating on schoolwork is my favorite thing to do).

[snowflake194]

Quick little painting of Evan and Eddie from (all my friends are) funeral singers because I really thought these tragic boys had maxed out on breaking my heart and then @fastcardotmp3 said what if… more, and now here we are.

If you haven't read this ongoing series rewrite, I am gently demanding you give it a try. It's brilliant. It's brutal. 10/10 will make every other fanfic feel like a sitcom and will have you lying on the floor at 3am crying about a record collection.

[snowflake194]

the FT calls are so interestingly framed because during the call where Eddie talks about the hiring freeze, Buck says bye bye bye and Eddie says go go but by the time he finishes the sentence Buck has already cut the call and Eddie pauses while looking at the dark screen. their calls are always cut on some matter of urgency coming up. the firehouse alarm, Eddie's parents at the door, needing to text Chris before his head spins more. even the Hen birthday call is on a time limit because Buck pushes him to go to the tournament. they don't have time even as they keep trying to be there.

[snowflake194]

Thinking about how Buck heard Pepa say "embrace the change" and his first move was to transfer out of the 118. I mean, talk about miscommunication...

[snowflake194]

(x) If only Eddie was the one to catch him.

[snowflake194]

(all my friends are) dying stars

part 6 of (all my friends)

buddie // rated M // season 5 rewrite // 78k

excerpt:

“What happened, Eddie?” 

“You really don’t ever let up, do you,” Eddie mutters, pulls himself up from his reclined position, and swivels on the cot so he can plant his feet and slump over the splay of his knees. 

“You’re acting really off, man,” Buck insists. “I’m worried about you.” 

“I’m fine.”

“Don’t treat me like I’m stupid,” Buck frowns. “Or like I’m other people. You’ve been on edge and you’ve been jumpy and then your girlfriend shows up and it’s like you’re a deer in the headlights all of a sudden? You keep saying things are good with Ana, good at home, good at work— what aren’t you telling me? What happened at the goddamn Christening?”

“It wasn’t a big deal,” Eddie waves a hand, but he doesn’t meet Buck’s eye either. “It was just— apparently she told a few of her family members about the whole Army thing.”

“Yeah?”

“And, y’know, I just wasn’t expecting anyone other than my parents— who still want to take Chris to Texas for the Summer, by the way— to bring up my honorable discharge at a backyard barbeque, that’s all,” he shrugs it off, a bit of body language that would work on anyone who knows him in a normal way and not a tied together by grief and gnarled history way. 

“Shit,” Buck breathes, leans forward in his seat on the cot across from Eddie’s. “Were they weird about it?”

Eddie barks out a self-deprecating laugh without thinking, mutters, “they weren’t,” without thinking, does all of it without fucking thinking.