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lots of blue pages lately 

I post my work on instagram: @mercurialmilk 

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Am i ok or am i just a mess at this point. Have we really hit a toxic point or well should i say breakin point bc i cant i cant even begin to deal with them. Its so hard for me to manage the lies and ik i shouldnt lie but i dug myself into the hole. And its a deep one im gon a have to bury myself truthfully. I dont want to accept defeat but its somethin that imma have to do. I dont want to but i dont have a choice ik i will miss him so mich but ill habe to get over the hesrtbrokeness i feel. But its true im the toxic person and i shouldnt be doing this to someone i love. And ive tried so hard to let go and to move on but it hurts to leave it hurts to go and move on bc i dont want to move on without him. I want to have his kids and move in with him and start to build a lofe with him. Thats how i feel about things thats what i want to do but i dont know how to get there how to bring myself there and move myself independently and it fucking sucks so much to be trapped jn this mess. It makes me sad that i cant bring myself to where i want to be. Im afraid imma push him away and thats definitely not one of the things i wanta do. I just wish i could love the life i want to live but im so controlled. Im stuck in these pre selected options which are just leavong me there stuck.

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“Do you ever wonder whether people would like you more or less if they could see inside you?”

— John Green, An Abundance of Katherines (via books-n-quotes)

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aristotle & dante quotes i wrote down to remember

to be careful with people and with words was a rare and beautiful thing

i got to thinking that poems were like people

i bet you could sometimes find all the mysteries of the universe in someone’s hand

and it seems to me that dante’s face was a map of the world. a world without any darkness

“i love swimming” “i know” “i love swimming—and you, ari. those are the things i love the most”

i wanted to tell them that i never knew that people like dante existed in the world, people who looked at the stars, and knew the mysteries of water, and knew enough to know that birds belonged to the heavens

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“I truly respect the people who stay strong even when they have every right to break down.”

— (via love-diaries)

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Im thinking of my life and al lthe thigs ive pretended to do and all the things that i actually have done and im all over the place making myself something im not

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Running into a stranger

She stood there, no emotion behind her eyes, facing him with all that she is. All that she had become. He waited for something, a grimace, perhaps a tear, or maybe even a smile. But she just stood there with a blank look on her face as he stared at her in disbelief. There was no ounce of love nor hatered in her features. And it was at that moment that he’d finally realised, he had completely lost her.

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Arturo ....

I often wonder how dofferent life would be if arturo was still here. If he had not killed himself what 4 years ago now. How different we would all be. Vinny wouldnt be so fucked up to me michael wouldnt of been in my life and i think that were all just different. Since that day the dynamic changed but i wonder what it would of been like if he was still here. I feel like theres a chance that we would be different. Getting to go to france would be one of the things thst i wpuld be exicted to tell him and i cant bc hes not here. I think thats whats bringing this up. I miss his goofyness and his ability to always know when somethin was up. Its not like that anymore though and these past couple of years wouldnt of been how they were if he was still here. Granted they would of been different but they may not have been any better. But i guess everything happens for a reason and if a contributing factor to that. Sometimes i think things would of beens o diffdrent if he was here bc i did have that major crush on him but then i think about how he never even saw me like that bc he couldnt. He woudlnt be proud of the person i am today. And sometimes that annoys me bc if only we had the chance to have a little more time with eachother shit may of been dofferent. But its not and hes not here anymore. He was never mine but i just wanted the attention. But highschool me just wanted to have someone like her as much as she liked the other person. She liked the attention and she still does but wont bother with it. I feel like i wouldnt of had some of the things happen if he was hear to listen to me. And he would of probably told me to do things better with cody and just literally in general experience things better. Its weird bc im almost at the age he took his life. I think we all think about taking our lifes at some point like thinking about who would ypu effect if you just dissapeared from this demintion. Ik that i have mom who couldnt live in a world about me and buba. I rhink thats the hardest part to not be selfish and think about all the people that would be affected without in there life. The people closest to you. The people that wont see u everyday. Its weird bc when i think about deadman i dont feel that way. Im so far removed from a relationship with him that it wasnt sad pi turing a life without him bc he wasnt there for so long before him dying. I think that dyin is a strange thing seeing someones body lifeless. Its times like this where arturo pops up on my mind makin be think of when or how things would be if he was still here. How nice it would be to give him a hug and tell him look how mich ive grown. Would be such a strange concept? If i saw his ghost i wouldnt know what to do i would just stare and think of all the times i kinda wished he was there. Its all the little things of having someone in the background that i miss truthfully. At the end of the day i didnt know him as much as i wanted to and i should of never lied about it. But i was 14 and crushing hard.

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Im learning how to talk to people and socialize. Like i met people that i can have pretty decent convos with and like i met this guy justin and he seemed very chill and we were all talking to eachother about shit and life and how we were depressed and shit. And it makes me feel bad bc i feel like were all sad and everyone gets depressed which is a weird situation that i feel like im in my own thing. I got his number and he vived with me and i think im proud of myself that i made friends. Im proud of myself for socializing with people even though i was writing a lot of homework as well.

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Honestly its a bit interesting for me to see everything from the other perspctives. I kinnda feel like im starting to feel the pressure in life to do what i needd to do to satify people while also satisfying myself. I think we realzie that the life we want for ourselves is not the life we get and as much as i wish it was the life i wanted it will never be. Im at such a pivotial state in my life that wothin the next year i will be changing and building a career ontop of another career for myself. And i then have to let everyone else go to then focus on me and to then focusbon myself and what i need to do to get myself in order from least to worse. Like after i finish writing this imma finish my accounting hw and then maybe start to write my message of intent but truthfully im currently involving myself in the debate of gettin rid of michael and he will need to deal with. I cant have jim and that constant energy of me being with him for ever. At the end of the day i neee someone who is attractive and someone thats not a drinker. I think when it comes down to having what you want and what u desire we have to find the right balamce inbetween whats right and whats wrong. I know that i am wrong bc ik that whatever i do i will always choose the choice that is beneficial instead of the one that makes me feel better. I think when having yourself built up so much you dont tend to realize just how far youve come. And now i really feel like im coming far removing myself from all of the bad ad a lot of my oast to then make it feel like im here doing what needs to be done. I have this immense pressure to be who i need to be while also keeping up everything that i need to do to be this great person that for some reason everyone loves. And theres always this pressure to be the best perskn in the room becasue of the fact that everyone thinks of me so highly. Everyone thinks im so great where in reality i dont think im that great i dont im special at all and if i can just get myself to either see what everyone else sees or to some how people the person that everyone wants me to be is impossible. And so when it comes to michael i love him because of the attention. But i dont love his personality and his choice of habits. I like the attention he gives and i often mistake it for quote on quote love. But the thing is if it was love i wouldnt be able to look at other people and be like yea sure. Im single 100% whether i want to be or not andwhen the truth comes out im most likely always going to be single bc im too hot for the ugly people and too different to fit in the with the pretty people.

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Idk where ill be in septemebr. Idk where ill be in a coulle months truethfully. I think wenforget the fact that we are cinstantly eveolving and that after this eveolvement we can only become who we think we need to be. I should be better but im not and im always kinda working on it. And like tomorrow imma be here and do all thenthings i need to do bc i cant control hownlife happens. No one can control what happenes we can only attempt to make it work. Like now i got my resume down and just make shit work. I did something very naughty on friday i was basically called over for a booty call some anything with james aint happening. And so my naughty thing was that i gave him and Michael bjs. Which was weird doing both people on the same day.

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Were back again bc idk how to remember to bring a book with me to actually write in so here i am typing up again what im always too afraid to say in real life. I find we are all full of are own messes and at the point idk how im suppose to make myself realoze that theres no other way then to continuously fuck myself over again and again. And ive missed the train bc of the ability of thinking that i have when on the train it allows to think of all the possibilities of what ive been doing. And its stressful to think about that about all the actions that i wanted that have been ridiculed for every tiny little action. And thats thaf part that i cant stand bc im nothing but q mess that everything thinks is ol. Im not ok im really debating on just droppong all my friends and really becoming the loner that i wanted too be and its just ridiclous to even think about it realistically. I was looking up flights to germany and londhon bc irieland has just been a bist thats to sorcha being a botch. She reallg doesnt deserve my friendship bit im being nice. As usual its just annoying to think about in reality that ik a good friend to these people amd everyone sucks bc eceryone thinks im the botch. Its not that im the bitch but its that im not reslly in the mood to deal with all of them all of that its just ridiclous to even think that any of this will be ok. Bc nothings ok and im lowkey looking for an escape to realize i want a rwason to be motovated again and woth 4 weels left i jave nothing better to do then really get myself moticated and productive during the rest of the semester to really finish off strong. When coming off to the realistic part of this im kinda just waiting to fond out how imma make myself up and how imma take everything ik and turn it into a realistic part of a career.

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I think we all thinks about people that if we done things differently with how shit of wound up. Just acted differently towards and behaved differently in certain situations. I know that everything happens for a reason but there’s somethings we wish did happen just not at the right time. Like now I’m thinking of Cody someone I could of had a real nice first relationship with but was too afraid too. It’s funny how the things you want to do no’s are things that you never thought of before.

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Well I’m off to England never thought that was happening ahh

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You know there comes a time when you stop arguing and fighting with your parents anymore because you realise that they will not change, they had 40-50 years to do it and they haven’t .You don’t have to lose peace over it, it’s time to start accepting and learning to choose the things that will help you and ones that won’t. This isn’t to say that they don’t love us more or less, this is just the way things are. Being angry at our parents just sets us back, and as we grow up, the earlier we realise this, the quicker we will be able to move on. As we accept people will faults, let us accept that are parents have faults too and we love them just the same. We will grow into less bitter people and with much more peace.

-gazergirl

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