soynika-blog1

[soynika-blog1]

I get this sensation that life is passing me by and I am trying to stay present, in the moment, because this will be gone soon, because life is made of the in-between, the “journey” -- but life is tiring.

I think people who do drugs are boring (and possibly rich), but am I all that different if I have a sleep a lot and miss out on a lot of life, albeit in a different manner to them?

I wish I didn’t have to rely on myself to be my own anchor. I wish that I were lucky enough to have other people anchor me when I am not strong enough to anchor myself.

[soynika-blog1]

could tell you how you

could have me if you wanted

but i know you don’t

[soynika-blog1]

Is there anyone who will find me spectacular in all my plainness?

[soynika-blog1]

When you need a life coach but can’t afford a life coach

I want to have a hobby.

But I lack self-confidence, self-discipline, passion, drive and motivation.

Steph says that I should just do something, try anything. No matter how crappy and unprofitable and uncool it is. I agree. But it’s hard for me to start because of what I lack.

She thinks I should go back to freestyling. I want to go back to freestyling but I have this fear of going back to it. I don’t freestyle like I used to when I was back in Mallorca--I do it rather inconsistently now. The last time I freestyled was in Bali (nearly a month ago now). Freestyling as a hobby kind of fell apart and unravelled after I moved to Girona and injured my foot in September of last year and was subsequently out for a few months because of it--and also because of the freezing cold and all the work drama I had and the months of itinerence afterwards.

And now I’m here. In Australia. Where I have a lot of free time between searching for a job and yet wonder at the same time how the days just slip by past me. I just need a hobby to keep myself from going mad and depressed about being here and not in Spain.

Steph thinks I should also go over to my parents’s place and bring my bicycle over here. I go for walks, but it’s low intensity, so I need something a little higher intensity. I could and should go running, but I still haven’t found a pair of runners that I’m happy with yet. I don’t want to ruin my knees in the meantime with the pair of casual trainers I have that aren’t up to the cause.

I miss being 15 and being disciplined in making myself go running every second day.

Tonight I was going over with Steph my somewhat secret, hardly-talked-about pipe dream of being a voice actor (which I have not and will never pursue professionally); she said she vaguely remembered me telling her about it ages ago. I don’t like voice acting because I like the sound of my own voice (I don’t really)--rather, I enjoy putting it through its paces. I like putting on accents. Communicating emotions, creating moods. I like bringing characters to life that way, giving them a sort of tangible dimension instead of them being sat there, written in words across a sheet of paper or on a screen. When it comes to voice acting, I want to see if I can do any of that, and to know what my voice is capable of doing.

Maybe it’ll turn out to not be much, probably be really shitty, but I think I will give voice acting a try as a hobby. So I guess you’ll be hearing some voice clips that may or may not be god-awful from here on out.