soulmining

[soulmining]

maybe i deserve all this 👍

[soulmining]

cancelling my clean apartment party bc i thought id have another job by now but i don’t so whatever it wouldn’t have worked out anyway bc ive made no progress cleaning. i am in such a terrible mood 24/7 and i know its because of my financial situation and also the fact that i dont leave the apartment. i cant do anythingggggg and its humiliating. i’m always like wow i wish i could hang out with people but i think i am an unpleasant person to be around and im terrible at talking so i dont know what i expect.

[soulmining]

my apartment is a huge mess still bc its too overwhelming for me to start cleaning it and my kitchen is infested with fruit flies but i have no money to get anything to get rid of them and my boss texted me about the tax levy and is like “they want me to withhold your wages” but offered no help as if she isn’t the one who put me in this situation by lying to me. i’m supposed to get a check from my apartment building for referral but it still hasn’t come in the mail and even if i put the whole thing towards my tax debt i’ll still owe $400 & i just keep making stupid decisions. but they’re not even stupid decisions i just feel guilty for buying basic necessities. i just need a new job so bad. if i could just get a full time job i think i could figure this out and pay everything off but everything is moving so slowly. if i get this vet job im not giving two weeks at my current job im just going to quit immediately. i cant ask my parents for help because they dont have the money either and ive never told them whats going on w money or with school. i need to call the IRS to set up a payment plan but i dont even know if they’ll let me do that and i can’t even make a payment today because my boss still hasn’t paid me for this pay period. its lowkey going awful.

[soulmining]

just received my academic dismissal email. well. #DayRuined.

[soulmining]

i literally don’t know what to do bc i’ve just slowly been getting worse and worse at being a person and i go to therapy and i don’t know how to talk about it bc i don’t want to go to therapy anymore but i know i should in this time. my apartment is disgusting. im isolating myself again. i flunked out of college again. i’ve been pretending that it’ll be fine but i don’t think it will. but it’s 1 AM right now so that may change.

[soulmining]

me when i lowkey ruined my own life again

[soulmining]

grappling with the fact that even though i never wanted to go to college again in the first place that i ruined my chances of ever going back and how i lowkey don’t know shit bc i never applied myself. feeling incredibly guilty and stupid at how i handled this. internships didn’t work out. i need a second job or a new full time one asap bc my current job isn’t giving me the hours. this was going to be the summer of we’re so back but it seems like it will be the summer of guilt. i’m going back and forth between wanting to find an entry level sound job & just giving up on sound entirely. i don’t know why i ever expected a second try at college to work out. i think id be fine if i could feel less guilty. back to indeed.

[soulmining]

my #Week #SpikeSunday

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my mostly inside spring break. bailey and i got to season 4 of 911 in like a week and a half. do you guys think i can teach myself half a semester of coding in a week? tomorrow i lock in.

[soulmining]

[soulmining]

Elizabeth Taylor and her husband Eddie Fisher enthusiastically watching the Floyd Patterson vs. Ingemar Johansson boxing match in 1960.

[soulmining]

[soulmining]

all i want to do lately is stay home and craft but lowkey i have a project due on thursday.

[soulmining]

i should probably make more of an effort to make friends at my college but making friends through tumblr is working pretty fine bc everyone lives in the midwest. i forget im shy until theres a college club event i want to go to and im like ‘wont they kill me for being new to the club?’ also campus is a 40 min train ride. i do feel i’m getting better at being sociable though. i think it’s fine to have a small amount of irl friends but it’s hard to not compare myself to others my own age. whateverrrrr. there’s a lot of factors that go into that. i wish i could quit my job but nobody else will hire me. unrelated issue.

[soulmining]

this bag of jerk chicken wings a customer gave me & ricky

[soulmining]

why am i terribly embarrassed about trying to make a theband zine now like my brain keeps telling me to delete the post bc it’s a silly idea. idk maybe i should’ve just dmed people directly instead of trying to make it an official thing bc there’s literally only like 10 people who gaf

[soulmining]

Nightmare Weekend, Henri Sala, 1986