somethingimnotembarassedbylater

[somethingimnotembarassedbylater]

[somethingimnotembarassedbylater]

[somethingimnotembarassedbylater]

[somethingimnotembarassedbylater]

[somethingimnotembarassedbylater]

[somethingimnotembarassedbylater]

i am okuyasu i haven’t even seen him and i love him and i am him and he is me and i just want that simple pleasure of existing and having responsibilities and loving someone and fighting i just want to

[somethingimnotembarassedbylater]

sexy spider-man mmmmmmmmmmmm

[somethingimnotembarassedbylater]

[somethingimnotembarassedbylater]

ugh i’m just in the mood right now. i just don’t know like what am i even doing cause how am i lonely like that’s so fucjing lame that’s such a lame problem to have that’s so trash that’s absolutely terrible i hate it so much what the hell im just not into the concept at all i don’t wanna face it cayse when you think about it what friends do i really have lmao??????????? this is my fault for sure like i can’t even blame anyone else for fhis i’ve been purposefully not putting in effort and putting it off as a oh im taking time for myseld so it’s self care,,, thats a lie self care would be doing things id actually feel good at the end about. i’m just alone huh like when i think about it’s not bad i’m not mad at it i don’t hate it cause i have the things that bring me joy and i have the things i don’t thats life for everyone but then being seen as lonely rhats fucked up i hate that so much like someone’s gonna pity me,, ME??? i have a perfect life haha why would anyone think about me and not be jealous why would they think of me and feel bad for me why would they think oh poor girl let me try harder as some charity like this is my absolute worst nightmare and the fact that i’m triggered so easily too especially by her but i don’t know what it is about her like is it that she’s extremely aggressive when talking to me or is it that she reminds me of who i really am i can’t hide behind a screen in front of her she knows i got no friends and i don’t think she’s exactly subtle about bringing it up again and again like i get it a joke is a joke but i am sensitive i’ll admit i get my feelings hurt so quickly and there goes my entire day you know like i haven’t done anything and i don’t know if i will and i don’t feel fulfilled at all and i’m lacking im not spiritual i’m not good at anything i’m literally just here i’m not even contributing i’m legit just here and i can’t lie about that this isn’t enough ofcourse it isn’t cause is anyone even happier seeing me anyone even think of me in a fond way am i even someone’s go to cayse i don’t think so no ones my fucjing go to anymore i hate it so much i’m just a lonely loser who sits in her room and eats and takes and hoards and is awkward and has nothing to show for herself no social skills no attractive attributes nothing about me is someone i’d willingly talk to cause fr there’s absolutely nothing of substance i ever have to say ,,, the last time i had a real conversation God i can’t even remember cayse what the fuck who am i even honest to? who’s gonna sit there and listen to me? is fhis why people want a boyfriend is rhis why girlfriends are important? as if anyone would ever try to even have a conversation with me cause who the fuck am i even what do i have to say? all i do is distract distract distract like from what? what even is inside me? nothing right? i’m not a real person i have no personality i’m just a parroted version of other people i’ve seen i legit have no respect no attributes about me that anyone would ever want to have so then i jisy change my appearance and bet everything on that so that i can be interesting there’s absolutely nothing of substance in me i hate it i hate it here it hate it i don’t hate me there is no me i jisy fuckijg hate it i don’t know how to be a person i feel like i’m just fundamentally missing a part of a person that lets them have a spine and make decisions or do things that they like or express any kind of emotion cause havent i just been fake as hell to everyone and fuck they all think i’m an attention strived baby who can be quelled with some affirmations right? like no one will ever ask about me right? it’s not like i’m asking either am i ,, so it is my fault right? i look and am pathetic to anyone who knows me and they all look down on me i fucking hate it i imagine it’ll be better if i meet someone who understands but clearly it’s been 19 years no one fucking does

[somethingimnotembarassedbylater]

to be

oh to be an 18th century pirate sailing the high seas and wrecking havoc, practicing swordplay with your first mate while spouting flirty comments, then pinning them under your blade in a suggestive yet threatening manner 

- not me but could be

[somethingimnotembarassedbylater]

[somethingimnotembarassedbylater]

[somethingimnotembarassedbylater]

[somethingimnotembarassedbylater]

[somethingimnotembarassedbylater]

[somethingimnotembarassedbylater]

[somethingimnotembarassedbylater]

academia

to be honest when i first heard the term dark academia i thought it cheapened the whole aesthetic but it’s a tumblr community that romanticizes one specific genre of media made about one particular time in history, so its not like it was the most untouchable thing to begin with, but if it exists ofcourse i’m into it. 

i don’t know exactly when i first started watching things that subscribed to wearing tweed, classist university culture, and romantic literature but i remember finding this term when i was looking at things related to kill your darlings. its a good movie, not bad but the amount of fucking disappointment i felt after reading into who Allen Ginsberg really was, you have no idea. he’s known for being a pioneer for beat poetry and i think his contributions to the work are and should be appreciated but goddamn it, he was also a pedophile. what the fuck. i have yet to hear about one man, a single male, who is known for contributing to the art and history and is simultaneously not a disgusting piece of shit. how hard is it really? is it that hard to just, not be straight evil? BUT for all purposes of this i’m considering the character daniel radcliffe plays in the movie as completely removed from the real life inspiration and as a completely fictional man. i know you can never really separate the art from its origins completely and at the end of the day, the story is just a snapshot of a time in his life, but its not right glorifying him as a person knowing what his actions were. i don’t know how to separate the man from his actions because isn’t that who he is? i’m just gonna refer to the character as dan. dan was the nice boy who liked poems and fell in love with the cute troubled boy.

what i loved about kill your darlings and dead poets society and that one snk fic i read, is that they all kind of have common main elements. academic setting, love for the arts, a sense of adventure/murder/mystery, and they all follow protagonists that are insecure or unsure of themselves or naive, and they meet that one person who’s everything they’re not-the person that’s going to take their hand and lead them into a life that’s never going to be the same. its not just this, its also the visual aesthetics. they’re all in a place that bigger and outside their control. old buildings, wooden desks, exposed brick, hanging vines, beige trench coats, wool sweaters. plaid trousers. it’s also running through the rain, dimly lit by streetlights. brown tweed jackets, dress shoes. the inherent eroticism of cold fingers and colder gazes, dark candlelit rooms with ancient wood floors/walls. ofcourse that doesn’t capture it all but you get it. 

ah to be the one yearning for your eccentric roommate who’s eyes light up when they’re passionate, for the one who wakes you up at 2 am to sneak out to see the stars, to explore the grounds, to break into the forbidden part of the building just to see what’s out there. to steal glances in class, to intertwine your legs under the library desks, to mysteriously wake up next to them in the morning. to understand each other, to linger a little too long when your fingers touch, to be completely lost in them. shit that makes you feel like love exists. 

i think i find the romantic and aesthetic part of it most appealing. the academia i’ve spent my life participating in hasn’t ever had a focus on the arts. partly my fault, i’ll admit. i don’t think i ever gave it a chance. i don’t think i ever found it to be a defining part of my identity either. sure i’ll do all nighters to finish my assignments, sure i’ll do extra research on topics i find interesting, but nothing about the things i enjoy learning about has had me spending time inside a class and listening to my professor rant about something passionately. the closest i’ve gotten to this was a world issues class that had nothing to do with art or creation, but to do with social commentary. there’s not one person that i’ve met in my field of study that is passionate about their work, least of all me and i think because of the inflated and overly romantic view of academia i had, i’m disappointed. is this just real life for most people? i have to admit to myself that i’m most people? i have to accept that i’m just not destined for more? maybe if i followed through with applying for social work, maybe if i applied to public policy, maybe if i had some real passions that i was actually good at. i’m not saying i’m not a passionate person. i know i feel, and i feel a lot. i care about almost everything i encounter. i do want to spend my life doing. i want to help children in pakistan, i want to spend my time travelling every corner of the world, i want to get to know people, every kind of person that exists, and i want to know everything i possibly can. understand how the world works, how people think, how we can change, how we used to be, i want to spend my time listening and seeing. i think my want to create is less than my want to consume. maybe that’s selfish. maybe. 

there’s a lot i can say about academic culture being elitist and exclusionary, about mainstream stories told solely through eurocentric male lenses, about only catering to a tiny demographic, but it never fails to make me want it anyway. the shallow, vapid, aesthetic focused part of it that exists on tumblr never fails to make me think a good turtle neck and trousers combo will make me happy either. 

its a chilly june morning. i drank some tea and ate some leftover omlette. i hear pakistani news in the back, baba rattling his pill bottles, and the wind blowing outside. it’s a normal summer day.