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[specklesofdust]

3-29-2024 @ 6:33pm

Today marks my first orientation day on the actual parthenon floor 4 unit that i had today for my new nursing gig and i fucking love it thus far. Today I went to 2 different group therapy sessions with my patients and danced, played soccer, sang in the sunshine, and made art work with them and they called me "Miss Hollywood" and "Miss Jazzy" :) I had a very long emotional real raw and completely necessary conversation with reggie last night and into this morning about my habits both regarding substances and sex within the last 2 years that he and i have been falling in love with each other and I really appreciated his honesty and his concern and his input about all of it and i do trust him when he said that he has never fucked jen and has been trying to love and support me even after i fucked him over and left him for literally like 3-4 other dudes when i was involved with him. i have a wonderful feeling about my professional future and regarding whatever wonders me and reg continue to pursue together. He has truly shown me unconditional love and i am now able to recognize how rare and real that is. No matter what happens i will always love him and be forever in awe of these moments

[specklesofdust]

march 26, 2024

I had my first day of orientation for my new gig at P.P. yesterday and start my first actual day on the unit today in a few hours. I am lying next to reg and counting my blessings for being able to better support myself in the future financially and also generally speaking..i have been working at the pub since October and it has been a great place to transition during these seasons of recognition and my car is clean and thats great and i miss my family and i miss having girlfriends to hang out with and i am ready to start this new voyage professionally i just must remember to be good to myself along the way

[specklesofdust]

11-24-2023

i started my period today and I am on a plane back to Nashville from Chicago bc William the chef flew me out there to hang with him over the holidays and have had a great time i just wish I wasn't still in love with Reggie but I can't really help that I don't think but I can control it i expose myself to him and I am going to continue to not engage with him I was doing a great job not talking to him at all from July up until October man... Until he showed up at funk night and he knew what he was doing and he was also wearing a cryptic looking ring on his pinky that turned out to be "jenny the ketamine queens ring that she was about to throw away one night when she was fucked up" and her phone contact is in all caps in his phone and she was the most recent

Oh yeah and I quit my gig at St Thomas in July and have been working at the pub off Riverside as a bar back for the last two months and really like it actually

[specklesofdust]

6-22-2023

on 6/17/23, I ran into Reggie at Cobra and completely ignored him like the demon of despair that he is and he then proceeded to get his friend to try and follow me outside of the bar and i was able to bypass his spy and get away from them to another bar across the street before they could see me and then my roomie ashley texted me at like 4:23am that morning stating that Reggie showed up at our door pounding on it psychotic and drunk demanding to see me and when she told him i wasn’t there he started yelling fuck you bitches i do whatever i want! and he walked across the street continuing to scream.... i have blocked him on everything except email and gave him a verbal warning that if he were to ever be anywhere near my place of residence again that i was going to call the cops so i really fucking hope that never happens again. I feel terrible that he scared ashley like that and i know she is now more than ready to have me move out which i am totally cool with bc i am fucking tired of paying now $1125 a month to live in a house that smells like cat shit all the time... i love her and appreciate her hospitality but naw i am over that cost of living for that kind of climate. I had a long talk with Gator after all of that happened and after his psycho ex gf called me and told me he had just been hanging out with her for the last several days that i called him with him not answering and she relayed that he has been lying to her and she saw my number on his phone when he was asleep and decided to call me and see who i was and had tons and tons of very personal questions about me and gators relationship. once he called me back finally he and i met in person and i told him what she had said and he called me out for hanging out with reggie and him at the same time and told me that he could smell reggie on me and he still let me into his house because he loves me and is tired of me giving my time to reggie who doesn’t give a fuck about me obviously and that i deserve more than what i have been experiencing and he came forward about his ex lauren and him hanging out recently and we both agreed that we would see each other exclusively and plan on moving in together now and potentially starting a family. he gave me the keys to his place and said i can stay there since it is a safer place for me right now since reggie doesn’t know where that is but then again jen knows where gator lives from a couple of months ago when she and i were still friends and she came over to hang with us one day. I have never been so close to hating another human being as i do with jen and reggie right now but i am  going to have to not let these reactive rages ruin my optimism... they are both evil and always will be evil and will never change and i need to just accept the fact that misery loves company and shun them from any synapse that i have. it will take time but it has already nearly been a week since that bullshit happened and i am doing markedly better already. i just don’t know if living in this city any more will be beneficial to my betterment tbh...

I felt a lot of comfort about the new plan with gator for the last couple of days when he was in town but then he left on tour for PCB this afternoon and will be gone for like 4 days and then he gets back into town for like 1 night and then he will leave again on another tour for another week after that... idk what to do man... the promises he makes and the way he tells me he loves me and supports me and wants to be with me and me only are very beautiful but when he promises me he won’t leave me, he is then literally gone for days and weeks at a time? ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh what am i doing with my life?|!

my supervisors just gave me another written warning about my attendance and i literally cannot be late or call out at all anymore or else i am fired... i am tired of working here on night shifts and i really just want to get another job where i can work in the daytime and have better pay and better support but why would i get another job in this forsaken city of sadness again when i could be looking for other options elsewhere? 

Idk what to do man...i guess i am just going to keep working here until i can formulate a better plan and i will see what happens with gator within this next month. i feel a lot of great things with him and i really love how much he loves me and how kind and forgiving and unconditionally supportive he has been with me even when i have been an evident slut in front of his face, but he has also been exposed with his sketchy ways and is a fucking touring musician who is in town maybe like 38%-72% of the time max and i will require way more presence from a partner in the future forreal, especially if we actually do get serious about starting a family because i will be damned if i am pregnant and alone in a city that i have grown to despise.. the shit isn’t very assuring right now in my soul...

i am going to auburn this weekend for tess and joshes engagement party and this will be the first time i have been back to my hometown in over a year i think. I am praying that i gain some clarity while i am there regarding what i should do with my life and it will at least be nice to get the FUCK out of Nashville even if just for a couple of days. 

I feel so alone right now. i don’t feel like i have any real friends here any more and the ones i thought i did have have either become evil entities, snobs, gnarly alcoholics, or fare weather fiends. 

i need to pray and meditate and sleep and exercise and drink water and remember who the fuck i am who i want to be and how i can become that to the best and fullest of my ability. I am tired of being thrown in the crossfire and change needs to happen sooner than later 

[specklesofdust]

may 17th 2023

i found out some really fucked up and dauntingly devastating and drastic dreary news within the last month 

basically was brought to the realization that jennifer and reggie have been fucking each other for lord knows how long and i have a strong hunch that they both murdered dave her ex bf. i should have known that she was going to try and be ultimately attracted to anyone that i have shown love towards bc she is a snide little kniving jealous cunt tbh and honestly one of the most selfish people i have ever met in the entirety of my existence and same goes to reggie. he is a selfish pimp who acts like a preacher and has been trying to infiltrate my life by fucking as many of my homegirls as possible. i think that he enjoys having white women below him bc he literally thinks that white women are beneath him... either way i called both of them out and reggie of course just threw a bunch of shit and stormed out of the his apt and came back like 3 hours later drunk and yelling at me so hard that even his own dog was defending my honor... jen just said “i have nothing left to give to you. it feels good and we aren’t gonna stop... is it really this easy to get away with murder? and then she beat mackenzie up or tried to but mackenzie is scappy and ripped out a bunch of jens hair so she can get all twisted in that bullshit and jen told me it was bc she saw mackenzie flirting with gator this dude she set me up with when in reality gator and mackenzie have had a thing going on for a while and jen wanted to beat mackenzie up bc mackenzie fucked reggie too. good luck to you reggie for fucking around with jens crazy ass bc that is called karma. also....if jen thinks that she is the alpha bitch...she has not met erica yet then because i am team erica all the way bae bae. i hope that erica checks jennifers ass bc its about damn time that someone does. that bitch prevented me from going to donnies funeral bc she woke me up from the couch slapping me in the face bc she thought her bf at the time was trying to hit on me in my sleep.... fuck that bitch bc she was the one trying to take things from me this entire time and she even told me that she will always be jealous of me on this last PCB girls trip we had and that is a sure fire sign to stay the fuck away from that spawn forever and if she or reggie see me in public, they should probably most definitely not engage with me. fuck him man and fuck her and i am finally okay with being able to say fuck those motherfuckers and they are gonna get whatever is coming to them because their intentions are not good and they are selfish and liars and murderous villains. I am so sick of being interested in men who are literally just liars who act like little boys when their truths are exposed

i have decided that i am finally going to move the fuck away from nashville by july hopefully... this town is literally boring to me now and that last little drama with jen and reggie and mackenzie and whoever the fuck else he has tried to put his nares into and whomever else willfully allowed him to, they are not good people are it just reminds me of how foolish i was to trust people that i was being a good friend to but i will not be discouraged i just keep on getting stronger and harnessing my power and i have no space for anything but grace these days. 

any other type of evil can motherfucking PHUCK AWF 

oh and also.... i started my period and regular cycle again on may 11th officially... yayyyyyy jen asked ashley to ask me for the abortion pills she leant me after our dramatic PCB trip when i found out shes been fucking reggie for lord knows how long and how ironic... hopefully she figures all of that shit out forreal though but ya know what? fuck that bitch. fuck him. fuck their fucking and fuck yes to me because i am back in cycle with my sync and the haters are all just sad and ego bruised devoid dungeons of despair and i really just don’t have time to care if they are there. 

BOOOOM 

[specklesofdust]

4.20.2023

Here i sit at work on the ortho floor where i have been working night shifts for the last 2.7 months. I took abortion pills that Jen was so kind enough to lend me that she bought online and i took them about 2.5 weeks ago and i really hope that i am no longer pregnant because i am in no way capable to be carrying a child inside of me right now with my emotional, financial, and spiritual state right now. 

I am basically depressed right now in my life 

i am bored and i am tired and i am trying to figure out what to do with myself and my future

as long as i am no longer pregnant and as long as i did not get re impregnated in the last few weeks then i really need to start planning for my future endeavors 

i am a nympho i am pretty positive but i am totally okay with figuring out how to be abstinent because ironically enough i was sex free for over a month before i got pregnant.... i must figure out that i am no longer pregnant and this may take a couple of more weeks to figure out unless i want to go to an emergent clinic to get my blood drawn and get an ultrasound done. then once i figure that out then i need to start saving money and deciding my next moves

i am 33 years old and obviously of child bearing age and quite fertile lol but the question is.... do i want to have a child right now? no. because who tf would i choose as the father? reggie? moonstar gator? justin alexander from roar? 

no no no

i need to fix myself and then maybe my future king will align with the stars in my strange yet spectacular stratosphere

i really hope that i am not pregnant again though dude because that would be the third time in less than a year and i can’t keep doing this to myself, my body, my mind, and my soul. 

peace out. 

[specklesofdust]

march 22, 2023

here i sit at work at st thomas midtown on the joint replacement floor working my new night shift job. I started working here around 2/6/23 and i like it alright thus far. the staff is great, i just hate working night shifts man... it really fucks with my circadian rhythm and overall quality of life but maybe i will be able to transfer to day shifts after working here for a few months

I am depressed i think 

i don’t have many friends here in nashville anymore that are very positive influences on me these days to be honest, and i don’t know if there are various factors contributing to this or not... 

I started my period this month around 3\3\23... 

I had sex with that guy named Stu on 3/10 and it was whatever... his junk hurts me and bangs against my pelvic floor and i can tell he has some p significant alcoholism and a potential temper so i am prob gonna say that was the last time he can hang with me intimately....

I had sex with  justin the trumpet player for ROAR within the last month we have had incredible mind blowing sex twice with the best kisses i think ever known to anyone and he came in me both times... the last time we had sex was 3/16 and 3/17....i really really fucking like him man....definitely barely know him but i like what i am learning thus far

I also had sex with fuckin bradley again the morning of 3/18 without a condom and I swear to god he better have not gotten me pregnant a third fucking time dawg.....he was super fucked up on drugs and alcohol and it seemed like he never came so fingers crossed that he did not...like i literally told him i was stopping the sex bc i was hungry thats how long he was saying: “Come on baby keep going just like that yeah yeah yeah almost there”... to the point of me basically having lock jaw so i am thinking and praying and wishing that he in fact did NOT cum in me.... I am going to send him an insta DM message about it just in case. 

I feel like i am potentially getting pregnant right this very second but I won’t know shit for at least another week..... AHHHHHHHHHHH why do i keep doing these things to myself got damnit 

[specklesofdust]

2-2-23

I am sorta maybe feeling like I’m kinda pregnant Af rn

[specklesofdust]

1-21-2023 @ 2:39am

I just wrote this and I am very proud of myself

Yeah I was like “girl I have been there and done that too many times to wanna remember to count in the past, yet I’m facing it, alas… I reacted too fast for a moment to last. Felt far more empty after having sex with plenty. Plenty of old boys who treated me like toys. Plenty of young men calling me their sweetest sin. Some wouldn’t even greet me if they saw me outside, their driving force is ego, self deprecating pride. held my head down high as they muffled out my cries when I was sucking up their lies just to cover a demise. my secret alibis are hidden in my lullabies. I used to run away at night cuz I didn’t wanna fight for something that I knew was never ever really even right. It nearly destroyed me from within and then I found myself, again. Ignited by my light. My souls strengths truest might. I don’t need no Dick tonight ” 😜😝 now the next step, sobriety. It’s the chosen path for me

[specklesofdust]

Jan 20 2023 @ 11:42pm

idea: don’t forget this one please AAT

make a musical masterpiece comprised of the different colossal collections of songs that you have inspired your exes to create and then produce cosmic covers all of them and call it the album of a-reckoning: a montage of muse-aics 😝

warren

Scott

Tony

Tyler T

Babak

Reggie

and the list goes on..but that’s a few to list for starters 😜

[specklesofdust]

12/17/2022

I ended up breaking up with Christopher Time man... he has that baby mama drama and also his relationship with Kelli is just too close to feeling very similar to the bullshit I dealt with regarding Eviean and Holland and I am NOT trying to relive another situation in which I am feeling like I am lesser than due to the complexity of the relationships of others. I still need to get my good wood staff from his place but that can happen next week if need be. 

Fredrick came back into town from touring overseas for the last 4 months and he told me that he “missed me tremendously” repeatedly and asked for me to join him on his cruises this upcoming year and told me that he has already asked the cruise line about potential nursing opportunities for me there and he said he would help me get a new passport since I lost mine a few years ago and he is expected to leave on his next cruise contract some time in January within the next month and I am totally down to go on a 7 day cruise with him in January and/or february as a getaway and also a potential new professional role because I cannot keep living in this town that is continuously becoming more and more boring and encouraging me to become more and more fucked up in an effort to forget that I don’t want to remember in the first place...

I had a convo with Dwight this evening/early this morning after we got back from Skyler’s bday party that I invited him to in which he proceeded to become heavily intoxicated but anyways... he said he did not want to be in a relationship right now because he has several things in his life that he needs to personally work on and he thinks that I need therapy and that I need to stop throwing temper tantrums every time things do not go my way and that he thinks that I am unable to tell myself the kind things I tell him... I don’t know he kind of hit me with a lot of heavy harsh shit at once and I really do appreciate it but also I wanted to be like: “why have you been trying to hang out with me so much lately and why have you told me you missed me when we weren’t hanging out and why are you so lovey dovey towards me nearly almost all the time we hang around each other? did you just want to see if you could potentially get my interest and then push me aside like your plates of blow you are through with? idk it was annoying and rude tbh yet appreciated at the same time.... 

I need to stop investing my hope in males because they are not the solution to my futures happiness and i do know that i am becoming more fertile and considering that i have had such recent pregnancy scares within these last couple of months, i need to be mindful of every move 

My father comes into town to visit me for a couple of days for the christmas holiday within the next few days and i am nervous and excited to see him. I want to introduce him to Douglas and Michael and Ashley my roomie and that will probably be about it. I am tired of feeling like I am in slowly moving quick sand here and I need to overthrow the evil empire of these inpatient facilities involved with human trafficking and using the transportation vehicles of the Salvation ARmy as hubs and also taking advantage of older womens properties that are being involuntarily committed against their wills and using churches i.e. Church of the First Born in rural TN as a covert cruel circle. 

and then i need to GET THE FUCK OUT OF THIS TOWN 

[specklesofdust]

12-6-2022 cont...

So they called... and... my hcg levels they drew yesterday resulted in 4 

meaning I have just been miscarrying from that tony/brad s incident 

and I am not pregnant 

[specklesofdust]

12-6-2022

I had my hcg levels drawn on 12/1/22 and the levels were 26. 

Meaning.. I was theoretically 2 weeks pregnant then  and/or miscarrying still from when I thought I was preg between either tony or bradleys baby and clumps started falling out on 11/15/22 

I had my blood drawn yesterday on 12/5/22 and am awaiting the call from the Advanced Women’s Health Clinic about my results

Me and Christopher H. are awaiting this call and he has been super fucking supportive of me throughout this entire experience 

I told him “happy one month anniversary!” last week when we found out I am basically pregs lolol 

Super Sagittarius Soulmate Shit I suppose...

I really like Dwight a lot too but idk man...he gets pretty fucked up but there is also something about him that I just cannot help but adore and he knows all about my current situation and is still wanting to hang out tonight after work 

idk what to do.... Christopher and I both said we should “flip a coin” about what to do with this potential baby dragon that is currently living inside of me and then he said “you really are my other half for saying let’s flip a coin about it” lololol 

I have been having haunting ass dreams of Holland and Eviean lately and I really hope all of that fucking goes away because I am so wanting to be over that toxic segment of my life. It kind of makes me sad though bc I recently realized that Rita stopped following me on social media and blocked me on her phone within the last month when she and I have been great this entire time... weird.  

[specklesofdust]

11-16-2022

happy birthday Paula J I am pregnant

or at least I was showing double lines 6 days ago and still have a faint one with another one this morning even though I’m sloughing off sums of cells in crimson shells currently aw wells

I have an appt in forest park ga Tom at 10:30am and I will make some seriously sick music along this journey I can feel it

at least both Tony M and B Sativa supported me in the financial way

neither of them have asked how I was doing today and they don’t even know I rescheduled the appt that was supposed to be today, for tomorrow

I’m glad that I am making the decision to destroy this demeaning drear unfortunately

what a shameful feeling it is to want to diminish something that was magical enough to flourish an existence in my emptiness

I was able to purchase some seriously sick sacred stones today from my friend Brian that I met at the flea market years ago when I was helping LK with her setup. He was speaking about the purple flame igniting during the awakening of Aquarius and the importance of the blue stones as well as the amozonite (so?) and also rose quartz and jade and another purple stone that begins with a c as well as another stone I will edit in Later lol I’m a little Duderfied

I have been hanging with Braditarius Hartley quite often lately and I really dig his divine spirit and calming gnarly vibes

he’s the squid

Douglas Huggie dougie is in town right now staying and creating at Michael music man’s place and they spoke with me last evening about the pirate play that D just recently received funding for and I have been deemed as a main member in this creation with the chosen title of “Queen of the Mermaids”

I am crunk

I need to get myself my own banjo asap fasho

[specklesofdust]

sweet Douglas York texted me this today on October 9, 2022

There really is no one in the world like you. Beautiful. Intelligent. Energetics. Caring. Complicated but simple in your strategy to serve society on all levels. I cannot compare you to any one in my vast circle of friends. You are unique. You are you. And you bring me such deep joy.

[specklesofdust]

October 5th, 2022

Within the last 48 hours Reggie has sent me these emails (due to me blocking him to have access to me on any other social forums due to his concerning behaviors towards me recently)..

  He sent me this email on Monday October 3rd, 2022 @ 9:54pm.. You always act like your shit don’t stink u talk to me like I’m done butch ass Nigga for no fucking reason  I just don’t take your shit or any of your addict friends shit so u punk mithafuckas cry when someone checking yo sorry asses! You’ve done so much damage u think I’m beyond my limit with all of you mothafuckas! Call me crazy you gotdamn right now stay the fuck out my way! I gave u waaaay to much of my love u u great full hypocrite u got real issues of reality and say every Man U deal with us nuts when u do the worst shit any women should be doing to her own self! I don’t like none of u mofuckas drama filled people and bring the drama create the drama and u run your real friends like me away and drive us crazy but it’s not no fault of yours! U toxic evil unfair jealous for nothing cheating lying sneaky ungreatful white Fonky bitch keep my name out yo mouth too liar Sent from my iPhone

Then he sent me this email on Tuesday October 4th, 2022 @ 1:04pm..... I really am I was gone!! And high as fuck I really was trying to go away to avoid any of that the best I could. Tell your friend as well. I got my place I’m headed to pay the security deposit now. I went to sleep after while didn’t have a good night or enjoyed the shrooms! You’ve gotta believe me. I promised  I wouldn’t do that . Those drinks and shrooms had me all fucked up and I really didn’t wanna be there at All! But it’s whatever man I’m always the bad guy no matter what is going on. That’s getting old too. There was no winning last night I literally was gone had an Uber right there and y’all wouldn’t let up and I literally says it’s not a good idea at ALL! But evil man I am again. I deserve sane shit that u get when u fuck up Abby. I love you hope u forgive me in time and come back to me please?? Sent from my iPhone

[specklesofdust]

September 9th, 2022

I am currently typing this entry at work this morning. it is 10:44am 

I moved again over this last week.

That will make this the 4th time I have moved within this year thus far... I moved out of my fully furnished 2 bedroom duplex i rented out for the last 2 months and into OG Ashley’s pad off McFerrin Avenue which was the ultimate goal to begin with so I am super stoked to be living with just her with that bedroom covered in windows that faces the incredible badass backyard. I am super stoked about that. It is time for me to transition into a goddess galaxy pad of power and out of the cycle of intermittent relationship loops of living loving learning and leaving that i have been repeating for far too long. 

William helped me move and was super kind and then became super clingy and started making me feel anxious and was sobbing uncontrollably yesterday when i told him that i am not in the place in my life right now to commit to anything but trying to be my best self on my own as a single entity. I drove Reggie B back to erica’s the other night after only seeing him for maybe an hour after he got back from visiting in Kansas City. Erica literally blew my phone up looking for him within that one hour we were hanging out and it became blatantly apparent that being involved with him romantically is a slippery and suspect slope that i do not want to further divulge into especially with this romantic triangle occurring and his lability and his moodiness and his fucking temper hell no fuck all of that i will send him friendly feelings from afar. 

I went to meet up with Brad S the comedian that same night i met up with Reggie B 2 nights ago to give Brad a bday present and he told me that if i wasn’t planning on going home with him then I shouldn’t have bothered coming out to the bar to meet him at all and that really stung and it was totally necessary because it helped me realize what his truest intentions were with me, temporary satisfaction. whatever man that is shitty. I also met with Tony Martinez for the very last time recently within the last 5 days and it was more than evident that he does not give a shit about much of anything except his ego, his future fame, and his family and the family part i am all about but i accdientally left my hat there and when i asked him to give it to Brooke to give to me whenever she and i hang out next and he responded with: “YEah Fuck your fucking hat I will feed it to the fucking dawgs stay the fuck away from me forever I never want to fucking see you again” so that was also very eye opening and helped me add yet another bullshit boy to the list of losers that I do not want to involve in my life ever again except through praying for peace for them from afar. I also realized that I have not allowed myself any time to really know who I am by myself for myself with myself and i want to be able to give myself space for grace in my own new place and make this new move a transition of epic evident change that will catapult me into the future of powerful progression. I need to move out of this city after this winter so i don’t keep running into my old flings and wrinkled out romances and lessen the likelihood of me choosing to hang with people who party instead of of partake in positivity for the holistic healing realms. It is eviean’s bday next week and this will be the first year that I have not given him a gift nor been with him romantically in the last 4 years and i am super happy about it and proud of myself for finally opening up my heart and closing my doors to that part of my life. 

It is time to trek through the trepidation and traverse to triumph.

-yes maam yes maam