soiwontbeannoyingonmain

[soiwontbeannoyingonmain]

Ughhhhhhh…. If I’m gonna be weird and get turned on by Asriel motherfucking Dreemurr, God of fucking Hyperdeath, I should at least have the guts to go on R34 with a purpose for once….

[soiwontbeannoyingonmain]

Looking through old posts is weird because. There’s a bunch of deactivated blogs that I talked with, a lot of people I was closer with that now feel about 800000 miles away

And what’s funny is, I know I was miserable back then, disgustingly miserable, but seeing the joy I managed to occasionally cherry pick makes me somehow long for that time

And it’s strange to see when I let my own emotion shine through, as well. So self deprecating, thought myself unlovable. I guess my self-esteem is still comparatively low, but… with someone who hypes me up at each step of the way, and loves me unconditionally, it’s almost laughable.

I dunno.

Also— I know this isn’t really a vent , but it feels a bit embarrassing for main.

[soiwontbeannoyingonmain]

My crushing depression would likely be at least somewhat alleviated if I went to sleep, but suppose that I am simply a contrarian to my own wishes?

[soiwontbeannoyingonmain]

Hah… it’s been a minute since I’ve dusted this blog off. Funny, since I’ve been on a pretty stagnant low for a good while.

I’m just gonna… dump my feelings out here and now so I don’t have to rant to my also horribly unhappy partner. It’s so sweet, god, to even think about accepting my burden… I don’t deserve anything like them.

My intrusive thoughts (I suppose they might be called?) have been coming back in full swing. Y’know, murdering people, hurting people I love, killing myself, etc… I’d be a liar if I said it didn’t suck.

I broke my three or so years of being clean, although I didn’t really hurt myself that bad. I dunno if I even deserve to call it breaking the clean, I never draw blood even with the intention. It’s stupid. I’m stupid.

Part of me just wants to choke on a bullet right now and let the world take its course without me in it. The other part is horrified by the prospect of death and wishes we were immortal. I guess that’s my last shred of self-preservation talking.

I still have things to do anyway s, I guess. But I’m so, so exhausted of ever and anything the world has to offer. I’m tired of my family and I’m done with my friends, and im disgusted by myself. I hate this. I hate this so much, man.

[soiwontbeannoyingonmain]

[soiwontbeannoyingonmain]

[soiwontbeannoyingonmain]

When I see a mutual go offline, I always hope they’re only asleep

I couldn’t handle it if they left forever, or died, or anything

Them, irl frinds and maybe a hobby or two are all that keep me from breaking

I’m so stupid I hate this I’m so dumb I’m sorry im sorry I’m sorry