specklesofdust

[specklesofdust]

March 11th, 2025

I am currently 22 weeks pregnant and had my ultrasound a few days ago and they said that baby Nova ITS a GIRLLL (that is the name that has been chosen for this blessed being :) is currently 1 lb and 1 oz and perfect.

Amanda finally moved out of my apartment on March 1st and I feel such a sense of peace now. I can't believe she was so selfish and didn't pay me for rent for 3 months and lied to me about not having money when she paid over $675 a month to go on yoga retreats but I am glad that I finally have her out of my life for good tbh... she said she would pay me back whenever she gets her own place but I trust that as much as i trust her which is 0% but would love to have the $1500 she owes me if she decides to be a person that has any caliber of character...

either way i am so glad that i have my own apt to myself again because trying to basically live with Nnamdi on top of having her hoarding ass take over my space without paying was super fucking stressful for me.

i broke things off with Benjamin in December probably like a week or so after i last posted on here bc i couldn't handle the imminent guilt i felt and i really have been trying to make it work with Nnam becuase i have been feeling like that is the right thing to do deep down in my heart and also Ben is a fucking coke dealer and an alcoholic lolol not a good combo but bless him anyways and honestly he gave me the best presents ever and made me cum more than anyone else has but with his hands (his dick is so small i cannot even tbh)

As far as Nnam goes...we fight at least 1-3 times a week... he still goes out and drinks and does coke and deals coke like 3-4 days out of the week and I think I am finally at the end of my rope with his repeated maladaptive behaviors at this point in my life...I have given him so many fucking chances to consistently change dude and he just proves that he doesn't really give a fuck time and time again...He claims that he is love with me and that he feels like this is forever with me and that he wants to live with me but he has not shown any interest in moving out of his house that he has been leasing from his ex gf for the last 10 years whilst living with Jesse the 46 yr old Australian who has such a serious coke and alcohol problem that he literally had a pulmonary embolism this last year and is on Eliquis... Nnam also has a gambling problem and it gets heightened whenever he is drunk and yacked out and he literally pawned off his x-box twice this month and his car got repoed from his house less than 2 weeks ago and has asked me to loan him money probably 5-6 times during our relationship and it takes him a month to pay me back so i have stopped agreeing to loan him anything any more bc he just goes out and gets fucked up right after i lend him money....Nnam has been there for me i.e. making meals for us and has tried to be sober for several days in a row but the longest amount of time he has not done coke since we have been together these last 10 months is the 5 days he stopped bc he had a drug test for his new job... like he does NOT WANT to stop drinking copious amounts of alcohol, he does not WANT to stop doing cocaine all the time and he does NOT want to stop dealing cocaine to his 2+ customers weekly and I have tried everything in my power to try and motivate, encourage, and inspire him to do better and be better but at this point he has started to cause me more stress than relief and that is not healthy for me and this baby that is growing inside of me...it makes sense why his first baby momma left him and took his 3 daughters back to New Orleans and even though i see so much greatness in him, his darkness and this evil cloud of disease is overshadowing the light in my life and it's been reiking havoc on my overall sense of well being to the point where it is adding significant amounts of stress and anxiety to my life.

I feel like the only friends I have here these days are Kayla, Simone, Lia, and Jess, and Samantha tbh and the only one I truly hang with consistently is Kayla and bless her for going to my appointments with me and listening to me and always being there. I love Belle but she barely responds to me and I typically always have to make the effort with her and the other past friends I have like Ashley and Amanda and Hanna have proven to me to be more Mean Girls/superficial party girl friends than supportive sisters and i would rather be alone than feel lesser than around people like that. As far as the the most supportive people in my life during this transitional process goes, it would have to be Kayla and my coworkers tbh.. they have been fucking wonderful and so encouraging and kind and generous to me.

My lease is up May 31st and I am due on July 14th so I have a lot of life changes to make in the next upcoming months.. definitely trying to find a 2 bedroom place (preferably a house) with a yard and space for me to feel like I have privacy for me and my new baby.

As far as Nnam goes...i guess i will just have to keep my distance from him and actively pray for his health every day and get him to pay child support whenever that time comes because this baby is undoubtedly his 100%... sometimes i wish i could just have a miscarriage and be done with all of this stress having to deal with him being the father and be able to have the freedom to plan my life as a single woman and get fucked up out of my gourd again (i have so many dreams where i get fucked up and rage like 3+ nights a week it's wild) but then i look back on those times in my life and realize that i was so unstable and sick and unhealthy and this is the most clarity i have ever had in my life and certainly the most sober i have ever been so bless sweet little beautiful Nova and what our future holds. She is going to change the world and I am going to be a wonderful mother i just HAVE to keep manifesting this power of positivity and the magic of mindfulness so that i can establish the best foundation for our futures.

They say that when you have a baby it is a love like you have never known before and that your entire life will change for the better, forever and i know that all of these intense times currently will be worth it when i bring her into the world. I just have to be strong and safe and stable and serene

[specklesofdust]

12-17-2024

It is currently 7:37am and i am working on the geriatric unit currently with 2 fever blisters on my lip watching a chris stapleton music video called i think i'm in love you and crying because wtf is my actual life right now. I have my first ultrasound tomorrow and kayla faye aka satya is so kindly going with me since Nnam told me "it's YOUR journey" plus he has to work and doesn't have any more PTO but i need to stop kidding myself he is NOT supportive of me and this pregnancy no matter how much i want it to happen i can't convince him to be supportive of me and the more that time goes by and the more that we get into fights and the more that he gets fucked up and stays out late and tells me how this is a bad decision and tells me how i am not gonna be a good mom it pushes me away from even wanting to be around him. I have been seeking refuge with benjamin lately more than ever and he has been more than supportive of me tbh and wants to be with me and has been kissing my belly and he actually got me a birthday present and has been unwavering in letting me know how much he cares about me but he also has a lot of life stuff going on aka not being sober and being a supplier of recreationals in these streets....idk this is a very conflicting time for me and i feel more alone than ever but maybe this is one of the most challenging times for me for some unknown reason that will be wonderful in the end i dont fucking know. I am really also hurt by manman's inconsideration of my current life situation as well...asking to not pay rent for december, january, and february like wtf dude i told her that my lease is up in april so she will be out by march bc i want to be able to have my OWN space to myself and she has literally taken over that entire apartment and barely said thank you once and i am basically mourning our friendship at this point because her true colors have shown throughout this process and i just don't have the time nor energy to put forth towards relationships that aren't copacetic. i need to start focusing on wtf i really want and need and if that requires me to be by myself then so be it. the future will relay the truth.

[specklesofdust]

8 weeks pregnant

it is currently December 3rd, 2024 @ 7:32am

I am at work at Parthenon right now on the geriatric unit starting my day. This past weekend I was in Georgia visiting my dad and his wife and stepdaughter and visiting my mom in Alabama and relayed to both of them that I am currently pregnant and they both took it pretty well tbh.

Pete Matthew is super supportive and is looking into jobs in Nashville and is possibly going to move up here which would be dope

I have my first ultrasound on December 18th and when I asked Nnamdi if he could be there, he responded with: "This is your OWN journey" .... he is not supportive of this pregnancy and thinks that it would be an unwise and irresponsible decision to have a child right now but he should have thought about that before he fucked me repeatedly without a condom and came inside of whilst stating: "You want a baby?Are you ready to have a baby?" ughhhhhhhhhhh

I have been praying and meditating about this and if this baby makes it to full term and wants to be in this world then so be it.

[specklesofdust]

November 12th, 2024

I am currently 5 weeks and 1 day pregnant with Nnamdi's baby

He is upset about it, but it's not like he doesn't remember saying: "You want me to cum inside of you? You ready to have a baby? You ready to have a baby?" and we have been together since May 28th, 2024 (minus being apart for a collective of like a week and half when i blocked him...lol) and i have already had an abortion from carrying his child in June and vowed that i would not have another one of them again bc that was like my 4th one and he knew that. He has been an array of emotions since I told him ranging from accusing me of taking advantage of him one night to showing me family albums 2 nights later... I don't know it's a lot but I know without a doubt that I am going to continue with this pregnancy no matter what shit people say or do because i feel like it needs to happen. I am nervous and anxious but not scared if that makes any sense.

I have officially been sober (minus duder) and not even smoked cigarettes for 7 whole days now and it feels great and I am going to keep it up. It has been pretty difficult dealing with Nnam's shit though now that i am sober. He gets fuckin drunk and yacked out like....a lot.... i would say he was fucked up at least 4 out of the 7 days last week and it's unfortunate and disheartening and frustrating and worrisome and concerning and hurtful tbh but I know he has a disease but now I am really reassessing my life and my motives and priorities and am just hoping and praying that he gets his shit together soon because otherwise i might have to do this on my own if he's going to continue this sad sick cycle... It has also only been a week since he has found out and I have 35 more weeks to go.

I love him and feel like we could do this shit together but I also have been hanging out with Benatarius since we first met at Hubba Hana introduced us in September and he recently told me that he is in love with me. He actually told me that he is in love with me last Tuesday when I told him that I am pregnant.... shit is wild tbh and it is a lot but what is enough man? I don't know I feel like I need to see this through with Nnamdi especially considering the fact that I am carrying his child and recently met his lovely mother and brother and nephew and have never ever spent so much time with another living being in my life like i have with him and not gotten completely sick and tired of him it's kind of wild tbh... but he has been annoying me lately now that I am totally sober and pregnant. Please tumblr gurus, if you are out there, please pray for me.

Sincerely,

-AAT :)

[specklesofdust]

8-28-2024

I am currently at work right now and i think i am pregnant...yet again. I started my period last month on 7/29/24 though so maybe its just that time of the month again but i also took 2 plan Bs back to back within the last 2 weeks as well and my nipples hurt so....

It would definitely be Nnamdis babe and i told him that if i am pregnant with his child again that i am not going against nature this time and not getting an abortion again and he just responded with this within the last hour...

"My dear. My stance has not changed. Which is why I insisted upon the birth control. If you choose to go down this problematic path that's up to you honey. We are in no better place than before. This is why I've been so stressed I knew you were getting there and I know want this to be a thing even though I absolutely disagree. Couldn't sleep last night. I'll talk to you later. I need to focus"

man he is grown with 3 kids already he knows how his dick works and if you're aware enter if you dare sir...

we shall see what happens.

[specklesofdust]

August 22nd 2024

It is currently 7:18am and I am in Chattanooga taking a visit away the fuck from Nashville with NJM right (nnam) and we just had a very real convo about how I don't need to fuck anyone nor should I so I can protect my power and save my strength for what matters the most and that's what I have been trying to do for the last 12 years which is try to help heal and it's almost been 13 years in October it will be. Immediately when we walked in some dude in a black truck circled our parking spot and then was tailing us when we got to our room and I watched his hand shoo him away and then he said he had to go outside and wanted to go by himself so he could "see around' and I get it dude....I am not the one nor will I ever be and one of the most divine and true beings that I have seen recently on the units of the universe advised me to not fuck with someone like him bc he can have as many as 12+ relationships at a time and he can use voodoo on me and will use me to whatever their will and they will break my heart without Me recognizing what is happening...he has more than made that apparent but I wanted to gtfo of Nashville and I should have just gone to LA to see Michael and record in his studio but I feel like there is a reason why I'm here still and I must be fucking strong these next few nights.

[specklesofdust]

June 11th, 2024

I have been hanging out with Nnamdi every single day for the last 15+ days and I can rightfully and wholeheartedly say that I am completely falling in love with him. He has asked me when we are gonna get married like 4 times already and for once in my life I ain't mad at it ;)

[specklesofdust]

5-25-24 @ 4:46pm

I am sitting here on the senior treatment psych unit at parthenon pavilion working a 12 hour shift and got the keys to MY VERY OWN 2 bedroom place in east nashville off shelby avenue and have been realizing a lot about the people that i have been hanging with and the ones that i removed myself from. It has been 15 days since i moved out of reggies place and i have blocked both him and erica because their whole enabling dynamic has become incredibly toxic for me and my life. the last text she sent me was fucking mean and extremely fucked up for her being a lawyer...she is sick as well and very caught up in reggies web of manipulation and i have to keep remembering that but GOT DAMN CANT PEOPLE JUST LEAVE ME ALONE...I was crying at the bar the other night around Amr when i ran into him at cobra after i was traumatized by hanging out a jens watching her and emil be full blown junky crack heads and when i ran into amr recently he and OG ashley my old roomie were flirting at cobra and she was day drinking and talking about Judson non fucking stop since he dumped her and amr was like "yeah the last time i saw abby she was crying in my arms it was hilarious" and then ashley was like "oh yeah i do think i remember you telling me about that amr hahaha" like WHY THE FUCK DO I HANG OUT WITH PEOPLE THAT ACT THAT WAY. They obviously do not give a fuck about me jesus christ what is wrong with this devil forsaken town full of high schoolers with adult habits. I am going to keep practicing peace, block the haters, and just surround myself with people that can help me on my healing journey because i am sick and fucking tired of the negative energy and its just pulling me away from my fullest potential at this point. I am proud of myself for everything that i have accomplished thus far and MUST keep vaildating and encouraging and celebrating myself through these processes.

[specklesofdust]

5-16-2024

I am currently apartment and kitty sitting for my homegirl sarah and am super proud of myself for purchasing my very own guardianite necklace (the last 2 necklaces that I bought I ended up giving away to angel and cool hand hayes mama) and I vowed that I would keep this necklace this time for me and to protect my own energy and since i have bought this necklace 2+ weeks ago I broke up with Reggie, I went to visit tess, and I placed a deposit for my own 2 bedroom place in East Nashville off Shelby avenue and im supposed to move in there on May 24 in a week. I got diagnosed with Chlamydia on 5-1-24 and have taken all the antibiotics prescribed but am def gonna get re checked next week to make sure it's fully out of my body bc lord knows how long it's been dormant in my dwelling for...but yeah aside from that infection i am pretty fuckin proud of myself right now and I am extremely excited for my future

[specklesofdust]

3-29-2024 @ 6:33pm

Today marks my first orientation day on the actual parthenon floor 4 unit that i had today for my new nursing gig and i fucking love it thus far. Today I went to 2 different group therapy sessions with my patients and danced, played soccer, sang in the sunshine, and made art work with them and they called me "Miss Hollywood" and "Miss Jazzy" :) I had a very long emotional real raw and completely necessary conversation with reggie last night and into this morning about my habits both regarding substances and sex within the last 2 years that he and i have been falling in love with each other and I really appreciated his honesty and his concern and his input about all of it and i do trust him when he said that he has never fucked jen and has been trying to love and support me even after i fucked him over and left him for literally like 3-4 other dudes when i was involved with him. i have a wonderful feeling about my professional future and regarding whatever wonders me and reg continue to pursue together. He has truly shown me unconditional love and i am now able to recognize how rare and real that is. No matter what happens i will always love him and be forever in awe of these moments

[specklesofdust]

march 26, 2024

I had my first day of orientation for my new gig at P.P. yesterday and start my first actual day on the unit today in a few hours. I am lying next to reg and counting my blessings for being able to better support myself in the future financially and also generally speaking..i have been working at the pub since October and it has been a great place to transition during these seasons of recognition and my car is clean and thats great and i miss my family and i miss having girlfriends to hang out with and i am ready to start this new voyage professionally i just must remember to be good to myself along the way

[specklesofdust]

11-24-2023

i started my period today and I am on a plane back to Nashville from Chicago bc William the chef flew me out there to hang with him over the holidays and have had a great time i just wish I wasn't still in love with Reggie but I can't really help that I don't think but I can control it i expose myself to him and I am going to continue to not engage with him I was doing a great job not talking to him at all from July up until October man... Until he showed up at funk night and he knew what he was doing and he was also wearing a cryptic looking ring on his pinky that turned out to be "jenny the ketamine queens ring that she was about to throw away one night when she was fucked up" and her phone contact is in all caps in his phone and she was the most recent

Oh yeah and I quit my gig at St Thomas in July and have been working at the pub off Riverside as a bar back for the last two months and really like it actually

[specklesofdust]

6-22-2023

on 6/17/23, I ran into Reggie at Cobra and completely ignored him like the demon of despair that he is and he then proceeded to get his friend to try and follow me outside of the bar and i was able to bypass his spy and get away from them to another bar across the street before they could see me and then my roomie ashley texted me at like 4:23am that morning stating that Reggie showed up at our door pounding on it psychotic and drunk demanding to see me and when she told him i wasn’t there he started yelling fuck you bitches i do whatever i want! and he walked across the street continuing to scream.... i have blocked him on everything except email and gave him a verbal warning that if he were to ever be anywhere near my place of residence again that i was going to call the cops so i really fucking hope that never happens again. I feel terrible that he scared ashley like that and i know she is now more than ready to have me move out which i am totally cool with bc i am fucking tired of paying now $1125 a month to live in a house that smells like cat shit all the time... i love her and appreciate her hospitality but naw i am over that cost of living for that kind of climate. I had a long talk with Gator after all of that happened and after his psycho ex gf called me and told me he had just been hanging out with her for the last several days that i called him with him not answering and she relayed that he has been lying to her and she saw my number on his phone when he was asleep and decided to call me and see who i was and had tons and tons of very personal questions about me and gators relationship. once he called me back finally he and i met in person and i told him what she had said and he called me out for hanging out with reggie and him at the same time and told me that he could smell reggie on me and he still let me into his house because he loves me and is tired of me giving my time to reggie who doesn’t give a fuck about me obviously and that i deserve more than what i have been experiencing and he came forward about his ex lauren and him hanging out recently and we both agreed that we would see each other exclusively and plan on moving in together now and potentially starting a family. he gave me the keys to his place and said i can stay there since it is a safer place for me right now since reggie doesn’t know where that is but then again jen knows where gator lives from a couple of months ago when she and i were still friends and she came over to hang with us one day. I have never been so close to hating another human being as i do with jen and reggie right now but i am  going to have to not let these reactive rages ruin my optimism... they are both evil and always will be evil and will never change and i need to just accept the fact that misery loves company and shun them from any synapse that i have. it will take time but it has already nearly been a week since that bullshit happened and i am doing markedly better already. i just don’t know if living in this city any more will be beneficial to my betterment tbh...

I felt a lot of comfort about the new plan with gator for the last couple of days when he was in town but then he left on tour for PCB this afternoon and will be gone for like 4 days and then he gets back into town for like 1 night and then he will leave again on another tour for another week after that... idk what to do man... the promises he makes and the way he tells me he loves me and supports me and wants to be with me and me only are very beautiful but when he promises me he won’t leave me, he is then literally gone for days and weeks at a time? ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh what am i doing with my life?|!

my supervisors just gave me another written warning about my attendance and i literally cannot be late or call out at all anymore or else i am fired... i am tired of working here on night shifts and i really just want to get another job where i can work in the daytime and have better pay and better support but why would i get another job in this forsaken city of sadness again when i could be looking for other options elsewhere? 

Idk what to do man...i guess i am just going to keep working here until i can formulate a better plan and i will see what happens with gator within this next month. i feel a lot of great things with him and i really love how much he loves me and how kind and forgiving and unconditionally supportive he has been with me even when i have been an evident slut in front of his face, but he has also been exposed with his sketchy ways and is a fucking touring musician who is in town maybe like 38%-72% of the time max and i will require way more presence from a partner in the future forreal, especially if we actually do get serious about starting a family because i will be damned if i am pregnant and alone in a city that i have grown to despise.. the shit isn’t very assuring right now in my soul...

i am going to auburn this weekend for tess and joshes engagement party and this will be the first time i have been back to my hometown in over a year i think. I am praying that i gain some clarity while i am there regarding what i should do with my life and it will at least be nice to get the FUCK out of Nashville even if just for a couple of days. 

I feel so alone right now. i don’t feel like i have any real friends here any more and the ones i thought i did have have either become evil entities, snobs, gnarly alcoholics, or fare weather fiends. 

i need to pray and meditate and sleep and exercise and drink water and remember who the fuck i am who i want to be and how i can become that to the best and fullest of my ability. I am tired of being thrown in the crossfire and change needs to happen sooner than later 

[specklesofdust]

may 17th 2023

i found out some really fucked up and dauntingly devastating and drastic dreary news within the last month 

basically was brought to the realization that jennifer and reggie have been fucking each other for lord knows how long and i have a strong hunch that they both murdered dave her ex bf. i should have known that she was going to try and be ultimately attracted to anyone that i have shown love towards bc she is a snide little kniving jealous cunt tbh and honestly one of the most selfish people i have ever met in the entirety of my existence and same goes to reggie. he is a selfish pimp who acts like a preacher and has been trying to infiltrate my life by fucking as many of my homegirls as possible. i think that he enjoys having white women below him bc he literally thinks that white women are beneath him... either way i called both of them out and reggie of course just threw a bunch of shit and stormed out of the his apt and came back like 3 hours later drunk and yelling at me so hard that even his own dog was defending my honor... jen just said “i have nothing left to give to you. it feels good and we aren’t gonna stop... is it really this easy to get away with murder? and then she beat mackenzie up or tried to but mackenzie is scappy and ripped out a bunch of jens hair so she can get all twisted in that bullshit and jen told me it was bc she saw mackenzie flirting with gator this dude she set me up with when in reality gator and mackenzie have had a thing going on for a while and jen wanted to beat mackenzie up bc mackenzie fucked reggie too. good luck to you reggie for fucking around with jens crazy ass bc that is called karma. also....if jen thinks that she is the alpha bitch...she has not met erica yet then because i am team erica all the way bae bae. i hope that erica checks jennifers ass bc its about damn time that someone does. that bitch prevented me from going to donnies funeral bc she woke me up from the couch slapping me in the face bc she thought her bf at the time was trying to hit on me in my sleep.... fuck that bitch bc she was the one trying to take things from me this entire time and she even told me that she will always be jealous of me on this last PCB girls trip we had and that is a sure fire sign to stay the fuck away from that spawn forever and if she or reggie see me in public, they should probably most definitely not engage with me. fuck him man and fuck her and i am finally okay with being able to say fuck those motherfuckers and they are gonna get whatever is coming to them because their intentions are not good and they are selfish and liars and murderous villains. I am so sick of being interested in men who are literally just liars who act like little boys when their truths are exposed

i have decided that i am finally going to move the fuck away from nashville by july hopefully... this town is literally boring to me now and that last little drama with jen and reggie and mackenzie and whoever the fuck else he has tried to put his nares into and whomever else willfully allowed him to, they are not good people are it just reminds me of how foolish i was to trust people that i was being a good friend to but i will not be discouraged i just keep on getting stronger and harnessing my power and i have no space for anything but grace these days. 

any other type of evil can motherfucking PHUCK AWF 

oh and also.... i started my period and regular cycle again on may 11th officially... yayyyyyy jen asked ashley to ask me for the abortion pills she leant me after our dramatic PCB trip when i found out shes been fucking reggie for lord knows how long and how ironic... hopefully she figures all of that shit out forreal though but ya know what? fuck that bitch. fuck him. fuck their fucking and fuck yes to me because i am back in cycle with my sync and the haters are all just sad and ego bruised devoid dungeons of despair and i really just don’t have time to care if they are there. 

BOOOOM 

[specklesofdust]

4.20.2023

Here i sit at work on the ortho floor where i have been working night shifts for the last 2.7 months. I took abortion pills that Jen was so kind enough to lend me that she bought online and i took them about 2.5 weeks ago and i really hope that i am no longer pregnant because i am in no way capable to be carrying a child inside of me right now with my emotional, financial, and spiritual state right now. 

I am basically depressed right now in my life 

i am bored and i am tired and i am trying to figure out what to do with myself and my future

as long as i am no longer pregnant and as long as i did not get re impregnated in the last few weeks then i really need to start planning for my future endeavors 

i am a nympho i am pretty positive but i am totally okay with figuring out how to be abstinent because ironically enough i was sex free for over a month before i got pregnant.... i must figure out that i am no longer pregnant and this may take a couple of more weeks to figure out unless i want to go to an emergent clinic to get my blood drawn and get an ultrasound done. then once i figure that out then i need to start saving money and deciding my next moves

i am 33 years old and obviously of child bearing age and quite fertile lol but the question is.... do i want to have a child right now? no. because who tf would i choose as the father? reggie? moonstar gator? justin alexander from roar? 

no no no

i need to fix myself and then maybe my future king will align with the stars in my strange yet spectacular stratosphere

i really hope that i am not pregnant again though dude because that would be the third time in less than a year and i can’t keep doing this to myself, my body, my mind, and my soul. 

peace out. 

[specklesofdust]

march 22, 2023

here i sit at work at st thomas midtown on the joint replacement floor working my new night shift job. I started working here around 2/6/23 and i like it alright thus far. the staff is great, i just hate working night shifts man... it really fucks with my circadian rhythm and overall quality of life but maybe i will be able to transfer to day shifts after working here for a few months

I am depressed i think 

i don’t have many friends here in nashville anymore that are very positive influences on me these days to be honest, and i don’t know if there are various factors contributing to this or not... 

I started my period this month around 3\3\23... 

I had sex with that guy named Stu on 3/10 and it was whatever... his junk hurts me and bangs against my pelvic floor and i can tell he has some p significant alcoholism and a potential temper so i am prob gonna say that was the last time he can hang with me intimately....

I had sex with  justin the trumpet player for ROAR within the last month we have had incredible mind blowing sex twice with the best kisses i think ever known to anyone and he came in me both times... the last time we had sex was 3/16 and 3/17....i really really fucking like him man....definitely barely know him but i like what i am learning thus far

I also had sex with fuckin bradley again the morning of 3/18 without a condom and I swear to god he better have not gotten me pregnant a third fucking time dawg.....he was super fucked up on drugs and alcohol and it seemed like he never came so fingers crossed that he did not...like i literally told him i was stopping the sex bc i was hungry thats how long he was saying: “Come on baby keep going just like that yeah yeah yeah almost there”... to the point of me basically having lock jaw so i am thinking and praying and wishing that he in fact did NOT cum in me.... I am going to send him an insta DM message about it just in case. 

I feel like i am potentially getting pregnant right this very second but I won’t know shit for at least another week..... AHHHHHHHHHHH why do i keep doing these things to myself got damnit 

[specklesofdust]

2-2-23

I am sorta maybe feeling like I’m kinda pregnant Af rn