soft1scream - Tumblr blog

[soft1scream]

this moment made me write for something real, that i thought to myself— this moment didn't turn the pages over— it started the book. 

i like to think that there's no hell for those who never believed in heaven— i guess there is really something in those formative years. however, here i am fondling all the fury behind my poetic persona just because i ended up in a state of disbelief as i can no longer sneak yellow in a black canvas.. and so i'm writing because finishing the drawing is the only option. 

.. and i'm writing because i'm a stutter. 

where i am isn't something i dreamed of, as a spiritual cruiser, perhaps an easy rider. i want to do well with education, thus i’m graduating soon, yet, the thought of steering my own path from here on out is something only i see difficult accepting. i haven't emblazoned my strongest version yet. when standing, i'm a quarterback, when lying, i'm dreaming in paperback. still, i'm crossing the threshold, unsure of life over there, hoping— that day, i will have a home for all of my habitats and be able to choose horror rather than my usual habits. 

my younger self has always dreamt of going to a different city, away from this tropical— non smoking country, live life and not just watch myself survive and have fun and be young forever and be forever beautiful and be the once in my family's lifetime. i dream of something bigger than who i am, i dream in 15 stories high, or just to see skyline underwater. yes, i will keep scintillating in incandescent scenes just like how lyrical obscurity will forever just be enigma to machines. will i blossom like a rose in a garden full of weeds or could the smog end me like the ashes that have watched over my deeds? 

i am still forced to be the skeleton that helps them sleep better at night, that's why i search for pedestals of human to avoid the view from their height. however, im okay for everything that was done to me that we're part of the reason i am who i am today, either by shattering me then turning me more refined or by abandoning me.. but i'm really grateful for those people i met while trying to find the person i call 'myself' that didn't alter or hinder the reflection that followed me every step of the way. this year was built to be a castle in the air, to make me realize, i'm not the only person in this world, that the world doesn't revolve around my desires. that i dream for something bigger than who i am. i would love to see the world as marianne as the people around me. 

i contemplated a lot during the times i was able to do so, realizing.. i have said "realizing" too many times now for my liking. i'm not used to realizing, most of the time i just don't wanna know.. anyways.. i realized that people just don't believe any of my kindness. that because i'm usually strong, people don't believe me if i get weak. not even my family or friends. even the poems i write won't get used to the fact that i am not what i used to be. and i don't want to be misunderstood for feeling what i want to feel or for feeling what i don't want to feel. 

i believe that i am more than what i show— what i reveal. deeper than what i say or how i act or how i put emotions to every words. it's my nature to pretend like im strong, it acts as an alibi to hide the fact that i'm weak and vulnerable and sensitive and careful and sad and tragic and beautiful but no hope... and it's hard being a weak skeleton in a thick skin, always feeling unloved and wronged. which in the end, my fault. for showing everybody how a person with applaudable background with no applauses behaves. but it can never be my fault that in this house, i cannot feel happiness. can't feel sadness, anger, pity or hunger. and once i feel stressed, i will be justified. i may seem normal, but my life is difficult. i live in a terrible house, never experiencing home. i guess i'm nasty and evil, but if you've seen what i can still remember, you'll understand me. it's very unfortunate that the person who has the most potential to love was given a family who never believed in that stuff. 

 

sometimes, when i think about it and writing about it, i let my teardrops wet the paper because it's somehow giving me the satisfaction of having to get to feel any emotion— as if i'm watering the rose from my very own grave— but then again, water takes away the letters from the paper— leaving me with indelible mistakes that makes me want to just pantomime my feelings.  when i'm lonely— i feel alone— i lie in my bed, but it doesn't help as the bed's too wide for me, or that one bottle of pepsi is too much to drink. god, i wish i have always preferred thunder from the rain. 

i want to talk about how i love a man— which i never ever opened my mouth for. most of the time, i'm just in love with the idea that we're completely different from each other, which is the standard for most movies but never in a reality tv show. if i need some man to tell me i look pretty, my body is tiny, i'm his wallpaper or that he draw my face upside down black and white— sure i can easily get these words from men, but if i tell you, i want someone to give me 15 anniversaries, quiet when there's something wrong, and laughs when i'm overreacting and won't tell me that it's enough!. 

i'm really grateful for my friends who cured all the headaches i gave them. there's no greater feeling than being burnt out after spending the day with them. when i'm tired but i look back on times i was happy. the source of me laying down is also the source of what keeps me getting up. for them. for fun. 

tw: pissed 

if i won't be a superstar, i will be a writer or close to a storyteller, but it's difficult when people will constantly overlook me, waste my potential that's deep within me like i wasn't built to show them, they put my talent on somewhere it don't fit, and they take away the light in me when i know im so much better than all of them. i'm fuming to witness my talents misplaced, relegated to places where they fail to shine, and to endure the dimming of my light at the hands of individuals who fail to see my worth. do you know how patronizing it is for me to witness them show up in a funny smirk while i'm trying to find a place i belong.. to be beneath the skin of a writer, an actual escaper, a city light underwater.. do you know how patronizing it is to assume that i would somehow prefer tasks of lesser difficulty simply because you doubt my ability to handle more challenging ones. your assumption not only diminishes my potential but also undermines my confidence.. who the fuck do you think you are?.. to confine me within the boundaries of your narrow perception. do you know how discouraged i was when i showed there not to do anything good in their eyes then not be involved but then get credited after all? it's nice, thanks for the recognition, but it pains to realize that my efforts are overlooked until it's convenient to acknowledge them. do you know how discouraged i am these past few days, and when i'm discouraged, i bet i will think i'm quitting and i bet i'd feel like a loser. do you know how it pains me when writing turned out to be the only thing i'm good at and then feeling that i failed at the one thing i've ever tried.. just because there's someone who thinks they're a so much better writer than me. and i know, i have to bleed ink onto every page to prove that. do you know how embarrassing it is to claim to be a writer then read rather than write, or listen because i have weak attention span. my imagination doesn't run wild but if there's one thing about me, i know how to write. i think about all the failed attempts of my writing journals for a platform that follows a format. it's not my fault i am built not to fit in. they're not gonna judge me for the way i write or me as a writer. they can try but they won't make my words or letters so much better 

i'm a metaphor for those who once felt overlooked, misunderstood, and unlovable. i still have something to say, even now that i already wrote an eight pager. i'm a straightforward mouth with a pretty face. i'm a coffee for those who never drank coffee. strong at first, but will tell you to wake the fuck up. i believe that everyone should have a "france" in their life— this is reality, live in it. i always carry the burden of going home, and it's hard to carry the burden of staying the same. when i'm not hungry anymore, i'm leaving this country.  if i ever feel like writing again, trust me you will know— cause i'll be posting about it. 💋

[soft1scream]

tonight's dinner is in microwave

got enough innocence to spend and save

believing in mercy is just a place i represent

how to write and not be a copy of st. vincent?..

my hands feel my burden when touching my sane

my head escaped over the window pane

my eyes on the boreales green and pink above

my feet dotted by the grass like pins on stovetop

a lit up forest and the sound of fairies fluttering trailblaze

echoes of the fifties linger in this gardenia pathways

the trees spoke that we're the lonely ones

the child and the black swans

i took what once red in my chest

threw it in psychedelic water crazy and fresh

tears are coming down my face and i am glittering

sparks around me and it continued sparkling

when morning arises, nothing is ever the same

writing my lines as i have no one to blame

summer glow offed the gloom, prose and cardigan

beyond the brush, eyes closed in the rose garden.

[soft1scream]

how can my eyes watch the sky go light to dark

if my past unfolds, would you travel through the doorway it molds?

there's something western about these lights

somehow, it's like i already caught an identical sight

a hundred of years ago, a spot so fresh and hot

they shine when it gets dark, they don't when it's not

it seemed like a dream i'd wandered through before

or a realm my thoughts had glimpsed for sure

it's like taking a movie and breaking it down to scenes

going back to the beginning, happy, camera gleams

this tower never collapses, white light it flashes

i put the window beside my head then used the backseat as my bed

the peripheral view eludes my work of art

i'm here just waiting for my life to start

watering the rose on my grave again

just wondering if i'm stumbling with these again

because the moment i stopped wondering, i'd penetrate an endless chain.

[soft1scream]

the child is staring right up the sky

watching the clouds pass by

and as he watches, he blows bubbles

at the sea water, he throws pebbles

when the sun dips low, he heads home sweet

singing a made-up tune, his little song a treat

he planted a rose deep down the ground

it doesn't grow like how he thought of fruits around

the child couldn't keep waiting for the growing phase

the pebbles he once threw once again resurfaced the vase

the vase shattered, laying bare the rose petals in the soil's domain

the child acted surprise as if the last flower wasn't from dirt's terrain

the child panicked when his foot met fragments so polite

he hobbled as if his leg bore the burden when the vase took flight

when he realized that he wasn't injured and the rose didn't survive

he shed a tear now that the rose can no longer be revived

in the end, the rose did grow, yet not as much as it did show

that at this moment he should probably already know.

[soft1scream]

we're like broken puzzle pieces that makes a perfect fit

i put your playlist on and imagine you listening to it

you saw how my heart takes flight, my words as fragments so light

you're up in the clouds who's only tangible by sight, but love had me tight

we form strange weather together and our stars appear similarly

step the constellations aside, i envision us under the sheets doing heavenly

everyone adores you, and i wish you knew how it put me to shame steadily

my love for you acts like a liquor to me every night — dreaming, only headily

i see myself as a balloon, and you as a porcupine

it's not your fault that i'm vulnerable and ready to completely burst at that time

it's not your fault that the wind is taking me closer and closer to your spine

it's not you to blame; i can't balance on a perfectly breezy weather heaven divine

[soft1scream]

i was subsided when the gentle whisper of a man turned bellow

and my flushing cheeks reverted to yellow

i had to watch you watch me try not to cry

no ears can withstand the loudness of your sigh

while i'm a holler to a place where the noise never makes a sound

your screaming veins put me to pain and put me on the bound

it's hard to spar against a good man and his forest hand

while i like the sun, i don't love lying in the sand

i must endure time alone beneath the moon's slow tide

but i'm lost, without you this bed is too wide to guide

my once warm body frosted into ice, and as Julio heats up, it makes the sweat colder

my fist upon your lawn chest won't shield me from what i will smolder

who can witness this and still be standing here?

my armor crumbled, you cheered as it dissappear

heated altercations, pills and medication

a lifeline on my left hand or a one way summer vacation

you found me in a disarray and i found you in a state of fury

your raging voice is a chaotic flurry

the nighttime surrendered to the darkness enveloping what i felt,

infusing blue into my mind, turning peace into velvet

i felt like an unloved kid sitting at the foot of the bed still

you water me to your heart's delight and cradle me to kill.

[soft1scream]

jonathan

how's life now?

i believe you're happy with the way you're living now

i can't anchor down what you have sailed in your lifetime

unlike before when i will prepare you a breakfast to savor just for you to choke on it

i assume you caught me watching you achieve simpler things in life

i assume you think of me like the smell of wet paint on a new house

that lingers to the party house when wedding dress already turned into blouse.

you were once in the lonely road center where woods die in

and now, i run with the bird with no one but tumbleweeds in the horizon

jonathan

did you ever need my help?

i'm always here to help you whenever you feel sad or vulnerable

remember the night you cried on the telephone

me on the other line?

i tried to be stronger than what i truly am

i was fondling my blood in lime and i'm rusting every dime

do you know the pain of breaking down due to what you love doing most of the time?

one morning, i just stared at the ceiling, frozen just sat

but as to help you.. of course i never told you anything about that

jonathan

what is it about you?

you stabbed me with words in a way i had hoped only you would

you probably never knew this, but a part of you lives in me

that if you're feeling sad, i'm ought not to be happy and when you truly love someone

half of the words you wanted to say must stay hidden

jonathan

i wanna tell you how much you mean to me

but i cried instead because the stars will most likely pass us by if i just stay in my bed

and there's no chance of getting hurt if it's all just in my head

jonathan

please, let me unveil the love i concealed in my unspoken verses

yet, i stumbled with dishonesty, hiding my affections in poetic curses

i was feeling nothing and everything

every tear means more than words can express

on the other hand, you can fetch her under the gas station lights late at night

i wouldn't mind

jonathan

you're the city that nearly broke me

i'll never love you like when i was young, when i was old, or when i was now, i bet you couldn't tell

you tore the seams of what's clawing me back again

i risked everything i got in you, then why did she outbid everything?

was i out of town driving with my hoodlum friends?

perhaps, i was shivering each regional borders?

you blew every waves with a sigh

you better include my downfall in your prayers

and i better knock on wood, you think?

but no matter what you do, i'll always sleep in your heart

reside in your heart.. cry wolf in your heart..

jonathan

you don't have to repeat it, i know.

i've lost you, and the hope of your return has faded

i know you won't come back

but let me cling to the illusion that you might

a version of you better from the man i once knew

i'll deceive myself into thinking i'm always here, ready for you to return and maybe do a little more

i'll feign that you'll be here and leave them all in a box

but deep down, i know i can't erase what rust has crawled onto now

so just so you know.. i know

jonathan

they told me i have choices

but what's choices if all i have was you

jonathan

there's nothing more to lose

now that i've lost you

jonathan

i only think about is you and her

and it makes my pencil even shorter

not for the claim she might stake,

nor for the time that she'll partake

rather, two others are destined to share their lives together

forever

that i think to myself– i nailed it to my head

if there is a partner created for me

i ponder if could it have been us, however?

if only it had been you; life could have been simpler

jonathan

i'm lying if i tell i didn't see both of you together

i am a good friend so i stayed away to not bother

but i must admit that on my walk back home i was frozen above my waist

that day painted me red like a bloodstain

you made my heart seesaw on a rusty dusty chain

all night i sat and stared at the ceiling wishing the roof would collapse on my hurting

i could punch a hole on the floor to shoulder my tears

i could swim in my tears, get drunk in my tears

i'm stronger when we were together, it's more than late diners on angel's burger

i couldn't sleep that night when i'm sure im never gonna be able to pick myself up again

but then, one phone call from you and i was hiding behind the forgotten

jonathan,

people do crazy things when in love

i've seen it, perfect bird's-eye view

from the depths between your thighs

let love be your light

and with love, don't let your heart shatter into irreparable fragments

jonathan

i feel like i've passed all the weights i was carrying around on my back

onto you while you're in the middle of smiling

and reality is, it feels far from comforting

jonathan

i loved the man who knows nothing about who i truly am

i loved the man who i have to hide half of me for him to accept what he thinks of who i am

i loved the man who did naught i loved the man who never even tried

and i loved so much where i don't even like myself anymore

i loved you to a point where liking myself severs my existence

and i bet you never knew about that, jonathan.

[soft1scream]

it's libra szn!!

[soft1scream]

Happy 37th birthday, Lana!