sosadontheinsidebutwearinga-blog

[sosadontheinsidebutwearinga-blog]

Im trapped in a prison I built myself

I am trapped in a prison I built myself

I bet you look at me and think I am the luckiest girl in the world.  On the surface I appear to have it all.  I live in a beautiful home where I spend all of my days (because my husband works really hard to provide for his family).  It is his best quality.  I drive around in my silver Audi and go to lunch with my friends.  I have a maid service that comes each week.  I care for my son who we adopted after fostering and I attend his baseball games and practices just like a good mom does with a smile on my face.  Inside though I feel like I am slowly dying.  I am trapped in a prison, an invisible prison.  One that I have stood in for over twenty years while brick after brick was laid.

I was very young when I met my husband.  I was fresh out of a very short-lived marriage that lasted less than three months.  All I wanted at the time was a family, and my ex-husband wanted the opposite.  When I met Anthony, he was a single dad taking care of three girls.  In fact, that was what attracted me to him the most a man who not only wanted a family, he fought to keep his kids. There were things that were a little lacking for me such as sexual intimacy.  It was there, but not what I had before with my first husband. The ex-wife was of course a lot to handle at times.  But hey… no relationship is perfect.  The sex may not have been an A but it was still good.  When we dated we rarely spent time alone they were always there.  I fell in love with being a family.  Anthony traveled a lot for work he was always gone.  When we got married and It was mostly me with the kids.  

I ignored the initial problems.  He had told me that him and his ex had sex really often he didn’t seem to want it as much with me.  After all every time I met someone they went on and on about how I was all he talked about.  Then I ignored the bigger problems like when I saw texts from other girls.  He would tell me it was my fault that if I didn’t look I wouldn’t find anything.  I mean he had a point.  Of course, I told him he could look at my phone he wouldn’t find anything at all.  He would say he would get rid of his phone, but of course how could he call home when he was gone without it so I told him to keep it.

The kids moved out and he took jobs being gone longer (over a year at a time).  I was by myself but kept my time occupied with friends.  His work credit card bills would come in with charges for women’s lingerie that he didn’t give me, and clothes and I would ask about it when he came home where he would swear his “friend” didn’t have a credit card and gave him the cash.  I stupidly stayed.  I had never been alone.  He went back on the road I was alone.  

He finally got a local job again and we started fostering children.  I was never able to conceive.  He had a vasectomy reversal and has low motility.  I have some ovulation issues but to this day if it is brought up it is ALL MY FAULT that I wasn’t able to concieve! We adopted a son Luke.  He is now 7.  Things seemed good.  I thought all of the countless times I caught him having his “emotional” affairs (that’s all I was able to prove) were over.  Then bam out of the blue I am using the computer and the IM starts blinking…I know I shouldn’t have opened it but I did.  When I did I learned that he had just left from having dinner with a lady who has caused issues in our marriage before.  I read all the texts I could.  It was very clear from the texts nothing had happened but It was also clear that this girl wanted him.  (texts like: I hate I will never get to be with you) I told Anthony to leave me and to be with her, but he told me and still tells me he loves me.  He begged for forgiveness.  

This was six months ago and I am not the same.  I cannot forgive him.  I cannot forget about the situation.  I no longer feel sexually attracted to him, and I can honestly say I am happiest when he is out of town.  I want out, but I am trapped in this invisible prison I ALLOWED myself to be enclosed in.  I have no job, no means to hire a good attorney to fight for my son, nowhere to go…I feel like I am drowning. I feel like I gave up my whole life for nothing.  If it were not for my son I would have nothing at all.