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why do I hear the clock ticking? is this the end? am I going to die eventually?

okay that's great. I don't have any energy left to fight it. I'm going to die with all of the people laughing at me.

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huh

I’m doing something very wrong you say, well, what if I say no girl want her man defend a woman that is not her. You say it all the time you know, she is better than any of us girls. How should I stay calm after this. Be her chauffeur, be the damsel in distress savior, I don’t freaking care. Just don’t be with me.

If one goes another one would come eventually- if that’s your thing, it shouldn’t even matter if I go away.

You really know how to make me cry huh.

You really like to continue to do the things I hate huh.

It’s either your ‘friendship’ and close ‘sister’ with her or me.

If you don’t want a gf who doesn’t accept your female friends, then don’t have me at all.

I wish for my future bf to not be that close with another girl like that anyways.

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I’m doing something very wrong you say, well, what if I say no girl want her man defend a woman that is not her. You say it all the time you know, she is better than any of us girls. How should I stay calm after this. Be her chauffeur, be the damsel in distress savior, I don’t freaking care. Just don’t be with me.

If one goes another one would come eventually- if that’s your thing, it shouldn’t even matter if I go away.

You really know how to make me cry huh.

You really like to continue to do the things I hate huh.

It’s either your ‘friendship’ and close ‘sister’ with her or me.

If you don’t want a gf who doesn’t accept your female friends, then don’t have me at all.

I wish for my future bf to not be that close with another girl like that anyways.

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30 missed calls won’t make her go away from your life. I should be the one gone. A cycle that is never ending.

Leave me.

I want to leave you too.

I know you hate me now.

I’m selfish cause I just can’t take it anymore.

A. Please stop torturing me.

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oh, you call me to prove you are a nice guy. not happening.

pls go marry her and leave me tf alone. there's literally nothing for us to talk about. we don't like each other and that's it. nothing else to disclose anymore.

I have someone else I like as well.

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Guys, she was poly, I was like , what??

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me making an extremely personal vent post to my thousands of followers

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he's coming back. remember, he is not yours nor i am his. he will find someone he likes soon in lethbridge, then you have to stay blind. he hates your entire being so don't expect any talk backs from him. being friends is a fantasy. he doesn't want to be your friend anymore. you just be with yourself and focus on those gpa. your gpa needs to be higher than 3 and that should be the main target. he is not worthy to be you boyfriend or any sort.

whatever you did was bad, Really Bad. you thought you were being the smartest one in the crowd, but girl, you have no idea how things work in real world. you are a slutty whore, so better not be attached with any men, it's for your own good. don't talk about him, your studies matter more than anything. don't go out and have fun. you'll have plenty of fun when you are older. being suicidal makes you not to think for future. don't do that. if you can live, make your future better. don't let that boy win in life. it's a secret war with the future. you want to see the better of it.

REMINDER

HE DOES NOT WANT YOU BACK IN HIS LIFE IN ANY WAY

HE DOES NOT LIKE YOU

[spesphire]

REMINDER

HE DOES NOT WANT YOU BACK IN HIS LIFE IN ANY WAY

HE DOES NOT LIKE YOU

[spesphire]

You act more boyfriend-y with her than with me

You can face the ‘couple’ allegations with her but not with me. You like when people joke about you and muntaha but hate when they make you and me a thing. That action speaks volume. Don’t worry, there’s no ‘us’, there never was.  

I was delusional for thinking you liked me. Real delusional shit right there. I thought you cared enough for me to not hurt me. My first instinct was right. You were a jerk. I take the full blame to make you think I’ll stay when a man jokes about cheating. Thanks to you, I hate myself even more. But that’s okay, at least you made me realize life is just fine without a man. 

I’m doing a favor for you. You can date girls have many opportunities and decide your future. 

Remember when you went everywhere with her, feed her, talk about your future with her, you can feel she’s the more great friend of you than me. She can be your special friend.

She is not like other girls and you like het soul and her as a person. That’s super. Quick tip, don’t let your future partner hear all this.

On the bright side, she likes you.

She told her family and friends about you, she really loves you. I just simply don’t want to interfere any relationship even if I die. 

Valuing our friendship, sure, then don’t you dare flirt with me.

Your life is hard, so is mine. I don’t want you near my life if I think you are complicating it. I’m far from you, I am helping you by staying myself out of your life. I think you’ll agree to that. I don’t mourn for your loss, I mourn for what I’ve done. Sometimes, no, most of times I regret the decisions I made for you. It was cringe and totally not worth it.

You can go to the mall with Muntaha but not with me. Let me do you another favor. I won’t even hang out with you anywhere. You and Muntaha can chill together, me and Aahana will be more than fine together.

At first I hated breaking your three people group for aahana. Then I realized, she was taking me out of you and Muntaha’s thing. She was protecting me. I should’ve listened to her. 

You and Muntaha sync so well. Okay fine, maybe you two are not a thing, but I can say you have a certain taste. I’m the total opposite of it. So I’m way out of the picture.

I remember what you told me on call on the day before my birthday and at Calgary. All these information seemed like excuses and for what? You had the chance to say yeah, let’s end this. The amount of times you told me you are leaving for Calgary and you’re not coming back, you don’t say a word to those to Muntaha or Aahana, your closest friend.

Imagine this scenario, I’m leaving for Canada, I remind my close friend orpa time to time that I’m leaving for Canada and our friendship can break, we can’t talk to each other anymore. Obviously she will create her distance from me if she is told the future bad happening with us. Nobody wants to be associated with the bad thing.

Just like that, if I hear heartbreak and breakup, I’ll even question my friendship with you. It’s the same way you keep reminding me of Calgary and separating paths. There’s nothing for us in future, we can easily stop everything really easy. 

Good thing we only experimented with each other like lab products. It will help us in future in our separate paths. Science of exploration and experiment is a great thing. You always learn something from it.  

I don’t wanna be anybody’s backup plan. It’ll be so easy to get the amount of girlfriend you want. But it’s really disturbing to hear this stuff again and again and again and again. Even if you don’t say it, you imply it a lot too.

I still remember calling you after my breakdown and you said it was okay for me to come at mall. But become mad at me because  Aahana and Muntaha could find out about us. I could sense your hatred and disgust. I wanted to stab myself to death with the mutual hatred. You never gifted me anything, all those empty promises about movies and 

I remember vividly you not getting me any birthday gift. 

You wanted to play the question answer thing a lot with me. I had a lot a question in my head. But I couldn’t word it out. 

why were we doing that? Just for fun and games? Did we liked each other?

Did you actually ever liked me before?

How many times you questioned yourself why you were there with me?

How long you wanted to keep me as your so called side chick?

Why are you so afraid to say you don’t want to continue things with me? (That would’ve hurt me less)

Why did you kept saying you love me when you clearly don’t love me love me?

Why you wasted your valuable time on me? Just because you were bored?

Why you brought muntaha in almost any slight flirty texts? ( I remember you telling me Muntaha uses 🤭🫣🤧 a lot. And occasionally 😉at Tahneen apu’s house. Come to think of it, you implied Muntaha liked you not-so-secretly so many times)

Why did it feel like you were lying a lot even when you said you weren’t? 

Why we even meet? Was it the devil who wanted me to suffer? 

Why did you kept saying ‘hey gf!’ If you’re going to see you’re not ready for a relationship anyways? (That’s some crime that deserves no forgiveness)

Why did you semi-proposed me in text and talk about breakup in the very day?

Why did you mention about Soumitro if you never like me like that anyways?

You said you were okay with me dating other people then why did you even get mad when I mention doing that in future?

Did you realize you broke multiple promise with me and I cried and cried but still kept my promise about being you friend?(which I planned on not keeping anyways)

Thank you for putting extra effort to make me hate love and relationship again. I really appreciate it. Now I remember more vividly how disturbing it was. 

As I’m writing this, I can tell how harshly I fell out of love, I wanted to love you, love someone but actually it never happened. We never loved each other. Maybe like and lust in some cases but never love. I remember telling you I fell out I’m planning my escape.

I am now disgusted by the thought of you.

I feel like a trash tbh. 

When you and Muntaha went on a date and snapped your bubble tea drink together like a couple, she went your house like a very nice friend she was, she was always with you technically. 

I made a mistake of talking about s. I shouldn’t have said that. I just wanted to talk about anything. I somehow landed on that topic. Because I overshare with the person I trust. A very bad mistake if I say. Rule number one of surviving is not trusting anyone. Sorry I 

I remember you texting to Aahana that you feel lonely in Calgary while I was in BD alone in my room NOT feeling lonely cause I was talking to YOU. That was just another hint our feelings wasn’t mutual. You are not my type, you give me the ick everytime I talk to you, I liked you enough to go back to you that one time. I would’ve easily dropped you. I don’t trust a man like you tbh. Your tastes are so cringe and bad. You should NOT feel sad that I’m gone. Curse me all you can but I saved myself from your bulshittery going any further. I deserve someone who will commit to me, not use me. I get it, you don’t wanna be the bad guy. Then I just had to do it.

The parallels of me talking to Emily on that night that I can’t be in a relationship indirectly and you talking to me at Calgary you can’t commit to me indirectly.

Huh. 

Well, what I was supposed to do with Emily?

the same thought goes from you to me I guess. I’m not a cool person. I’m a weird and socially awkward person who never talked to boys around my age. It’s not big of a deal. It’s just me being a girl makes me more like a man. Not so feminine. Another reason for you to not like me I guess. It’s better this way. I would be rather glad to not be with a person who doesn’t like me the way I am. I’m glad this awful thing happened between us. Now we’re both free and we can both find the right person. I can get over with you way too easily instead of being delusional.

Be happy it’s all over. We both have been a nightmare to each other.

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Maturity is learning to walk away from people and situations that threaten your peace of mind, self-respect, values, morals and self worth.

Unknown (via thoughtkick)

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rare aesthetic: deactivating Instagram again and again to pretend dead.

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I just couldn't fathom how I ended up in this situation of pain. I thought about it a lot but ya know, I blamed myself. then I blamed them, then blamed myself again. at this point I am trying to apologize to god that what I have done to them was unfair. they didn't deserve it. But in my defense, I never wanted to have that, whatever they were offering. I never wanted to be her girlfriend and I didn't want to be his "option" if he couldn't find anyone.

I knew what I was doing was wrong. one was breaking up with both of them. But for her case I felt guilty for staying with her. she deserved more than my psychotic ass. and as for him, we just crossed a line. I'll admit, i was soft for him, grew my feelings for him. But he didn't feel the same. he was, well, scared to be with me.

I am so happy to be with myself that if someone tries to ruin my peace, I cut them off from my life. that betrayal, that flight incident, that wrong doings that have been happening to me. I am so weak. I don't know how long will I have to bear it really. let me give you an example, well, of course it's not the same thing. imagine a doctor tells a woman she can't have kids, who never wanted to have kids in the first place. she will feel pain of course. I feel like God have told me I could never have the boy I like because, well, it is what it is. I cried, i never wanted to get tied down with a boy in the first place. but it's okay I think. people lives like that. i can live with it. i have plenty of time in the future. I can have a place that I can call home very soon. I am almost feeling homesick for the home I never had.

I still dream of that life, me beside a big window, sipping away coffee, watching the rain, reading a book, having enough wealth to relax. that's what I want. it feels closer and I don't want to die just yet.

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if he really loved me, he would've have came back for me, but he didn't.

I didn't lose anyone, even my virginity too, I didn't lose it.

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wishing myself a happy single life with good grades.

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