someundefinedaesthetic
3K posts
literally just pictures that can hold my attention for 0.2 seconds.
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#i really hope i’m wrong but like. the logical side of me is 97% sure he’s going to choose to go#even though the emotional side of me hit this realization (delusion? false sense of security?) that he won’t
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#i really really really really really really really really really really don’t want him to move#at least not so far away#but i can’t tell him that because then in the selfish bitch standing in the way of his dreams and career#and he’ll still choose do to whatever it is he’s going to do but he’ll resent me for saying i want him around#but i can’t imagine life where i can’t talk to him on the phone because he’s halfway across the world#6 hours behind to be exact#and i won’t get to see him in person for two years#like that breaks my fucking heart and i don’t know how to deal with it
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i think about being a parent sometimes
#like how i would like to raise my kids#how id like to teach them to be self-sustaining and to socialize in a healthy way#to respect and appreciate the land and not spend all their time indoors/on the internet#how i’d model emotional regulation and patience#how id handle them as teenagers being dumb and doing stupid shit#what i’d do if they Royally fucked up#how i could show them i can be their parent and a human being at the same time#and weirdly such a big part of me wants a little boy#idk if it’s like. societal pressure/expectation or if i know how hard it is being a woman#but i think about this fictional son of mine a Lot
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uh oh!
#thought i was actually ok last night#in fact better than ok i thought i was stoked with the outcome#but alas it did keep me up ALL night ruminating/spiraling and now i’m crying about it today#which is a little silly because it went well! about as well as i could have hoped!#but now i’m grieving (again) (what else is new)#because even though i kept telling myself it wouldn’t happen it would never happen#part of me always held out hope that i would be the exception for him like he was for me#or that once he knew how much i loved him that he would come to his senses and realize he loves me too#but things don’t work out the way i picture and like. that’s fine. but now im just sad about it#and i’m sad that he’s sad#and i’m feeling very protective/motherly towards him#like i just want to soothe him and take care of him and make it better#obviously i can’t but it breaks my heart that he’s feeling like this and that im partially to blame
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i literally still can’t believe i did that
#and now i’m spiraling#like he handled it so beautifully#and i didn’t feel awkward about it after#like we had a little therapy sesh and then went back to chatting/joking like nothing happened#but now i’m worried he’s going to think that the only reason i want to see/talk to him is bc i like him#and now i want to tell him EVERYTHING but that would be pushing it for him i think#also throws any chance of us kissing ‘just to practice! no feelings attached!’ out the window lmao
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FUCKING INSANE NEWS THAT I NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD SHARE
#i FINALLY told ***** how i feel/felt about him#oh my god??????#my heart was beating SO FUCKING FAST#i cannot believe i actually said it#and he just instantly started crying so of course i felt awful#and he was like ‘i’m so sorry i wish i could reciprocate those feelings i really do’#and i’m like dude you have NOTHING to be sorry for we were just talking about a similar topic and#i couldn’t handle the secret anymore like i needed to get it off my chest#and he was so sad and i was also so sad but at least we got some resolution#he was like ‘at least that makes me feel better about myself’ hahahahhaha#DUDE i’m still shitting tbh
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#i think our dynamic goes more or less like this:#i like talking to him and being around him. he likes talking to me but likes being around people in real life more#so me wanting to talk to him so frequently annoys him and he doesn't hide that very well#which means i get my feelings hurt and don't want to let him know because that just gives him more reason to be annoyed with me#but our frustrations really aren't equal - he's mad because i'm being an inconvenience to him and i'm mad because of how he treats me#and don't get me wrong i would LOVE to be any other way#to be that cool girl that doesn't get upset by her friends having other friends and obligations#to have my own irl friends and obligations and forget about my past#but i am who i have been and i can't be anyone else - how do you remove yourself from every you you've ever been?
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#NO FUCKIN WAY#bc i just talked to him & he’s thinking about asking out this guy named nick#OUCH#but also i’m in SO MUCH TROUBLE#we talked a lot about mixed signals and being in love w friends#and buying a house together and getting married etc#like i’m so in love w this man unfortunately#GOD#why did i talk him into asking out this nick character#when i love him SO MUCH it’s insane
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i’m in trouble lol
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Source: The Art Of Lesbian Lovemaking , by Rose Black and Lilly Glück - Illustrations by Paula
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#had a dream i was the target of this large manhunt#and my mom had manipulated most of the people i know and like into looking for me#even though i definitely didn’t/don’t want to be found by her#and i only had my two best friends and random strangers to rely on not to give me up/help me hide#(and had *** with one of them uh oh) (and not the friend you’d think UH OH)#anyway i can’t recall my heart ever beating so fast and hard when i woke up#feels bad scoob#probably bc this one was something that could feasibly happen oh noooo
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