harold and maude
from the 1971 film. alter as needed.
i suppose you think this is very funny.
i’ve had the most trying day.
you’re a darling.
dinner at eight, [name], and do try to be a little more vivacious.
don’t play with your food.
i have a sore throat.
directly after dinner, i want you to go straight to bed.
this is too much. i can’t stand much more of this.
there seems to be a definite pattern emerging.
recognize the problem and you’re halfway on the road to its solution.
tell me, what do you do for fun?
why you purchased that monstrosity, i have no idea.
it is time you settled down.
you’ll walk tall with a glint in your eye and a spring in your step.
just give me a rough estimate.
i put a lot of effort into these things.
i like to look at junk.
if it was up to me, i’d ship you off to boot camp.
it is time now to put away childish things and take on adult responsibilities.
like some licorice?
i’ll never understand this mania for black.
there, that’s better.
accentuate the positive, so to speak.
i think we’re gonna be great friends.
can i give you a lift?
do you sing and dance?
i don’t see why not.
did you enjoy life when you were a child?
i even find the question distasteful.
don’t be too discouraged.
what a delight it is to bump into you again.
you go to funerals often?
ever drive a hearse?
i’m always looked for a new experience.
i think you’re upsetting people.
i’m just acting as a gentle reminder.
we come on the earth with nothing, and we go out with nothing.
at one time, i used to break into pet shops and liberate the canaries.
how the world still dearly loves a cage.
i’ll put on the kettle and we’ll have a nice hot cup of tea.
my door is always open.
do you have any friends?
that’s good planning.
you look a little pale.
how about some ginger pie?
my, [name], i’m glad to see you again.
certainly a new experience for me.
no, no, really get close and reach in and feel.
there’s no question: my body’s giving out.
that’s a nice teapot.
i like to watch things grow.
what flower would you like to be?
i feel that much of the world’s sorrow comes from people who are this, yet allow themselves to be treated as that.
people can live with smog. but trees, it gives them asthma.
a little after-dinner liquor?
consistency is not really a human trait.
what sense in borders and nations and patriotism?
everybody should be able to make some music.
just be impulsive, be fanciful.
i have a little present for you. a surprise. come along.
i don’t have one. i don’t believe in them.
the police, always wanting to play games.
i like the feel of soil, don’t you? and the smell.
the earth is my body, my head is in the stars.
isn’t it wonderful? all around us, living things.
you’re in a lot of trouble.
don’t get officious. you’re not yourself when you are.
that’s the curse of a government job.
it’s best not to be too moral. you cheat yourself out of too much life.
i’ve died a few times.
a lot of people enjoy being dead but they’re not dead really. they’re just backing away from life.
you are the wisest person i know.
reach out and take a chance, get hurt even, but play as well as you can.
i like you, [name].
come, i’ll teach you to waltz.
i think you should go and wash up.
historically, you’ll be in very good company in jail.
with your skill and my experience, i think we can come up with something.
good idea coming out here. it’s a lovely spot.
call me sir.
that’s some pretty strong stuff.
i do have friends in high places.
that’s a terrific story.
you’ll soon have stories like that to tell of your own.
will you really teach me to shoot?
you’re getting carried away.
don’t you talk to me like that, you little foul-mouth degenerate.
give me that. i’m gonna throw that in the sewer.
i’ll kill you!
pray? no, i communicate.
this is really nice. makes me feel like a kid. i want to do somersaults.
everyone has the right to make an ass out of themselves.
you can’t let the world judge you too much.
do you care to join me in a little cartwheel?
kindness is what the world sorely lacks.
you’re very beautiful.
you make me feel like a schoolgirl.
this is your third and final chance.
please try to take this seriously.
what a lovely place you have here.
do you enjoy knives?
it wasn’t very scary.
you can’t be serious?
i think it is best if we consider that forgotten.
i don’t care what people say.
how about some candy floss?
you sure have a way with people.
we are alone, but look at the stars and never feel lonely.
i cry at beauty—a first snow, a rose, a sunset.
you should have been a poet.
come. give me your arm.
i feel giddy.
this is the nicest present i’ve received in years.
i’ll put it in my wallet.
makes me want to vomit.
you’ve thought of everything.
i’ll be gone by midnight.
what a fuss this is. so unnecessary.
i thought, despite anything, you could always be happy.
oh, [name]. you are so young.
the main thing in life, my dear [name], is not to be afraid to be human.
i love you. do you hear me? i’ve never said that to anyone in my life before. you’re the first.
don’t die. i couldn’t bear it. please, don’t die. i can’t live without you.
i’ll never forget you.
go and love some more.
don’t upset yourself so.
it’s nothing personal.
farewell, [name]. it’s been all such fun.
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