softue

[softue]

Last message

Nah, I'm good

[softue]

I’m sorry

I knows not a good time, but I know I have to be honest. I haven’t been treating you like I should and I’m very sorry for that. I’ve been kind of distant and I told myself it was for my mental health, and that it was something good but it was just me being afraid of the hurt that might come from you loving me or liking me or showing affection which isn’t anything wrong for you to do it’s just some thing I have to get over and I don’t say this because I mean for you to stop. I’m saying this so when I do it you can call me out on it because you don’t deserve that I understand how hard it is for you to show affection and I like when you show affection and I should return it and make you feel special too and it’s selfish for me to not do that, and I don’t know if you realized it. I have been doing this and once again, I’m very sorry because you don’t deserve that and I really do like you, but sometimes I’m scared because I just don’t wanna be hurt again. From now on i’ll try to do better 🧸

(I started crying so if smt doesn’t make sense it’s bc i couldn’t see)

Goodnight my apple tree

[softue]

Empty

Hi, it’s my again. Just like the others I lwk don’t know where to start so i’ll just say it. I don’t feel anything, not that it’s your fault. I think. Im not too sure, I honestly couldn’t tell you the reason. I just feel like a hollow dead corpse, I try and fake it till I feel something but everything just seems so eh. I don’t know why i feel this way, but i wanted to let you know incase you think it’s an us thing, it’s not. I think. I’m not sure, when i get like this I can’t tell what’s the reason or why I feel like this. It’s like i’m in emotional limbo, floating around just bumping into situations and getting nothing from it. Im not even suicidal. I don’t wanna live and I don’t want to die, because i don’t care. I don’t care about anything, nothing seems worth caring about. It all feels so useless.

Short version: I feel empty, kinda done w everything but idk why.

Idk man. I just wanted to let you know, again i don’t think it’s an us issue. I don’t know though. Enjoy your night, this isn’t really a big deal. Just wanted you to know

[softue]

Special

Must be nice to feel special.

Feeling like someone cares for you.

Knowing that you’re on their mind.

Seeing they put effort in to talk to you.

It must be real nice.

I’d hate to make someone feel like they are just there when i’m bored.

That feeling of constantly throwing affection at a wall.

Constantly flooding a conversation, knowing that if you don’t it’ll go dry.

I’d hate the feel like that, being that desperate and sad.

Knowing that your worth is counted and weighed against the next choice.

Constantly worried that you’ll be replaced, or knowing that you’ve been replaced.

How can I feel so free yet so chained?

I can grow, but the chains grow with me.

I can’t leave, but the chains are so loose.

I just wish i could stop, just stop existing. I’m so tired.

I don’t want to feel anything anymore.

[softue]

Did I do something?

I'm asking because your distant and I can't tell why. I know something is wrong, I just don't know if it was a me thing. I want to help, but I can't because I don't know whats wrong. How many days should pass before I bring it up? It's been 3 since we've talked for more than 30 min and 4 or 5 since we have really talked. Are we done? Are we over? Are you going through something? Did something happen? What's going on? I don't know. I asked but I got "eh" so that didn't tell me much. I don't know if I should brace for impact or keep myself open atp. I don't have much to say, not up for it tbh. I'm trying to keep a good mindset and not assume the worst, but it's all I have. If you need space, please tell me. If we're done? Please. Tell me. I try to keep reminding you that I'm here for you and you can talk to me, but those just a thumbs up. Something is wrong. I can tell. I just need you too tell me, I can't read your mind. I know your busy, that's fine. That's cool. Just tell me. I'm not being told anything, you tell me your going out or your tired or busy. I know it's only 3 days but I'm worried. You're texts are dry, short. I notice the "gn" and I know thats new, so thank you. I do see the new things your doing. I thank you trying. You know thats all I ask. So ig what I'm asking is that you let me know something, anything. I'm just in the dark, sitting here and waiting for the "I'm done" or the "I'm back". I feel like a dog, atp I don't even check my phone. We talk like three times a day. What's going on? I'm always texting first, I get it. It's not something you do, but always texting first is fucking exhausting. You should know what its like. I get it, you've been hurt but it wasn't from me. Why I am getting treated like I did something wrong? Did I do something? I don't want you to feel like I'm blaming you for bad things you've gone through, but I've been through bad shit. Keeping my heart open is so difficult for me, because every time I do. It never ends well, so I get cold. I'm trying so so hard to keep myself open and not shut off but I NEED some sort of communication. I'm not talking about texting first or goodnight or goodmorning. No. I mean "Hey, I'm going through some thing, I need some space" or "I might be distant, nothing you did" OR EVEN "Hey, this kinda hurt me. I need a second" PLEASE. I'm trying so so so hard, I am. It hurts how much I'm trying, but I try because I genuinely care about you so much that the pain is worth every moment I get to speak to you. So please. Just tell me, let me know. I'm here, as you said we're in this together. I'm here to help, but I can't help if I don't know anything. You don't have to tell me everything, but just an update. Please. Are we over? Are we still talking? What's going on? I don't know anymore. I'm not saying I'm done. You know you have to end it. I care about you, I do. I like you. So, just try to let me know something. Anything. Please?

[softue]

I'm not enough

TLDR; I don't feel like I'm enough for you, I hate myself and how much of a lazy piece of shit I am. You could do better even though I want to try and be better for you. I'm not enough for you, not in a like, you need more. I'm just not good enough, and it's not your fault. It's mine, I'm a bum who sits around with the hopes of the fucking world but once it's time to act I crumble under the pressure. I get in my head and over think, ruining my chances at a happy life. You deserve better and no matter how much I tell myself "I'll be better" or "I'll get this done, I'll do it for them" I just don't believe it. I'm a quitter, all my life it's all I've done. I quit school and cooked my brain, I quit my friends and let them go, I quit my health and let it slip. All my life I said it's whatever, giving up on it like the bum I am. You could do better, that's why I get so worried about you figuring that out. I don't have much to offer, most shit will rot away with me. I don't deserve you, I never have and I know it. You know it, you know you could do better. I wonder why you keep me around, the real reason. You might like my attention or the option. It's not my looks, figured that out a while ago. I don't really bring anything, just entertainment and a pastime. All I'm good for, if I'm being honest. To Be honest, I didn't accidently burn myself on a stove. Sorry I lied, I was going to tell you but I don't need you worrying about me or having that mental ideal about me. Honestly I hate myself, I hate my skin, I hate my hair, I hate my eyes. God my fucking eyes, I hate the way they rest, makes me look tried/weak. I hate everything, and it's my fault. Most of it? I can't control being black, but I can control my weight and hair health. I let myself go, it's my fault. Most things are, cause I'm a quitter.

I'm going nowhere, fuck the idea of 100T or streaming. I'm shit at val, worst of the worst. I can't maintain a streaming schedule cause I'm so fucking lazy. Every life schedule I try to make ends up failing me, well not failing me, I fail it. I fail everything, hell right now I'm supposed to be doing my chem shit. Finishing it off, but sometimes I wonder what the point of it is. I try to find hope and reason to live but every time I do it gets stripped from me. I hate my brain and I'd rather paint it on a wall then live with it in my skull. Don't worry though, I'm too pussy to kill myself, I think. I'm a fucking mess, and empty shell of a human. Sometimes I wonder if I treat you like my mom, like when you say "I'm not your mother". I have to take a step back and think, because I don't want you to feel that way. I don't need one, and I'm not looking. I just want someone to love me, yk? It's odd, I have this hole in my chest, this void that needs to be filled. I think it's love? I've tried everything else. Sex made me feel worse. Ignoring it made me want to die even more than I am. God made me feel guilty, still does. Idk man, life's weird. I don't really know how to put it. I'm scared to say it the wrong or right way because I don't want to lose you. That's why I mostly keep my mouth shut, so you don't get mad at me or have to correct me. Makes life easier. You make me want to try though, in life and shit. Which is new, most of the time I get that feeling of contentment. With you I don't, I know I HAVE to be better for you. There isn't a choice, you should have the world, you deserve the world. I want to do my best to give that too you. I just struggle, ig? It's less of a struggle and more of a wave. I wake up with a fire under me and then it slowly dies over a day or two. I get the willpower to live and then lose it. I get how cringe this might sound or how long it's getting. You don't have to read it. I never really write them for you to read them, just to imagine myself having a convo with you and help me clear my clouded mind. I wouldn't post them but it's the chance you read them that gives me that mindset? Like a gamble, idk man. All I know is I want to be the one for you, and I'm still going to try(?) and do my best. Even though my best isn't enough. 

It's not you that makes me feel like I'm not enough, well. Entirely? It's not your fault, its my brain overthinking and shit. Sometimes I feel like you bless me with chances and I keep fumbling them. Over and over. We keep getting into these "ruts" but btw I don't know what to call them. It's happening over and over, almost weekly. Which I feel like makes you not want to talk to me, I'd feel that way. I think, but I don't know. I don't know a lot when it comes to you. You're new to me, whole new ideals and mindset. I'm not used to this, at all. When I say diff mindset I mean like, the whole "Coming home to me" isn't anything I've heard before, and I'm still trying to understand and adjust. Just sounds like an open relationship to me. I think it's not that? I don't know. It's all so new, it's weird. I don't know how to feel or how to act about it or on it. I don't want to change who you are but does that mean I should change who I am? Is one of us right and the other is wrong? Are we both wrong and right? It's all so much, spinning in my mind. I don't want to lose you and I feel like we could work out, but sometimes I feel like I'm the only one willing to change. I'm trying to understand your pov but I don't feel like mine is getting seen. When we get into "ruts" and I misinterpret something you say. You say I'm "Putting words into your mouth" but when you do it your just understanding what I said better than I did. I don't like it. I don't like that. It's toxic, even if you don't realize you're doing it. You are. I don't want to argue or anything but I want to be able to speak my mind. I want to be able to have a conversation without you or me getting mad. I get you match energy but I don't do that to you, when you get mad at me and raise your voice I try my hardest to understand you. I get it, you're trying. But I need to get this off my chest. I can feel this mental weight leaving me. as I type. I don't want to ruin your day, or make you mad or cry. I just want to be able to be open. I know I struggle with understanding you when you're open. I'm sorry. I really am, we both have things we need to work on. I'd love to sit down and talk about it, like we planned. A weekly sit down chat about things. Sorry if this ruined your day or your mood.

I feel a lot better. After getting this off my chest. I'm not quitting, at least right now. I'm going to keep trying to be better for you. I know this whole thing is written poorly. Its pacing is weird, but it's how I think. This is straight from my brain. It's easier this way for me to express how I feel. I like you, a lot. I really do care about you, and us. I want to be better for you and myself. Sorry for all the times I've made you mad, or said the wrong thing. I know it's a lot to ask but could you tell me when I do? I never meant for you to feel like a dog, it's not how I meant it. I would have taken it back, trust me. I never want to hurt you like that. With my words or in any way. I'd never say something like that to hurt you, please. Trust me, and tell me so I can make it right. I can't read your mind, like how you can't read mine. Even if you can't tell me right away, please try and tell me at some point after. I don't want you hurting, especially if it's from something I said or did. 

[softue]

But they can't know.

Let's start off strong but saying I love them, but I can't use that word. So I just say I like them. It's something about them, when they speak, sing, dance (some of the funniest shit I've ever seen, in a cute way), or just sit there. I feel obsessed every time I dream, I wish I could tell them about my dreams. The dates, the ups and downs, the conversations. It all feels so real, I wish it was real. They can't know though. They're unsure and that's okay, I can wait. Right? I think I can, I want to. I want to wait, so they can be better. I know I'll probably just rush things and fuck it up, like normal. That's okay, I think. I just, want to tell them. That someone in this world cares, no matter what they do. I wish they would understand that my love isn't based off of actions they do or appearances they put up. I love the good and the bad, the dark and the light. Cringe shit, I know. It's true though, everything they do. Every word they speak, breath they take, thought they think, and muscle they move. I think it's all beautiful, but they can't know that. I don't want to scare them off, or make them feel rushed. Even if they end up feeling different, I don't want them feeling guilty. I won't act like they don't have flaws, but I don't mind. I want to work through them, lifting them up to be a better person. They can't know that though. Will they ever? Will they ever see themselves how I see them? I wonder how they see me? I feel like I'm not worth their time honestly, like I'm just there. Wasting their time, like a toy. I don't see what they see in me, which is why I wonder if they see anything at all. They can't know that though, it could make them realize they don't love me. If they do, cool. If they don't, cool. I can't change their mind, I just want them to feel loved. They can't know that though, or I might fuck things up. I can't fuck this up.

I wonder how they'd react to my past? My "issues". I've wanted to tell them at some point, but I'm too scared. They might see the old me for who I truly was, and always have that fear he might return. Which I wouldn't blame them, I'd worry too. I was an ass, a dick, a fuck-up. I sit awake thinking about how much I hate him, myself. Is it because I see my father in him? Is it because I'm scared of what I've done? Is it because I'm scared he'll come back? I think that's my worst fear, especially right now. I can't do that to them, I wouldn't. I couldn't. They don't deserve it, nobody does. Ruining trust, self image, causing scars, using people and bragging about it. It makes me sick, my stomach turns thinking about it. Then I think of them, and how kind they are. Even when they do things I dislike, I can't stay mad. I know that my anger in that moment isn't worth throwing away the joy I get from hearing that joy in their words, seeing the worry and stress leave. Even if it's for a second. All that weight on their shoulders, I wish I could take some off. Carry their burdens for them. Make them our burdens and worries, so they don't have to go through it alone anymore. God I love them, I'm madly in love. I think. I want to be sure, I need to be sure. That's why I need to wait, I couldn't bear ruining that word for them like everyone else. I feel like a stalker sometimes, even in my dreams. I watch, reading their face. Oh my God. That face. They will never understand how genuinely attractive they are. I don't care what anyone else says, it's not your type? Cool, that's fine. It's mine. I don't even care about looks, never have. Though they made me feel something, other than lust. It's a warm thumping in my stomach. Taking my words away with those eyes, how I could stare till the sun explodes. Everyone's eyes tell a story, and their story is one of the most stunning pieces I've ever read. They can't know that though. What if they don't think of me like that? I know I'm not the hottest guy, I'm aware. So I worry that I won't look good enough. That I'm not their type, but they can't know that. That's an ick.

Even when they put effort into looking nice or don't, I'll still think they are the prettiest thing I've ever seen. My golden Aphrodite, the deathless, the laughing one. Though they can't know that.

If I could tell them anything, anything at all. I'd say "I know I said I'd sleep. I'm sorry I lied, I hate when I do that. I didn't mean too. I just needed to get my thoughts out. I hope you don't mind(?). Nothing's changed, I just needed to vent my thoughts. It's easier this way then telling you. Take you're time, I don't mind. Waiting is what I'm here for. Figure yourself out, I'm here to help. I care so much about you, more than a friend? Yes. Though I still care, I care enough that I want you in a healthy spot. In every way. With or without me, I don't care as long as you're at your best. (I really hope you don't read this before work). From your Shining Star." But I can't. So they'll never know.