spiderreviews

[spiderreviews]

Tumblr is silencing me for my unbiased critique of fictional spiders.

Since I attempted to return, tumblr has consumed, violently, all ask submissions I had received pertaining to spiders to review. If you believe in the project, I urge you to send in spiders for me to review as per the guidelines in my pinned. Thankyou.

[spiderreviews]

Tumblr is silencing me for my unbiased critique of fictional spiders.

Since I attempted to return, tumblr has consumed, violently, all ask submissions I had received pertaining to spiders to review. If you believe in the project, I urge you to send in spiders for me to review as per the guidelines in my pinned. Thankyou.

[spiderreviews]

Now, would one be interested in rating the devilishly delightful Big Mama from Rise of the TMNT? Note: she does have 8 limbs, is just that one pair of arms is smaller, hidden under the larger ones. - @spiltpencilink

Big Mama - Rise of the TMNT

And we have our first certified milf! I must say I appreciate that you clarified her additional limbs or I feared I'd need to dock points from this classy cougar.

Figurehead of a criminal underworld and with enough side hustles for her own Barbie-esque toy-line this stylish madam is making full use of those extra arms. A charming take on the "sexy spider lady" genre who's not afraid of being a little more monstrous in her drider-like true form and relates directly back to the devious Jorōgumo.

Though that monstrosity might be her downfall as a spiderous specimen, resembling the beloved arachnid almost exclusively in media-cues. While I would never deny the overwhelming charm of her true form, it more brings to mind a Ben 10 alien with an arachnid theme than a true spider. Constrained to curious leg-placements and a distinct lack of chelicerae on her nonetheless inhuman face, Big Mama's striking figure is undone by- hold on is her monster form the one with tits?

Rating - Three lush and curiously coloured webs spread out through the basements of a Hotel, Auction House, and a train station.

[spiderreviews]

REVIEW THIS YOU PIECE OF SHIT

—–

This is what I’m woken for? This is what I’m demanded I leave retirement over? Fine. Fine. You have forced my fucking hand.

Aquastrand Spider - Magic the Gathering

From the irregularity of its haphazardly jointed legs, to the gooey, semen-esque excretions which resemble neither web nor water, to the splatter of eyes, sprayed carelessly across the head as a drunk may piss against an alley wall, “mutant” does not begin to cover this fucking travesty.

My eyes are drawn to the grim, bulbous pustules cluttering this poor thing’s bloated abdomen, only topped in the disgust they evoke by the gaping excuse for a silk gland, leaking “webbing” like a well-used fleshlight. Tell me, do you hold hatred in your heart for spiders? Do you think them beneath you? This artist surely did, depicting this poor creature with such revulsion I can only imagine a spider ruined their marriage. Oh I can see it now, the seething contempt that drips from every brush stroke, painted with mutters of “homewrecker”.

I wish I had the patience to dissect every vile inch of this design, I admit by now I’m only still calling it a spider out of a sense of polite sympathy, but dear lord it really is ghastly. The fact it barely seems to be touching that “web” as if even this abomination can’t bare to place it’s pencil-sharpened feet against that cold, wet, dripping rope only heightens my pity. It looks painful for this thing to move. It’s every imagined step fraught with an overburdened ache, those wretched, jiggling sacs begging to be popped like so many swollen zits. My body hurts to imagine it as time and time again my gaze catches those poor, cluttered eyes, placed with all the grace and forethought of a six year old with a bag of stick-on googlies. The mere act of sight must cause it nothing short of agony.

I am not a religious man, but I’m not above telling you, that this spider made me believe in Hell.

Rating - A single, filthy puddle of blue mucus, driving me to tears as I’m told that it passes for a web.

[spiderreviews]

Does the spider have to be fictional or can I show you my real pet spider?

You can show me real spiders but I will not review them. They are already Mother Nature's most beautiful animals.

[spiderreviews]

hey can you check out my spiders? they're looking a little sick, i think i might need to take them to the bug mechanic

(frostbite spiders from the skyrim mod no spiders - piderman edition)

Frostbite Spiders - no spiders Skyrim Mod (piderman edition)

They should not look like that.

Rating - A single strand of cobweb found in a forgotten phone book, underlining the number for my local exorcist.

[spiderreviews]

can you rate this weird spider i found on my windowsill i dont know whats wrong with it

Please do not send me threats

[spiderreviews]

Spider from Grounded in normal mode :>

Spider - Grounded

Ah! Right! What a charming specimen! The intense gaze, the sharp, black rimmed eyes, and power implied within those legs conveys a deeply formidable foe befitting of the role the Spider plays in Grounded. This is a design execution to instill fear in even the most bug-neutral players.

For legal reasons I assure you that any comments about eating the Arachnophobia mode spiders were purely satire and in no way actionable!

Rating - Four threatening and extremely inedible webs waiting for you in a dark back alley.

[spiderreviews]

Spider from the game Grounded (Pictured: Arachnophobia Mode)

Spider - Grounded (Arachnophobia mode)

The abject hilarity of an arachnophobia mode that simply removes the most often contested parts of a spider to leave it's abdomen and chephalothorax floating around non-threateningly is tempered a bit by the rendering. It's so smooth, so wet, so, dare I say... Juicy?

Something about those big, fearful eyes. Gazing pleadingly at me like it knows it looks like a caramel glazed pastry. It's place as the predator has been usurped. Its gaze holds a terror at becoming the prey that borders on the sensual. Maybe I should finally watch Hannibal.

Rating - Two pleasingly round webs dripping with syrup in a cannibals murder basement.

[spiderreviews]

can you rate my friend pinky from bug fables please

Pinky - Bug Fables

My god she's so… round, so… captivating.

The pink chelicera, the flowers offering a tasteful splash of red to her soft and dove-grey body, and those big, doe, eyes. This woman is a super model. This woman would be worth it all. I think I'm in love.

I… I have to speak with my husband. Excuse me.

Rating - Five luxurious webs, glittering with rosy temptation in a Miami sunset.

[spiderreviews]

Spiderus may be bad, but how about the iconic Miss Spider? - @spiltpencilink

Miss Spider - Miss Spider's Sunny patch friends

While still more stylised than I tend to enjoy, I can't deny that this kindly woman is far more pleasing to my aesthetic sensibilities than the wretched Spiderus. She has a gentle smile, a warm and sunny colour pallet, and her legs- while a little out of sorts with her ping-pong-ball body- make good use of a spider's multi-segmentation to convey a casual, demure elegance.

More than anything else, I am heartened to know that across the pond, young children in the 2000s may have gotten to experience spiders in a cute, and positive light, for how ever many episodes this strange little show mana- what the fuck do you mean there were three fucking seasons of this show? What?

Rating - Three whole seasons apparently of colourful, kid friendly spider webs, aptly found in a sunny patch of trees.

[spiderreviews]

noir detectives are like spiders

[spiderreviews]

The Spider and her flashy Boyfriend from Webbed!

Buddy and her Boyfriend - Webbed

GORGEOUS little beasts, it's delightful to engage with designs clearly grounded in real (and very cute!) spider species.

I don't have the self control to play puzzle games without landing a homicide charge, so this game is unfortunately out of my reach, however on a purely visual level I'm truly enamored with these designs. What a charming homage to some of natures most squee-inducing animals. Though that's not to say I don't appreciate what I know of the story, we love a girlboss here.

Rating - Four kid-friendly webs precariously suspending a long-lost rubiks cube in an Australian hedge.

[spiderreviews]

i dont know if this counts as an actual spider its missing 4 legs ...

Galvantula - Pokemon

While this sweet fuzzball could do with a few more legs, Galvantula was a welcome addition to the formerly miserable lack of spider-themed pokemon. I appreciate it and its pre-evolutions appeal to cuteness. Big eyes, soft colours, plush and fluffy design.

Galvantula says "Hey! Spiders don't have to be scary! Spiders can be cute and cuddly, like a pikachu!" Also like a pikachu, Galvantula can kill you with a high voltage shock.

Rating - Three thick, aesthetically appealing webs strung up between a couple of large tesla coils and coursing with scientifically inaccurate electricity .

[spiderreviews]

my firend charles from hit horror commedy game choo choo charles. i think he counts as a spider

Choo Choo Charles - Choo Choo Charles

While the design of Charles's face certainly evokes a more typical, blood drenched, over-detailed horror monster, the bold choice to fuse a large spider to a steam train is unique enough that the more trite elements of creature design on display here attain an almost camp absurdity.

Before Choo Choo Charles I had never thought “yeah what if Thomas the tank engine had fuckoff big spider legs and killed people”. After Choo Choo Charles, I still do not think this, but respect the knowledge that at least someone did.

He also lays large amounts of eggs, a possible transgender allegory.

Rating - Three enormous sheets of thick webbing, rendering your local train station un-navigable.

[spiderreviews]

a classic. an all rounder. can be ridden by some creatures but not by me, sadly

Spider - Minecraft

Ah a classic. Such simple shapes conveying such an endearing and, dare I say, Iconic design. The Minecraft spider's adorable hissing and tendency to get stuck on my build's doors while failing to kill me, do not negate its sleek, enemy elegance. A spider that proves that form does not need to come at the expense of function.

Rating - Four beautifully geometric webs gleaming in the entrance to a mine. A fifth web has been deducted for the player being unable to ride them.

[spiderreviews]

Spiderus from Miss Spider's Sunny Patch Friends

Starting out on a low fucking note I see.

Spiderus - Miss Spider's Sunny Patch Friends

Are these noble animals a joke to you? They certainly were to the spinal fluid leaking ape jesters who modeled and rendered this ambulatory lump of half-dried toothpaste, presumably on a real computer i might add, which should have sued for the indignity.

This shambling embodiment of reddit divorcee stories should be contacting its lawyer about jeffrey star stealing its likeness, and staying the fuck away from me.

Rating - Three strands of dust-laden cobwebs in the corner of your ceiling that you can't wait to clean up.