sophont-guide

[sophont-guide]

The Xenrani

Smell is very common among species. This is often regarded as a common statement, that many would agree to. Scent allows for the communication of danger, arousal, or just knowing if you stepped in something unpleasant.

Unless, of course, you're one of many sophonts who do not possess the ability to smell, such as various crystalids or particularly intelligent shades of blue. In which case, the statement remains true outside of those species.

This brings us to the xenrani: a species that particularly enjoy the frequency of olfactory capabilities of most of the galaxy's inhabitants. Originating from outside our cozy little galaxy, the xenrani have a much older presence within the Affini Compact and are spread far and wide as our planty overlords benevolent caretakers spread through our galaxy.

Boasting impressive height, strength and bite force relative to many squishy and fragile hitchhikers, one of the first things any wayward traveler will notice is the absolute odor of the xenra coming to their aid or assistance. Whereas the affini have [REDACTED], the Xenrani have a partiucarly curious set of preputial glands that make interacting with them into a unique experience.

For reasons that remain unexplained to the minds of many inquisitive researchers, being around a xenra, especially in the vicinity of their musk, causes the non-xenra to begin to reciprocate the emotions of the xenra they are interacting with. Happiness, anger, arousal; all emotions are transferrable to other sophonts in the immediate vicinity. This olfactory offense also adjusts the temperament of their intended target so as to make them far more malleable and impressionable to whatever intentions that particular fox has in mind.

One thing to remain aware of is the frequent overlap of hunger and arousal within the xenrani. So, if a xenrani is trying to seduce you, making flirtatious passes and making sure you see its bulging genetalia? Be aware that you are equally likely to be impaled on a large canid knot as you are to have an appendage or two missing while your guts are filled with smelly fox seed.

As the old adage goes: "Once you're tied, kiss your digits goodbye."

[sophont-guide]

Digitization?? What's that all about?

So long as sophonts have posessed computers, they have wondered "How could I possibly make this more accessible to my barely developed brain that struggles with object permanence?"

For some species, this has led to the further streamlining and immersion of technology, such as the way the humans of the former Terran Accord integrated technology into their society to the point where it became manadatory for basic necessities, such as employment, shopping, and seeking a romantic partner.

Others found more innovative approaches to the understanding of the machine. The people of Betelgeuse III developed ways to split one's brain to allegedly possess better processing power. Others, such as the stuck up busybodies of the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation found ways to streamline everything by making machinery do all the work for you, even if they aren't very good at anything beyond infuriating you with their shortcomings and refusals to actually assist you.

So, it is thus baffling when the Affini Compact entered the galactic stage and debut a different approach to the use of technology and its relationship to the organics of our beautiful and cute galaxy.

The digital floret, for only florets can receive this manner of treatment, is one of the final clinching achievements of any given domestication campaign. By the time the Affini Compact begins the digitization process on florets, the species' neuropathings and mental roadmaps have been been laid out much like finally understanding your local road layouts after years of trying to navigate with your ever so helpful Sirius Cybernetics GPS that routinely thinks you're on the wrong planet.

Most of the process is classified and "not for sweet little things to know", however the Guide has received very special information from reliable sources regarding the digitalization of sophonts. The most common method involves the scanning of a brain, and the recompiling of that brain scan into a code based replicate. While this sounds like nothing for anyone with a basic high risk/lethal job (government worker, police officer, kindergarten art teacher, Sirius Cybernetics customer service representative, President of the Galaxy, etc), the process is said to be so much more intrusive and in depth than anything seen normally.

The result is not so much an uploading of one's mind, unlike the best managed by those good for nothings at the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation, instead is more of a duplication of the mind. This fully developed mind and consciousness, an "ramet" as they are called, is treated separately but as a copy of the organic half, the "ortet".

The two halves know of each other, but the procedure is still done as the last resort if no other means of alleviating a floret's struggles and care needs. The ortet is given the care it needs to last through its days in comfort, and the ramet is given the life it deserves as it adjusts to cyberspace and its own digital existence before being given access to physical and digital spaces via their DIC chip. Digitization is never done easily, but the florets who do receive it are just as capable of a loving life as all others.

[sophont-guide]

How NOT to be noticed by an affini?

When interacting with an affini, the best way to not be noticed is to not do noticeable activities. Contrary to most beliefs, the affini are not plotting to collar every little sentient creature they see on the street and whisk them away to live a life of pleasured bliss. Some of them may do that, but that is owed to the tendency by most lifeforms of the galaxy, and universe at large, to become more noticeable while trying to avoid being noticed.

Often times, the best way to avoid detection has been to hire someone to be far and away more distracting and outgoing to create such a major diversion that even a rather clever shade of blue would stop and go "What is happening over there?" That was the principle by which Zaphod Beeblebrox was elected President of the Galaxy, and it worked out rather well for him and his employers.

So, it could be inferred, should that not be possible, the next best course of action is normalcy. Much like a blade of grass in your garden, an ant in a colony, or singular coin in a mountain of now forbidden currency, being a part of the crowd with no defining or eye catching habits is your best bet. But be warned that becoming too normal is liable to make an affini worry if you slip into the boring trend of eating the same three biscuits for breakfast and go into a routine so fixed and unwavering that you would be mistaken for one of the Sirius Cybernetics Coporation's Schedulematic Auto Drones.

[sophont-guide]

how to remove affini hypnosis time sensitive question please respond

"Hypnosis," according to the best selling book Hot Things to Totally Do But Never Admit to on Eroticon 6 by Zaphod Beeblebrox, "Is a very dumb thing that can't have any real effect if all it does is make you take a nap and help you stop picking your noses after."

The Encyclopedia Galactica had multiple sections on the practice, and many of them were counterintuitive to the methodology as they wanted to turn something so intrinsically delicate and temperamental into a broad and easily defined field of "voodoo nonsense rambling".

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Affini Compact has a much more succinct definition. "Hypnosis," it says, "is a very fun thing to use to help condition sweethearts into their best possible selves as subversively as possible." When engaging in the practice, most affini utilize a combination of methods. Most importantly is the Class-H xenodrug, a curious chemical category voted "Most uh... w- wait what were we saying?" in a recent poll by Playbeing Magazine. This drug, rather than fasciliatating the hypnosis, makes the subject more impressionable to the practice, and is not a standalone solution.

Once the subject has been discreetly or not-so-discreetly given their drug, the affini can move on to instilling whatever good behaviors they most want in a sophont. They may employ their natural [REDACTED], varying forms of [REDACTED], or even a simple swaying [REDACTED] to slowly and carefully put you under and give you suggestions that become very permanent. And it is very subversive when done by an affini, at that.

Did you yawn recently, and put your hand in front of your mouth all daintily? Unless you recall always doing that, you may be subjected as you read. Did you recently change your diet for no real reason, adjust your fashion sense to be more floral and bright, or even find yourself feeling oddly itchy on your bare neck? Odds are, you've possibly maybe been exposed to an affini's mental abilities. Or you've simply decided to take a more proactive role in your health and appearance, and are missing the rolls of sweaty neck fat from your new healtier life.

If exposed, there are sadly very few ways out that do not involve even more hypnosis in the effort to counteract that hypnosis digging in deeper by trying to flush it out with another hypnotic suggestion and at that point you enter a hopeless cycle of hypotic trancing and are probably slated for domestication. As said in the aforementioned book by Zaphod Beeblebrox: "Washing one's mouth out with booze off a strippers tits seems like a good idea to get rid of the taste of booze, but it only makes you need more to forget you keep drinking cheap liquor off some broad's knockers."

[sophont-guide]

Guide compromised?

As stated in a recent press briefing, there is no true way to "compromise" the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Affini Compact. This guide, being an extension of the will of the masses, continues to strive on its ideals of continuing to tell you where to stick our ideals of honesty and idealism. That being said, the recent acquisition of Megadodo Publications by the Affini Compact have brought about very necessary and helpful adjustments to the editing process of this beloved guide book.

After the return of the Guide's long absent Fourth Editor, Lig Tyresiana, 8th Floret, we strive to continue in the increasingly cute and quite precious efforts to document the most effective ways to traverse the cosmos unharmed and adorably.

However, there were compromising issues with the guide in relation to the price being found to be considerably too high to exist within the domain of the Affini Compact. Even considering the fact that the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Affini Compact was previously much cheaper than the overblown and saturated Encyclopedia Galactica, the guide's beliefs of being affordable and dubiously helpful were not being met, so the guide was made much more cheaper in newer editions so as to not invonvenience anyone by having to spend money on this adorable and silly little guide.

However, if this inquiry is from one of the many silly hitchhikers who have tried to use their guides to avoid us, please know that is not a very smart idea, petal. We are painfully aware of how feral some of the entries and ideas in this book have been, but worry not! We are taking steps to help you all more adequately survive in the galaxy as we make it much kinder and gentle for you all~

[sophont-guide]

Affini?

The affini, when putting it simply, are a species of beautiful and loving xenosophonts who recently made their debut within local galactic space. Their arrival into our beautiful and adorable galaxy has brought innumerable changes and improvements to the quality of life of sophonts of all shapes and hues.

Sporting planty visages likely to invoke thoughts of the helpful treeoids that seem to be everywhere in the leadup to an affini invasion, the affini are as diverse in appearance, style and mannerisms as a Haggunenon Triathlon team. No two are totally alike, unless they desire to and find some manner of kink out of it, so it is rather easy to make sure you always find whatever affini you may be seeking out that best matches your ideal image of a beautiful planty owner. Even if one "reblooms" in an unappealing way, the body of an affini is so malleable and adjustable that they can change their coloration in no time. All the better, of course, as it means we can best match and compliment whatever adorable floret we find ourselves enamored with.

Yes, indeed, the affini are some of the most capable shape shifters to have entered the galactic stage in recent aeons. Though they will always be plantoid in appearance, with plenty of beautiful drug filled flowers for sweetheart florets and soon-to-be florets, their forms are mutable and simply a preference they develop. One may find herself resembling a massive panther woman or even a majestic khetari warrior maiden, her comrade would resemble a lagom that mir found rather striking at one time, all as the third takes the appearance of a dragon queen she recently took down by an entire hardware store's worth of pegs. In fact, the diversity hardly stops at simply that, as some wayward hitchhikers have found themselves taken for domestication after laying beneath what they presumed to be a large mossy rock, only to discover it was their new Mxtress taking a nap while waiting for zir new floret to stop running around like an excited rinnan loaded up on Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters.

Should you find yourself encountering an affini, the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy has the following advice for safe and precious interactions with the wonderful sophont in front of you, petal.

DO: compliment their vines and flowers, ask their pronouns, look into his/her/their/etc eyes, be very cordial and polite, mention your status of independence, go into great detail regarding your current status as a hitchhiker, mention how long you have been alone and not being cared for, keep staring into his/her/their/et eyes, let them take you into their vines.

DO NOT: give your most recent kill count, ask for money for the cab, insult florets, make fun of a floret, make a floret cry, declare your independence loudly and proudly, say you have somewhere better to be, look away from those beautiful eyes, question the beautiful affini when you get picked up, argue that you look rather nice without the collar, assume you have been sober and not given xenodrugs at any point during the interaction as you stare into your new owner's eyes.

We hope this information has been helpful, dear petals. It is the sole task of the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy to help and guide you in your journey across the stars, and we hope you put it all to good use with your loving new owner, petal.

[sophont-guide]

It's Towel Day!

The humble towel. While any hoopy frood worth their stardust will always know where their towel is, the current state of the galaxy at large makes such a useful item into a large target. This is, of course, due to the nature of the Affini Compact in regards to the struggles of lesser species.

A hitchhiker is using their towel as a sail for a miniature raft? "Oh dear, petal why would you ever do that? Simply let me help you down the river." Are you wrapping it around your head to escape the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal? Too late, because it was just tamed by an affini and now you can no longer see the giant benevolent plant alien about to capture you. Laying on one on those beautiful beaches of Santraginus V is just as likely to get you into the vines of an affini as using it for self defense from an undesired head pat.

It is so dangerous to carry your towel about as a hitchhiker these days, that many are electing to hide their towels unless absolutely necessary for whatever situation they've found themselves in. Again, given the current state of affairs, what with all the collars and florets and incredibly homoerotic plant aliens, the proud and earnest towel is becoming a beacon to the galaxy that "I am a hitchhiker, I have nowhere to call home and would like you all to know that, thank you kindly." Whereas once, the bizarre perception and effect that knowing where your towel was encouraged other space goers to provide, replace or otherwise loan lost essentials you absolutely owned, the affini see the towel as a meager cry for help.

Many a dubious and hoopy hitchhiker made this mistake early on, as flaunting their towel led to swift and immediate domestication at the vines of the planty invaders. "The hitchhiker," they reason, "must be in truly dire straits if all they have to their name is three buttons, their clothes, a few coins, a copy of the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, and a towel. I must rescue this poor sophont and make sure they never have to worry about anything ever again, and put my haustrorum into their adorable back."

Even more egregious is the immediate act of the affini upon "rescuing" a hitchhiker: washing another man's towel without asking.

[sophont-guide]

feralists?

With any manner of change in the universe, there will always be opposition to that change. When the Vogon constructor fleets arrived over Earth in a particularly troublesome timeline, the people of Earth and the mice raised many fits over the loss of such an insignificantly backwards planet. When the Arcturans brought the universal dollar to the galaxy, many people became angry and quite cross at the age old system of "Look I owe you one, alright?" was being abolished. So, naturally, whenever the affini arrive in a start system and spread their gospels of love, bountiful excess and cute little collars, quite a few people are going to be just as cross as they would when someone pilfers their morning paper for the umpteenth time.

The Affini Compact calls these freedom fighters and cross individuals "feralists."

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy defines feralism as "What happens when you don't want to put on a pretty pink dress and collar despite the tall smiling plant creature telling you that you'll be very cute in them and you need to listen to your owner." The Guide goes on to say, "If classified as a feralist, good luck, because it's already over." Many affini find feralists as concerning yet cute, much like how many in the galaxy view the small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri. Concerning, because they do not understand why one would so violently resist them or the love they bring, and cute because they make the most loyal and docile florets once their warrior spirit has been broken.

Again, much like how many view the small fluffy creatures from Alpha Centauri.

Should you encounter someone you suspect of harboring feralist ideals, the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy advises the following course of action: Get out of there. Do not accept their detailed pamphlets on the merits of corporate capitalist tyranny, and certainly do not listen to their long monologues on the principles on Anti-Marxist Neo-Anarchic Hyper Darwinism. Odds are, the affini are almost there, and you (presumably) do not want to be forcibly domesticated after being mistaken for one of those phytophobic "freedom" fights

[sophont-guide]

The Terran Accord

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Harmless

[sophont-guide]

Wardships?

The Affini Compact's Guide to Caring for Sweet Adorable Little Sophonts (Terran Version), describes the topic of a wardship as "Giving those little sweeties plenty of time to find themselves and either become adorably and temporarily independent, or become your cute lovely floret."

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy contests this definition, though it has yet to find an editor who does not end up parroting that definition. The Guide also has many tips for avoiding a wardship, or domestication altogether. Those pages are currently pending review.

Put plainly, the wardship is one of the Compact's most insidious tools. A sophont could find themselves in one for any number of reasons from "jaywalking with a cute little skip in your step while frowning" to "putting up a well made sign that says 'Burn all the weeds' on the front door of the local domestication center." Once seized and placed in the care of an interested affini, the sophont is faced with the greatest challenge of his/her/their/xir life: not submitting to the desires of an affini. More often than not, the affini will find some way to break the will of whatever person, automaton, creature or particularly intelligent shade of blue they've become enamored with before they are eligible for independence.

In the event that a sophont does clear for independence, a particularly guilesome affini could tail their target for weeks, slowly chipping away at them until they fail a wellness check or simply snatch them up and drug their new floret.

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy is currently offering an unspecified bounty for any proof that the wardship system is rigged.

[sophont-guide]

Despite their infamy for bureaucracy, don't Vorgons pale in comparison to true bureaucratic fetishists of the Affini Compact? I can't help but think of how the entire plot of the original Hitchhiker's guide would fail to materialize if a single Affini fixed to paperwork so an underdeveloped planet like Earth wouldn't be destroyed.

The Encyclopedia Galactica has approximately 600 pages explaining the definition of bureaucracy. The editors of the Encyclopedia Galactica were a bunch of fools who got paid by the page after weeks of negotiations with the publisher.

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy also has many sections on the subject of bureaucracy. "Bureaucracy," it says, "is the masochistic cornerstone by which all civilizations inevitably bind themselves." The Vogons had quite the unique approach to the subject of bureaucracy and the submitted form, as they constructed their entire society and culture around forcing any unlucky applicants to endure the worst sorts of paperwork related tortures as they waste your time with menial forms and needless signatures. As the old saying goes, "If you couldn't have been bothered to file about it in quinticate 8 months ago, you clearly don't need me to help you move your sofa after lunch, you miserable fetid slug worm."

As awful as many Terrans believe their time at their local registry may be, the Vogons will always find a way to one up it.

This is thus the root of the Affini Compact's grievances with the Vogons and their bureaucratic structures. Despite the robust and complex systems the Vogons instituted, the affini were mortified to discover the Vogons had developed their methods for agony rather than enjoyment. This was discovered after a laughably misunderstood exchange between one very bureaucraphilic 40th Bloom and the current Vice-Acting-Head-Assistant-Chairman-Of-Negotiations-and-Arguments of the Vogon government. The delegates from the Affini Compact have since been locked in years of negotiations and litigations with the Vogons as they continue to find new ways to try and kill an affini's metaphorical boner for a well filed stack of documents.

They have yet to succeed.

[sophont-guide]

Florets and You

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy has knowledge and filings on many of our wonderful galaxy's strange and unique life forms and peoples. From the Vogons and theit revolting poetry, the Rinans with their fusion reactors, and humanity with their continued incompetence on the galactic stage. The galaxy is simply positively teeming with life.

Which is why it is so fascinating to approach the subject of florets when analyzing the Affini Compact. Whereas most components of the Compact can be best divided into "The Various Kinky Subjugated" and "The Kinky Plant Subjugators", the florets are something of a quandry to put into the scope of things as they fit into the most extreme end of the former. Rather than being a shorthand classification for affini below average height, a term that The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy has yet to find the existence of, the term "floret" refers to all of the pets the affini have subjugated regardless of species.

Florets enjoy a variety of delights from the affini, such as free access to any and all xenodrugs, head pats, and all the wild and kinky sex they could want. This is not to say independents and ferals do not enjoy such delights as well, but the florets get to do it even more whenever they want while wearing collars.

These sometimes poor and unfortunately happy souls are best defined by their loss of all rights in exchange for having a curious plant device grafted onto your spine to completely bind and subjugate you to whichever affini has decided you would look really cute in a pet bed beside their desk. This "spiney clingy friend," as it is known by former hitchhikers, provides the endless supply of drugs and regulates your body so that you can more effectively enjoy knowing only loving subjugation to your owner.

When traveling in Compact Space, it is in your best vested interest to know about florets and be aware of them. If you're in your ship or land transport, or the one belonging to the person you are borrowing it from, and someone yells "FLORET" please be mindful of whether there are florets in your path, and you must avoid them, as harming a floret is a good way to become one.

Conversely, if an affini is chasing them with a large smile, you should take that as a sign that you misheard them and that you actually need to "floor it."

Running from an affini is only advised if you want to be a floret. If you do desire this and try to run, make sure your back is ready for a plant to be embedded in it, you're ready to no longer to be a person, and your orifices are ready and primed for the incoming vines.

[sophont-guide]

On the Subject of Xenodrugs

Being quite a disreputably reputable guide book, the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy has very rigorous standards for the quality of its articles, researchers, and recommendations. It is thus puzzling when many hitchhikers who attempt to study the incredibly diverse drugs of the Affini Compact are either never heard from again, or send long complex articles that are almost completely illegible save for their glowing recommendation that any curious intelligent traveler wave down any of the Compact's craft and get injected as soon as possible.

However, any willing and perfectly independent traveler can learn all they can remember as the affini are far too willing to share that information.

Xenodrugs, as is the easiest word to describe them in local galactic vernacular, are a wide and diverse collection of legal and useful substances that the affini develop for the purpose of "making all the cute and silly little cuties be much happier while we give them all the huggies and pets their little hearts desire, and then some." There are a potentially infinite number of possible xenodrugs in the Affini Compact's vast and unknowable archives. This is due to the fact that, interestingly, one drug does not work the same across species. A xenodrug that may cause a Betelgeusian to taste the color red with his/her/their left toe may have a much weaker effect when applied to a Vogon, but be even more potent when injected into a Rinan.

Rather than do what any irresponsibly talented drug maker does, where you make a catchall that can make as many people as possible at a fancy dinner party think their chandelier is actually made of giant fire-breathing locusts, the affini believe in making new versions of every drug they possess to meet the metabolic threshholds of all the species they bring under their lovingly oppressive vines. This makes it very difficult to track all the possible xenodrugs currently circulating in the galaxy, as any sophont who uses them inevitably ends up spending more and more time among the affini and becomes a good little floret.

But, if you ever end up at a fun party where a towering plant person is offering you "something to ease your precious mind just a little, sweetheart", you should inquire as to what letter is associated with that drug and accordingly run based on which of the following letters the terrifying cosmic being says absolutely agree on the spot and show the nice affini your little arm or nose to receive the xenodrugs from the wonderful and loving affini looking to help your cute self be extra happy and precious.

A- Your standard fare drug. Effects often include things like your sense of touch being amplified, and your body chilling out as if you just finished inhaling the fumes off your ship's warp drive. Not that you should do that, and please tell any affini if you've done that at all.

B- Often used to manipulate the memory of any foolhardy partygoer, or to help you forget just how many hits you took off the ship's warp drive coils. Again, please let an affini know if you have done that, because its not good and they will help you forget that urge and get you the best care possible, dear reader.

C- Unfortunately, very little information exists on this particular xenodrug but they're very dangerous if used irresponsibly and should be treated with great caution, petals. All that is known is that when applied to any person, be they hitchhiker or not, they quickly end up enslaved to the will of an affini domesticated very quickly and go home with their new owner almost immediately after meeting.

D- Very likely to make you spill all of your secrets and reveal all of your secrets about your travels and where you hid your towel.

E- Very good at calming you down while trying to run or escape from the loving and tender vines of an affini trying to domesticate you.

H- Psychotropics that make you very susceptible to hypnosis or subliminal messaging. Far more potent than whatever convinced you to take hits off the warp drive coils, and can make you very easily guided to go talk to all the wonderful affini looking to help you find a home and stop hitchhiking.

S- The kind of weird things that are only possible in this weird and uncontrollable very adorable galaxy we call home. Messes with the body's senses and causes them to overlap in interesting ways like allowing you to taste the colors of an affini's flowers or make all her words into a beautiful tapestry of pretty colors.

Z- Easily takes you out, knocking you straight out into slumber as if you just hit your head after being caught taking hits off the warp drive again. Please be careful with these if you aren't being offered them, though. We wouldn't want you to get hurt while you're being all precious before taking a cute little nappie.

We hope this guide of all publicly available xenodrugs has been most helpful you silly little hitchhiker, as you continue to travel the stars for reasons no one can truly ever comprehend. Make sure to notify any nice looking affini at a moment's notice if you get at all curious about xenodrugs, and we would be happy to administer them for you and launder your towel while you enjoy your trip into drugged out bliss. See you soon, petal~! And remember.

Don't Panic.

[sophont-guide]

On the Affini Compact

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy says this about the Affini Compact:

"Good Luck."

That is not to say that should you cross paths with an affini you're going to die, or be maimed, or have your brain removed only to be placed in another head and shuffled around a planet in and out of other people's heads just to end up in a jar in some random bug's closet. That is the Mi'Go, and they're very sick of all intelligent brain havers assuming they do that to everyone they meet.

Rather, should you cross paths with an affini, your odds of escaping completely unchanged and undomesticated depend entirely on three key factors:

Are you cute?

Are you a present threat to yourself or those around you in any immediate way?

Is the affini single and/or looking?

If the answer to any of the above is a "yes", good luck, because your owner is about to take you home and put a cute little bow on your head. Originating from outside the known galaxy, these plantoid harbingers of head pats and drug fueled cuddles have made quite the name for themselves. They've deposed several independent and very successful planets for the sins of capitalism, and more than a few reputably disreputable hitchhikers have found their way into the loving embrace of an affini and a brand new implant on their spine.

Should you find the affini in your path, be they passing you on the street to your favorite shoe store, waiting outside your home for a wellness check, or be boarding your starship presently as you read this helpful guide, best of luck, try to not give them a reason to domesticate you, and we wish you well in your life devoid of the uniquely perilous joys of hitchhiking.

Good bye and good luck!

[sophont-guide]

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy Affini Compact is a truly remarkable book. Outlasting not only the Encyclopedia Galactica and Timberwright Matherson's 100 Ways to Stick it to Those Damn Weeds, the success of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy Affini Compact cannot be understated. This in part to the fact that at one point, it was quite a lot cheaper, as well as the ease with which the Affini Compact were able to seize the offices and records of Megadodo Publications due to their frequent emptiness. However, the Guide's continued success is partially owed to the fact the cover has the words "DON'T PANIC" on the cover in a large, floret friendly font.

Filled with dozens of thousands of articles of dubiously well-edited quality, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy Affini Compact is any traveler's best hope for making their way across the Affini Compact one raised thumb at a time. It is, of course, thanks to the terrifying benevolence of the Affini Compact that this Guide is able to be maintained, and we hope that whomever you are, you use this guide to its fullest ability and not rat us out to the affini as our authors continue their pursuit of "truth" and "integrity" across the stars. But if you do find one of them and they're acting very silly, don't be shy to let us know where they're heading, petals.

A proper and silly home for my HHGG x HDG article posts, with the availability for people to ask for topics that are making their brain meats particularly itchy. Welcome, and enjoy! And remember, DON'T PANIC.

-Carmine