sparklypsychotic-blog - Tumblr blog

[sparklypsychotic-blog]

Maybe the point of all this is that I need to do something like this that isn’t just about validation. Something where I can truly be anonymous, and not let it turn into what everything else has, just a way for me to fill whatever fucked up part of me just needs to be told I’m good enough. At some point I feel like I’ve stopped being anything other than just some pretty, fucked up little girl. Like whatever potential I used to have, whatever smarts I had that people gave a shit about, no one does anymore. Maybe I was just never that smart and I’m just now figuring it out, but thats not how it feels. I’m the same, everyone just treats me differently now. When I was ugly, I was interesting and funny and smart and witty and people at least pretended to care about those things. I’m just pretty now, nobody really cares about anything else. And it’s funny, how when I was younger I wished to grow up and be pretty and for boys to love me and I thought it was an impossible dream, the only thing that would make me happy. And then I grew up and stayed skinny and got pretty and boys became the easiest thing in the world and all of the dreams I thought I had came true, but I’m still not happy. It’s like opening the biggest box on Christmas morning just to find out it’s empty. I’m empty now, even more than I used to be. I’m so guarded that I don’t even know how to let people in anymore, I get so lost in my own headspace that I don’t even know the way out. And still, even this, with not a picture of me available to see or any followers to see it anyway, I’m still talking about being pretty. I’m halfway obsessed with it and halfway obsessed with hating myself for it.

[sparklypsychotic-blog]

I watch a lot of TV. Like, a lot a lot. It consumes a lot more of my time than it really should, because there’s just something about getting wrapped up in the lives of people who aren’t real and aren’t me. I have a lot of feelings about the TV I watch, so that’s what this blog is about. Me, and all the hours I spend with my television avoiding my life and my depression. Really, TV is just a way for this blog to take focus so I maybe work on it for more than two days. When I watch TV, I’ll write about it. Even if it’s old, even if it’s little known or weird or unpopular. And when it takes a personal direction or whatever else, I guess that’s fine too. Anyway, here are the shows that I frequently watch and may write about:

Game of Thrones

Shameless

The Challenge MTV

Orange is the New Black

Pretty Little Liars

American Vandal

American Horror Story

New Girl

Degrassi

The Office

Insatiable

Riverdale

Always Sunny

Parks and Rec

Weeds

The O.C.

Shark Tank

Silicon Valley

Top Chef

Some of these will never come up on the blog again, and there’s more shows that I love that my terrible memory has forgotten. This list is mostly to show how much time I spend watching TV, and why I made this blog to write about it. Sometimes I’ll write about movies too, when I do switch over to one for a change, not that it happens often. Anyway, stay tuned.

[sparklypsychotic-blog]

I’m doing this again except I’m starting over. I don’t know what’s different this time from all the other times I’ve said I would blog successfully and I dropped it. Maybe it won’t be different. It’s hard for me to follow through on things. I’m always running out of things to say or too focused on making my posts likable, making people want to see them. I’m still worried about dumb fucking people who’ve followed my tumblr since high school, because I don’t want them to see these posts and see how pathetic I still am. Sure, I’m prettier and less awkward now, but I’m still that weird girl who gets too sucked into TV and my own loneliness. And maybe no one else needs to see that, just like no one needs to hear the rest of the shit that goes on in my head, either. I guess that’s why I’m starting over, so this blog can be for ME without me having to worry about who might see it, even though the logical part of me knows no one cares anyway. It’s fucked up really, with the shit I do it seems crazy that I would sitll care about anyone who saw my tumblr and what they thought of it. That goes against everything I am, I’m known for my total lack of shame and disregard for other people’s opinions of me. I do what I want, always have. Always will. Maybe it’s not that I care too much, maybe it is, I still can’t decide. I just need a clean slate if I’m going to do this for real. ANyway, this blog is about TV.