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Red Flag #1

So I met a guy. On October 3rd we hung out for the first time. It was fantastic. I've seen him nearly every night since then. Decided we're in a relationship and all that jazz, we both deleted our dating site profiles, etc.

One of the main reasons I like him so much is because he gets me. He broke up with his narcissist ex around the same time that I left Ryan. We fit together. I really, really like him.

Last night he messaged me that he was stranded in Wyoming. Major bummer, but I get it. I texted him a couple times today but got no response. Then around 8:30pm he finally sent a text saying that he was really sore after drinking too much last night. I texted back that I'd be over soon.

Opening the door to his room, and there he is sitting on the bed, next to his ex. It's my own nightmare all over again. At least they both had their clothes on. I calmly ask what is going on. He begins to flip out, can't even hardly form a sentence. Basically the jist is that she's accusing him of hacking her phone, he's trying to prove her wrong. He tells me to give him 15 minutes.

Well, it's now been an hour and a half. I peeked back in and let him know that, and he went all frazzled and tongue tied again. I told him that if he wants me to leave I will, but I'll need to collect all my things because I won't ever be coming back again. That shut him down real quick.

My god, how do l allow myself to get into these situations? I should just grab my shit and go. I fucking hate this! But again, I don't want to be alone. And I really, really like him.

Fucking hell.

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the notes are broken 😂

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website

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me when math class happens

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can my brain please stop thinking about food

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via areyouwhoyouwannabe on tiktok

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can someone be so nice to me and love me unconditionally and text me all the time and be very sweet and never leave me ever and compliment me and and and

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should have died at 15 but now it's too late and i have dishes to do

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“Where do you see yourself in the future”

Bb I don’t. I do not. I do not see myself. There is no future.

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This week has been terrible. Horrific. Miserable. Monday started off not too bad. Matthew messaged me finally after days of complete silence. He was sore and overtired after trying to find places to camp each night. I got a hotel room for us so he could stay somewhere comfortable at least for the night. He was so greatful and he held me all night, it was so nice not to be alone. The next morning we had breakfast at Waffle House. I took a photo of my meal and posted it to Instagram. Some girl was harassing Matthew via text message, so it was awkward. I didn't eat much at all, but that was the plan.

We parted ways and he swore he wouldn't ghost me again. I looked forward to hearing from him but I never did. Naturally I was depressed the rest of the week.

I was doing really well staying no-contact with my ex. He kept trying to "check in" on me. He was asking questions about why I was at a hotel, how was breakfast with Jeff, etc. He naturally assumes I was with Jeff for whatever reason, even though he lives on the opposite side of the country.

He finally went absolutely ballistic, demanding to know when I'd do a pregnancy test in front of him. I caved and responded, telling him it was really up to him, because I understood how he was always "busy." He ranted and raved about how I'm the one who is always busy, talking to other guys, blah blah blah. It was such garbage nonsense, he just projects all his bad behaviors onto me. He needs to get off the drugs and sober up, but I know he never will.

On Friday I hung out with the husband of the girl he cheated on me with. We went out for drinks. 2 drinks in I was extremely drunk, but drove home anyway. I'm not at all attracted to this guy, but he's been so mistreated I thought I could at least keep him company.

Saturday afternoon he took me to lunch. I hate being forced to have food on a "date." We got sushi and I'll admit it was heavenly.

Toward the end, I received a random message from an unknown account. It was a bunch of photos. I assumed it must have been some rando from tinder, sending unsolicited dick pics, but I opened the first one anyway. It was a photo of one of the pages from my journal that Ryan had torn out. So were all the others. "I found these under his couch."

"Who the hell is this??"

It was the girl he cheated on me with. She wanted to meet me for coffee. She said Ryan would be dropping her off at Target to "exchange" kids with her husband. Ahhh, so that's why he had been in town to get lunch with me.

I waited in the Target coffee shop and saw her nervously peek around the corner at me. She came over and sat down, avoiding eye contact. She was all twitchy and making jerky movements, obviously high on meth.

She told me about how Ryan is so paranoid and always trying to start shit, which she wouldn't put up with. I stared at her blankly. Her torso was boxy and square shaped, with twiggy arms and legs sticking out. She had pockmarks all over her face, crooked eyeliner, thinning hair pulled up in a tangled, messy bun. She looked like she hadn't showered in a week. This is the girl that Ryan chose over me. I felt defeated.

"He has narcissistic personality disorder. He ruined me, changed me. I don't even know who I am anymore," I told her.

She went on about how she did love him, he had his issues but he was exciting to be around. She said he made her happy. I knew none of it was true. You don't love someone after knowing them for less than a month. She was just seeing the mask he presents to the world, but I knew it was slipping more and more. He was losing his touch. He kept it in place for at least a year when I was with him.

Then she tried to put on the facade that she was in control, he was just a pet on a leash to her. I saw through it immediately.

"You'll stay with him. You make it seem like you could leave at any moment, but I can see you're weak for him."

She seemed taken aback.

"He's like an addiction," I continued, "he's like a drug."

I told her to stop talking shit about me, she doesn't know me, all she knows is the lies Ryan has told her about me.

"He said you two were already broken up, but that you just kept showing up at his house."

"Yes, I kept showing up at his house, because I was his girlfriend! He'd spam me with messages asking when would I be off work, when was I coming over! He LIES. And so do you."

I got up to leave. She became flustered and tried to stop me.

"I don't need this shit," I muttered, and walked out the door.

I saw Ryan in his car, parked across from mine. Obviously he now knew I had been there, since my bumper sticker is pretty recognizable. His head was turned down, likely furiously texting her. I drove off and leaned on the horn as I passed, but he didn't look up.

Matthew finally contacted me tonight. After the bullshit of this week I was so relieved to hear from him. All I want is to be with him but he's a wreck and won't let me help. I feel like he doesn't care for me at all. He probably doesn't. He was my lifeline, and now that's been cut.

I am so god damn miserable and alone.

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