socialpandafly-blog

[socialpandafly-blog]

The One About My Illness

So lets talk about my “illness” (cue the eye roll) 

I have ADHD which stands for Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, I cringe at the disorder part. But thats what scientists and doctors think it is so for the sake of being scientifically correct thats what we’ll call it. So its a disorder marked by an ongoing pattern of inattention and/or hyperactivity or impulsivity that interferes with functioning or development. I’m going to cover each of these points and then we’ll look at what that means for me and kind of how my case behaves. Hopefully by the end of this you’ll understand me a little better because this right here my friends is a gold mine. I am giving you the map to make sense of all the things I may do no matter how odd or weird my actions or behaviors may seem at the time. Now if any of this scared you or put you off a bit, I apologize that was never my intention. I’m actually a really cool person I promise. Thats enough of my rambling for now though so lets dive in. 

Inattention: This means a person wanders off task, lacks persistence, has difficulty sustaining focus, and is disorganized. Now these problems are not due to defiance or lack of comprehension. I just get bored easily. And it’s not that I just don’t understand and therefore lose interest, I just have so much more going on up here and its hard to focus on just one of them. 

Hyperactivity: Alright, so this is defined by or means a person seems to move about constantly, including in situations in which it is not appropriate, or they excessively fidget (fun fact: fidget spinners were actually made for people like me. They were also made for physical therapy patients. You’re welcome) taps, or talks (I do that one a lot). In adults it may be extreme restlessness or wearing others out with constant activity. 

Impulsivity: Okie dokie so this guy right here is a person who makes hasty actions that occur in the moment without first thinking about them and that may have high potential for harm, or a desire for immediate rewards or inability to delay gratification. An impulsive person may be socially intrusive and excessively interrupt others to make important decisions without considering the long term consequences. Now this guy we’re going to call him Fred, I think Fred is the one that scares people the most about ADHD. I personally don’t have a whole lot of Fred but I have met people that have a bunch of Fred in them and they are definitely interesting. Depending on the severity of Fred though he will cause no harm at all and is just widely misunderstood. Fred is actually not that bad of a guy. He just takes some getting used to.

Inattention and hyperactivity/impulsivity are the key behaviors of ADHD. Some people with ADHD only have problems with one of these behaviors, while others have both inattention and hyperactivity/impulsivity. Most children do however have the combined type of ADHD. I have a combined type of ADHD with all contributing factors having varying degrees of severity. So as promised I’ll explain what this means for me and what this all looks like in my case. I have a tendency to move fast, like really fast and I’m not talking physically I mean mentally. And because of that I may have a bad habit of overlooking or just entirely missing details, in schoolwork, at work and in other activities as well. Which sometimes leads to careless mistakes. I also have a hard time sustaining my attention in about everything, conversations (sorry about that) lectures, or lengthy reading, and I love reading. You also may notice from time to time that I may not seem to listen when directly spoken to. Well, I’ll be honest, its probably because I’m not. Usually because I have something on my mind and I’m deep in thought. I’m not trying to be rude but its hard to keep track of all these thoughts when they move at a thousand miles per hour. I have a hard time following through on instructions as well and sometimes fail to finish things like schoolwork (This was typed the night before it was due) or chores and other tasks simply because I start them but it starts to quickly go downhill from there and I lose focus and easily get sidetracked. And if that wasn’t bad enough I can’t even organize all these tasks and activities properly. I have problems organizing such as what to do in sequence, keeping materials and belongings in order, having messy work and poor time management (usually daydreaming) and I suck at deadlines and sometimes fail to meet them. I’m also a bit difficult too, I tend to avoid or dislike things that require a sustained mental effort because I get bored. And yeah, this is basically just homework or any kind of school work in general because anything else I’m doing doesn’t generally take up a lot of my time because I’m always moving on to the next thing. I also lose things (I’m getting better at that one) and very easily get distracted by unrelated thoughts. For example, while writing this I started thinking about foxes and how cute they are and then I thought about pandas and how I wish I could combine the two. Well a Google search about combining these two basically left me with the discovery that a Red Panda is basically that very thing and now my life is changed forever and I’m in love. I also fidget and I squirm, I like to tinker with everything, sometimes I’ll be really hyper and I’ll run or climb on something I shouldn’t necessarily be (usually just to sit because I’m lazy) I’m constantly in motion and always on the go, I talk nonstop especially if it is about something I love or am passionate about (No need for Google) sometimes I’ll start answering your question or respond to your comment before you finish speaking because my mind predicts what it thinks you’ll say and then I blurt out a response (Again not to be rude) and I also have issues with being patient. Now, I just wrote you a book on all the negatives and so now for time sake I’m gonna give you a list of some positives. I am a very quick thinker, I have a lot of creativity, I’m dangerously witty, I am informative about what I am talking about, I never get boring, I’m always coming up with new ideas and I like to tinker with things and figure out how they work just to answer the constant question in my head about everything “why?” I am passionate about the things I love and if you do keep my attention you know that it is really important to me, I can’t fake emotions because I have so many going through my mind at once that it is hard to pinpoint one and I am a bit more unique because ADHD has different forms and combinations so just like anyone without it we are not the same regardless of it being called the same thing. I am proud to have ADHD. I don’t see it as a disorder or an illness, I view it more as a super power and an advantage. And I know you’re probably thinking “well, Jordan how did you get that out of it when you basically just wrote a book on all the negatives.” well, its simple, like uncle Ben said “With great power comes great responsibility.” Yeah, I do have all these detractors to deal with and they do make aspects of life more difficult than they need to be or should be. But I also have all these great things (And those were just to list some of many) that I wouldn’t want to change about me or give up. Now, I’m dying to go watch some cute Red Panda videos so I’m going to cut this novel short and leave you with the question I know you’ve been asking this whole time. No I am not on medication. 

[socialpandafly-blog]

Alpacas

Alpacas, lets talk alpacas. I don’t actually know anything about them and I’m not sure why I am thinking about them. I just feel like talking about alpacas, weird right? well, this is how my mind works. I don’t know why and I can’t exactly turn it on or off and its very dizzying sometimes. My mind moves fast and frequent so much so that it can get overwhelming and give me literal headaches. Squirrels, lets talk squirrels. Confused yet? I’ll try to explain. Lets paint a picture, imagine you had this great idea for a school project and you worked so hard on it and it was almost done and then you scrapped it… wait, what? You just scrapped this amazing thing you worked so hard on? Why? Why would you ever do that? Well because you have my mind of course. You came up with a better idea towards the very end of your now ex idea and started on this new amazing idea. Frustrating, right? Well this is how it is with everything, not just school projects. I bought an iPad. This iPad was pretty incredible, I loved my new iPad and I used it all the time. Sounds like it all worked out then, right? Boy wants iPad, boy gets iPad and loves it, boy is happy. The end, happily ever after. Nope. Because there is a shinier iPad and this iPad I just bought isn’t as cool anymore. Now, before I start sounding like an ungrateful brat let me explain. I get bored easily, I have a very active mind. Like, I cant always sleep at night because instead of counting sheep my mind wonders why the hell it has to be sheep we count. I mean seriously, what makes sheep so special? Why cant we count pandas? I find pandas to be much more interesting anyways. And so because of all this my mind is always jumping to the next thing. Its hard for me to stay satisfied for more than a moment. As soon as I achieve something or attain something my mind is on to the next thing. its honestly kind of awful. The excitement of finally achieving something or working hard to attain something is ruined by the feeling that the impending “next thing” is about to jump out of my mind and all the hard work and patience put into this will be gone. Just like that, and I’m unsatisfied. And its onto the next thing. Its a constant struggle in my head to find satisfaction and happiness in anything. You know, this page seems boring now. I think I’ll delete it.

[socialpandafly-blog]

A Note You’ll Probably Never Read: A Rambling

I don’t know where to start. It all just seems so complicated in my head and I'm not sure why that is, I just don’t want to ruin this. We have such a great friendship and I don’t want to ruin that. Especially since I feel that this is a one sided street and that you don’t like me back. I know it’s not necessarily fair to just assume things but I don’t actually know because I've never told you that I have feelings for you more than just friendship. It would probably help if I told you that but it’s hard for me I can’t just say things, I’m haunted by all the what if’s. Like, what if it made things awkward or weird for you. What if we couldn’t just talk about things anymore or what if we couldn’t just hang out? What if things just broke down and I lost you? You’ll never know what you mean to me and how much our friendship means to me. I’ve never been able to just so naturally be myself with anyone else. I don’t even have to think about it, It just naturally happens. I’m just so comfortable with you. I’ve never been so honest with anyone in my life and I’ve never been caught so off guard by my feelings before. You really came out of nowhere for me. I mean, yes I noticed you before but not in this way. I honestly always thought you hated me before. I was so stupid then and I probably ruined all chances of this ever working with my actions in the past. Apparently I’m just the guy who made out with your best friend to you, and I’m afraid you’ll never be able to see past that. I’ve changed so much in the last year and I get that anyone can just say that but I’m actually showing that I have. I’m showing progress and you even said so when I asked you if I’m changing your mind about me and you said “perhaps” which is pretty much a yes coming from you. I’ve just been trying so hard to show you that I’ve changed and that I’m not the person I used to be that did all that stupid stuff. I’ve tried to be subtle about letting you know how I feel but you told me you don’t do subtle so I guess you didn’t understand what was happening and all those times you reacted positively I guess don’t count. I wish this wasn’t all so complicated in my head. I wish I didn’t make things harder than they need to be. I wish I could just say how I’m feeling, I wish I could just tell you that you are so amazing to me. And that no one makes me smile like you do. I’ve never felt this kind of connection with someone before and it all just works with us and I don’t quite understand how but it does and its perfect. We are perfect. Down to the arguments we have that you usually win, Up to the silly conversations we have and how we just understand each other. But I’ve been acting weird because I have feelings for you and I don’t know how to tell you, and so I just try to pretend that I don’t but I can’t turn my feelings off like that so I get weird and defensive and switch subjects when you talk about other guys and I get defensive when you talk about my past and who I used to be. Because I don’t want you to see me as that person anymore and I don’t want to hear about you thinking about other guys because I wish you only felt that way about me. I wish you only thought about me but I doubt you ever do. I fear that I have ruined any chance of this ever working out. Besides you have some one else who you seem happy with and I don’t want to ruin that for you. I want you to be happy. It’s just so hard not to retreat into myself. It’s just so hard for me not to want to be alone, but yet at the same time I don’t really want you to leave me alone. I’m just hurt. And none of this seems fair to you. You didn’t intentionally encourage these feelings. This is all my fault because I allowed these feelings to grow instead of trying to stop them. I just seem to ruin any good thing I have. I get in my own way and I hate myself for it. I’m so sorry, I honestly tried to be someone you would like but I broke this too. The stupid truth is I’m so bad for you. And I don’t know how to make this better. I don’t know how to fix this.

[socialpandafly-blog]

Untitled

I don’t know what to write. I don’t know what to write because of all this pounding in my head. I don’t know what to write because my ideas are too big. And I don’t know what to write because every time I start, I stop and think of you. wait, what I want to write is about you. 

[socialpandafly-blog]

Idk

You know how as a child you are always asked what you want to be when you grow up? Well as a kid that always rubbed me the wrong way. Like, how the hell do I know? I have more pressing issues right now like not missing that Power Rangers marathon. It just didn’t seem right to me. Expectations are put on us from such a young age, we barely have a chance to figure out who we are before we are told to decide what we want to do with the rest of our lives. Maybe its just me, maybe I’m cynical but I guess I just never liked the idea that we could only be one thing in life. Like, think about it. For the entirety of your life you are forever the same thing. The beauty of life to me is that we are always changing and growing and I just can’t help but feel like choosing a career now is restricting that growth and putting myself in a box. I don’t want to look back 20 years from now and regret rushing into a career because I was afraid of not being successful or not ‘making it’ or worse yet, being pressured into a career that I wasn’t even sure of because people told me horror stories about ending up on the street or not being able to support a family if I didn’t. I don’t want to be that guy that has a mid life crisis because he isn’t happy with his life and wishes he did things differently. But yet, I have no idea what I want to do and its kind of scary. All I know right now is I have a headache and a lack of sleep from all this spiraling in my head. I wish someone would just come pick me up and put me where I belong.