sociallyintrovertedme-blog

[sociallyintrovertedme-blog]

Invasion of Species

The puffy white clouds taunted me as they blew past. No matter how high I jumped, they were always too far out of reach. The grass crunched beneath my feet as I landed, the heat from the earth sinking into the bottoms of my feet. My neighbors didn’t notice or didn’t care that a 26 year old acted like a 2+6 year old. Besides, who could jump higher than their 50-year-old pine trees? It must be a trick of the eyes if they did notice.

But it wasn’t tricking their eyes. I could jump that high. Sometimes it felt like flying, the upward thrust faster than a bullet, and the fall slower than dandelion fluff. I gave up on the clouds and went inside to my basement, to sulk. I had to do laundry anyway. 

The basement smelled like pipes and stale water. It was split into two main rooms: the living room with the monstrous big screen TV and couch, and the utility room in the back with a fake wooden door separating the two. Coming down here felt like walking through the 80′s. Shag carpets of various browns, wood paneling on the walls, and the fake tiles on the ceiling soaked in every smell, every ray of light, and every popcorn kernel. 

I opened the door to the utility room. Sadly, even with the cement floors and pipes on the ceiling, it felt lighter. Probably because it had windows. And maybe it was because of that light that I noticed the spiderwebs hanging delicately in the corner. They weren’t the normal filmy kind that collected more dust than bugs. These were to magical kind you saw outside-- perfectly circular, anchored to all the right  places to give it strength, natures version of a sticky trampoline. And there were two of them, right next to each other. 

At the time I noticed them, a silky, feminine voice filtered into my head. I looked around to see where it came from. It’s message hadn’t quite made sense. It came again, from the direction of the webs. 

“Over here, love,” it called.

As I looked back, a sinuous spider walked gracefully onto the web closest to the wall. As it talked, the second web vibrated, like somehow it was the reason I could understand the arachnid. It was shiny and medium sized, with a black bodice and red legs, starting from the knee joints down. It’s legs were serrated, like a bread knife.  

“I have a proposal for you. Let me and my kind stay here, and we will not bother you or your guests,” she continued. 

As she talked, more spiders appeared on the shelves where I kept my canning jars. The were identical versions of her, only smaller. Her children. Another voice kept me from saying no.

“Don’t do it,” it said, “Let us take care of it. And then we will leave. She doesn’t belong here.”

“Um,” I said out loud, “Let me think on it, okay?”

I didn’t know if they could hear my thoughts, but I sent out a silent mental plea, that I didn’t want anyone in my house except for my family and I. I felt a mental, gruesome smile at my request. 

I didn’t have the door completely shut when the war began. Dry pinto beans rocketed through the air at the spiders. They zipped by so fast that they stuck to the wall after slicing through the webs. The line of spiders slunk back behind the unbroken jars, ready to retaliate. My gawking cost me. The pinto beans began stacking up around the door in piles, just that fast. The door wouldn’t shut. 

I gave up trying to get it closed and raced back upstairs. The war between spiders, vermin, and every other creepy-crawly critter that hid in the walls spread out after me. I took the stairs two at a time and tripped. Dang, these short legs. Why to tall people always get the luxury of going faster of difficult terrain? So I crawled up the stairs, using my arms to propel me faster. 

The back door swung open and I was free, racing to the middle of my lawn. I knew these things weren’t after me. But still, being in the air seemed safer than being on the ground. Even the earthworms and boxer bugs swarmed to my house to join the fray.

Jumping felt good. The clouds didn’t have to deal with invaders, right? If they would just let me catch them and stay for awhile... . And they did. Well, I shouldn’t say they did, I just managed to jump as high as they were. I didn’t know how I managed it until I looked down. 

All the species from town moved in formation to my house. Each formation formed a rune, or symbol of some sort. The power of these creature moving in against each other emulated power. Power that gave me the ability to jump out of the way. Some came in swirls, others in geometrical patterns, others in shapes of flowers or greenery. All coming to my house to kill each other off. I’d definitely have to hire someone else to clean afterwards. 

The End. 

[sociallyintrovertedme-blog]

The Money Fair

    What kind of fair is this? It's not a craft fair, a holiday fair, or a job fair... .  I looked at the greasy haired guy shouting to a group of passers-by.

     "You're here for money, right? Money Money Money. It's all about the Money. And I'm right here to tell you how to get it!" he pitched.

    I took a closer look at him. His wool-gray suit had lint sticking all over it, and his teeth hadn't been brushed for... I don't know. Decades? All-in-all, he looked like the rich millionaire type. Not the high-income earner with shiny new BMW's and gargantuan kitchens, but the guy who was so eccentric that he made all his money by pure brains and no guts.  

   Eh. I walked by him, earning a disapproving glare from the crowd that had stopped in front of his booth. The hot dust from the dirt road everyone walked along clung to my skin and shoes. Nothing of substance, just people, pitches, and maybe a random tent or two.

   Three guys jostled together appeared just ahead of me. Whining. Always whining around the dollar bills. They looked like city slickers from the 1950's. Their ego's and their looks were more important to them than any real learning. I knew, because only those type of guys would wear leather jackets and turtle necks in this kind of heat. At least they stood out among the sun-dresses and business attire scattered along the path.

  "Hey, look!" one pointed, as he smoothed out his hair with his other hand, "a stone castle!"

  "Cool, let's go check it out," responded his mate.

   I coughed, holding back chuckle. A castle. These dudes were just duller than a five-watt light-bulb.

   "It's a church, dimwit. Church," I called.

   They didn't hear me. Such is the way in dreams.

   I followed them into the big, wooden double doors. The standard layout sprawled before me. Pew, after pew, after pew lined up neatly to where a bare podium stood at the back. A priest, a catholic one from the look of his black and white collar thing, sat on the front bench. His balding head reflected the light from the plain glass windows spattered on the walls.  

   "That old man needs to eat more," I thought to myself as I sat in one of the middle rows.

   The trio had picked the very back row, no doubt planning on straws and spit-wads during service.

    Just then, a cat sauntered in. I rubbed my eyes. Yes... yes he was for real. The cartoon-cat Garfield took a place behind the podium, looking the picture-perfect part of piousness and sincerity.

    "My fellow gatherers," he started, "you have come here out of the world to hear the holy word of God. And he says, my friends, that he gave you the world to take. Real Estate, my humble gatherers. Real Estate is where it's at."

      My jaw dropped. Garfield was preaching to a preacher and a gaggle of 1950's punks, in a church, about... investing in real estate?

      The orange, over-weight cat droned on about the creation of the Earth... blah blah blah. Even the priest nodded off. Eventually the poor guy gave up and tilted his head back with a loud snore.  Surprisingly, the group in back had forgotten about their spit wads (yes, I called it) and sat on the edges of their seats like a revelation had just been bestowed upon them. Their eyes glittered with anticipation and the ownership of dirt.... I mean gold. And when their chins were just centimeters away from the hard wooden bench in front of them, Garfield walked out.

The end.