spaghettiramblings

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I have returned

I hath returneth after a two year hiatus. I logged into this account two days ago and LORD I was appalled by what I was posting back then.

So to summarize, this account was butchramblings. I was posting nonsense about YouTube and Tumblr feminists and crusty red pillers. I have not consumed any of that since two years ago. I deleted Twitter, deleted the Tumblr app, stopped YouTube, Reddit, whatever else. I think Covid made me dwell on that stuff way too much. Of course I'm still feminist, but not what I was doing two years ago.

Let's say since two years ago, I am no longer a butch lesbian. I am currently bisexual. I was going through things, I guess I'll explain that in another post... To be honest I was more tomboy, not butch, but I was aspiring for it. I still appreciate being masculine, but I think I've reached a happy medium that isn't just sweatpants and outfits that don't flatter me at all.

Also two years ago, I was whining how I'd never get a job when I graduate with my BA in English Lit. Wellllll, I am currently getting my MSW, masters in social work. Long story of how that happened as well.

But yeah, I am back for my 15 followers lmao. Like anybody cares. I think I'll talk about grad school and other things, basically whatever I feel like. Hi :)

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You ever have these absolute fucking delusions?

Like one day I’m like “I’m going to be a Genius Academic ™” who publishes a whole textbook about some obscure topic.

Then the next I’m like “I’m fleeing to work in a gift shop in Maine and hike on the weekends.”

I want money but I worry about my happiness on the quest to make it.

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I hath returned for a moment

Anyways… should I become a librarian lmao. I think about this a lot. Do tell! Is it worth more school and suffering?

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American fashion 🤩

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During the 19th century, and especially in its later years, snacking in cemeteries happened across the United States. It wasn’t just apple-munching alongside the winding avenues of graveyards. Since many municipalities still lacked proper recreational areas, many people had full-blown picnics in their local cemeteries. The tombstone-laden fields were the closest things, then, to modern-day public parks.

One of the reasons why eating in cemeteries become a “fad,” as some reporters called it, was that epidemics were raging across the country: Yellow fever and cholera flourished, children passed away before turning 10, women died during childbirth. Death was a constant visitor for many families, and in cemeteries, people could “talk” and break bread with family and friends, both living and deceased.

The picnic-and-relaxation trend can also be understood as the flowering of the rural cemetery movement. Whereas American and European graveyards had long been austere places on Church grounds, full of memento mori and reminders not to sin, the new cemeteries were located outside of city centers and designed like gardens for relaxation and beauty. Flower motifs replaced skulls and crossbones, and the public was welcomed to enjoy the grounds.

Cemetery picnics remained peripheral cultural staples in the early 20th century; however, they began to wane in popularity by the 1920s.

Jonathan Kendall, Remembering When Americans Picnicked in Cemeteries, 2018.

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Boss is gonna kill us if we’re late again :/

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Every internship listing ever

Reading all the job/internship descriptions, I find the same pretentious bullshit. They're all:

X Company is a dynamic company with energetic individuals. This is an opportunity for hands on experience and connecting with those in the field.

You'll be doing: pretentious garbage 1, pretentious garbage 2, pretentious garbage 3.

You must be available from 9-5 Monday through Friday the entire summer. Internship is unpaid.

You must have these qualities: experience with *obscure software*, broad knowledge of all topics, the blood of a virgin, etc.

Meanwhile, there's 600 applicants, you have to make a whole account on the company portal, and they don't bother to respond to you...

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Internships

So with all the bull I experienced with my scheduling, I was essentially forced to sign up for an "internship class." My school requires an internship to graduate. However, because I was forced into the internship process, I had barely any time to apply for any. I spent 2.5 hours applying to one, and then my advisor sent me 2 internships that were EXPIRED. She is the internship coordinator??? What the fuck.

I ended up applying to an obscure internship, it seemed to have a good vibe to it. They actually responded to me, telling me to take a 5-day course in preparation "if I get offered the internship." If I was truly willing to take this internship, I would contact that person again. Recently I finished the course (in total, the 5 days was about 2 hours), and I emailed the woman back. Not to sound overdramatic, but it's been a couple of days, and I am panicking.

If I took this course for nothing, I am going to be so insanely mad. At this point, it's either too late to apply for internships, or they're going to be 3 month long ones that will essentially eliminate any chance of me going on vacation. In that case, I would have to apply for fall internships and torture myself then.

I currently work at a store, my manager has worked there for several years. He told me he never got an internship because he had "too little experience," and now he can't get a job because he can't get an internship. His field was science! Imagine me, a measly little English major trying to make it with NO experience!

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My descent into Hell as an English major

I have been enveloped in this feeling of dread, like my train car is flying off the side of a mountain and I can’t do anything to stop it. I don’t get why they promote being an English major. I know this is what I chose to do, and I knew about the risks. I am still willing to work hard to do anything remotely related to the subject I love. I’ve spoken to so many other English majors who feel hopeless. I probably sound like a privileged little teenager right now, but this is the truth. 

I think I knew from the beginning that my life was going nowhere. I always loved reading and writing, and I wasn’t exceptionally good at anything else (except foreign languages). When I looked at college programs, I only expressed interest in English and communications (which is my minor lmao). In freshman year of high school, I was bragging to everyone how I was going to be an English teacher, and how I was so committed to the craft that I didn’t care about the low pay. Meanwhile, I didn’t even like kids, and I did tutor some, but I wasn’t that good at it. A couple years passed, and at that point I was considering going into publishing to be an editor. One night after one of my night games, I went to my high school’s college fair, and I suddenly decided to be a lawyer. I figured I could major in English in undergrad, and go to law school. That way I could make money, right? Then I thought about it. I couldn’t spend 60k on law school. I thought law was soul sucking, as I had seen many accounts of stress from lawyers. I thought of being a paralegal, but I thought that it was too much for too little pay. 

Then I decided on editing. I was good at editing other student’s papers at school, so I decided I could get into publishing. I ended up going to college for English, and I was going to graduate a semester early. I was so excited about my English classes, and the future I was heading into. Since then, I have considered many other paths. At one point I decided to go to grad school to get a master’s, or even a PhD. I thought it would make me more marketable, and I'd get teaching experience. Then I thought “well I could go into the workforce instead of wasting time in schools some more...” I did some more research, and getting a grad degree in English does nothing for most careers (surprise surprise). I also never wanted to teach, and I feel like I keep trying to force myself to do it. I also thought of becoming a librarian, then I saw that most get paid minimum wage, and I decided against it. 

While I enjoy the readings and some of my writing, sometimes I feel like what I’m learning is absolutely useless. In the middle of an assignment, I'll be like “well who cares about this subject anyway? Nobody except me and some other nerds.” When a professor says “this was well written, this is so refreshing,” it brings me back. Someone’s opinion won’t really make me money, though. 

I never expected anything to be handed to me. I never expected to be rich. It’s just so fucking painful to see a publishing job that pays 30k get 600 applications. That’s literally minimum wage for a full time job that I can’t even get. I make more at my retail job and I do less work! I honestly might give up on publishing. I saw a post recently like “I interned for 3 years, can I break into the industry now?” My God... I shouldn’t have to slave away for 3 years, or cough up 10k for a 2 week publishing class in hopes that I can meet SOMEBODY who can give me a job. I give up. 

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We’ve all been there