speakonitj

[speakonitj]

[speakonitj]

1/23/24 ~ 12:58 am

sometimes i think if i sit really really still i’ll disappear.

i want to disappear, from all of your memories, all of your thoughts, all of your morals, all of your characters

i want to disappear from your memories.

i want to disappear from you.

i want to disappear.

i don’t want to feel you see you be near you.

i don’t want to feel you.

i want to disappear.

disappear me from your memories so i can be whole.

disappear me from your memories so i may be.

disappear so i may disappear too.

disappear me from your memories so i can be free.

disappear.

disappear me, please.

for there is no despair in the depths of disappearance.

..---

- “𝕛•𝔸”

[speakonitj]

holding for jongin: day 447 of 641 ↳ EXO KAI photographed by Samuel Bradley for Gucci's The Performer | December 2019

[speakonitj]

soft asks to get to know people

what song makes you feel better?

what’s your feel-good movie?

what’s your favorite candle scent?

what flower would you like to be given?

who do you feel most you around?

say three nice things about yourself (three physical and three non-physical).

what color brings you peace?

tag someone (or multiple people) who make you feel good. 

what calms you down?

what’s something you’re excited for?

what’s your ideal date?

how are you?

what’s your comfort food?

favorite feel-good show?

for every emoji you get, tag someone and describe them in one word.

compliment the person who sent you this number.

fairy lights or LED lights?

do you still love stuffed animals?

most important thing in your life?

what do you want most in the world right now?

if you could tell your past self one thing, what would it be?

what would you say to your future self?

favorite piece of clothing?

what’s something you do to de-stress?

what’s the best personal gift someone could give you (playlist, homemade card, etc.)

what movie would you want to live in?

which character would you want to be?

hugs or hand-holding?

morning, afternoon or night?

what reminds you of home (doesn’t have to mean house… just things that remind you of the feeling of home)?

[speakonitj]

8/2/24 ~ 11:51 PM PST

if i didn’t know any better id think my life wasn’t a life at all.

a series of woe is mes w/ random elevations of sense of self.

twists and turns of suicidal ideation. a playlist of brokenness.

no end in sight. random streams of bliss AND…

here. the next day. just still here and it’s still like this.

and im still here, with this, like this, just like this.

- “𝕛•𝔸”

[speakonitj]

My flesh, my home 🦪 🫧

[speakonitj]

i see why drugs are so popular now.

~

[speakonitj]

“j•A speaking”

6:37 am - 9/20/23

there it is again. that feeling. that feeling feeling. the kind of feeling that feels felt.

anxiety. the rush and breeze lag for a few moments, days, maybe weeks but then…anxiety.

she welcomes herself in and…well, anxiety.

every worry welcomes itself all at once. not so you can’t catch your breath. no. no. no. no.

you’re here. you belong here. what the fuck is this?

a trap, a cycle, a blow in the wind, a tumbling tumbleweed.

i’m t—…nvm it’s repetitive.

- “𝕛•𝔸”

[speakonitj]

8/14/23 ~ 1:21 am | “i mean…”

i mean i guess it makes sense if i stay here but not really.

i mean i guess it makes sense if i keep trying and end up nowhere.

i mean i guess what am i fighting for.

i mean i guess what i guess.

i mean i guess. …

i guess?

i don’t think imma make it to the end of this year.

and that’s MY choice. …

that felt a little too loud.

now i’m thinking about what you’ll think about when you read this. …

now i wanna know what you think when you read this.

but i also don’t.

but i do.

this is why i dont think ill see it.

i

just

can’t.

..---

[speakonitj]

7/6/22 ~ 1:03 am

idk. i hate that i even say idk.

everything is an “over-analyzation” or a “misinterpretation.”

can i be normal? will i have a normal moment? when is the last time i’ve been normal? can i recall?

im starting to get sleepy again.

everything is starting to feel like slow motion again.

everything is starting to feel like four walls.

not the ones i welcome, where i shine bright. the ones that safely close me in.

im scared. im scared im nothing more, i’ll be nothing more.

im just this. there’s nothing more for me. my light’s run out.

sadness comes and goes.

but when it comes…

she takes her spot and fills every space.

filled with every inch of you.

every memory.

every let down.

every lie.

every misguidance.

every hello.

every misdirection.

every smile.

every loss.

every i love you, every piece of you i am filled.

all i can feel is you.

the only time i can feel you is when i’m in pain.

my joy left with you.

so here i am left

with just you.

..---

[speakonitj]

“My father had his own special chair that nobody else was allowed to sit in. We were taught that he was holy and spoke for God. During a blessing he might kiss me on top of the head, and that was like wow. But there were no ‘I love yous’ in our home. On Friday nights we’d go to his synagogue, and my favorite part of the service was a song called Lecha Dodi. It means ‘Come My Beloved,’ and it’s a love song to God. My life was so devoid of affection, that song was like water in the desert for me. I was raised to be the wife of a rabbi. Nobody checked my homework, or cared about my grades. When I told my mother I wanted to go to college, she threatened to call the psychiatrist. That was the beginning of my rebellion. I left home and started working as a cleaning lady. I had no community, nothing. I’d only ever known a world where God is male, and our leaders are male. I was so vulnerable. I ended up getting raped. There was a lot of trauma. And at the same time I was dealing with this great sense of spiritual loss. It was actually in a support group for ex-orthodox where I learned about Romemu. My friend said: ‘I know everything Jewish is toxic, but give this synagogue a try.’ The service was held in a former church. And the first thing the Rabbi said was: ‘We welcome every one of every faith, or no faith.’ His name was David. He was a wounded healer. He’d also grown up Orthodox. He’d been abused as a child. ‘Some of us have been traumatized by God,’ he said. And I needed to hear that. Because in that moment I felt so broken. Most adults get to be evolved versions of their childhood self. But my childhood was a severed path, a foreign country. Nobody from there wanted to talk to me. Everything that once seemed holy, now seemed cruel. But David provided an access point to God that wasn’t toxic. He taught the same texts, and same parables. But his interpretations were different. More tolerant. More progressive. During that first service we sang ‘Lecha Dodi.’ I closed my eyes. And I had this vision of myself as a child, singing in my father’s synagogue. It’s almost like the two of us were singing together. We finally had permission to exist at the same time.”

[speakonitj]

8:50pm - 9/21/21

im genuinely not strong enough for this.

no one in their life should have to feel this way.

today is the day everything hurts.

today i wish i wasn’t black.

today i wish i wasn’t gay.

today i wish i didn’t love.

today i wish i never grew up.

today i wish my parents just thought of me as a mistake.

today i wish to die.

today i accept that i no longer want this life.

today i let go.

im not broken.

there are no pieces.

i am shattered.

please kill me.

[speakonitj]

9:36 am ~ 8/24/21

im not strong enough to welcome death this early.

trust me i’ve tried.

my heart gives and is tired.

do i not deserve a reward for standing in my suffering?

are you saying this is my fault?

are you saying this is my doing?

is it really my narcissism?

is that who i am?

it’s always been about me?

it’s always been about me.

how can that be and i still feel lonely?

i gave in hopes of returned love.

was i wrong?

was that a mistake?

if you won’t kill me then how long shall i suffer?

why haven’t you ended my pain?

why haven’t you done what you said you would?

why have you also forsaken me? or was it me who left you first?

where am i?

who am i?

what am i?

i don’t know.

..---

[speakonitj]

Cchingo_

[speakonitj]

Serena Williams photographed for Teen People, 2000

[speakonitj]

Charmer  –  Jvzmina X Art

[speakonitj]

10:00 am ~ 8/22/21

i’ve lived in sadness.

i’ve lived in fleeting joy.

i’ve lived in fear.

i currently live in anger.

you know the glass house just down the road.

abandoned lookin lil thing, right off of highway hell.

oh it’s ok don’t feel sorry for me, i’m coming to learn.

this is it. this is my life:

chaos

imbalance

distrust

pain

isolation

death.

everything has an expiration date in life they say, even your heart.

so i cut it out. salted it for “in case” preservation & laid myself to rest.

hallow is where i need to be; so when the glass house falls there will be nothing of value lost inside.

..---