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[someone-give-me-a-hug]

Hey big sib!

Little life update for you, on top of the others haha:

I’m okay, I’m doing better than I was, exam stress has been getting to me hard but I have one final exam on Friday morning. I’ve learnt a lot about myself and how I can’t just keep setting targets and doing nothing to reach them because it’s unhealthy and is heartbreaking.

I don’t think I’m going to get into the university I really wanted to go to, but I’m okay with that. I don’t even know if I want to go there anymore for a number of reasons but the main one is just because accepting it now is better than crying on results day (14th August).

I’m going to Paris in July! How exciting! With my best friend ever and it will be the first holiday without my mummy! I’m really really looking forward to it.

I have felt a little down lately but it’s getting better thank god (literally and as a phrase lol). But overall the biggest thing would be I changed my last name! My dad disowned me, he said that because I didn’t want contact with him he is not my dad and refuses to help out with anything in my life. Funny how life changes like that! So I changed my last name to my mummy’s maiden name!

I felt a lot of feelings about it but overall I’m very neutral, I don’t think it’s sunk in yet and nothing feels like it’s changed but that just comes from living on an island surrounded by the same people always. Maybe University will be different.

My aim for the summer is get tan and fill a journal up. It’s only a small one but it’s got finches on it so that should be fun!

I hope everything’s going well for you! I think about you often and fondly! I hope you aren’t too too busy and that your family are well and so are your church friends.

I wanted to take a moment just to say how much you’ve changed my life for the better. Always knowing that someone out there cares about me and will support me has been pivotal. I want you to know that it goes both ways and you will always have a bit of me with you! I don’t know why I phrased this like a goodbye lol, I hope it’s not!

Love you always!

Little sib

P.S enjoy this picture of my friends dog

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I’m okay I’m aliveeeee 2 exams left 🤪🤪🤪

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I think I’m spriraling again, and in the middle for cams which means I probably won’t get into my top choice uni

Funny how life works! Doesn’t feel like it’s working at all

Don’t really know who to tell

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Hey big sib miss you 💖💖💖

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Hey big sib guess who’s just got disowned by her dad!

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Exams started today!!!

Horrible horrible horrible

But I’ve made a magpie friend

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Happy eatserrrrrr

Happy Good Friday! I almost forgot to say it!!!!

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Happy Good Friday! I almost forgot to say it!!!!

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HEYYYYYY

Life update I am befriending a magpie that likes to come into my garden

It will work I’m feeling super confident!

And my grandma is completely healed again!!!! Still crazy though but we love her!

How’s adult job finding/getting going?! 💖

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Hi big sib!

I’m gonna reply soon! But for now I’m gonna leave you with a bit of writing and a bird picture I took today!!

Love you always!

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OH MY GOD HEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Im feeling a lot better now! Golly gosh that was a lot though! Onward and upwards! Honestly what keeps me going when I feel weak or low or just the icky horrible stuff that is just ew is a cacophony of things.

It’s a mixture; I love how it feels to belly laugh with my friends, who’s gonna throw socks at my mum and make her jump? Who’s gonna dance wildly in my bedroom if I’m not in it? Who’s gonna make sure the people I love know I love them? Who’s gonna tease my favourite teachers or do something stupid like forget how to open doors…. Something I do nearly every week… yeah I don’t know how either!

I think it boils down to I love being human and I do love being alive, I just remind myself that I’d miss people too much if I disappeared!

I’m still writing! A lot actually! Though no updates on finding a pen pal :/ I entered a poetry competition (I know I’m not gonna win but still it was a big move!) it’s officially Easter break? I call them the holidays but I think Americans say break? So I’m off and revising for two weeks!!!! Exams are up and coming and scaring the socks off me!!

Me and my mummy are like super close now! I love her so much and we have a great relationship! My grandma is doing good too! She got her other hip done! My dad I’m not talking to again, he saw my mum in the street Christmas Eve and shouted merry Christmas very aggressively in her face as he walked past and I blocked him and said that if he didn’t respect my mum (which he historically hasn’t) then I wasn’t willing to continue a relationship with me. He also called me a brat that same day because I didn’t want to get trainers? Yeah I was confused! Then my birthday happened in march and he gave me a card that said if I wanted a gift I’d have to meet up with him… I binned the card!

Honestly birds are still my favourite thing ever!!! Robins are a big deal to me! They’re so intelligent and love having their picture taken!

Ive had a mini spat (?) with my friend I think? She’s not really talked to me since Friday when I got upset at a party because a boy made a comment about weight and I cried. It wasn’t even to me and I messaged said boy later going hey sorry if I made you uncomfy! I just needed a minute! And he was like sorry if I offended you! So we’re chill! But she said I caused a drama with him… but she was fine in the moment? So it’s a bit confusing but oh well! Maybe she’s just busy!

New Year’s resolutions are going alright! Still trying hard to complete them! The kindness one I’ve been doing better at! My teacher said and parents evening that I was a lot lighter in myself? I don’t really know what he meant because I don’t think I’ve changed that much but I’ll take it!

I also had to google what a bobcat was! Cute. I need to give one a cuddle immediately.

Poor little chickadee! Glad she’s okay!!!!!!!

I’m so happy you’re alive!!!! Anyway find attached a picture of a robin I took that I thought you’d might like!

P.s we had our Holy Week mass at school and I had to do a reading as the donkey who carried Jesus on its back, it was very very hard to keep a straight face!

With love your very very English little Sib! 💖

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Hey big sib!

You okay? Xx

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Miss you big sib!

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The days used to eat me alive,

Tuesday and Wednesday would rip and tear at the meat of my thigh whilst Friday sat firmly on my chest. The suffocating feeling of failure, of each day being just as useless as the one before; every new day a timeless lapse. A cycle for an addict is how I’d describe the pain. As if in constant withdrawal, life would float barely out of reach as my fingers failed to reach for it. Praying to a god that is not sure exists that the creation of my failures would not overwhelm me but too tired to even reach out and change the trajectory of the way my world span. When that stopped the birds sang again and each Sunday no longer gnawed at my leg like a savage dog. That freedom, that high is better than any narcotic. Better than any hit or toke or puff. So tell me what shall I do now that Saturday nips at my ankles? Shackling me to a life I thought I’d left behind? The tension between want and will almost drowning my every thought bursts the lifeboat I made for myself during the years the days used to eat me alive. Now I’m floating around with half inflated armbands in a sea full of sorrow and I cannot see the shoreline, and Monday is an orca who has mistaken me for lunch.

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Big sib,

I’m struggling again. I hate it. I don’t know if it’s just a bad night but I just feel like I’ve never had any meaningful connections and every single one has been limited by some mistake of my own or the other person holding back. All I want to do is be able to love so much and so fully that everyone is happy but I’ve never felt like I’ve had a duo before. I’ve never got in. I’m always too much and too open. I just crave so badly to be understood on the same level I strive to understand others and I want so badly for it to be mutual. Like any mistake made doesn’t completely tarnish the rest of my friendship with a person. I’m feeling really alone and really in my own body lately. But I got myself a camera, and a will to learn so I’m hoping I can do something, build some sort of connection with someone or something. Who else can I build it with if not myself? I always find a way to mess things up in every other way anyway.

Hope everything is well on your side of the pond and that you’ve managed to catch my other updates! Miss you so much! 🫶

Love always,

Little sib

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BIG SIB!

honestly fishies will always outlive people because like?! I think it’s their gills. I’m lying. I think it’s just them being fishies. Anyways! So glad he’s alive and well!

I did have to google what a coyote was and ummmm they look very scary. To be honest though things are only scary because we have separated ourselves so much from the natural world we expect everything to live to the laws we design and shun and kill what doesn’t conform to human value 🤷‍♀️

We don’t even have foxes here so I have no experience with anything worse than a squirrel that wants to eat your bird seed!

Honestly life over here is HECTIC. It’s really not that’s another lie?! I went on my first solo drive on Monday and genuine review? 6/10 cool but felt like my heart was going to explode out my chest.

I couldn’t tell you what was going on today on island because I went out with my aunty and grandma for lunch! I had a salad because I needed some vegetables after this holiday season! Pretty sure my body is very happy with me 💪💪

For me the start of the year doesn’t begin until I go back to studying on the 6th so it’s still Christmas in my head! And technically is Christmas anyway. So I’m actually right!

My New Year’s resolution is to be nicer! I feel like I always have set plans and ways in my head for both myself (mainly myself) and others and I can get a little snappy when it doesn’t work! Not out of me trying to be mean but because I’m like “um… why? Do it properly! You’re not following the unspoken rules I’ve created for myself!” Which is so unfair for people around me!

I also want to get out more and build a few hobbies but I hate when things don’t go perfectly so that’s another learning curve!

My dream hobby would be letter writing but I have no one to write letters to! So…. Yes perhaps that needs to get sidelined a little.

Anyway hope you’re well!!!!!!

Talk soon!

Peace out ✌️

[someone-give-me-a-hug]

Happy new year big sib 🫶