solojista

[solojista]

“Life is too short for shitty sex and bad relationships. So go find someone who fucks you right and treats you how you deserve to be treated.”

— (via hplyrikz)

[solojista]

If you are not the first one she texts when she's drunk- dude, you are not the one.

[solojista]

[solojista]

[solojista]

[solojista]

“To love you was easy. As easy as breathing. To hate you was impossible. It was like trying to hate a part of me. The only part I liked. To forget you is difficult. As difficult as trying to remain dry during a storm. To forgive you is hurting. Hurting every cell of my body that has ever been.”

— creatingnikki

[solojista]

[solojista]

[solojista]

[solojista]

“Somehow, I’m still that insecure little girl I used to be, and so I still, out of habit, give too much of myself away, too quickly, too soon, hoping for reciprocation, wishing for someone who might love as much as I do, but all too often I find myself bleeding ink on sidewalks, alone again, so darling, please don’t leave me, don’t let me go, because I feel safe with you.”

— V.I.P.P.

[solojista]

[solojista]

Heart Break(s)

Sometimes, even your loudest cry can’t be heard by those who breaks your heart. Sometimes, even crying does not even help to ease the pain.

[solojista]

The Other Woman

I am a human being- I am flawed; I make mistakes, in fact I have made a ton of bad decisions. I rush into things, I force things. I judge things, I judge situations, and I judge people. I hate things that are not supposed to be hated, I love and like things that are not supposed to be. I left people who were not supposed to be left behind, and I loved people who were not to supposed to be loved and kept.

WARNING: This post is about being the other woman.

This should really be kept in private. Because this is not something that people will look up to, especially to young girls who can read this (assuming. murag naa poy muagwantag basa ani.) But this is a concrete example that being the other woman is only convenient in few months or years time, but it will never last.

So anyway, I ended my relationship and marriage. Reasons behind were accusations that eventually lead to facts. I landed with someone new- someone who has a kid, and who was or still in a relationship with the mother of his kid. I know it was so wrong to still continue the relationship or even begin a relationship with this guy. But hey! I did. Oh yes I did! I put aside my guilt, my conscience, everything that will kill me in my sleep, knowing that there is this other woman, on the other side of the world, expecting her man to be faithful, expecting her man to be back to her and their son's loving arms. The relationship was so convenient at first, I have to admit. I got the attention, the care, the presence- I got mostly everything. Months have past- the relationship grew. We then started to plan out our future TOGETHER. But I have not forgotten that I am ONLY the other woman. We did things together, accomplished things together, he supported me with my goals and dreams in life and with the things I wanna do and need to do. And I was the same with him. Things eventually turned out okay- despite of the arguments and disagreements we had. This eventually turned out really good- beyond what we have expected despite the fact that the relationship was a big mistake to begin with. I never told him to break up or leave the mother of his child. I never suggested nor gave him a deadline or I am out. But with what I was doing- staying with him, suggested otherwise. But one morning, He broke the news with me, that finally- they are over. But I did not believe it. Until he started telling me that he haven't talked to his child for a while because the girl didn't want him to have that privilege. Out of stupidity, I told him to get back with the girl, for the sake of the child, for the sake of his relationship with his child. I guess, they did get back together. The girl will be calling him while we were out together, and I saw the look in his eyes that he wanted to answer it but I was there. I swallowed my pride, and told him to answer the phone, I will be quiet and not say anything- at times he would still not answer the phone, but sometimes he does. So at times, when he does, I was besides him, listening to them talking. I just thank God that I do not understand French, so the hurt and the bleeding would remain minimal. Yet, I know I do not have the right to get hurt. One day came that he told me he wants things to be NORMAL, to be the real deal; that he wants me to be in his life, that he wants to build his future with me- then told me and for real this time, they are over. That he will deal with the fact that he will not be talking to his child anymore. I did not know what to feel that time- it was bitter sweet. I did not want his child to be growing up without him, I did not want the same thing that happened to my own kid, yet sweet- because finally I am not the other woman anymore. I was lured and blinded with his words and everything enticing about him. I was blinded by the fantasy I have built around our immoral relationship. Months and months have past- we grew together- we faced problems together. Yet I wondered, why can't he post anything on his social media(s) about us, nor about me. So I asked him. I asked him couple of times. And each time his reasons adds up to the previous ones he have told me. Reasons which were it is not just his thing to post, that he post randomly, that he does not wanna be posting stuffs yet because he is not yet in the pedestal where he wanna be in. Stupid reasons, still I accepted it. I left it like that. But I knew there was a big reason behind it. I knew that he does not want the girl to know about me, nor the ex he used to love head over heels before. I have confronted him about it- the same reasons were told. But, he started posting on his snap about us though but very rarely. Up until recently; he was telling me that he is going to post the short clip we had on his IG, I knew he will not do it, but he was trying to prove that he can- so i dared him. And yes! he did. I was surprised. But I did not mean to see, that after he posted it, he have searched the girl and his ex, he blocked them, so they could not see it. And yes! I do not have the rights to get hurt- but I did! Right after that happened, everything became clear to me, the puzzle I have been trying to complete became more visible and identifiable in my head. That being the other woman is the ticket and license for a guy to be doing you stupid, to treat you like shit behind those sweet words and actions he does.

Girls, do not settle with being the other woman. Do not be with someone who is still in a relationship with someone else and promises that they will be completely yours right after you give them your yes. Being the other woman gives you the power to demand stuffs (material things)- but he will never give you the real deal. He will give you a house, but never a home. He will give you attention but never affection. He will give you care but never comfort. He will give you the understanding but never the acceptance. He will give you the passion but never the Love. He would let you meet the people in his life- but never his real friends and family- you would not even know the name of his mom or his bestfriend(s).  He can fuck you so good, but he could not ever make love to you. You will not be shown to the world as his queen- you will always be shown to the world as his slave. Being the other woman, takes away your good education, where you have earned your degree and what you do for a living. And yes it might be true that they are in the process of leaving the original woman- yet it is not right for a real man to be in a new relationship without ending the one he still has on his hands.

People will judge me- you will judge me. And I should not care, I should care less. And I have to care less about it, because these are my actions. So I have to face the consequences. I never wanted to be the other woman, I never dreamt to have the lux of being one- because there are no lux of being the other woman. I never wanted to be the sidechick. But I entered into one- hoping that the wrong thing will turn out good or will justify at the end of the tunnel. But there are just some things that no matter what we do if we started it wrong- it will always be wrong- it will end up wrong.

To the girl that I broke her heart- I am really sorry. I should've have known better. To your child- I am really really sorry, I did not mean to take away your dad from you. If I could undo some things- including this- but I cannot. I had no rights to break you and hurt you but I already did, and sorry is the least I could do.

To all the other women, I don't know what are your reasons why you are in that position. And I cannot blame you why you are there- sometimes- we are just blinded by the idea of love. And all we wanted to do is love and to be loved in return. But it is not yet to late. The right love will come, as soon as we start taking the right direction.

To all the girls, please do not engage with this kind of behavior. Please be the woman that God have prepared and wanted you to be. Please be the princesses that your parents have brought you up to be. Please be the queens that your daughters and sons will be looking up to. Please be the woman with dignity and self respect. You deserve better guys, and a real man. We deserve better men- the one who will give us not the conveniences but the good things even if things are falling apart.

and To you- I will be over you soon, thank you for the lesson- it came and hit me so hard- that I have to pick myself up twice as I should need to be. And whatever you have now, I do pray that it will really work. Please do not be walking around breaking hearts.

[solojista]

[solojista]

[solojista]

You will always be enough

for the right people,

no matter how many times

you stumble and fall

for the wrong ones.

Catch You // ma.c.a

[solojista]

THE UNFORTUNATE EVENT OF A MARRIAGE

WARNING: This is a long ass post. Don't read if you get bored easily and if you don't have the patience. Thank you!

I haven’t really talked about my relationship and my marriage. It wasn’t for the reason that I didn’t have the guts to do it or I was not proud of it, but it was more of a privacy reason; mainly because my marriage was hidden from my friends and family, more especially from my parents. My marriage was a gunshot kind. Although we got engaged the year 2015, it was planned that we are eventually going to get married- still it ended up being unplanned; as to the date of the wedding, if it is going to be a courthouse or church wedding, as to who’s going to be invited, the budget, the rings, and what I am going to wear. The wedding happened in a heartbeat. I did not even take my time off and my leave. Everything was done in a snap of the fingers- from choosing, shopping of the entire attire of the wedding, to picking out our wedding bands, and to choosing of which courthouse- which we ended up choosing the one that was not even in our list. Everything turned out to be different from what expected. I had to switch with my work schedule on the day of my wedding and returned the next day. November 7, 2016- We tied the knot. We only had our neighbor, our daughter and the judge inside. We did not have any photographers, we did not have our vows, we didn’t have anything to make the moment special. I even remember briefing the judge to make a disclaimer that all of those were a play, just because my daughter will tell my mom and since my mom did not know about it. I still remember when the judge has asked me if I accept my husband to be my lawfully wedded partner, I paused for a good minute, so she had to repeat it again and then I said yes. And when the time of the “you may now kiss the bride”, I kid you not, he did not even kiss me on my lips, instead, he kissed me on my forehead and on my cheek. Our wedding was very ordinary. The venue was very simple. We then went to a Chinese restaurant, had 2 more guests, and that was it. We drove going to Glendale for a scenic drive and we headed home. We did not have any romantic moment at home, in fact, we slept early that night. Because I had work the next day. 

Our wedding day was not special in terms of the level of preparation and whatnot, but it was special, because despite the trials we had been through together, the criticisms and the judgments, we still have managed to get to that point, and although it meant to be hidden from the people who are close to me. We had a rough journey before getting married, we even canceled the “planned wedding” earlier, because of some personal differences and changes of our characters, but at the end, we still decided to tie the knot. Our marriage was not perfect, not even close to the picture-perfect marriage. Our wedding was not ideal, and so as our marriage. Weeks after we got married, we started having fights on petty things, and he was the one who brought up about getting a divorce. But I stood up as a wife, I just brushed it all off and pretended I never heard it.

Weeks have passed. And we reached our one month being married together. But before 2016 ended, our marriage started to fall apart- slowly and slowly. 3 days before Christmas, he told me he really wanted a divorce- and he wanted to end what we had. All those decisions came from presumptions and assumptions that I was cheating. He then changed the way he treated me. He became cold towards me and to our relationship. I remember asking him to give our marriage another chance.

But he insisted divorce. I could not believe it. So then I told him, I will accept everything he would be doing, and I will understand his attitudes towards me just as long as he will give our marriage a chance, that I know it's not gonna be easy but for our marriage, I am going to endure it. Months have passed. No valentines day, no special days. But March 2, 2017, our 5th year anniversary, I came home from work with flowers and a card. There, I had a leap of faith in our marriage again, that it will go back to how we used to be. We still had fights, there were some days that we didn’t even talk the whole day, that he didn’t even go home at night and sometimes, I went home super late- from the boozing nights, just because I couldn’t handle the fact that we lived in the same house, but we didn’t sleep together anymore, worst was we barely even talk. Mid of March came, I found out I was pregnant. But he said it's not his. But again, I stood up for the vow that I have made- for better or for worst. March 23, 2017, came. All the unexpected things happened. Things that I have never seen coming my way.

We had a fight just because of an iPhone charger that went down for a deeper reason. Reason being that I wanted to talk to him since we got married we have not talked and discussed our plans together for our marriage, I desperately wanted to talk to him. But he kept ignoring and running away from me. I wanted to talk with him so bad because I was losing what I was carrying- I started to have painful cramps and started to bleed out. I wanted comfort from him. But he denied me that. So with my desperation, when he was about to walked out I grabbed his shoulders, I guess it hurt him, so He shook me hard then I ended up slapping him. He ended up calling 911. To make it short, police came and arrested me. I ended up in jail.

I begged for him to tell the police what really happened to them not to take me. But he just stood there, and looked at me, and told me that I deserved to be in that position. I had my hands handcuffed, I felt like my world was falling apart. I begged, I cried my heart and lungs out, and then I started feeling the gush of blood coming out... But still, they took me. I was in jail for almost 24 hours. I was treated like shit there. I asked for pain meds because of the pain I was feeling. But I haven’t gotten anything but the word WAIT. Foods were served like I was a dog, I asked for a water but they told me that the only water I could have was the water from the faucet which is connected via the toilet bowl. But I had no choice because I was thirsty. The inmates I was with were people who really convicted a crime, and I was scared to death because they were bullying me. I felt all my rights have been taken away from me. Good thing, I could place a bail. But the bad news was that my bail has amounted $20,000. I contacted few bail agencies and found a good deal. I took a risk of getting it because I could not stand being inside. But it wasn’t that easy.

I was still put in confinement, where they had to move me for the night in a single cell. There, it was all walls, the wardens were rude. I cried so hard when I knew I had to spend the night. But I kept praying, I prayed to be given a heart that still forgives my husband despite putting me in jail. I prayed to be strong enough to stand through the storm. I kept crying and kept dialing the warden through the phone begging to release me because I have a daughter and that I already placed a bail. But again they were rude and told me to suck it all in. I waited. And I waited. 10:30pm I was released on the bail that I placed. My husband was the one who picked me up. We did not talk. He did not talk to me. Until I got home. I had to pretend nothing happened that I just came from my friend’s house because my daughter was still awake that time. I had to pretend it was okay because I did not want my mom to worry. I got to jail and I lost a baby. But with all that I have never gotten an apology. But even then, I can’t get myself to get mad at him. That despite that, I still wanted him to want me. Days, and weeks passed, I still talked with him without the thought of what happened. I still asked him for a date and all that, though I know, it's not going to change anything. I still kept coming back to him and asked for another chance, to give our marriage a chance, to give a chance for us to seek for counseling, although he has already told my mom that he doesn’t want me anymore. And that our marriage doesn’t even stand a single chance. But because I still wanted the marriage, I still kept coming back. But he kept on rejecting and shooing me away. I got lonely, and I was losing hope. I got desperate for the love and attention that I have been wanting from him. I then turned to be the person I have never thought I would when he told me that he does not want me anymore that we are only friends, that we are only married in the papers and that we will just be helping each other. My heart broke and scattered into pieces. I was lost- I did not know what to do as for those years, my life was depending on him. I was scared to be alone. I was scared of facing the world. So, I started seeing people. It was against my will, but I had to. I had to because I was stupid and because the pain I have felt was unbearable. I had to because I was scared because I lost meaning to everything. And because that was the main reason why we ended up this way, because of his assumptions about me being a cheater.

Secrets and lies cannot be hidden for so long, rumors started spreading, it then came to his ears. His behavior towards me has gotten worst- which I won't blame him to be. It was his right. Despite that, He still remained a good provider. He helped me with my school and all things related to it, but he made a clarification that he would help me but I would help him as well for his legality here. I agreed. But even without the help of my school, I still would help him. Months and months have passed- he changed into a different person. He changed his treatment and approach towards my mom and my daughter, he seemed really distant and withdrawn. He started not to go home anymore every Friday nights,’he started to be more open about him talking to some girls in front of me, started to tell me about the girl he was chatting with, of how he thinks about the girl, how pretty and smart the girl is, and started telling me about the Girl he likes at his workplace. All that, I ignored it and pretend it was nothing. Because I myself have mistakes too. I hung out with my coworkers, friends, and all that, that's why there were presumptions and assumptions that I was cheating even before the actual act was done. I finished my studies. Despite all our fights, stresses, and 2 jobs. It wasn’t easy. Our fights have gotten worst in each passing day. Until intimate moments became a reason for our fight. It was too much to handle.

So I decided to move out. I moved out even I know it is going to be hard on my end. But I thought that being separated from him will make our hearts long for each other. First few weeks, it worked. He started to call me and text me like we used to. But there were fluctuations in between. I still kept coming back though it was stupid on my other end because of what I have done as well. But I could let it go if he would tell me he wanted us back together and is willing to patch and work things out. We fought, we made out and whatnot but he really told me that there is nothing to salvage with what we had and what our marriage had. I have been always praying for things to be in the place where they are meant to be. Even if I really wanted us back together. I have been always praying for us to be in a place that we are going to be happy even if it is not with each other anymore. At one point, before 2017 ended, I really thought we would get back together. And I was all 100% ready to drop everything stupid that I was doing. We spent our Christmas together, with my daughter and my mom- it was one of the best gifts I have received that year. But only knowing recently that it was our last Christmas to be together as a family.

January 2, 2018- where everything was put to an end. Where I accepted the fact, that we don’t stand a chance, that our marriage doesn’t stand a single tiny chance. It was all because a photo was sent to him accidentally, from my phone which I was not aware of- the photo was a photo of me and the guy I was seeing after he told me that He does not want me anymore. So after seeing that photo, his anger was ranging on me. Told me that I am disgusting, that I am a cheater- and I totally understood. Because even before I have done such acts, he already sees me that way. We ended up in a position where we never planned to be in.

My mistake was not I was not brave and strong enough. I got impatient of waiting. I got hurt too much when he decided to let go. I got scared of being alone. And it's not supposed to be that way. Now, I totally lost my husband. I totally lost my marriage- OUR Marriage. I lost everything. I lost my best friend, my best confidante, I lost my husband- the man whom I could only see my future with. I am almost losing my future- because of my case and being in jail, the boards of nursing are doing their investigation of whether I could take the boards or not. I lost everything. And gained all the regrets in the world, started to catch all the bullshits that the universe is throwing at me.He made me felt that I was not enough. He kept rejecting me. He kept shooing me away. And then I kept coming back. I kept hurting myself. Then with the pain, I cheated. And that's how things ended.

This post is not to gain any sympathy nor seek any people to take sides. My husband was and still is a great person... He was a great boyfriend for years and years before we got married. He has done a lot of things for me, have done a lot of sacrifices and whatnot. He was a great partner. I would not have married him if He wasn’t a great partner. Because he was. He gave a lot of meaning in my life- he was a good provider to me and have treated my daughter as she was his own. He helped me through the bullshits I had, He was the only family I had when I and my parents were not in a good position. He was and still is a great person. It's just that people change through seasons. Feelings change. And it was just sad to know that he and I have changed. Our marriage was nowhere, where we have ever planned it to be. Our positions right now were nowhere in our plans. We both committed mistakes and decisions that we both regret. I regret the step that I made. I regret being impatient. I regret being scared. I regret being a sucker to end up alone. I regret cheating. I regret those things. I am not proud of what I did, But I feel like, the people who know us, need to know that it was not just his fault- that I have shares of mistakes too. This is not how I wanted us to be. I never wanted us to end. But it is already here.

So for those of you, who have found the one, please take care of them and take care of each other. Lucky and blessed for those who have found their true love. Marriage is not just all about happiness and good moments. Its a mixture of both. There will be problems that may come in your way, but don’t let it step in. Your marriage is worth than anything else in this world. Your partner will always be the person whom you can turn to no matter what. Mistakes and failures are apart of marriage and apart from being a human being. If one is weak, be the strong one for your love and marriage. Forgive and forget the mistakes and always give your 100% into your marriage. Marriage and to be married and to stay married is not easy. It's always a work in progress. I am not going to say, infidelity is avoidable- because it is not. But always pray together to beat the temptation, and if still one of you have given in, pray harder that at the end of the rope, both of you are still holding on to the vows that you have made in front of the people and in front of God. Problems, struggles, and obstacles are always there. But keep on praying together. Don’t give up on each other- embrace each other’s flaws, imperfections, and failures. Always give allowances for mistakes as for love is greater than the consequences of the mistakes made. Being married is tough. But sure is, its worth it when both of you is on the same path of the journey to forever- regardless of the hindrances along the way.

My story is not to discourage any of you who are in a relationship or marriage or who wants to get married, I want it to be a lesson to everyone. That there is no reasonable excuse for why one cheats. That problems always arise. That we just have to hang a little bit more for things to be back on track. I want people to know that in marriage, two people should be together in all aspects, and should work together as one. There is no secret and formula for a happy marriage but to be each other’s backbone. No one is better out there than your spouse- when you are losing hope with your marriage, always look back to the day of when and how you have started, the reasons of why you married each other and why you married your spouse, always look back to the vows you have made, and to the future that you both have made. Most of the time, the best and strong marriages, are not the ones that do not have any problems, they are the ones that's been through a lot but decided to stick around and stay. So for those who are going through a problem, hang in there. Give chances as long as it is possible; as long as there is no physical force involved. You will get through it. And for everyone who is in love and in marriage, continue to grow in love and make God the center of your relationship...

Your marriage is worth it and will be worth it. That’s why you got married. Hold on there, pray together, when things get hard, pray harder. And know that there is a greater purpose why God has chosen you to be together instead of anybody else.