sphacelating

[sphacelating]

[sphacelating]

Another confession post: I feel the arguments about Andrew and Ashley being equally culpable as corruptive influences on each other are unfair and/or lack perspective. Even setting aside how Decay Part 1 showcased that Andy was flatly denied and castigated by Renee if he ever tried to distance from Leyley or pushback against her brattiness until he eventually gave up completely on even the subconscious level.

Like sure, Andrew is a chronic enabler, and an argument can be made that he subtly encourages her worst quirks both intentionally (deliberately picking verbal slapfights even though he claims to despise when they bicker, early instances of egging on petty mischief) & unintentionally (his default response to her tantrums is appeasement), but he’s rarely if ever the driving force in Ashley causing serious harm. She proposes malicious courses of action entirely on her own every time. She’d be exactly the same without him there, and if her worst excesses were toned down it’d only be because she didn’t have a larger body to hide behind if she got herself into a situation that poses legitimate physical risk to her.

I’d say the story also tacitly lectures against a reading where Andrew is the root of what’s wrong with Ashley: What is the single topic of all of his constant soul-searching, the issue that the Narrator is perpetually snarking about and raking him over the coals for? Andrew’s own, internal Moral Decay; his entwined lust & desire for murderous payback against Ashley, his barely restrained contempt towards other people besides her, his unconscious love of violence and growing habit of solving all his problems through killing to make himself feel big and strong. Him fucking up Ashley by spoiling her as kids is incidental and ancillary to the condemnation the narrative incessantly screeches for over the crimes he commits by his own hand, and as you yourself point out his admission of guilt on that front is framed as more wrong-headedness and/or abused person logic from him in that moment.

The only thing Andrew did wrong (specifically on the Leyley front) is not firmly curtailing her when there was still a chance of instilling a sense of ethics in her. And if we’re gonna advocate treating Ashley with kid gloves because she’s mentally ill (despite you posting multiple times disapproval of fan-diagnoses, a stance which is officially shared by Nemlei) then I don’t think it’s right or reasonable to hold Andrew culpable for not standing firm on that course of action when basically his every formulative experience aimed to actively beat the wish to let Leyley face consequences out of his head (some of the time literally).

It's complicated. I don't know if I'd call either a corruptive influence to the other, so in that sense I'd definitely make the claim that they're equally culpable.

What I will make, however, is the claim that the two of them will corrupt themselves without the influence of the other. I'm going to speak on Andrew first because you summed up Ashley rather well here, although I still have more to add.

Both of them were deeply fucked up people for a long time. In Andrew's case, it's somewhere between heavily implied and outright stated that what Andrew loves most about Ashley is the parts of her that reassure him; that give him permission to do whatever he wants. Even before three months of isolation with Ashley, he lusts after her, feels empty without her, and has violent sexual fantasies all of his own accord. Between that and the fact that he was fucking blushing when he heard Ashley's violent calls, it seems like Ashley's abuse of him (and others) gave him what he wanted: A convenient excuse (and valid reason) to self-victimize, Ashley's attention, the chance to defend and advocate for her (fulfilling his fantasy of being a good big brother), etc.

(I use that phrasing on purpose, btw. He didn't want the abuse itself, it just filled specific emotional needs he had.)

Andrew's mindset shouldn't be too far removed from how a lot of people who have had chronically abusive relationships think, although perhaps few of them feel comfortable framing it that way. Many abuse victims- especially ones who were victims from such a young age- have a very unfortunate tendency of building their emotional needs around what abuse gives them, which is part of why it's so hard to leave.

To name an example so people HOPEFULLY don't misconstrue what I mean:

Andrew needs to feel like a good brother and putting up with Ashley's shit is good person behavior to him. Defending her from other people makes him feel like a good brother, too, given his fantasy of being her protector.

She also gives him excuses to vent his violent tendencies, all the way back to episode 1:

"That's a lot of meat."

"Though, I mean….. Is it still illegal if we didn't kill the guy?"

They were on the same page all along, and his first concern was illegality. Many such cases repeat throughout the story, leading to the narrator saying the following:

Which feeds into the whole "Ashley didn't make him be anything he wasn't already" thing.

HOWEVER.

It's frankly victim blaming to judge Andrew for not enforcing boundaries on Ashley from a young age knowing what we know (retroactively apologizing to Andrew for that one. I'm sorry, my precious blorbo, I didn't know how bad it was). It's also accurate to say that she didn't "corrupt" him so much as enable him... in the same ways he enables her, although I disagree that fighting is part of that.

But what we do know, thanks to Decay pt.1, is that Andrew setting a firm boundary is good for both of them. So, you raise another very good point here with that in mind, because it's shown that treating Ashley with kid gloves is actually the worst possible thing someone can do for her. She NEEDS to be treated like an adult, taken seriously, have her merits (and, as an extension, the threats she can pose) be acknowledged and treated with the gravity they deserve, etc etc.

Treating her with kid gloves is the opposite of what she needs, because the moment she does any of that, she starts to feel out a new dynamic, self-reflect, and maybe even change!

Anyways Deltarune came out so that's gonna consume my mind for the next week or so, toodles.

[sphacelating]

it’s secret admirer anon . uuummmmm . i miss you

i wasn’t aware i had one. i’ll try to post more when life allows me a breather, someone’s gotta keep the tags alive.

[sphacelating]

On the topic of fics, do you think you’ll be writing more stories about Andrew and his thoughts?

sure thing, i write to de-stress and as a creative outlet. i’m not opposed to requests in the form of prompts/scenarios, either— it just has to be gravecest, specific enough to give me something to work with and in line with what i usually write. which is horror with sexual elements. i couldn’t write fluff for the life of me and aus aren’t my cup of tea.

[sphacelating]

Can I have the link to your fic? I saw people say It was good but I can't find it on your blog ;-;

sure, the post is right here.

[sphacelating]

this is such a huge pet peeve of mine, but seeing tcoaal fans call andrew “andy” (despite seemingly never calling ashley “leyley” when referring to the siblings in the same post), so, doing exactly what ashley does, really irks me. andrew as a character spends his whole arc insisting that he, as a person, is separate from andy and that andy no longer exists. his name in the game, unless he’s a child in flashbacks, is andrew. andy is a person who he relentlessly insists is dead and he detests the nickname, and we watch him correct ashley every time she calls him that— he’s deeply hurt and angry that she does not show him the courtesy of honoring his wishes about his own name that he wants to be called, that she’s calling him by “another guy’s name” even, yet you choose to refer to him as such in your posts regardless.

so, enlighten me. why do i see this so damn often? he’d hate y’all for that and it’s very much not 22 year old andrew’s actual name. it’s presented as a display of blatant disrespect on ashley’s part for andrew’s identity and personhood. that’s virtually the whole plot, the core of his character. so why on earth is he still andy to you people?

additionally, given how many trans tcoaal fans see this as a strong parallel to the experience of being deliberately deadnamed, a depiction of how painful it is to not be allowed to be your authentic self and instead forced to perform something for others who cannot love or accept you as you are, you may want to reflect on how this could be perceived especially by your trans followers who as a result, intimately relate to this experience.

[sphacelating]

there's a fine line between being wary of manipulation and becoming completely paranoid because you get very close to the realisation that pretty much all human interaction involves doing things we hope will lead to a result we like

[sphacelating]

do you think andrew counts as a case of gifted burn out kid?

yes, definitely.

he’s not your typical case that comes to mind when you hear “gifted child burnout”, he wasn’t born to successful overachiever parents or a child prodigy, but the phenomenon is certainly not exclusive to those with a trophy collection, diplomas or awards from competitions to show for their success in childhood. you don’t have to fit the definition of “gifted”. andrew was forced to be as capable and responsible as an adult when he was 8, told that he should be equipped to handle any problem with the ease and efficiency of one, then abused and punished when he couldn’t meet those expectations.

maturing so fast your mother may as well have birthed a grown man is certainly an exceptional feat. he did excel at parental duties for someone who’s a literal kid, at problem solving, identifying and preventing problems before they even required a solution, crisis and conflict resolution, predicting consequences, juggling ashley’s impossible needs while surviving despite constantly neglecting his own, placating and pleasing renee— the list here is long. any other potential that he showed as a child he was not allowed to pursue. any talents that he did have outside of these were worthless, unimportant wastes of time he couldn’t spare with so many responsibilities, low priority and low value. andrew himself was a low priority. but he was damn fucking exceptional at existing purely for the convenience and happiness of others.

gifted child burnout is the result of internalizing impossibly high expectations and external pressure to always outperform your peers, to be above average, exceptionally good, talented, strong, smart, better. even just struggling is half a failure, proof of mediocrity and inadequacy, and actual failure is even more impossible to accept when you’ve never been allowed to fail or make mistakes. it’s an unrealistic idea that you have uniquely great potential, then crippling fear of punishment or disapproval when you cannot reach it. failure to meet those expectations, whether these are ones you set for yourself or a cruel standard you’re held to by adults around you, fundamentally fucks up your self-worth and self-perception.

[sphacelating]

What pronouns do you use?

well, i’m male. he/him and masculine terms.

[sphacelating]

hhhiiiiiiiiiiiii again :3c

hello, anon that wants to be my friend. how are you doing?

[sphacelating]

@necromantizied

is that dumbass misinterpreting your post in the reblogs bothering you queen

[sphacelating]

i was appalled when the decay route required you to instead act like an out of character dumbass loser and choose mommy dearest’s olive branch over this side of andrew and burial. this clip sums up my reaction perfectly.

i just need to know if anyone else is as obsessed with the "I wish you wouldn't talk about her that way" line as i am because it literally hasn't left my mind since the moment i watched that scene

threating his mother with the cleaver, his expression completely void of any feeling for her at all, and defending ashley to boot.... living in my brain rent-free rn

[sphacelating]

[sphacelating]

the concepts "fiction is fiction, its not hurting anyone" & "when consumed by the wrong people, content romanticizing dangerous concepts can be harmful" & "you are responsible for your own consumption" can and need to be able to coexist

[sphacelating]

Hi there!

I actually think you and your wife are very cool persons! I mean- I really like each time you post because I always think I'm reading things Nemlei herself could have written so it's nice!! 🍀💚

(also omg i'm shy as hell so making tcoaal friends is difficult for me 😭, but i think you and your wife could be real nice and chill to talk to)

thank you for the kind words— there’s no compliment quite like being compared to nemlei herself. an honor, really.

i’m extroverted enough to compensate for others’ introversion and frequently told it’s easy to feel comfortable around me, even if you’re shy with new people. not entirely sure what it is about me, i didn’t write those friendship reviews. but there’s no need to be a stranger, oomf.

[sphacelating]

you’re a little intimidating but i want to be your friend so. bad. ;;

i’m not as intimidating as i always evidently seem to people who don’t have much of an impression of me past surface level. i’m only an ass if that’s the vibe i’m supposed to match from others. i can come off as standoffish and unapproachable but i assure you i’m easy to talk to when pursuing friendship.

[sphacelating]

thought i’d add my two cents to the “is andrew a sadist?” discussion going on from a sadist’s perspective. andrew displays very strong and consistent sadistic tendencies, but understanding those requires understanding what the source of that gratification is. it is, of course, power, and everything in andrew’s life revolves around it.

most tend to think of sadism as exclusively sexual and the plain polar opposite of masochism— which, granted, it often is for people whose sadism is limited to the confines of the bedroom. when it isn’t, however, i wouldn’t say that’s particularly accurate. sadism in the paraphilic sense is just a psychological association between sexual pleasure and seeing others in pain that develops gradually when you get off enough times to that specific stimuli. your brain’s reward system now associates it with the rush of dopamine you get when you bust a nut. congrats, you’ve pavlov’d yourself into a fetish. this is not more innate than jacking it to footjobs on the daily and then getting aroused when you see feet.

i can’t relate to the exclusively kinky flavor of sadism myself, and i wouldn’t consider people for whom it is only a kink true sadists. for people with a sadistic personality, the gratification is emotional, sometimes exclusively so with no sexual component to it, and even with that component, the sexual arousal is secondary. no matter how many wires get crossed between how the sadism actually manifests and the core of that desire or need, the motivation is almost always vengeance and punishment for a perceived crime, projected onto whoever is seen as deserving of that punishment.

andrew sure as hell wants to avenge himself. that’s a recognizable pattern in his thought processes and behavior.

i saw his behavior towards ashley being used as a reference point here, but i personally do not see andrew’s sadistic tendencies applying to ashley— on the contrary, she’s the one person i’d say is exempt from his sadistic inclinations, who he instead feels mental discomfort when he’s causing her harm. his internal conflict shuts his sadism down instantly when he has thoughts along those lines, when he feels a desire to hurt her, because the sense of fulfillment he finds in being her one source of safety, comfort and happiness is stronger than acting on any sadistic desire would be. that’s where he gets his sense of purpose, his reason for living, and the two desires are naturally completely incompatible.

when andrew reflects on his lack of regret over murdering the warden, he admits that he only regrets not killing him slower and making him suffer, deriving pleasure from it, rather than hacking him up impulsively out of necessity to defend and protect his sister. why? the guy supposedly leered at ashley, looked at her as a potential sexual conquest, and for that, andrew would certainly gouge your eyes out and scrape out your eye sockets with a rusty spoon, and he’d savor every moment. my point: every other murder he commits is a stark contrast to the manner in which he kills ashley. he does this with tenderness and bitter sadness, her death pains him so unbearably much that he commits suicide the moment she is gone and dead in his arms, and he makes sure her death is quick and painless and that she doesn’t suffer. and to andrew, this is a loving act of mercy.

this deep love and care for her is not his sole motivator here, we’re not gonna do him the favor of pretending otherwise, he has utterly selfish motives as well, but andrew cannot stand the thought of abandoning ashley, so if he dies, she will have to die with him. in his mind, he needs to spare her from living without him even for a second, save her from the agony she would feel when he is gone and she’s alone in the world without her brother. if he kills her, he won’t have to leave her, and he could never, ever be the one to make his sister’s deepest fear into a horrifying reality. incomprehensible logic if you do not think like andrew does, but he’s not exactly sane.

as for the reactive abuse he inflicts on ashley, it does undeniably feel good to him in the heat of the moment, but it’s not sadistic gratification. it’s a wholly different emotional response. it’s relief from the extremely distressing feeling of powerlessness, the result of ashley relentlessly robbing him of any control until he feels small, helpless and cornered. perceived powerlessness induces panic, it suffocates him, and he lashes out accordingly with explosively excessive aggression when he’s triggered. he takes his power and control violently, whether this is when ashley pushes him so far with her abuse of him that he responds with violent reactive abuse, or when the woman in 302 attempts to retake control over the situation by lunging for the nail gun. the latter may look like self-defense, but only if you don’t know that andrew graves is a pathological liar.

the narrator generously informs us that andrew snapped and stabbed the woman in 302 way, way more times than is needed to kill a person, that he kept going until he felt satisfied even after she clearly stopped breathing, because the “dumb bitch” had the gall to think he was stupid and embarrass him.

to andrew, she insulted him, she deserved it, and it felt good and right to stab the fuck out of her for it. if the circumstances he found himself in simply made her death inevitable, if this was only a necessary evil to eliminate all witnesses, there was certainly no need for andrew to mutilate her.

but here we are. in the flashback to his point of view in apartment 302, we see the undeniable gratification he gets from power and control before the murder when he has the knife to her throat and she is entirely at his mercy, her life is in his hands, when she’s scared of him, and we see it again in the grand finale and act itself when he throws her onto the bed and stabs her to death without a second of hesitation. which he does when she shows that she is not as afraid of him as she should be— as andrew wants her to be. to andrew, fearing him is respecting him, and she was stupid enough to disrespect him when he’s holding a knife.

now this woman is just like ashley. andrew goes fucking batshit, sees red and snaps like a rubber band wound too tight, and the parallel here is clear as day to me given how we saw ashley treat him just a few scenes prior— i���m not scared of you, andy, who do you think you’re talking to?

ashley belittles him, subtly humiliates him when he stands up to her and challenges her to make him back down. she doesn’t take him even remotely seriously even when he makes an honest threat on her life, and now this “dumb bitch” doesn’t either. she doesn’t think he has it in him, so sure he’d never actually use that knife, he’d never actually kill her, he is not a real threat, he’s weak, he’s spineless, he’s a pushover, a doormat, he’s all bark and no bite. yeah, andrew’s livid, and there’s no fucking way he will let that slide when he has nothing to lose and everything to gain by killing this woman.

he will fucking show her how seriously she should have taken him— andrew makes a terrifying example out of her, she will take his sister’s punishment because he wouldn’t think of ashley as truly deserving of it, and he definitely enjoys every single second of it. that taste of power? i’ve no doubt he enjoyed it more than he’d ever imagined enjoying anything in his life.

none of this sadism ends up directed towards ashley at all. in fact, he obsesses over whether or not she’s safe and sound upstairs even as he’s reveling in the complete power and control he has over their notoriously fuckable neighbor. ashley returns unscathed and immediately calls him out on his shit, observant as she is— he killed the lady in 302 because he enjoys killing, not out of pure necessity, that’s an excuse, and he got off on it.

this is hardly ashley making shit up from a dismissive throwaway comment andrew made about the woman being easy on the eyes, even if he defensively reduces it to that to make ashley look and feel irrational. she can’t prove anything, so andrew will die on that hill insisting he was just dutifully protecting them both from harm, while this is ashley’s insecurities talking and making her act crazy. as usual. he clearly jumps through mental hoops to justify what he did and lies his way around his motives and intent constantly, but when ashley accuses him of getting his rocks off killing their downstairs neighbor, there’s his “even if i did, who cares, she’s dead.”

king of telling on himself even when he’s bullshitting.