someventingspace

[someventingspace]

A letter I could never send to you

My dearest [redacted],

I wish I could tell you how I feel about you. I say this not only because there are too many barriers preventing me from doing so but also because I’m not sure how to describe my own feelings. They’re complicated. Messy. But one thing shines through the complications and that is that I love you with my entire heart and beyond.

In my head I’ve experienced our entire relationship. I’ve held your hand, held you in my arms, write my vows to you, planned our wedding. In reality I’ve experienced our platonic relationship, our dynamic, our history, and our undeniable chemistry. We were fated to be together. You’re my soulmate. My other half. And yet we are star-crossed; some force begs to keep us apart by distance and circumstance. To be together, one or both of us would have to sacrifice a huge factor of our individual happiness. For this, I despise the universe.

I want you to know that you’re everything to me. My day is brighter when I get a message from you or we get the chance to call. It changes the trajectory of my week. You’re my favorite person. Everyone sees it; we’re perfect halves of a whole and are so much better together. There is no whole me without you, nor you without me. When people say our names, it’s in a pair.

I wish you had noticed my affection for you. I can’t blame you too much though, I was so scared of potentially losing your friendship that I never pushed the boundaries too much. At best you probably just thought I was being extra clingy because I hadn’t seen you in-person in months. I should’ve been more obvious. I should’ve initiated touch more, but I know that you aren’t a physical touch type of girl so I avoided it. Who knew that that would be such an obvious sign to you?

I’m so so so happy for you for maybe finding someone out there, across the country where I’m not. I’m happy for you because you like him and he probably likes you. You deserve all the happiness in the world and I wish you the best, truly. But if you knew where I was standing, you’d know how hard it is to be on this end of the situation. How hard it is to be the first person you call to explain the situation. To somehow try and give you advice based on my own experiences of having crushes. To hear you say that you’ve always been the one pursuing, never the one being pursued. To be the one that’s been pursing you all this time, then being the one to help you be with someone else.

Don’t get me wrong (see above–SO HAPPY FOR YOU) I’m incredibly grateful to still be close enough to you, even from 2279 miles away, that I still get calls from you about this sort of thing. I’m excited to be your advice giver. I’m excited to be your best friend.

At the end of the day, that’s what remains the most important thing of all. Just having you in my life in general makes it better, even if it’s solely in a platonic way. Our friendship is the foundation of everything we are, and I would never want to jeopardize that. That’s why I never told you any of this. Why I never told you how much I really, truly love you. The risk was far too much. Think about it. You live across the country and it would cost $700+ every time we wanted to see each other in person. If we ever wanted to be together physically in a long-term way either I would have to give up living near my family (something I VERY MUCH do not want to do at all because I love them and love where I live) or you would have you give up the life and career that you love out there. It wouldn’t be fair to either of us. Despite me feeling like hell due to all of this, it wouldn’t be fair for me to share my feelings with you. We couldn’t actually be in a relationship, so all it would accomplish is shifting the discomfort from being mine alone to being ours. Obviously, I don’t want to cause you any pain or discomfort and I definitely don’t want to risk our friendship. Therefore I stay silent. I’ll listen to your new relationship stories. I’ll cheer you on. I’ll give a killer maid-of-honor speech at your wedding one day.

I love you more than words can say, but I need you as my friend even more. Our friendship comes before anything else. If anything is meant to happen, it will, but for now I’ll be realistic.

[someventingspace]

God, you sucked as a boyfriend and human being

But the sex was amazing and baby I miss it like crazy

[someventingspace]

Okay so like I saw my dad for the first time in a year today. It was completely accidental. I was just in Cancun (the restaurant, not the destination) grabbing mom’s chips, when I turn to leave and see him and the step bitch and her kids all standing there waiting to be seated. I literally ran out of there. I don’t THINK either of them realized it was me, or if they did they didn’t realize it until I was already outside. I sprinted to my car (because I didn’t want him to follow me) and my heart was just completely dropped. I got in the car where Jules was and I just sobbed and had a very large panic attack. I sat in the parking lot and tried to calm down, to little avail before I just ended up driving home sobbing. It ruined my entire night. I hate that he can still do this to me even after all this time. I didn’t get a chance to prepare myself for seeing him and that made it infinitely worse. I just still feel nauseous and have an overall sick feeling when I think about it. I think my previous experience with my emotionally abusive dad was trauma. I’ve been scared to call it that, but it’s clear from my physiological response that it definitely was. I hate him.

[someventingspace]

I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again but it is absolutely an example of civilizational inadequacy that only deaf people know ASL

“oh we shouldn’t teach children this language, it will only come in handy if they [checks notes] ever have to talk in a situation where it’s noisy or they need to be quiet”

[someventingspace]

Declaration of Independence-Grievances Against the Ex

Honestly I really hate you and I hate that I ever felt any other way and like it’s been 3 months but I still am in pain and sure I know far better than to ever want you back bc dear god I fucking hate you with every ounce of my being but I still feel a twinge if pain when I see you and remember that I used to love you and used to see myself being with you forever bf thought that was the face I would wake up to when I was old and grey and I’m absolutely disgusted that I ever thought that and that you ever let me and I’m angry that you used me very blatantly. I’m angry you lied to me. I’m angry that I’ll never know how long you were lying. I’m angry that I believed you. The fact that you ended it the way you did is absolutely despicable and I want you to know that that is absolutely unforgivable. I never want to see you again. But I hate that at the same time here’s a part of me that would run back into your arms and kiss you if you gave me the chance. I hate that part of me. That part won’t ever take over, ever. I’ll make sure of it. My hatred is too strong. You hurt me too bad to ever be let back in. So it’ll stay and just make me hurt every once in a while when I’m least expecting it. I know you’re not hurting as bad as I am. In fact you’d have no right to be. I’d be angry if you were. You aren’t allowed to set yourself on fire then complain that you’re hot especially when I’m the one that you drenched in gasoline. I hate that you exist. You had no right to do anything that you did to me. You’re disgusting. There were things that you knew were important to me that you blatantly disregarded. You were selfish. So unbelievably selfish. I can’t even come up with a comparable fictional character to be quite honest. You really liked to pretend you cared about me but looking back it was so very clear that you only cared about yourself and were unwilling to make any measure of sacrifice. I know that you cheated. You cheated. You can deny it all you want but we both know it’s true. With which person I may not be exactly sure but I definitely have it narrowed down to three and honestly I know it could have been any or all of them. I didn’t so much as look at another guy or girl the entire time we apart because I was so stupidly devoted to you. I trusted you and I really wish that for once you had let me be right about something. I wish you hadn’t blamed our issues on my mental health issues—the ones I was actively trying to fix. I stopped going to you with these problems because I really didn’t want to burden you because I knew you were struggling and I literally BEGGED you to come to me with any issues you had because hell if anyone could help it would be me. I’d been through it all. But you never made me feel like I could come to you. I was scared to go to you. I’m disappointed in you for not letting me be involved in trying to fix us. I’m ashamed of you for thinking you could be in charge of all of this yourself and making me feel secure when I asked about the state of our relationship then a day later telling me it was actually crushed to bits. You decided that your decisions were far more powerful than mine. That’s not how relationships work and you’re going to go through so many relationship struggles because of that so good fucking luck dude. I told you I had issues with some things you were doing and you said you’d stop. Then you didn’t. You kept going and made me feel like I’d be a bad girlfriend if I asked you not to. You weren’t you. You were just waiting for a reason to break up. You were just to much of a coward to come up with a problem yourself so you waited for me to bring one to you. You are such a fucking wimp. A loser. A goddamn coward. You’ve spiraled me into constant hate and anger and I hope you know that you are not welcome to see me ever again.

You were never a good boyfriend to me. Through the occasional romantic gesture you managed to give me the illusion that you were but looking back there’s no reason you should have made it even close to the whole 1 year, 2 months, and 14 days you were with me. You treated me horribly. You made me feel worthless. You made me feel like an object. You ignored me. You kept me in a box separate from the rest of your life. Why didn’t I really ever know your friends despite you knowing mine? Why’d you try and keep me so far from the new people you met? Why’d you like a bunch of her Instagram pictures from before you two even met? (By the way though, tell her that her song on Spotify is actually really good. She has a really pretty voice and that song is honestly one of my favorite songs rn. I hate you. I don’t hate her.) Why’d you treat me like an idiot? I’m not as oblivious as I used to be. So you were scared and ran I guess. Some have told me that maybe you left because you were intimidated by the fact that I had accomplished so much more. I really hope that’s not the case because dude that’s so fucking shallow and if it is true get the fuck over it. I guess in that case you were more like my dad than I thought. Congratulations I suppose. Maybe you guys should hang out sometime. I think you’d get along just fine now that I’m seeing this side of you. I’m honestly really sad about some of the connections you caused me to lose because of your horrific choices. Believe it or not I actually grew to really love your family. I cared a ton about your grandparents who were literally the sweetest people I had ever met. And I never get to say goodbye or thank you or say prayers when things get bad for them. I hate that you took that. The last day I saw you? I saw you for about 20 minutes before I spent the rest of the day hanging out with your family where honestly I enjoyed myself more than I had during the rest of that weekend with you. Your parents were not bad at all and your brother is frickin hilarious and your older little sister is honestly really frickin cool and honestly if you hadn’t crushed me I probably would’ve talked to her more after that. But you couldn’t see that now could you?

For these reasons I am hereby declaring myself independent of you. I hope I never have to interact with you again from here on out and honestly I hope that there’s someone out there that can spot your bullshit and keeps you from doing this ever again. I know I deserve far better than you. You were right about that much. You can’t give me what I need. I need someone who will answer my texts and have me as a priority. I need someone who will hug and kiss me in public. Not make out in public, just kiss. You couldn’t do either of those. I need someone willing to work for a relationship. I need someone who won’t run at the first sign of struggle. The next one will involve me in all aspects of their lives. They’ll listen to me. They’ll bring me some fucking flowers once in a while (they don’t even need to be store bought like literally they can just bring me some pretty ones they found growing off a road and I’d be thrilled). They’ll treat me as an equal and encourage my success. They’ll actually be excited when I accomplish things and take interest in the things I do. They’ll be a frickin fantastic S.O. They’ll be the exact opposite of you. I know you’ll probably never see this. Part of me wants you to. Another doesn’t. I never mentioned your name or anything identifying but oh my god if you read this you’ll know it’s you I’m talking about and I hope you enjoy the fact that I’ve moved on and will never EVER take you back. I hate you. But you chose this for yourself. I pray—for the sake of your friends, family, future spouse, and the kids that will one day call you dad—that you’ll change this. I want you to be a the better person that I know you probably can be. There was something there that I used to love. I hope you foster that part of you because the world doesn’t deserve the monster that is your current self. I’m free, bitch. And honestly, even though I’m in pain I’m still somehow happier than I’ve ever been.

[someventingspace]

Even your brown eyes seemed extraordinary to me.

[someventingspace]

“I fell for his lust even though I knew better.”

- B.M.

[someventingspace]

He has no idea that I’m madly in love with him and sick of him all at the same time. I love the thought of him. I love who he was and who he has been to me. But how long will the memory of him be enough to keep me here when he no longer resembles the man I fell for?

[someventingspace]

“You never really know when they’re fake, until you find they’ve got a whole second life without you.”

-truth

[someventingspace]

You fucking asshole

[someventingspace]

This baby fever needs to go away and not come back till I’m married with a stable job and a nice beautiful house.

[someventingspace]

things i do when i feel depressed and that u should try too:

tidying my room

getting in the bath and doing facemasks or just soaking in soapy water

sitting underneath a warm shower contemplating life and telling myself things arent as bad as i think

or getting in a cold shower and coming out feeling refreshed

brushing my teeth even if ive already brushed them

sorting through things; i.e. going through books and deciding what i need and dont need (it clears my minddd)

watering my plants (if u dont have plants try buy some bc they make my room feel more fresh and make me feel a bit happier)

make something and put effort into it; like making iced tea but from scratch which makes me feel proud and makes it tastier :)

listen to music, look for good albums and listen to them whilst u do something

changing my bed sheets even if i already changed them 2 days ago; idk it kinda resets things and all the depressing times lying down on that bed set are erased and u can ��start over’

deleting apps like snapchat, instagram. even if its just for a little while when they’re not there i dont feel so burdened and obligated to check them x

and if you feel like you CANT do any of this, then please, just try. i promise it will make you feel even just a little bit better <3

[someventingspace]

Anxiety:

Because of my anxiety, I take everything personally.

If a friend takes a little too long to answer a text, I start making assumptions. They don’t want to talk to me. I’m annoying them. They’re ignoring me on purpose. They don’t like me. They hate me.

I dread sending the first text because there is a chance of rejection. Knowing that someone saw my message and decided against answering it makes me sick to my stomach. It makes me feel invisible.

Even if I receive an answer after five short minutes, I will still look too far into details. If the text is short or sounds snippy, then I will worry that I am wasting their time, that they are only answering me to be polite. I will fool myself into thinking I shouldn’t have sent the text in the first place.

It doesn’t matter how long I have been friends with someone. I need constant reassurance that I am loved. Otherwise, I will jump to the worst case scenario. I will assume that I have done something to upset them, that they don’t want me around anymore, that the friendship has ended.

My anxiety makes me overanalyze every situation. It doesn’t matter if someone can’t hang out over the weekend because they have to work late. I won’t believe their excuse. I will convince myself that they are lying and they secretly don’t want to see me.

My anxiety makes me feel like the world is against me. I assume that if something bad can happen, it will happen. It’s hard to be optimistic when I have been through so many awkward moments, when I have embarrassed myself time and time again.

I never know what to say in social situations. I am either too quiet or too loud. I don’t know how to behave like a ‘normal’ person. I don’t know how to make myself fit into crowds.

Since it’s so hard for me to hold a conversation with family members I’ve known for years, let alone with strangers in front of me at the supermarket, I assume that everyone hates me. I assume they are all laughing at me behind my back.

That’s why I have so much trouble when it comes to dating. I never flirt back, because I assume that people are just being nice. Even if it’s clear they are interested, I won’t get my hopes up. I will convince myself that it won’t last long. That as soon as they see the real me, they will realize I am not worth having around and will run the other direction.

My anxiety makes me doubt my self-worth, which leads to doubting everyone around me. When someone compliments me, I don’t believe them. When someone tells me they love me, I don’t believe them. I can’t see how it could be true. I can’t see why they would want anything to do with someone like me.

Because of my anxiety, I struggle to see my value. I only see a million flaws.

When i’m on the wonderful world of tumblr I can be myself, but still I’m not always myself as I’m so scared and have trust issues. I have many wonderful roleplay partners and friends such as @dannywilliams5-0 @ltcatherinemcgarrettrollinsrp @badasssoftiemcgarrett @badgeinparadise @cherryblossomsm @fandomoniumflurry to name a few.

These friends I love dearly but I’m always scared I’ll ruin the roleplay or make them mad. I end up panicking and wonder if it’s best if I quit the rps.

I’m having a bad night tonight and I’m wanting to break down and cry. But I can’t because I cry to much already.

I love my friends on here and I’m sorry if I’m ever annoying or you guys do hate me. You all have the option to leave, I’ll understand

[someventingspace]

someone: how do you cope with your mental illness?

me:

me: well first i don't

[someventingspace]

[someventingspace]

me: *about to cry*

friend: are u ok?

me: of course i am!!!! im 100% fine wow how about you?? if you need anyone to talk to, im here for you!!!

[someventingspace]

Insecurities

I hate when people look at me. It makes me feel so uncomfortable because I always assume they’re criticising my body in their heads