spaceturtlegf

[spaceturtlegf]

I just want him to enjoy his youth and to have time to write, to read and rest, to live fully, in other words.

July 11, 1924 Journals of Anais Nin 1923-1927 [volume 3]

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I am thankful that there is someone like you.

July 11th, 1961 Anne Sexton: A Self-Portrait in Letters First published: 1977

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searching

I think I have been searching for a place to put myself for a long time. I feel like I have constantly been searching for something or looking for something, but at this point I don't even know what. It's coupled with this feeling of anticipation. And I purposely don't use the word "anxiety" because it's different than that. Anxiety implies a sense of fear, but it's not always that. Paranoia feels too harsh, to heavy of a negative implication. Anticipation, as in waiting in line and going on your tip toes to see how many more people are waiting in front of you at Trader Joes. I don't know how else to describe it. But it's something always in the back of my mind that tells me I should be doing something, or looking for something. More often than usual lately, I keep losing track of what that something is.

[spaceturtlegf]

what do i want?

For so much of my life, I have been thinking about the future. It has hindered me all my adult life. I have not been able to live in the present for a very long time now. I always feel like I'm looking for the next thing, or waiting for the next thing to happen.

I want to slow down and think about what I want. What I want to focus on. And right now, that is my mental health, my physical health, and my financial situation. My current schedule working part time and going to school full time is draining me the fuck out. I constantly feel like I am pushed beyond my limits lately.

More than anything, I want to be stable. And the way things are looking now, especially in the art world job market, it is not good. It is anything but stable.

Which is why I want to put a pause on school and focus on getting a quality full time job, with health benefits, paid time off, and an environment that doesn't make me feel like I am walking on eggshells. I thought I left that when I left the medical field. I know that any field I work in will have its ups and downs, but right now the museum and art world is filled with downs. Low paying jobs, internal hires, and politics are making the museum and art world a culling field.

I want a job where I can feel both comfortable and challenged. I want to be able to afford basic necessities, to live on my own, to pay my bills and my student loans. I should be able to do all of these things, especially at my age and with the multiple college degrees under my belt. I want to buy a house and get married and have kids and be healthy. I need a stable job to do all of this. And the museum world is not it anymore.

My priorities have changed since I started graduate school. Or honestly, my priorities changed when I realized I want a future with David. I want to be able to start a family with him and have our own space. I want to work hard for the sake of our future, not just my own.

[spaceturtlegf]

This post is not about David.

Why do parents bring children into this world? What makes two people decide to create life together? Does it even matter why?

I don't know the answer to any of these questions. Not yet, at least. I always said that I know that I want kids. But I don't think I've ever stopped to think why. Do I just want to know what it feels like to be pregnant? Do I think I have enough life experience to create another life with David? I know I love David, and I know I want to spend the foreseeable future with him. And I know we both want kids. But why?

I wish I could ask my dad why he wanted kids in the first place. Why it was so adamant for him to come to this country and create a future for his offspring. Why did he want me? Me, specifically? Was it because of the miscarriages him and my mom suffered through? Was it to prove to God that he had the ability to bring life into this world, to do humanity's one true job, despite all of the death he had experienced?

Why would be bring me into this world, yet call me a piece of shit? Why would be bring me into this world, yet call my mother a cunt and a whore? Why would he bring me into this world, treat me and my mother wonderfully, cook us breakfast and lunch and dinner, create precious and beautiful memories with us, yet, at the blink of an eye, treat us so coldly and so callously? Why would be bring me into this world, yet...

My dad insulted me for the first time today. He has always been quick to throw mean comments and jabs at me, especially when he's drunk and angry. He never hit me or my mom, never physically harmed us. But time and time again, he has never truly insulted me. Never had any ill wishes toward me. My whole life, he hurdled insult after abusive insult at my mom, and she has taken blow after blow after blow. He once told me he would never insult me, never, as a father, never ever.

Today, my dad broke my heart and my trust. He flipped a switch so quickly it gave me emotional whiplash. I thought things were fine. He called me to talk about his bloodwork results. He woke up early to make breakfast and lunch for me. He dropped me off to the train station for work and picked me up in the afternoon. We laughed about the dogs. We talked about cleaning up the house for when David comes over for dinner on Saturday. We got home. I immediately gave my dogs a bath because they were stinky. I told dad and mom I was going to go my room for a bit and lay down. I haven't been sleeping well lately, and I was tired, but I still said I would help them clean for when the carpet cleaners come tomorrow.

Then he was calling me and screaming at me on the phone. Asking me why I never helped around the house. Berating me for asking my mom for money. Why should he do all this work for me when I don't even help? Said I'm 32 years old and he can't keep helping me. He called me a piece of shit. Said he's sick and tired of this shit. He said more, but I don't remember it all. I don't want to remember it all. The worst part is that he didn't even say any of this to my face. Half the time he was yelling this at my mom while I stood at the top of the stairs listening. I would have preferred for him to look me in the eye and say these things. That way I know he really truly meant it.

I was shaking with anxiety and an amalgamation of emotions I still can't put words to. If I think about it too much even now, hours later, I start shaking and crying. I didn't know this emotion, I've never experienced it before. It wasn't until just now that I knew it was heartbreak. True and deep heartbreak. I knew a man would break my heart one day. I just never knew that man would be my dad.

I idolized him. He worked his ass off as an immigrant since he was younger than I am now. He suffered and fought and scraped tooth and nail, and for a while, despite his temper and his drinking (which has always been problematic for as long as I can remember), I admired his hard work. I tried to embody that hard work and dedication in the way that I live life. In the last ten or so years, our financial situation deteriorated drastically, and he has taken that stress out on my mother and I.

I know he is a narcissist. I know how narcissists think and act. Years of therapy has made most of his tantrums tolerable.

Yet, I don't know I can forgive him this time. The only way I think I can even begin to forgive him is if he agrees to get professional help and talk to a therapist. I don't think I can even accept a simple apology at this point. This hurt is the deepest hurt I've ever felt. I don't know what to do.

[spaceturtlegf]

You do this thing where whenever you feel a semblance of happiness any moment, you retreat within yourself, and you believe you don't deserve happiness. I see it happen in your eyes before you even say it. I wish I knew how to help you in those moments or knew what to say to make you feel better. It's jarring, like a roller coaster with a sudden unexpected drop. It leaves me at a scramble sometimes. I always make sure to reassure you, and I always will in the future. But you have to know that you deserve to have fun and be happy and express yourself and be selfish and have your own interests and to infodump for 15 minutes straight, and do it all without worrying about what others think of you, especially me. I love you. I am not going to up and leave you out of no where. I want you to feel safe enough with me to know that you deserve and are entitled to good things. I want you to be able to experience the good without the nagging in the back of your head that something will go wrong.

I will never tell you this, but at one point, all of this was really wearing me down. The constant reassurance, the explaining, the letdowns. I kept thinking that I deserve "better". Then I thought of life without you, and how lonley and colorless everything would be without your love. And I decided to never not try. I always live by this quote by Christina Yang from the show Grey's Anatomy. She said something along the lines of "I will not give up until I have tried every single possible solution I can think of. Then I can give up, because I'll know that I have done absolutely everything within my power." I hear that whenever I consider giving up on anything. I ask myself if I have tried everything within my power. More and more, you give me the strength to keep trying. It'll taks more than a few words to get rid of me.

[spaceturtlegf]

I need you to get divorced. I know you're separated. I know you don't love her. I know the depth of your animosity towards her. But how much longer can I wait? I feel like I've only had half of you for the last two years. The divorce lingers just beyond your reach, but it still casts a shadow long enough to shroud our future. We can't move forward. We can’t build anything solid. I'm sick of the instability.

You say there's nothing you can do, it's in the hands of your lawyer. But you just don't have the backbone to do anything else about it. You don't have the backbone to do much of anything other than sit around and wait. I understand money is short, I really do. But you're not doing anything about that either. You're not saving, you're not cutting your expenses. I won't apologize for being mean. I'm tired.

I understand you're on the spectrum. I understand that you have ADHD. And I understand how your symptoms affect your daily life because I've seen it. But how much more can you hide behind the guise of your symptoms? You say you forget easily. You say you get distracted easily. Fine. But you forget to call or text me. You forget stories about my childhood. You forget things I think are important to me as a person. How much more can I keep forgiving? I know the answer is a lot. I will always forgive you because I love you.

You complain about your job. About how much money you don't have. But you don't do anything about it. You don't even try to look for a new job anymore. You're banking on becoming a successful writer. And while I don't doubt your writing abilities, I doubt the stability of only relying on that for your future. You say you want to be an EMT again but we both know you can't take on that workload again. You won't consider any other healthcare job? Going back to school?? Accepting any sort of help????

I don't want this sort of future. I want to live with you. I want to have children with you. I want to build a life with you. I fucking love you. You say you love me. But it's not as much as I love you. At least your actions don't make it so. You say your pretty words, but you barely have enough actions to back them. You haven't bought me flowers in almost a year. Every time I watch you buy packs of cards, I think, "You can buy $30 of cards that give you gamblers guilt if you don't pull anything good, but you can't buy me a boquet of flowers?" I will not discount the things you have done or the things we have done together. It's those moments and conversations that keep me here with you. Because I know we should be together. I WANT to be with you. But not with the way you are now. I don't want to change you. I want you to improve for your sake, not for mine. It hurts me to see you like this, but you don't get it. I don't know what I'm saying anymore. I don't know what to think or do.

[spaceturtlegf]

words from eternal sunshine by flower face

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Marya Hornbacher, Madness: A Bipolar Life

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Rainer Maria Rilke in a letter to Lou Andreas-Salomé, published in Rilke and Andreas-Salomé: A Love Story in Letters

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May Sarton, Journal of a Solitude

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I have to make everything ok really fast

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Maggie Smith, “Small Blue Town”, Goldenrod

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You have not bought me flowers in almost a year.

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I feel betrayed. By you and by myself.

I told you my anxiety was at an all-time high. You watched me shake and cry in the middle of that Target. You held me and told me that everything would be ok. You desperately tried to make me laugh to ease the tension in my shoulders. You gave me a pep talk in the car, and gave me a plan when my brain couldn't even form words. I should have felt comforted. I should have felt better. But I didn't. I felt like you were inconvenienced by me. Like I was a burden. Like you were shepherding me against your will. Like you came to help me out of obligation, not because you wanted to. And none of that is your fault. You did everything because you love me, and I know that. My heart knows that. But my brain is working against me. My brain projects my own expectations onto you, expecting you to do what I would do if I were in your situation. If it were me, I wouldn't have left early to have dinner with my family. I would have stayed and helped you clean, help you organize, make you laugh more, make you feel more comfortable in your space. I would have told my family I couldn't make it because the love of my life needs my help. I would have dropped everything for you if I saw you shake and cry the way I did. But you didn't. You did what you thought was in your capacity. And I can't be mad at you for that. I shouldn't feel this weight of abandonment in my chest, but I do. I should have been more honest with you. I should have told you that I need you, that I don't want to be alone. But how can I ever ask you to choose me over your family? That's not fair. I don't want to be that person. But I know that is what I deserve. That is what I want. But I can't have it. So, I will have to strengthen and fortify myself. I have to work on feeling better with myself. I need to be able to do more things on my own. I have become complacent. I have lost part of my sense of independence. I was able to get through phases like this by myself before. I can't fully give myself to you yet, and I see that now.

[spaceturtlegf]

Reading this back again, i realize now that a lot of this stems from my own insecurities. At the time, i was insecure about my negative feelings of self-worth, and the moment my feelings were reflected back at me--even if it were just a second, and it wasnt done out of malace--i felt triggered. Its why i reacted so harshly and so quickly. And then the immense guilt i felt after was also feeding back into my insecurities, and it made me absolutely spiral. Im not saying i was right or justified in my actions, because i was not. Im mostly writing this out as a form of self reflection, so i know how to identify this feeling and reaction in the future.

Anyway, therapy is great and everyone should try it.

Anger, he smiles towering in shiny metallic purple armor.

Today, I'm mad. I'm mad at the universe, I'm mad at this situation I'm in. Most of all, I am mad at myself.

I'm mad that so many times, when David and I go out, he finds a way somehow to bring up his ex. I'm mad that I am so lenient with him and with myself, that I don't allow myself to care much about it most of the time, until I do. I'm mad that I ruined our date today by not paying attention to him in a moment when he was trying to explain himself to me, but I'm also mad that I was in that situation in the first place. Why would you tell me you saw something that reminded you of your ex? Why do you always tell me when things remind you of your ex? Do you think that's fair, to be talking about your ex-wife like that to the girl you call "the love of your life"?

David said he saw something at the mall that reminded him of his ex, and that he thought of buying it and giving it to her somehow. After he said that, I defaulted to shutting him out, because why would you say that to me? Why would you tell me that? That makes me feel like shit. It makes me feel like--despite you saying over and over that you don't--you're still in love with her. That you still care about her, even after all the bullshit she put you through. You almost ended your life because of her. And yet you tell me you want to buy this stupid thing and give it to her??

After he said that, he started to explain how he felt more, but I didn't hear him. I think in truth, I didn't want to hear it, because I was already frustrated and tired from the day, and I didn't want to do anything but just spend time with him. And the moment he brought up his ex, it all came crashing down. I realize this sounds like a dirty filthy excuse, and it is.

What makes this whole situation worse is that I am, unquestionably, the one in the wrong. Because I let my anger get the best of me, and I hurt someone I love as a result. I let all my feelings overflow in that moment and instead of facing them, I let them take over like a coward and took it out on David. Later on, he told me that after he said he thought of buying the gift for her, he immediately followed it by saying he was angry at himself for even thinking about buying his ex a present, and yes in fact she does not deserve it because she's horrible. But I didn't listen to it. Instead, I followed my selfish feelings, and he was the one who got hurt. And I hate myself for it. I will probably hate myself forever for hurting him. The one person in this world who actually loves me, the person I have been begging the universe to reveal to me for years, and I hurt him. I am filled with self-loathing.

[spaceturtlegf]

yo this boy got me kickin my feet n shit....