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spillingmylifetea4481 · 5 years

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Chapter 5: My breaking point.

As if I hadn't experienced already that revolving my life around my boyfriend led nowhere, douchebag and I were really fond of each other. But of course you don't really know someone until you live with them. The first time I came to his house in Carlton Ga before I moved in there was a girl in his bed. This rubbed me the wrong way but I did finally see they were just really close friends from highschool and that she wasn't a threat to me after some time. Red flag number one. His hobbies were smoking weed and playing video games and reading comic books, endless hours of netflix watching. Oh. And messaging a shit ton of girls. Red flag number two. We lived with his mother and sister in a beat up trailer and he would constantly ask her for money for food and weed etc. He would have his close friends over for smoking sessions for hours on end and I grew tired of it because I wanted time with him too. He didnt work ever in his life for anything up to that point. He never cleaned up after himself or his dog or showed respect for himself as well as those around him. I ended up getting a job up the road at a gas station/cafe and ended up smoking loads myself, supporting his endless habits and showering him in attention and gifts. But at this point in my life I was easily jealous. When I was with Bob he cheated on me before he even took my virginity as well as my first couple short time boyfriennds also cheating on me before him so I was on my toes about douchebag talking to so many girls. We ended up hanging at his friends house often where I experienced xanax and psychedelics for the first time without a care in the world. We would get into arguments all the time over me demanding that he treated me with more respect and stop flirting with other girls. It never got anywhere. I dont really remember all that happened but one night I took xanax and drank after a fight and he left to his friends house and my mind immediately went to him going off with some girl so evidently I had ended up sending pictures of myself to Bob in my underwear ( funny because when we were together somehow the ones I sent him back then ended up on a porn site and my best friend in South Florida saw it had had to report it as child porn) and douchebag woke me up holding my phone to my face saying" what the fuck is this?" My immediate reaction was to crush my phone with my bare hands and beg him to believe me that they were old pictures. I was embarassed and couldn't believe I did that with hardly any memory of it.. So I chose to lie as if that was justifiable. Not long after that he ended up cheating on me with a girl down the street and I didnt find out about it until right before I had my son. I believe this is what initiated the inevitable with this poor excuse of a man. Many months went by with this toxic relationship and I became more obsessed with digging into his phone to find evidence of him cheating on me that I never spot on found. Anything I did find he always had a lie or excuse or gaslighted me on it. Then boom. A year and a half in I find out im pregnant. I had a hard pregnancy and gained a shit ton of weight so I was miserable. I went from 132 pounds to 204 pounds in 8 and a half months. I had mostly quit smoking but occaisionally I didn't stop myself due to relationship stress and physical exhaustion. Finally douchebag proposed to me at 7 months pregnant surely enforced by his mother and grandfather and we planned to get married. 8 and a half months pregnant I went into labor. I was so scared and excited all just to be ruined by him saying to me " look before we get married I want us to have a clean slate. So im telling you that I did cheat on you with someone." I said I forgave him but really I didn't. That's all it took to verify I wasn't crazy and he was a liar and a cheat and that I would most definitely would never trust him again. It was rough after we had my son. I was only 19 about to turn 20 and knew nothing of taking care of myself let alone a whole fucking baby. But we went through the motions of arguing and moving to Athens together into our own apartment with a lot of help from our income taxes and his mother. After I spied on him through his phone I found out he started seeing girls online behind my back while I was at work at our house, and even had them meet up with him at his work. I heard so many stories of his infidelities since at the time we both worked at Waffle house. I lost count of how many girls there were. I was desperate to fix the relationship so I started dancing around the idea of threesomes and open relationships to try to please him since he didnt seem to believe in monogamy. He brought girls over having them stay for days on end. I would cry and get angry and jealous and didnt know how to handle myself or the situation especially with my at the time 1 and a half year old baby. There was one girl in particular who came to our house to meet us to see if we were compatible for a threesome and she ended up seeing him behind my back. She was beautiful and honestly it wasn't her fault as much as I wanted it to be at the time.. He was head over heels for this girl and I thought to myself how I wasnt good enough. How all my hard work into this relationship was never going to be enough and I must have been ugly or unlikable, I gained weight so maybe he just didnt find me attractive anymore. We tried having a threesome after I confronted them about it and I guess they did it out of pity but mind you I genuinely have no interest in having sex with girls. Of course one night when he was supposed to be hanging out with her I talked him into staying home and trying to work things out and the girl FUCKING DIES IN HER SLEEP BRO. I was a chump and supported this man I had spent up to 4 years with and had a fucking child with crying over a woman I had caught him cheating on me with multiple times. I went to the funeral with him which Im sure everyone felt was fucking weird. Even had a video of them fucking since I needed proof to show him I knew he was lying dead ass to my face. I was depressed, contemplated suicide, etc. We fought in front of my son and I yelled at him when I lost patience. Made him spend time to himself in his room a lot which wasn't fair or responsible of me at all and I think about it every day. Im sure some part of me was going through post partum depression and didn't accept it. My poor baby boy had to see so much. I was addicted to pills and would spend all day finding money for my fix and dealers just to keep myself high enough to deal with him. I ended up going to jail in 2015 for shoplifting because I was ballsy about stealing stuff for my house since I spent all my money on drugs. I almost caught a felony. (Don't worry im not a theif anymore I learned my lesson) He respected and cared for me less every day of that relationship. This went on for at least several more months before I finally snapped and had enough of the lying and cheating and had a physical altercation with him..I moved in with one of my friends. He had already moved another girl in right after I left. I didn't even have a chance to get my things. I tried to befriend his new girlfriend and warn her of what he put me through and she didn't listen to me at all. Two weeks go by, I stopped taking drugs so I was going through withdrawals and fucked in the head even more intensely at that point and he calls me up throwing accusations at me taking his girlfriends belongings so I nutted the fuck up. I drove over there to get my shit and told him off for having me wait that long because "HE needed space." I go to unlock the door and this piece of shit holds the lock closed. So what do I do? Rationally handle it and call an officer to supervise? Nope. I took a fire extinguisher and busted the fuckin door down. Broke his tv. He started fighting me after I pushed him back for not letting me get my shit. Tried to strangle me, slammed my body in the door smashing my extremities repeatedly trying to keep me out, I went straight for his hair since he was sensitive about balding when he was young, he scratched my arm, he started destroying my lesther jacket with a steaknife,and my photo canvases that were not cheap after I broke his Tv, I don't even remember what all was said, then he threatened to cut his wrists with it and I just laughed and said "Give me that you little shit if you were going to die that way you would have done it already". My dumb ass went to take the knife from him and he pulled it back and cut my finger open. The police were called and they took me to jail since I was too fucking honest and told them I had just moved out even though my name was still on the rental agreement. After I got out I tried to get back on my feet. My son ended up staying with his Grandfather and his wife in the midst of all this so he didnt see any of these altercations go down thank god. I stayed in bed for about a whole month and did nothing. I didn't eat, couldn't sleep, and smoked weed just to keep my nerves and withdrawals from opiates at bay. I did get revenge on the girl he was with by cutting 2 of her tires and cutting one of her brakes. It was risky but I got away with it. I lost a bunch of weight in a month and looked sick but I was thin for the first time in 2 years so I didnt care.. I slept around a good bit trying to fill the massive hole in my heart but nothing really fufilled what I was longing for. 5 years of some prime years in my life so disgraced and wasted on this fucking guy. Another fucking guy once again I've spent too much time and effort on. I've never been the same since then. To be continued...

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spillingmylifetea4481 · 5 years

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Chapter 4: He was unbearable.

I started to slowly feel normal again. Dressing and talking like myself. Listening to music I liked again. Made friends and started going back to school. It was clear to me that mom had been going through her own bullshit with Jack 2.0 while I was gone seeing that they also bickered constantly over him wanting to just be a hermit and smoke weed, watch boring tv and play video games all day. Somehow it was still slightly better than it was with OG Jack. He was very dominant, tall, and had a deep voice so he was a bit intimidating. I felt like he constantly judged me for what happened before I moved with them and he would show it occaisionally when she wasn't around. I got my first job at a bbq shack in front of my neighborhood to get some money in my pocket and would work part time after school and weekends and started saving up a little here and there. Me and mom rekindled our relationship again depsite our disagreements so that was a plus. At this point I was 17 and wanted to try to get myself a foundation for myself. We ended up moving again to Athens Ga and I got a job at Barberitos near our apartment. I got my GED since I was so behind on school. I payed for all of my expenses as far as food and stuff for work. Shit happened and right before I was about to start renting an apartment for myself I ended up giving almost my whole savings to them to help with a truck payment so it wouldnt get reposessed. We had to move from the apartments into his drummers house and it started to get worse with Jack 2.0's attitude towards me. Him and my moms fights were more frequent and continued to occasionally be physical on her part. My 18th birthday rolled around and thats when I met my son's father online on meetme(we will call him douchebag). I invited him to my birthday gathering at the Botanical Gardens and we ended up in a relationship pretty quickly. Not long after I got into a massive argument with Jack 2.0 over this dude and other issues he had with me and before my mother even got home I had douchebag pick me up along with my things and left. She resented me for that decision and wouldnt talk to me for the longest time. I just couldn't put up with Jack 2.0 anymore and I felt like she always took his side even if she started out defending me. I was tired of watching her be miserable and complain of a life she was seemingly determined to keep for herself. I felt like I lost my best friend that day. To be continued...

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spillingmylifetea4481 · 5 years

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Chapter 3: I didn't understand just how wrong it was.

Fastforward to me living with my grandma. I absolutely adored that lady no matter how bat shit she was. Plus my absent father lived there and all my cousins I spent so many summers with so what could go wrong, right? Well Orangeburg SC is a small town and everyone knows everyone. So much so that before you get married you have to do a DNA test to be sure you aren't related. I tried doing school there but lets be honest here. That particular school had gone to shit and with me being one of 3 white girls in a dominantly black school, I was harassed by the boys there and the girls wanted to fight me because of the boys interest in trying to get my attention. LET ME MAKE THIS ABUNDANTLY CLEAR. I am not a person who gives a shit about what color you are. So being in that school only scared me because all of the kids were unsupervised, would bring weapons to school and would harass me especially. So i stopped going after an incident with my class harassing my trashy english teacher. Who by the way was some fat white blonde lady who only spoke of walmart and thought it would be a good idea to show us videos on funnylemons.com of a donkey trying to hump a grown ass man etc. The summer came along and I wanted to make some money but legally I was too young to work so I started hanging out with my uncle, his girlfriend at the time and her family. That's when it happened. I woke up one morning and the most attractive grown man walked in the door. It was the girlfriends younger brother (we will call him woogie) coming to pick up his daughter. I couldnt take my eyes off him any time he came around and he certainly noticed. Their family all lived on one plot of land and were working on getting woogies house on the land as well. I made any excuse I could to go there just to see him and eventually started helping woogie and his dad work in the woods cutting down trees, skinning them, painting them, digging up lighterd to sell as fire starters. Most nights the three of us would build a fire and talk bullshit until woogies father would go in the house to bed. I told him my story of living in Florida and how I ended up there. He showed me sympathy and I could tell he did like me back but he didn't say it. I was getting attention I so desperately longed for. After some time getting to know him and his fundamentals I admired what he wanted out of life. But we both were trying to not make it so obvious that we wanted to spend time with each other. Mind you this man was 28 at the time and had a daughter a year younger than me. I was 15. We got to the point of holding hands and shared a kiss when no one was around and I immediately decided I was in love with him. He took full advantage of that. He bought us burner phones to talk on since he knew his ass would end up in jail if anyone found out. We ended up meeting up in the middle of the night and would have sex, talked about marriage and a future together as if that was fucking normal..Id find any excuse to have a sleep over with he and his daughter just to have an entire day and night with him. She began to notice. Everyone began to notice. He convinced me he was the only one who truly cared about me and could care for me. He would talk shit on the way I dressed, got mad if i talked to anyone. Friends. Family. He always had to know where I was and what I was doing. It got to the point where I had anxiety attacks every day and couldn't sleep or eat. I was losing hair and weight. I would throw up any time I ate and just gave up because food all tasted like throw up to me. I was deteriorating. I took a night away from my grandmothers house to her neices house in North Sc with her husband. They drank with me and my grandmas niece went to bed. I got so drunk I couldn't move. I half ass remember saying repeatedly how I needed a boyfriend and I guess her husband took that as an invitation. He started sliding his hand up my leg saying he could make me feel better and even as drunk as I was I said no Im jailbait and I will tell. The irony. I told my grandmother about this and she told everyone I was lying for attention. That he would never do such a thing. My Grandmother found out about Woogie and somewhat condoned it because I convinced her I was happy. No one told my father what was going on because he would have killed him. I wasn't me anymore. My mom came up to visit me and I introduced her to him and told her later we were together. At first she tried to be understanding because she too dated an older man once when she was an adult. That quickly changed and she ended up having me move with her and Jack 2.0 to Braselton Ga. It took me a month or two to break up with Woogie after I moved and then i finally started feeling normal again. I knew it was wrong but for whatever reason I didn't care. A couple years later I found out Woogie died from bone cancer. AND THAT HE WAS MY FUCKING 3RD COUSIN. To be continued...

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spillingmylifetea4481 · 5 years

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Chapter 2: All fucks thrown out the door.

Things started off pretty well in Miramar after we took some time to get used to living without Jack. Mom found a boyfriend for a short while, got a little lipo on her thighs and waist, got a car, started dressing more confidently and expressing herself. Eventually she saved up enough money from her cleaning job for us to get our own house and we got our dogs back. I was hitting my cringeworthy rebellion stage pretty hard. Dyed my hair teal, occasionally drank with my close friend and was introduced to the devils lettuce. I hated school(honestly who didn't?) so I skipped out sometimes on classes and gave up on my grades. I was convinced my life was shit and I couldnt grasp what I was being taught in school since I moved so often and the criteria was everchanging. I missed my friends from Apopka and had my first long time relationship(for a teenager) who was currently living there. It was long distance boyfriend so somehow I convinced my mom into letting me fly out and visit for about a week or two at a time. At some point during one of those visits I called and asked her if I could just live there and she agreed on some conditions. She wanted me to be happy really and knew all my friends were there and how much I loved it there. Little did I know she had reconnected with a man from highschool ( we will call him Jack 2.0)and planned on moving in with him somewhere in Georgia. Thats where it got worse. My boyfriend( We will call him Bob) was 16 when I met him through school friends online on good ole myspace and for whatever reason I just was head over heels for him. Really he was a racist shovanistic uneducated cuck but I ignored all of those things about him since I loved the idea of mostly living unsupervised with him. I wanted nothing more to just be in love and marry and have kids and start my life at 14. I was your typical idiot teenager who thought I had it all figured out. I was a punk rock kid and so was he so thats all I needed I suppose. I lost my virginity to him ( yall he didnt even break the hymen until 2 or 3 tries. -__-) We lived with guardians that seemed to have a house full of trashy people. The only one that was good out of them all was Bob's sister( we wil call her Angel) and boy did she just cherish the ground I walked on. She is still my best friend to this day give or take a few others. These folks allowed us to do whatever the fuck we wanted. They taught me to drive their stickshift mustang and let us leave the house at all hours not knowing where we were. At least 4 of the teenage boys living there NEVER FUCKING BATHED. The guardians would smoke weed with me, they had garbage bags full of porn in the garage, there were cats everywhere shitting and pissing on everything, they never cleaned and couldn't keep food in the house since there were 7 teenagers, 3 abled adults and 1 disabled, and a toddler living all under one roof. The most fucked up thing they did was talk me into playing a sex board game with them. They never did anything to me or touched me but they both saw me naked and there were sex toys involved on the guardians part of this game. At the time I was naive and thought this was normal. The father guardian especially had an odd relationship with me. He called me princess and if im being honest as weird and fucked up they were I do believe he genuinely did try to show me a good path he just was bad at it. He was disfigured from his face to his chest and arms and legs from being electrocuted as a child so I got the impression life was pretty hard for him growing up. Bob and I fought all the time because all he cared about was becoming a Marine, hanging out with his friends, impressing them by belittling me in front of them, he claimed to have a voice in his head that he called Jimmy Shadows and it was violent so if he got pissed off enough at me and I tried to stand up for myself he would grab my arm so hard that it bruised.. yall it was just an all around fucked situation. I was trying online schooling and that went to shit in about a months time. We ended up getting evicted and moved down the street with the male guardians parents and nothing changed really. The only good part of that time in my life was us all playing yu gi oh for hours until the middle of the night. I ended up calling my grandma and asking her to rescue me basically and she did. Boy was that a got damn mistake if I ever made one. That was the last time I lived in Florida. To be continued...

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spillingmylifetea4481 · 5 years

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Chapter 1: It's all downhill from here mom.

Fair warning: This will be a long ass story and it wont be the last. But I promise you it'll keep your attention. My earliest memory is my mother being thrown against the wall by her at the time boyfriend when I was two. Out of all fucking things right? My childhood wasnt horrible don't get me wrong. I was middle classed, living in south Florida so I was a bit of a minority being a white female who barely understood any spanish in a sea of all types of Latino American people. But I did have a lot of friends and lived blissfully unaware of real life responsibilites and situations. My mom was with the same man for 11 years since I was three. Although I couldn't for the life of me figure out why being that they violently argued almost every day. We will call him Jack. Jack was a self driven individual determined to be the next richest man in the world so he worked all day from home and had her working at home with him as well. I later found out when I was a teenager that she was a stripper before I was born trying to get out of her situation so I see the appeal in her taking his offer to help build his business from home. We moved constantly as he was trying to chase the money from Pembroke Pines, Ft.Lauderdale, Miramar, Apopka, Las Vegas. It seemed to stress her out trying to keep up with everything but back then I still didnt understand why she was so miserable. Ultimately this is all I knew of as far as what a relationship looked like. My mom used to be my best friend. When she wanted to get away she would always take me (sometimes our dog Jake too) with her. Most of the time to a movie or a park of some sort but we laughed and had loads of fun. She introduced me to video games, music, art, all things creative and fun. However looking back the bad outweighed the good. There was always a tension when I walked out of my room. I could almost smell her short temper and frustrations before I came downstairs. I always made her things and told her I loved her and tried to be a part of what she was doing. At least half the time she made it abundantly clear I was on her last nerve and she wanted me to leave her alone. At one point I had said I love you so many times in a short amount of time she yelled back annoyed "I LOVE YOU TOO." I remember that I kept saying it to try to make her feel better because she was stressed but really I guess I was bothering her. Im not saying she doesn't have a back ground for this cold shoulder she gave out so freely but it was definitely rough for a child to not see it as anything personal. She did however take care of me and made sure I had everything I could ever need or want. She never spanked me but she could be pretty cutthroat verbally. All my negative Florida memories consist of her screaming at Jack to the top of her lungs, hearing them have sex through the walls, slamming doors, being brought to my Aunts house for her to get away from Jack and playing with my cousin, or spending summers with my late grandmother in South Carolina. Hell one fight was so bad all I heard from inside there room was her screaming "Call the police!" As if Jack was harming her and I was scared for anyone to get in trouble and froze up..I just curled up in a ball and cried. Jack didnt hurt her. They were naked though which was odd to me. That was the day I first heard Jack tell her she needed help and look at what she was doing to her daughter. I couldnt have been more than 10 years old. About 2 years later we moved to Apopka Florida and that was the best place he ever moved us to hands down. But of course by the time I was 14 about to turn 15 Jack moved us to Las Vegas Nevada. That's when this mundane routine seemed to change within about 30 days. Financially it seemed that we were on top of the world really. We had a badass pool and jacuzzi attached with a waterfall into the pool and a stone slide. A casita (attatched one bedroom apartment type building meant for maids or someone of that sort). He ended up hiring a woman to live in that building to work for him on his everchanging business. We will call her Brazillian Lady. So after a few weeks my mother and I took a trip with my Aunt and cousin to Minnesota to visit their friend. After we came back mom and I noticed something a bit off about Jack and Brazillian Lady. She had dinner ready for us, ( That bitch couldnt cook if her life depended on it), house was clean, she was almost taking a house wife position catering specifically to Jack. One night Brazillian Lady supposedly went out to meet her boyfriend she claimed, and almost immediately after Jack left for the "gym". Mom and I decided to watch the movie August Rush together while she did some work on my laptop. Right about midway into the movie she yells "THEY ARE FUCKING". That movie is forever ruined for me. This asshat decided to use my computer to skype chat Brazillian Lady and didn't erase the fuckin evidence. All their dirty laundry was aired out to his family, friends, co-workers etc. It was almost artistic how mom handled this in my opinion. Before Jack and Brazillian Lady got home we threw all his shit downstairs and moved onto the Casita she was in. I personally went through all her shit, threw anything useful or expensive in the yard on top of dog shit. My mom stopped me at breaking her car window with my skateboard to avoid criminal charges. Was this the right thing for her to involve me at all? Nah. But it happened so here we are. I didn't ever really care for Jack. He was only ever interested in disciplining me and making empty promises to me regarding rewards for good grades. He treated me like a little sister and was always fighting me for my mothers attention. He walked around the house talking loudly on his stupid headset with no shirt, and gray cotton shorts never wearing underwear. He always changed the channel in the middle of me watching something and any time he tried to play with me he would rough house and accidently hurt me. He made my mom unhappy and I was thrilled to destroy his shit. When my mom dead ass asked me (a 14 year old teenager) if she should leave him,if I didn't want to live there with him anymore, I reminded her of the time I bit him on the leg as a three year old when I first met him because even then I knew he was an asshole. So we packed our shit and moved back to Miramar Fl with my Aunt after some out of the country traveling to Italy that my Aunts boss payed for. It was a blessing truly and it was so beautifulbut after everything it was hard not to be depressed and concentrate on enjoying a once in a lifetime trip like that. Also it was hot as balls there. Dont worry folks. There's more to this story I just feel the need to separate the Chapters in multiple posts. To be continued...

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