spilleddreamsanddrunkenmusings

[spilleddreamsanddrunkenmusings]

somewhere between being born and now i got filled with so much shame that i feel like everything i do is shameful and everything about me is shameful. and i envy others who dont feel this way. hell i envy anyone for anything. because shame makes me want to be anyone but myself. im so filled with shame even my interests feel performative, like someone else liking the exact same thing undermines my own feelings for that thing. i always feel like their feelings run deeper: more valid. they’re able to express their love, unabashed. my interest in webnovels is the only thing that is wholly “mine”. because i cant feel like an imposter in a home that i built. a hole that i dug. the uneven wall with the picture that i hung. im hyperconscious of how people view me, and i fear its a doll with unoiled joints. stilted, unsettling, boring. but mirroring behavior feels like pretending. and id much rather play doll.

[spilleddreamsanddrunkenmusings]

hey so i just got off of metrodinazole 500 3x 7 days and it fucking sucked, like i was going insane, anxiety off the charts, everything was hurting, and i was actively trying not to off myself and now i feel so much better. in much more stable mindset, and my body doesnt hurt. its crazy how a week experience killed off all my stress about the future and college. am i not enrolled yet? yes. do i have seven days to look for an apartment? also yes. is it possible ill end up taking a gap year and be behind? also yes. but i dont really care that much anymore, as long as u have a healthy mind you can do anything in time and get over any material obstacle just foremost take care of yourself. health physical and mental is key. love you

[spilleddreamsanddrunkenmusings]

Is anybody else just having such a Bad time? For some reason living is excruciating,,, I dont even have any real problems like i have both my parents, i eat and sleep in a safe place everyday, i have friends,,,but for some reason living is just so painful? whats going on

[spilleddreamsanddrunkenmusings]

One day i started dreaming of this scenario: i would switch universes with a self that was far good-er, far kinder, and far better than me. Her companions would look at me with contempt and weigh the values of our self on the scale. Ultimately, they would judge that hers far outweighs mine. But the strange thing in this dream is that i felt no insecurity. I felt no envy for my other self being so loved by her companions. I felt no envy that she is a far better person than i. I felt no envy that people would choose her over me. And its not because i suddenly loved myself. Its that i know this little girl: i know her hopes, her dreams, her fears, her hurt. I know it all. I know how she cried, how she survived, how she hated herself, how she believed she was unlovable. Despite this belief continuing to live inside me among my lifelong attempt to unlearn it, when i look back at all versions of my past self… I’ve never hated them. Not at all. I feel an overwhelming sense of love. I felt sorry for them, wishing i could give them a hug. I found myself wanting to sing them to sleep, promising them that tomorrow would be better. In the face of any alternate version of myself, kinder, more talented—better. I would always choose that little girl. Always. Even if no one chose me. I, so dearly see that i wouldn’t have it any other way.