spectre-shitposts

[spectre-shitposts]

*In the Normandy Mess Hall*

Shepard: All right boys, I'm heading out.

Thane, drinking tea: Where are you going, Siha?

Shepard: To either get Ice Cream or Commit a Murder, I'll decide when we get there.

Thane: ...this has to do with the mint chocolate chip shortage, doesn't it?

Kaidan, popping out from medbay: Is it back in stock? Can I come with?

Grunt, running down the hallway: THERE WILL BE MINT CHOCOLATE CHIPS THIS DAY?!

Garrus, still calibrating: Spirits, you people and your flavored cow lactate.

[spectre-shitposts]

Shepard: Huh, my neck is turning red.

Garrus: Spirits, I hope it's not an allergic reaction. Is it itchy?

Shepard: Nah.

Garrus: Are you hot?

Shepard: *strikes a pose to show off their waist* I don't know... what do you think, Big Guy?

Garrus: ...

Shepard: Oh hey, look at your neck-

Garrus: Let's not! Let's focus on your neck!

Shepard, smug: You like my neck that much?

Garrus: afjdjlhkdgfkjkk

[spectre-shitposts]

*planning a trip to the zoo*

Shepard: "I'm gonna pet the giant Palaveni lizards."

Ashley: "I don't think you're allowed to do that, Skipper."

Shepard: "Technically no, but we're gonna break in."

Ashley: "Wh- Why would we do that!?"

Shepard: "To pet the lizards. Were you not listening?"

[spectre-shitposts]

Nihlus: i brought you something.

Saren: I do not want anything.

Nihlus: *holds up a kava latte* ...you sure?

Saren: ...

Saren: This doesn't mean I like you.

Nihlus: what if i also brought- *holds up dextro doughnuts*

Saren: *pupils dilate* Hnn. I will consider the matter further. After breakfast.

Nihlus: uhuh. thought so.

[spectre-shitposts]

Shepard: I like hugs. I even hugged a Vorcha once.

Wrex: You've never offered to hug me.

Shepard: ...

Wrex: ...

Shepard: ...do you... want a hug, Wrex?

Wrex: *scoffs* No, but you could have asked.

[spectre-shitposts]

Shepard: Sometimes... I dream of what it could be like when this is all over.

Kasumi: Don't lie, we all know you don't sleep. :)

Shepard: ...you've been in the vents again, haven't you?

Kasumi: ...

...maybe.

[spectre-shitposts]

Liara: I need some serotonin.

Tali: *stands up*

Tali:

Tali: *sits back down*

Tali: I forgot what that was. I wanted to go and get you some.

[spectre-shitposts]

Everyone, absolutely everyone, about the Reapers: They're too powerful! Too fast, too smart, too big! We're doomed, we can't kill them!

Shepard: Well not with that attitude you won't.

[spectre-shitposts]

Miranda: What are you doing up this late?

Shepard: I-

Miranda: Five words or less.

Shepard:

Shepard: Out for a walk.

Shepard:

Miranda:

Shepard:

Shepard: …Bitch.

[spectre-shitposts]

Miranda: Commander, do you have a moment? EDI has brought something in your personal notes to my attention.

Shepard, raised eyebrow: You still spying on me, Lawson?

Miranda: No... as I said, EDI specifically asked me to speak with you.

Shepard: Hmmmm.

Miranda: It's a safety concern...

-

Meanwhile, Shepard's personal log:

- kill them with fire

- quest log updated: mosquito genocide

- acid solves many problems?

- found one. nice -144 pH, yeAH baybee

- also option: time travel and tanerite

[spectre-shitposts]

Shepard: It's a little muggy out today.

Garrus: I swear to NANUS if I go outside and all our mugs are on the lawn I'm leaving you.

Shepard: *sips hot chocolate out of a bowl*

[spectre-shitposts]

Shepard: Chakwas says I need to start making better life choices, like eating healthier food and drinking less alcohol.

Garrus, watching them sip coffee with two shots of vodka in it: Really.

Shepard: ... this doesn't count, it's like the cleanest alcohol you can get.

Tali'Zorah, nodding: It's true.

[spectre-shitposts]

Nihlus: can you do me a favour?

Saren: I would literally cover up a murder you committed, plant my DNA at the crime scene, and take the blame for it if you asked me to.

Nihlus: so i'm supposed to attend this children's charity event, but i have a mission...

Saren: ...

Nihlus: ...

Saren: No.

[spectre-shitposts]

Shepard: idk lately I've been waking up and choosing violence.

The crew: We've noticed.

[spectre-shitposts]

Aria T'loak Go fuck yourself, Shepard.

Shepard: Fuck me yourself you coward.

[spectre-shitposts]

Shepard: what do you mean choose of course I'll-

Starchild: you could become a reaper

~later~

Shepard: (as a reaper) what's up guys

[spectre-shitposts]

Miranda: Commander, why are you on the floor?

Shepard: I'm depressed.

Shepard: Also, I tried to hug Jack and she stabbed me. Can you get Chakwas please?