somewheretoputmy-daydreams

[somewheretoputmy-daydreams]

“why are you not telling them?”

I can see why you asked that. I’ve tried to conceal how deep the racism runs in my family. Because if I want you to be a part of my family, I want you to be excited to meet them. I don’t want you to be scared, or angry, or hold a grudge. I don’t want you to feel awkward. So I don’t tell you everything I know about them, or everything I've heard them say, or the way I know they feel. 

The other day, a girl I went to college with had a baby and posted the pics on instagram. She was white, but the baby’s dad is black, but the baby’s skin just looks white. I said “this girl I know just had a mixed baby, but look how white she looks” Before I even got to the second part of that sentence, my mom went “euuh” in disgust. I said “no, come look, the baby looks totally white” (I didn’t mean anything by this btw, I was just pointing it out) and she came over and said “no, look at her nose, that’s totally a black person nose”

I was boiling with anger at that. If I had shown her a picture of a black baby with two black parents, she wouldn’t have acted disgusted. It’s the fact that it was an interracial couple. 

Also, one day we were talking about the movie Hairspray. It’s set in the 50′s and all about racism. When Sarah mentioned the scene where the mom is praying as she watches her daughter kiss a black boy on the tv,  my mom goes “OH I bet she was!!!!” 

It’s like they see it as wrong and bad? I can’t understand it, it just must be what they grew up believing. Because if I'm being completely honest with you, when I was growing up I thought interracial dating was wrong, only because it’s how I heard my parents talk about it. 

And then there’s my dad, who has to use the N word a few times a week. He’s quick to say “there’s a difference between a black person and a N--” as if to justify it. 

I used to just roll my eyes at their comments because I honestly never imagined I’d fall in love with a black guy. I’m sorry if that’s wrong to say that -- it’s honestly just because I grew up with hardly any black friends. There were only two black people in my grade at prep and I wasn’t close to any in college. It wasn’t intentional, it just happened that way. I had just never considered black guys as an option when dating. But there weren’t any around me for me to consider, so maybe that’s why? If I sound like a racist right now I'm so sorry I'm just trying to be honest. I actually have this memory that I think about all the time when I realize how far we’ve come, but I never told you about it bc I was scared that it sounds racist. Anyways, literally either the first or second day I met you, I distinctly remember thinking to myself “if I was ever going to kiss a black guy, it’d be him” ...and that was the first time I pictured kissing you, but then I caught myself and shook the thought from my mind. Buuuut... that image of me and you would come back every now and then. 

I always feel really weird talking about race with you because I don’t know what I'm “allowed” or “supposed” to say. What I grew up hearing and how I feel about you are so different. I just want you to know that I'm trying to be honest with you about things that are so difficult and confusing for me to talk about, only because I am trying to love you the best that I can. If I say the wrong thing, you can tell me. I hope you can help me grow so that everyone in my family and friends will grow, too. 

[somewheretoputmy-daydreams]

sometimes my mind wanders to topics so important that I force myself not to think about it. I’m scared if I dwell on it so much I'll come to a conclusion I don’t like. Or, that it will bug me enough that I know I'll have to talk to you about it, and if we can’t agree then I can’t see us going forward from there.

so what are some of these topics?

the biggest one right now is sex. I feel like that’s always a problematic topic for us. and it’s so hard to discuss because I am so NOT judgmental at all towards people that have had sex, but I feel like it comes across that way. and the last thing I want is to say something that unintentionally crosses a line and makes you believe I think you are “wrong.” I don’t.

that being said, having sex feels wrong to me right now. I’m scared to do it again. I felt so wrong that night and it reminded me of all the years I planned to wait for marriage. It sounds so cliche but it really is how God designed sex. I was taught that from a young age that it’s engrained in me that I will probably not be able to enjoy it outside of marriage. Physically, the first few minutes with you were incredible. It was everything I had been craving and you were amazing. But as soon as I realized what I was doing it completely killed the mood. and ever since then, every time I think about us having sex I get that same feeling. At first I'm dreaming or thinking about how bad I want you and then it quickly turns into a dirty, guilty feeling. 

but saying that to you makes me feel guilty, too. because I don’t want to make you feel guilty about your past. but I feel like I need you to do more than just be okay with waiting. I feel like you need to want to wait, too. because the whole reason I am waiting is because of what I believe sex stands for, but will it all be for nothing if I end up having sex with someone that does not share those beliefs? 

I don't know if it’s fair to ask that of you. I just think I would be lying to myself to keep acting like I don’t care about waiting for marriage when that’s always been my plan until I met you. 

[somewheretoputmy-daydreams]

he was the perfect Friday night bar

a drink and a slow dance

a kiss in my car

but come Sunday morning

it’s breaking my heart

these next 6 days are the loneliest part

I stick around to prove I'm enough

patiently waiting

to earn his love

but I got done waiting

I'm through acting tough

a wonderful waste of eleven full months

[somewheretoputmy-daydreams]

It’s so hard to trust myself when it comes to love. I have no problem loving. It is so easy for me to love. I have loved, deeply, fully, unconditionally, and never been given an ounce of genuine love in return. I have been fooled, played, my emotions victim to stretching and molding to someone else’s needs. They will realize that they love me. When they wake up and see how loving I have been, they will be overcome with love for me. I convinced myself that if I just kept loving it would eventually be given back to me. I fought for it. I begged for it. Not verbally, but just by sticking around waiting for it. By sacrificing pieces of myself to lift them higher. That's what love IS, I thought. Love is sacrifice! Does the Bible not teach that? Love is patience! Does the Bible not teach that? Love never gives up! Love never loses hope! Love never quits! If I love how the Bible says I should love, I will receive it in return. Time and time again that was proven to be faulty logic. I was loving the wrong people. I was praying for the wrong people. God has removed them from my life and from my heart. Now I know that they were never meant for me and I can accept that. But it doesn’t change the fact that I loved, I prayed, I longed, I GAVE so much. I poured out so much and nothing was ever poured back into me. That trained me to believe that love is uncertain. Love is temporary. Love is unreciprocated. Love is artificial. 

You are the first person to pour into me. And I am struggling to trust it. Do I love you, or was I just so in need of replenishment that I can’t turn you away? Am I welcoming your love to restore me? Am I so intoxicated by the thrill of being loved that I only pretend to love you in return? Am I abusing your love the same way my love was abused? It’s so hard to trust myself. 

[somewheretoputmy-daydreams]

I’m sitting at my parents kitchen table, facing the window. It’s April. Rain is pouring down. The gray of the sky contrasts the green trees; the gray of the pond contrasts the green grass. Gray, green, gray, green. My view is horizontal stripes of these colors, blurred by the vertical downpour. If my view were a painting, the colors would be bleeding. The raindrops get heavier but the stripes do not smudge. Lightening cracks in the sky but it leaves no permanent change to the canvas. Water is collecting on the patio now, each drop a collision of like substance, making a splash on impact. 

I’m sitting at my parents kitchen table, forcing myself to write. Words used to flow so freely. My emotions collected in my fingertips until I allowed them to pour out -- and they would pour. Feelings would get heavier and fall out faster as my fingers raced to keep up with what my chest was so eager to be rid of. When I was done, I expected to feel peace about whatever emotions had precipitated onto my page. I expected to see the gray turn to blue. I expected to see a rainbow instead of lightning, but there was never any permanent change to the canvas. 

I’m sitting at my parents kitchen table, the rain is just a drizzle now. The birds have returned to singing. Or perhaps they never stopped, but I could not hear them over the downpour. There is a baseball in the yard that I could not see before. A bright white spot, dawning a curved red stitch, that seems so prominent now in the broad stripe of green. I guess the rain blurred more than I realized. I guess the rain distracted me from seeing what details polluted the gray and green stripes. 

I’m sitting at my parents kitchen table, wondering why I haven’t written about you, yet. Shouldn’t I be writing about you? The first person I have ever claimed to love. “Claimed” being the key term here. Maybe it should be “proclaimed.” I believe that I have loved before, but never experienced it in return, not romantically. The evidence is found in everything I have ever written. Documents of my confusion, frustration, hurt, and foolish hope. Categories that you do not fall into. 

I’m sitting at my parents kitchen table, watching the sun fight to return. The warm spring breeze rearranges the clouds, illuminating the stripes. The fresh water reflects the light, giving brightness and attention to all of the details previously blurred. Shadows emerge west of the trees, and twinkling ripples have replaced the raindrops in giving movement to the pond. My dogs have returned to the yard after spending the morning confined to their dry kennels. One of the dogs chases a squirrel up a tree. The wind invites the tree-tops to dance; the branches sway their green into the white clouds. If my view were a painting, the colors would be bleeding. 

I’m sitting at my parents kitchen table, realizing that you are the sun. It is easy to write when it is raining. When there is nothing to do but reflect on what brews internally, hence adding pressure to a boil, and the result is releasing steam to avoid getting burned. But when it is pleasant outside, I am occupied by gathering the gorgeous details. The gray has turned to blue. The storm has succumbed to peace. My mind is at peace. My heart is content. With no precipitation flowing from my fingertips, how will I write? Perhaps the warm spring breeze will rearrange the clouds, revealing the details that I have not given attention to. Comfort, happiness, love and certainty. Categories that you are responsible for illuminating.

[somewheretoputmy-daydreams]

there are these other boys. and I do not like them. I don’t even give them the time of day. but I feel guilty doing that because I can’t even tell them why? I know that we aren’t “involved” but it’s just not in my nature to even entertain the thought of more than one guy at a time. 

when we were just hooking up it was different. because if a good guy expressed interest in me I had no problem with walking away from you as a hook up buddy to give the other guy a chance at something potentially legit. but nothing ever came from those attempts so I was fine with returning to you as fwb once again. 

but now it’s different... and it may not be different to most people. I know a lot of people that actually encourage keeping your options open but I simply cannot fathom it. I haven’t been able to even have a conversation with these other guys that have expressed interest in me. like I haven’t given them a chance at all. so I know I am coming off as a horrible person because I can’t say it’s bc I'm involved with someone bc I'm really not. and I'm not trying to coerce you into anything right now. I don’t want you to do or say anything you aren't ready for or comfortable with or especially something you don’t mean.

I just want you to know that right now you’re the only one that’s got my attention. But unlike the others you aren’t really fighting for it. and again I'm not trying to get you to do anything or change anything or whatever. I'm really not even looking for anything right now/trying to be involved with someone so I'm perfectly content turning down outside pursuers and I'm definitely not pressuring you. 

I just feel like you hide a lot from me. you go dark. and these other boys are trying to talk to me and I look at my phone and just wish it was you. 

but I could never tell you any of that.

so for now I'll keep ignoring them. and you’ll keep ignoring me.

and then you’ll come back full blast and sweep me off my feet again.

and I'll think to myself finally. 

until you go dark again.

[somewheretoputmy-daydreams]

It’s funny I think that in our heads we act like we know each other because we technically have for so long

but in reality I don’t think we know each other that well at all 

while I know you are the same person at your core, you have also grown a lot and now have qualities that make your personality much broader

I think I have only seen a fraction of your depth. You have many more layers to you. I know that because I think we both keep a lot below the surface.

I just wanted to say I’m glad that I get to know this version of you, too.

[somewheretoputmy-daydreams]

i love the way your cock is too big for my mouth

it would fill me up so tight

i want your cock to be mine

no one else can taste it

no one else can let you get it wet

no one else can make you cum

it’s just for me

[somewheretoputmy-daydreams]

I could come by your office one day

and I would shut the door behind me

you would sit in your chair, with your legs spread apart, welcoming me between them

I would stand over you while you looked up at me, unbuttoning my own shirt and letting it drop to the floor behind me

and I would lean forward until my hands could reach your thighs

slowly moving them across your pants towards your waist

and as my hands traveled upwards, my face would get closer to yours

our lips just inches away from one another by the time my hands find your belt

I look you in the eyes while undoing your belt buckle

and once it’s loose I let one hand move back down over your zipper

I look into your eyes again as I feel your cock getting hard under my hand

you lose your patience with me and finally lean forward just enough for our mouths to meet

your lips are firm as you press them into mine

and you reach forward to grab my waist and pull me onto your lap

my fingers find your hair as the heat from your tongue enters my mouth

your hands guide my hips to move against you slowly so I can feel your bulge underneath me

fuck, the way you’re holding me turns me on so much 

I pull away from your kiss so I can take your shirt off

you unclasp my bra and consume one of my tits in your mouth

your lips are so hot against my skin and your tongue caressing my nipple sends a moan out of my mouth 

you quickly move your mouth back to mine to make me be quiet

but by now my mouth is watering for something else

I slowly slide off of you and onto my knees in front of you

I look up at you as I pull your pants down from your waist

but I break eye contact once your hard cock is in front of me

you’re sexy as fuck and I want to make you cum so bad

I take your dick into both hands and lean over you so I can spit on the head

I rub my hands all the way down your length and back up before taking you into my mouth

my lips are wrapped tightly around you while my tongue moves firmly from side to side

I take you into the back of my throat as you grab a fist full of my hair, giving you full control of my movements

you hold my head still while you thrust your cock even deeper into my throat

you’re gagging me but I like it

spit drips down onto your balls and I use one hand to rub it around

you release your grip on me and I come up for air

but before I can go back down you stand up, instructing me to do the same

you unzip my pants and pull them to the floor quickly before grabbing my hips and turning me to face away from you

you wrap one arm around my waist and take a step forward, pushing my thighs into the ledge of your desk

you press yourself against me while you hold me in one arm and use your other hand to grab one of my boobs

I lean my head back against your shoulder, and you press your lips into the exposed part of my neck

you move one of your hands down the front of my body until your fingertips reach my throbbing clit

you soak your fingers in me and rub me while continuing to kiss my neck and jawline

Fuck...

then all of a sudden you stop

you use one hand to hold my hips against you and the other to push my back forward until I am bent over your desk

my pussy is aching for what you’re about to do 

you slowly slide your cock between the lips of my wet pussy until the head reaches my clit

I reach below me with one hand to hold your dick against me as you begin to thrust back and forth

your hands grip my hips so tightly as you rub against me

I slowly rock them against you and synchronize our movements 

I use my free hand to reach around and grab the back of your leg, attempting to pull you even closer against me

you feel so fucking good

you lean over me more and start moving faster

I know we have to be quiet but I wish I could moan and scream your name 

my legs begin to shake beneath me but you don’t stop

my back arches and I start to squirm as I get close

you hold me down and keep me still while you continue to thrust against me

faster

and harder

I turn my head to watch you and I cum while your cock is rubbing against me

I can’t help but moan

yes...

you pull your cock out from under me and let it drip cum on my back while I'm still bent over in front of you

then you let it rest on my ass while we both catch our breath

[somewheretoputmy-daydreams]

I was just thinking about the way it feels when your cock is throbbing in my mouth

And when you have a fist full of my hair, your grip tightens and pulls it just right whenever I go all the way down on you

I can feel you stop breathing whenever I look into your eyes as my tongue drags against you

It gives me chills to hear you say my name

it makes me want to suck you harder

until your muscles jump and your breath shakes

just for you to stop me

just for you to grab me and turn me over underneath you

and you look me in the eyes again while you put my legs over your shoulders

I'm the one that stops breathing this time

because I can see in your eyes how badly you want it

how badly you want to get it wet

so you get it wet

but not as much as you really want to 

so you rub yourself against my throbbing pussy 

making me ache for you

making me gasp and squirm because that’s how bad my body wants to feel you

it feels like I'm burning up from the inside out and my body doesn’t know how to contain the flames that are growing inside of me

somehow saying your name is the only thing that brings relief

...

Yes

and suddenly the fire engulfs me

my blood stops circulating

my lungs stop inhaling

my eyes stop seeing 

but my lips are good to go

as long as they’re going back to yours

and your tongue finds mine, but not for long

because my tongue is eager to get back to pleasing you

I have to hold my hands to hold you up because of how big you are

but I'm excited to have you in my mouth again

your dick is still wet from being against my pussy, making it easier to take you all the way in

I feel you push against my throat and I let you gag me

fuck

you don’t know what it does to me when I gag on you

I pull my lips in tighter as I go back up and wrap by tongue around your cock

I'm ready to taste you now

my cheeks are caving in 

my tongue is pressed tight against you

I can’t even breathe and I'm still trying to move faster

I want to make you cum 

my hand works with my mouth until I feel your thigh twitch 

you’re about to cum for me

I keep going until your cock throbs for the last time and fills my mouth with your cum 

finally

now we can both breathe again

[somewheretoputmy-daydreams]

have you ever heard of being scared of a person

because you know that losing them would hurt worse than

being alone forever, it’s not fair, being too afraid of pain to feel pleasure

you know it’s because you’re perfect

I can’t imagine

that there’s a better match made in heaven

but that’s not where we live now

this is a small town

and we’re going different directions to find our way out

so damn our crazy dreams and ambitions

forever wishing that the timing was different

you deserve someone that’s not afraid

to fall deeper for you everyday

so maybe I will see you on the other side

when there exists no such thing as time

and our souls will be settled and content

once we’ve reached all our daring limits

so this may be my last night in your bed

but I'll love you how I want to when we’re dead

[somewheretoputmy-daydreams]

tonight I sit in bed next to you

while you read your book

and I watch the news

you turn off the light

next to the bed

I tell you goodnight

you kiss my forehead

and as harmless as this story might seem

it’s not actually a real nighttime routine

it’s the broken part of my brain that wishes you loved me

so I lie to myself to numb the pain

and try to get some sleep

[somewheretoputmy-daydreams]

I'm tired of pretending that I don’t wanna sleep while you hold me

I'm tired of pretending that I don’t check my phone, that’s why I take so long, and I know if I'm too quick to respond, you’ll be the one that I'm waiting on

I'm tired of pretending that I don’t think of you when I'm dreaming, that I don’t think of you when I'm laughing, and singing, and working and breathing

I'm tired, baby I'm tired, of telling myself that I'm ready to walk away. Then you swoop back in and give me false hope of someday

and maybe it’d be easier if you weren’t so good. I curse myself for seeing your potential. I wish I didn’t think you were so special.

I'm tired of pretending that I don’t fall for boys that are temporary

[somewheretoputmy-daydreams]

The ink in my pen must be heartless

how dare it be such a painful hue

now my favorite color is haunted

it stains every memory of you

3 am in my old apartment

you came in to escape the cold

I noticed the color of your fingertips

when you said that they were numb

the all nighter we pulled in college

we were having too much fun

you asked me if I had found solace

I said I think I am too young

I remember the lights in your bedroom

made your eyes glow, I was glued

now my favorite color is haunted 

it stains every memory of you

you were everything I wanted

but you were over me by June

try to move on but it’s pointless

I even see you in the new

can’t look back, can’t look forward

because everything is blue

the dress I wore to that summer wedding

you couldn’t take your eyes off of me

curse the open bar that fueled your honesty

curse my little heart for being too naive

told me you were sorry you hadn’t seen me lately

at the afterparty “you’re so pretty” on repeat

now my favorite color is haunted

it stains every memory of you

the way your voice sounded so honest

but your intentions were never true

try to move on but it’s pointless

I even see you in the new

can’t look back, can’t look forward

because everything is blue

[somewheretoputmy-daydreams]

She is the most selfless, loving girl you will ever meet. It may not be the first thing you notice about her, because she’s armored herself with a tough exterior. But the longer she knows you, the deeper she will love you, and the more she will sacrifice herself for your happiness. That is incredibly rare, don’t you agree? Now why would you ever want to exploit a person’s kindness if you have no intention of valuing it? If you are capable of accepting her love without expressing appreciation, much less loving her back, then you are nothing but a parasite. 

While you may monopolize her energy and use it to meet your own selfish needs, her spirit will not be siphoned by you for long. Her heart is strong and her head stronger, she will recover from whatever havoc you wreak. You are not something that she will survive, you are something that she will defeat. She will never use evil means to do so, no, she is too pure for that. All it will take is for her to realize her worth, and she will become so powerful that you leaches will be too weak to draw from her superior vitality. 

She is the most selfless, loving girl you will ever meet. And even though there have been several attempts to deplete her radiance, she will not let her light be dimmed by her perpetrators. 

[somewheretoputmy-daydreams]

I never knew you’d be important

I thought you would be just a phase

but now you’re the only boy that

keeps appearing in my dreams

I wake up in the morning

my eyes search for your face

but my waking thoughts are sordid

you’re only here when I'm asleep

close my eyes

there you are

my head on your chest

oh my god 

why are you

so hard to forget

it’s my fault 

cause I said

I want to be friends

now here I am 

all alone

drowning in regret 

I haven’t seen you in a month now

I'm still writing songs about you

my heart is ready to move on now

but my dreams they don’t want to 

close my eyes

there you are

my head on your chest

oh my god

why are you

so hard to forget

couldn’t let it start

cause I knew

it would have to end

now here I am

on the phone

cause I dont wanna forget you yet

how could I waste all of those late nights

trying to keep my distance

feeding you my insecure lies

about my fear of commitment

now you’re leaving Mississippi

moving on to better things

and I dont know if you will miss me

but I'll keep you in my dreams

close my eyes

there you are

my head on your chest

oh my god

why are you

so hard to forget

it’s my fault

cause I said

I want to be friends

now here I am

trying to 

tie up our loose ends

close my eyes

there you are

my head on your chest

oh my god

why are you

so hard to forget

it’s my fault

cause I said

I want to be friends

now here I am

all alone

drowning in regret

[somewheretoputmy-daydreams]

It comes naturally for you to live a big life

you’re everybody’s favorite guy

but when you leave

you’re too exhausted to even breathe

but sleep won’t let you escape your mind

so you fill your time

keeping busy with little white lies

that make a mask to cover the pain in your eyes

I just wish I would have joined you

been your accomplice, how I wanted to

instead I am your victim

bleeding out my body wishes

I could hear your whispers again

feel your hands against my skin

but every time you almost get close

I feel you retreat to your sorrows

you’re so afraid the world will see

the solemn words that you sing

are all about the demons you fight to hide

darling I wish you could see me solving all your crimes